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From Unfaithful by Gary and Mona Shriver: How does one rebuild trust in a marriage after an affair? Very slowly, as the infidel proves himself or herself trustworthy repeatedly over time. We believe trust cannot be reestablished by only one person�it requires hard work by both husband and wife. That means the infidel will have to prove himself or herself over and over again. That means the spouse will have to be open to rebuilding the trust. However, trust does not require blinders. We don�t trust because we know what will or will not happen. We trust someone because we know choose to believe he or she will make the right choice.
What worked well for us was Gary�s willingness to be accountable for all things. Mona didn�t have to check on him; he initiated the contact and checked in. He avoided all situations that could have even a hint of deception, and thus Mona didn�t feel a need to monitor everything he did. The onus really seems to fall on the infidel here. This person sets the stage and the atmosphere. If he or she is willing to be open about activities, phone calls, travel plans, and to go out of the way to include a spouse in decisions, the spouse is able to relax. When the infidel is willing to be transparent, then both husband and wife can move through the slow yet rewarding process of rebuilding trust. And: You will read over and over again that healing [after your spouse has committed adultery] took �time.� We all want to know just how long that time is. We have sat across from couples weary from the effort and battle, tears streaming down their faces, saying, �It�s been (insert specific time here). Isn�t that long enough?� The answer is �apparently not.� The length of your recovery and your spouse�s recovery cannot be predetermined�and most likely you will be on different time schedules. The realization that we were �fully healed� came as a surprise�a surprise that it had happened some time before.
We encourage you to give up any timetable you may have in your brain; it will only frustrate you and be detrimental to your healing. This is a marathon, not a sprint, a journey with many stops. Enjoy each small victory. Take a short holiday when you must and when you can. As long as either of you has a need to continue working, it�s not over. We can only encourage you with the fact that it is worth the journey. From the book, Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won�t stray again is for him(her) to feel fully the pain that he(she) has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to �behave� won�t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work. The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he(she) has caused his(her) spouse. If he(she) truly loves his(her) mate (and he(she) usually does down deep; that�s why they got married and why he(she) came back), that will hurt him so much that he won�t want to inflict more on his(her) loved one.
But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won�t happen immediately�it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him(her) to feel her(his) pain. And: As you and your mate restructure the intimacy in your marriage, realize that it�s going to be a two-steps-forward, one-step-backward process. Much turmoil will remain to be dealt with. Difficult days still lie ahead. But keep this thought firmly in mind: you are in the process of recovery. It won�t happen overnight; in an ultimate sense you�ll never be completely over the affair. Trauma always changes people, and it should. From Michele Weiner Davis: Experts say that the healing process after a spouse has had an affair usually takes 3-5 years.
The road to recovery is a zigzag, not a straight line. At first, the bad days will definitely outnumber the good ones. In fact, there may not be any good days to speak of. But slowly, as you begin to talk and make sense of what happened, you will have your positive moments. Moments will turn into days. Then, you will actually have a stretch of a few good days at a time. Just when you start to get optimistic something will happen that will remind the spouse about the affair and bring back those unpleasant feelings. This rockiness and instability will occur for a very long time. You need to expect that. It doesn�t mean that this problem is insurmountable, it just means that this problem is on its way to being resolved. It happens slowly. Blessings and Prayers for you both, Mark
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From the book, Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won�t stray again is for him(her) to feel fully the pain that he(she) has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to �behave� won�t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work. The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he(she) has caused his(her) spouse. If he(she) truly loves his(her) mate (and he(she) usually does down deep; that�s why they got married and why he(she) came back), that will hurt him so much that he won�t want to inflict more on his(her) loved one.
But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won�t happen immediately�it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him(her) to feel her(his) pain. Thank you for this reference, Mark. Although after this recent post, I have a suspicion: all of your technical work analogies you reference in your sig links are really just a cover for ... ![[Linked Image from 1.bp.blogspot.com]](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_PddQ8xLinAc/RzLzw8wxZVI/AAAAAAAAB6Q/EjXlsBLprzo/s400/ConanTheLibrarian.jpg)
Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
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Thanks for your help...
We spoke w/ S.Harley today, but it feels like we both wasted so much energy being angry at each other during the last weeks, that right now we can find the energy to start the recovery all over again. I lost the faith that this will end happily. He is increasingly getting angrier and angrier and more aggressive, even at work w/ clients. He almost hit a guy, and have not been to work for the last 2 weeks.
Today is his Bday, but even though I tried to cheer him up, it didn't work at all, so we didn't do anything. He decided to go to sleep early because he said that he was bored...
Anyway, I'm not to cheerful right now, either. I'm trying to kick start our recovery, although I'm not too crazy about it. We'll see...
FWW (Me)- 39 Rizos
FBH (ELCamino)- 39
DD 8, DD 6
D-Day 8Jul2009
Working on trying to get a second chance. Plan A!
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Oops! I meant: we can't find the energy to start the recovery all over again. Mark, Thanks for your help. I know I have to give 100% of myself to make my marriage works. I've got so much going on in my head right now!!! I mean, leaving P.R., family and friends behind to look for a better future w/ my husband, when I'm not even sure that at the end the marriage will work it's hard. I'm not even talking about the affair, I'm talking about the problems that we had before the affair. Although most of them should get fix by following MB rules, still I married a guy who doesn't like my family. In P.R. being close to family, and visiting them frequently is part of the culture, and I was very close to my family members. Maybe I married a great man, but the wrong one for me! That one thought just kills me.
FWW (Me)- 39 Rizos
FBH (ELCamino)- 39
DD 8, DD 6
D-Day 8Jul2009
Working on trying to get a second chance. Plan A!
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Update:
We spoke with S.Harley, an so far even though we are both taking it very slowly, the future is looking less dark than the last 2 weeks.
I'm dropping my IB, and letting BH to know in advance what I'm doing during the day. We started to discuss fathers day (which is a big deal!- family gatherings), and we are discussing what to do during that day.
I read the IB chapter on LB's book, and also, how to resolve conflicts related to family and friends, and it was really good. It clearly showed me that I was wrong, even before the affair started, in relation to family. Anyway, we are working on that...
Got to go!
FWW (Me)- 39 Rizos
FBH (ELCamino)- 39
DD 8, DD 6
D-Day 8Jul2009
Working on trying to get a second chance. Plan A!
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Wonderful, Rizos! I'm glad you are still in this, and glad to hear you are seeing some hope.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes, Markos, the future is definitely looking brighter. BH seems to be happy. I'm happier now, but still struggling with the family issue(not able to be in contact with my youngest sis). I have been avoiding ID, and so far I'm doing great. I told ElC that 2 of my sis called me to go to a water park with our kids. When I asked him how would he feel about it, he said that he wouldn't be comfortable with the idea. We started to brainstorm, and he said that he would prefer to send our DD's with my sisters, but I couldn't go. I couldn't believe it, and I had to dropped the conversation because I was getting visibly very upset. I mean, I can understand if I ask him how he would feel if I want to go out partying with my youngest sis, and he said that he wouldn't feel comfortable. I got that, but a family trip! with cousins! I just don't get it. Sometimes I can't help but think that he does it on purpose. She had nothing to do with my decision to have an affair!!! None at all, so I think that it is a lame excuse to try to keep me away from her. Every time that I remember his attitude towards her, I can't help but feel very upset with him.  Darn, the Lakers are winning.  Anyhow, other than that issue, we've been able to handle the others. For example, on fathers day, we are going to visit my parents early, and then we are going to the beach. We both enthusiastically agreed to that. I love ElC, and I love my sisters very much, I wish we could all be in harmony and happy!!! I guess that's imposible...
FWW (Me)- 39 Rizos
FBH (ELCamino)- 39
DD 8, DD 6
D-Day 8Jul2009
Working on trying to get a second chance. Plan A!
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.I told ElC that 2 of my sis called me to go to a water park with our kids. When I asked him how would he feel about it, he said that he wouldn't be comfortable with the idea Why did you ask him if you didn't want to know???  That is crazy Irish POJA!! that means you ask your spouse how he feels about something - only to give him the opportunity to bless your plan - and then act like he is being MEAN when he won't bless your plan! That is manipulation!! Then he gets to be the BAD GUY when you can't force your plans down his throat. Crazy Irish POJA!! The real POJA means that you really mean it when you ask your spouse how he feels about plans and treat him with respect when he doesn't like them. The purpose of POJA is to consider your spouses feelings in everything, not to cram your plans down his throat.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MelodyLane,
I had to asked him to avoid IB!
FWW (Me)- 39 Rizos
FBH (ELCamino)- 39
DD 8, DD 6
D-Day 8Jul2009
Working on trying to get a second chance. Plan A!
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MelodyLane,
I had to asked him to avoid IB! But you got mad at him when he answered you honestly. So you didn't really want to consider his feelings at all. You were demanding his blessing and then punished him when he didnt give it. That is not POJA.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So you didn't really want to consider his feelings at all. You were demanding his blessing and then punished him when he didnt give it. That is not POJA. Hi! ML, Yes, I've realized I was doing crazy POJA! I'm not doing crazy POJA anymore, or at least trying hard.  Thanks for your help.
FWW (Me)- 39 Rizos
FBH (ELCamino)- 39
DD 8, DD 6
D-Day 8Jul2009
Working on trying to get a second chance. Plan A!
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So you didn't really want to consider his feelings at all. You were demanding his blessing and then punished him when he didnt give it. That is not POJA. Hi! ML, Yes, I've realized I was doing crazy POJA! I'm not doing crazy POJA anymore, or at least trying hard. Thanks for your help. Good job!!  I so used to love crazy POJA, but it really made me miserable when my husband exploded. Life is so much easier now.  Keep up the good work, Rizos!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just a question...
How do I tell BH that he's not depositing any love units into my account? I've been working hard trying to deposit units into his bank account, and until tonight I've been doing great, but I'm so tired already!!! Tonight, instead of being super affectionate with him, I just sat back, and waited for a reaction. Well, he chose to go to sleep, and instead of giving me a kiss, he just said good night, and went back to sleep. Do I have to do all the job? He should be learning how to meet my needs too. Do I sound foggy?
I've been working around the house (painting, cleaning, etc) and he's been seating pretty. I have to asked for help, for him to do anything (I know, avoid selfish demands, + he needs to create a new habit). But if he knows that he can win love units by offering help, why does he has to wait for me to ask for help, or could he be so naive!
I've already told him that I'm not feeling any connection, but maybe I have to be more clear and let him know that my love bank is running really low, and that he has to be affectionate, etc. I'm getting very bored.
I don't know, I just don't feel any connection, and that feeling pisses me off. I know, bla, bla, bla...
FWW (Me)- 39 Rizos
FBH (ELCamino)- 39
DD 8, DD 6
D-Day 8Jul2009
Working on trying to get a second chance. Plan A!
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Does he still read here?
I think you just did.
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Does he still read here?
I think you just did. Mark1952, I'm not sure I understand what you are trying to say. Anyway, I've decided to stop complaining! ElC is going through a bad time right now. Friends of his were fired from work, people that he had offered a job. So he's feeling really bad. He needs and deserves my complete support right now. See ya... I've got to take care of ElC. All and all we are doing a lot better than previous months....
FWW (Me)- 39 Rizos
FBH (ELCamino)- 39
DD 8, DD 6
D-Day 8Jul2009
Working on trying to get a second chance. Plan A!
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See ya... I've got to take care of ElC. All and all we are doing a lot better than previous months.... Thats the right approach, Rizos. And instead of sitting back to see if he reciprocates, why not tell him - lovingly - that you it would make you feel so much better if he initiated and reciprocated more. Tell him that you are trying but it would help if he reciprocated more. I imagine he is very distracted about the job situation and just doesn't realize he is making you feel this way. Here is what Dr Harley has said about this: "Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just a question...
I've been working around the house (painting, cleaning, etc) and he's been seating pretty. I have to asked for help, for him to do anything (I know, avoid selfish demands, + he needs to create a new habit). But if he knows that he can win love units by offering help, why does he has to wait for me to ask for help, or could he be so naive! It's not a LB to ask for help around the house if you ask with respectful request. "Why are you sitting watching TV while I paint? Can't you get your butt over here?" is a LB. "What do you think about painting the hall this morning? You could do the cutting in and I could do the rolling. Afterward we could <do something fun>?" is a respectful request.
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And instead of sitting back to see if he reciprocates, why not tell him - lovingly - that you it would make you feel so much better if he initiated and reciprocated more. Tell him that you are trying but it would help if he reciprocated more.
[/b][/i] Thanks,ML I'm working at it.....
FWW (Me)- 39 Rizos
FBH (ELCamino)- 39
DD 8, DD 6
D-Day 8Jul2009
Working on trying to get a second chance. Plan A!
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It's not a LB to ask for help around the house if you ask with respectful request. Thanks, Wannabophim, I'm trying to learn to do this, without love busting. So many years doing everything without asking for help! I have to learn to make it a habit to start asking for help, instead of getting upset. It's not his fault that I do everything, I have to learn to take it easy. I like to solve problems(former Mech.Engineer), and get things done right away. I get very upset when he just take it so easy!!! Right now we have a LOT to do. We rented our house and have to start moving, getting an apartment in Puerto Rico (for a month), and in the US. Find a new school for our DD's in US, etc. And if you let me, I would have already done all. I'm trying hard to be more patience, and let him help me. I asked him to buy the airline tickets, and he did (I had to ask a few times, until finally we sat together and did it). So, definitely I'm a work in progress, but I think we are going in the right direction...
FWW (Me)- 39 Rizos
FBH (ELCamino)- 39
DD 8, DD 6
D-Day 8Jul2009
Working on trying to get a second chance. Plan A!
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It's 5am in Puerto Rico right now. Usually I'm sleeping, but I woke up, and my mind started running wild, getting flooded with negative thoughts about ElCamino. Sometimes I resent the fact that he doesn't want me to see my younger sis. It also feels like I have to ask for permission to visit my family, or his family. I'll probably feel better in awhile. I guess the fact that we are getting closer to moving to the US, and me not been able to visit them more frequently is really hurting me.
I'll try to stay strong, and see how I can POJA to talk, and visit my sis without love busting. It really is a very emotional issue for me...
FWW (Me)- 39 Rizos
FBH (ELCamino)- 39
DD 8, DD 6
D-Day 8Jul2009
Working on trying to get a second chance. Plan A!
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