From another thread:


This jumped out at me. My son is 22 now, but XWH used to mock him to me about how "mommy takes care of everything for him." And it used to be that nobody was closer to his son than XWH was.

I can't imagine it's because he wanted DS22 to live with him. XWH moved out and filed two years ago and I heard nothing about taking DS with him, even though you would think he'd want the boy to be away from his "crazy, unstable, unsafe" mother.

Nope. Single guys don't like the kids hanging around. Not even the older ones.

Just thought I'd mention that mocking the kids for remaining close to the betrayed parent may be something out of the Wayward Handbook. It's probably part of the Wayward Fantasy that they are making things soooo much better for everyone in the family by cheating and walking out. It may deserve its own thread.

Every time a wayward walks out the door to cheat on their spouses, they are mocking - nay spitting on - their children. When someone betrays the father or mother of their children, they are behaving as an unfit parent.

I remember early in Plan B, my WH could not believe I had the gall not to communicate with him.....He sent me a text saying I was acting childish and should for once think about what is best for DS instead of thinking only of my own feelings.


Yeah, really he said that.

I kind of misnamed this thread. All WS ignore their kids to be with OP; I was thinking more of them belittling and mocking the kids, especially if the kids (a) remain close to the BS or (b) for some reason don't seem thrilled about the destruction of the family even though it means the WS's subsequent happiness or (c) all of the above.

This happened with XWH and DS22, even though they had been very, very close before XWH walked out and I really thought this would continue. Wrong again

As I said before, maybe kids - more than anyone - have the power to bust the affair fantasy right down to the ground. I think the WS honestly expects the kids to be happy for the WS's happiness, even if that happiness means the family gets nuked, and will punish the kids by mocking them or ignoring them if they're not happy, too.

If that's not insanity, I don't know what is.

this kind of happened with my boys, 22 and 20......Somehow my WH thought they would just accept that he was no longer "in love with their mother" and that he had to have an affair to be happy.......
Guess what they barely had communication with him for 6 months, it's getting better now.....but they ignored him and remained in contact with me and supported me.....
It is strained now especially when he tries to guide them with some advice, they aren't listening in fact they seem to be very stubborn to listen to his advice at all...
I guess they don't think that someone that can't walk the walk is equipped to give good solid advice on life's problems.....
Not sure if my hubby really understands what he has done to their relationships....I know it hurt him that they didn't respond to his emails, texts for the first 6 months.....
Hubby is making an effort now to spend time with and talk to them more.....
But I think once the respect thing is broken like this, it's hard for that not to be in the back of their minds......
I'm hoping things will get better but I'm letting the 3 of them work things out.....

In my situation, I find my WW is pulling back from any siutation where all three of our kids are together, and instead spending time with the kids individually. For her, it seems the guilt only comes from a recognition of the family. She continues to invent reasons to send one child or the other off to other activities to avoid any togetherness.

As far the the Mama's boy comment, I may have a little different take. Sometimes fathers will say something like this in a misguided attempt to steer their sons developement. As a father, it is important to teach your son what it means to be a man. This is not a view of male superiority, but instead, masculine differences. In a split home, a father's fear could be that his son will model his mother, because the father no longer has unlimited access to his son. This is worse in a situation where a WH is involved because the WH has caused the split and the son is likely pulling away from the WH and to the BW. This distancing by the son, causes anxiety for a father. The comment is likey a manifestation of that fear. As a BH i have very similar concers.

I'm sorry you feel this way. Though, remember, it may not be as bad as you think. Remember, you told us that you didn't want us mentioning his name, ever? We know that even saying his name really upsets so DS22 jsut stopped mentioning him. DS22 is rarely home, you know?

I'm not excusing any behavior or the situation. But remember that he may be following strict orders to not mention his name and wants to protect you.

Sot,

I understand your take on the "mama's boy" comment. Since this is my son, i want to share some more about this. My oldest son has always been more sensitive and follows sister around. We use to be concerned about femininity or showing that. My husband would tell him sometimes that he was acting like a girl, etc. I don't believe this, but I'm sure WS is looking at his devotion to me as more of this behavior.

DS is very resentful and hates to see me upset...so this is coming out in his visits with father. I hate it, but not sure how to change it.

Hope- My DD is 12 and my DS is 13 so I understand the age. As fathers around this point in our kids developement we start to expect to see more pronounced differences in behavior between our sons and daughters. The problme is that every kid develops at their own pace. I'm sure your WH is bothered by your son's resentment. However, It is not your place to try to change anything about the relationship between your son and his father. Your WH caused the rift and its up to him to fix it. This may be something that clears a little fog. In the wayward fantasyland these things aren't supposed to happen. Everything with thier children will be fine after a D. Afterall, Johnny down the street has split parents and he seems just fine. You can bet your WH is blaming you for the damage that has been done to his relationship with DS.

I wonder of the whole kids pulling away from WS and closer to BS only happens with a WH and BW. I ask this because when a H and W split the kids usually end up with the W, no matter whether she was wayward or not.

So it may follow that even if it's the W who's wayward, the kids may still feel compelled to support Mom, even if they don't like what she's doing, and especially if they end up living with her and not with Dad.

Nope. I'm going on twenty years no contact with my wayward mother and hope I never see her again in my life. Would've died without my dad's support in those days; he and I became very close.

I know this isn't exactly on topic, and I apologize if it is out of place, Mulan. But if a father is worried about his son being a man, he needs to spend time with him. Words like "sissy" and "mama's boy" have no place in a father's vocabulary. I watched this happen to my brother. I remember my dad screaming that Jon held his hamburger like a girl and Jon crying.

Bump... for the kids.