NRTQ, would you be willing to stay here if you are paid enough allimony to support you? I realize you cannot work here, so this seemed like a case where allimony is truly warranted.

I cannot stay here because of visa issues not money. As a Canadian citizen you can only stay in the US up to 6 months. What am I going to do even if he pays me a lot? I have no family and basically no friends here(CT). Besides I will also need medical insurance too and that is not cheap in this country.

The problem is when I go back to Canada I cannot do the work I did when I left 3 years ago which is real estate. Because I was just starting in that business and it does not bring paycheck every two weeks. If I go to my previous profession(travel agent) I now have to pass an exam because it is licensed profession. But being out of that industry for about 4-5 years I wonder who may hire me and pay me decent money even though I have experience. The profession is so automated now that anyone can hire a newbie for half the money they would have to pay me.

Any other thoughts on my original post?

I have read both plan A and B. However when the spouse is not even willing to admit the affair let alone tell me what was the real thing missing from our marriage, how am I supposed to fight for this marriage?

Once I am gone from here he will be free to be with her and there won't be any family or friends he would have to hide from.

Everybody just tells me to move on and just start living my own life. How could I have been so stupid to love someone so much?

Plan A is not an option while he is denying. You are right. But I think you can implement more of a Plan B than you have. The way I understand plan B is that it accomplishes two things: Forces the WH to live in a true separation, realizing the bed he's made and the future circumstances to come. It can give him a chance to miss you if it is meant to be. And yes, full freedom to pursue his adulterous affair. That can be both good and bad. I personally allowed my husband to cake walk with devastating results. He continued to see OW while seeing me. Coming and going as he pleased. He had the best of all worlds and total control over the situation. He had no idea what he was in for or doing, which could have changed everything. I also honored his wish to not contact his in-laws, who never knew of the affair while he was pursuing it. Another very bad mistake. In the meantime, I failed to to what the second accomplishment of a Plan B offers: taking control of my life. He controlled all. He never experienced what losing control of me, the the financial decisions, and access to his kids whenever and where ever he wanted to, meant. When we finally got to the point where I was taking back control for me and my kids, it was already too late to foster a reconciliation. But believe me, he hated that and still fights it. It might have been helpful for him to see that new reality earlier on. On my side, I never got to take control and end the abuse and neglect on my terms. I looked and acted pathetic. Those images of myself won't fade quickly for either of us. I am stronger now, and setting terms I am more comfortable with, and he is not. It's better, but it should have happened much sooner for a whole lot of reasons.

So, if you haven't asked him to move out yet you should consider doing so. If he refuses talk to your lawyer and let him know there needs to be a more formal separation and ask him what you should do. Be primary custodian of the child with SCHEDULED visits with your husband. (And insist he stick to them. He needs to bond with the child he is letting go so freely.) Decide on an allowance now for temporary support. These things factor out the negotiating and allow a more healthy separation. Then stay away. Work out, make friends. Develop a social life. And start to dialog a timeline for when you go back to Canada so it becomes more real, even if that deadline is down the road a bit. (But express interest in making it as soon as possible. Let him see you are moving on with or without him.)

You aren't stupid for loving him. It won't go away overnight. It's like an amputation that you need to get used to. You are in a very vulnerable position with your location, young child, and marital position, so be kind to yourself.

Oh, and speak about the affair as if it was known fact by all. Don't even talk about the "if" of it or engage in those conversations. Let him know you aren't ambiguous about the fact he is a cheater. And do make sure those who are important to him also know about the affair. He is trying to avoid accountability. He made his bed, and needs to lie in it.

Do you think I can ask him/or through the lawyer to move out and still pay ALL our expenses? I cannot work in the US and I don't really have friends here. My family comes occasionally to help but they cannot be here all the time.

Can he be forced to pay these expenses if he moves out?

That's a question for your lawyer. But whether or not he can be asked to leave, you need to work around your circumstances somehow for a more thorough separation. You need to at least ASK, so he knows you want distance. Find a girlfriend you can stay with sometimes and leave him with the baby while you are elsewhere. Agree to separate living areas, scheduled in and out of the house time for both of you. Whatever it takes to remove your accessibility to him and him to you. He needs to feel your absence and live with the reality of single living and at least sometimes, single parenting. He might also need to feel your willingness to leave if he hasn't already.

Ok I went to the lawyer today. He does not think it is viewed positively by the courts when one spouse is asked to leave the house and continue to pay for the expenses unless we are talking here about some sort of physical abuse.

And everything else I mentioned? Are you going to continue to come back and respond with all reasons why there is nothing you can do, or are you going to take some control?

Yes I am taking control. I was already in Canada looking at apartments, trying to do some admin stuff for the kid, looking and making contacts for work, trying to reconnect with friends who are great support now.

Here in the US, I try to enjoy the time with my baby, I go to work out more try to make new friends through the baby and activities where I take him, even though it is so hard to do that when you have some serious marriage problems on your mind.

My initial idea was to actually do a separation in Canada which would have given both of us time(about another 6-7 months) to sort out the feelings and hopefully for the affair to die own its own. But he is firmly pushing for divorce or nothing else.

Excellent! It sounds like you have a very logical and healthy plan. Yes it's hard to make these changes with all you are going through, but you'll feel much better about yourself for getting back behind the steering wheel.

As for what he is pushing, remember there are two of you. I wouldn't replace anyone else's judgement for your lawyers (assuming your lawyer is very good), but I see nothing wrong with a waiting period. And in most cases a waiting period is mandatory anyway. Do what you feel is best, to hell with his "divorce or nothing" attitude. He's not the only person involved, and his decision making hasn't exactly been great so far.

If you can only stay in the US six months, then you'll have to reestablish yourself in Canada. If that is the case then, it makes sense to go for full custody with visitation for the father. If he decides as a later point to move back to Canada to be nearer his son, then the two of you can revisit joint custody...if I were him, I would put my son's well-being over financial matters.
You should bring up to your attorney that you need spousal support since you gave up a well paying job to be a full time mom and having been removed from the work force, it will take some time before you can regain your former work status and recover financially...if ever. Provide any documentation that you can to back this up.
Divorces are handled differently from state to state. Here in Oregon they don't consider whether a spouse has cheated or not, everything is what they call "no fault divorce". The court does not look at who did what, etc. It is run more by numbers, they put in the duration of marriage in years, who made how much money, etc. and their computer program determines support. I don't see what state you're in but the laws may be very different there.

But my H right now does not want to agree to let me take our son to canada and wait out separation time. He wants this quickie divorce over and done with(I think the OW is pushing him on this one because her D will be final in few weeks) and once we agree on the parenting plan and the finances then we just have to wait for the case management date to come(Oct 15 in our case) when the divorce would be final. However he has agreed that son and I move to Canada as soon as parenting/finances are settled. Remember this is a guy who already contacted a lawyer in Feb when I did not even know of the affair and we were trying to go through counselling(at my request) and H was trying to give me the bulls*** story of how he was not happy for the past 3 years but thought by having a child things would change(not very mature thinking)

I am in CT and here you need basically 90 days to get a divorce, you don't even need the other spouse to sign the paper to get a divorce and it is a no fault state to a point. Pursuing adultery case is VERY expensive and not worthed the emotional trauma that I and child have to go through.

Why would he be ok with you moving to Canada after the arrangements are made, but not now? Using it to get your OK on quickie divorce?

I have heard that the quicker the divorce, the better the deal is for the WH. Be careful.

He must be in a rush to be with his mistress probably. There are also visa related issues here too. Our current visa is about to expire and he does not want me as dependent on his new visa too.

Then it seems you have some bargaining power.

I suggested to him that regardless of the fact that we are not doing collaborative divorce we can still sit down and work out some point in the parenting plan because to me the child is first everything else is second. I told him we can agree on what we agree and if we don't agree on somethings then we can involve the lawyers. I told him I would not discuss any money(child support/alimony with him).

So I tell him: Let's sit down tonight after child goes to sleep and talk about this. He say: Oh I have to go to the gym. I said: So the gym is more important than your childs future. You can always skip the gym one evening. And then he goes to me: well alimony and child support are no rocket science, there is a formula that the courts use out there. That's how his lawyer explained that to him. My response to him was: Sure there are formulas but not everybody's situation is the same and then I repeated that all discussion about money will go through the lawyer.

So then he calls me back and asks me if I want to talk about it during our son's nap. I told him I have few things to do myself so then he says ok we'll talk tonight.

What I don't understand is that the few times we communicate first he would explode in his own way but then he would back down sort of. And this has happened few times now. It's almost like a switch goes off in his head occasionally.

In the meantime, I am all calm about everything even though I want to explode myself inside.

Is this also normal behaviour?

Wanting to explode is normal. It's all awful but you need to remind yourself that people DO live through divorce.

He is between a rock and a hard place, darting back and forth between selfish wants, the limitations of his requests, and guilt. Expect any and all behavior for a while.

Keeping calm yourself is always good. Vent here, as I do when I'm ready to cry.

There are formulas for figuring out alimony and child support, true, but lots of factors are figured in when they order alimony. "Unequal division of assets" may become a phrase that haunts him in his sleep. When one spouse makes a lot more than the other, or has greater access to work (you can't get a job here, remember), then the less financially blessed spouse gets more than half of the pie.

For the next several years, at least, I am betting he will have to provide for you. This would be rehabilitative alimony, allowing you time to get settled into your new home, and get training that would help you become employed. You are right to not talk finances with him. Nothing is more certain to cause an explosion than a wayward spouse getting a stab in his wallet. Good luck!

That's what I thought that the formulas are there only as a guideline, everyone situation is different in divorce. In fact when we sit down tonight I won't even mention child support or alimony. All I want to know is how many times a month he plans to come and visit his son, what holidays/dates are important to him and to figure out couple of nights a week when he talks to his son on Skype.

He is also hoping that I would drive the child to see and spend time with his mother who lives about 60 miles away from where I will live. She is the only close other family to my son. But the lawyer said it is not my responsibility to take the child to her even though she is almost 70 years old and still drives. She also lives accross the street from a communter train that comes directly to my town. I have no problem if she wants to come and spend 4-5 days a month with us. And when he comes he can also take the child to her too.

I am also going to insist that our 18 mts old is not subject to long car rides/plane rides at this age and if he wants to take the child in the US he would have to come and pick him up and bring him back