I am extremely hurt and confused...I don't know what to do! Earlier today, I saw my husband and my sister kissing. They were extremely drunk, but this does not justify it AT ALL in my book. Where was I during all this? Upstairs, putting baby to sleep.

I do not know where to start...our marriage was going through a rough patch to begin with, and now this? A part of me wants to forget it ever happened, and moved on. However, I am aware that our lives have been completely changed.

I am upset at my sister; how could she do this to me? I TRUSTED her. And him? In my own house? Taking advantage of the fact that I am putting our baby to sleep!

Nothing will ever be the same. I hate that they did this to me and to themselves. I know that I will forgive my husband...I am willing to work this out. But how do I approach her? After I pushed her and kicked her out, I called her and she tried to deny it and make up an excuse when I SAW THEM! That just made me even angrier...whatever happened to an honest I'M SORRY?

I am in disbelief...I had a gut feeling and that is why I went downstairs quietly. Can you believe I felt GUILTY about that gut feeling? For a second, I second guessed myself...and reminded me that this is my SISTER and HUSBAND. But then I thought, this isn't right...my husband and my sister are downstairs getting drunk and listening to music? This isn't right. My instinct was right on point. I still cannot believe it.

I guess he was expecting me to hit him or kick him out, but I didn't For one, I cannot afford to generate negative energy when I have a one year old to take care of. And two, I am so hurt that I feel that nothing could have helped me release my feeling of betrayal and anguish.
Somebody just say something please..I don't knwo what to do.

I'll post first because I'm awake. I know you'll get lots of responses shortly, but let me say I'm sorry you're here. No, you should not just forgive and forget. Have you read up yet on exposing the affair, no contact, plan A, etc. yet?

B/C

I am so sorry you are here and are going through this.

If I were in your shoes, I would assume that this wasnt "just" a kiss. I would assume that your H and your S are involved in an active affair. Do NOT believe anything either of them say. Waywards lie.

You havent said much about what your H said or how he reacted to this discovery, but I owuld start snooping. My guess is, it isnt the first time and unless you do a shock and awe type of exposure on this affair, it will NOT be the last.

Hang in there, folks will start posting to you soon.

Listen to them - we've all been through this and the advise may sound cuonterintuitive at first but will work

BC, welcome to MB. I am sorry that you are here. Having said that, this is the BEST place to find yourself in your sitch.

Here is a thread that you should read from beginning to end and click on ALL of the links throughout it.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

If you have any questions on anything you read, please feel free to ask.

Also, do as JK suggested, you need to snoop. Check phone records, emails, FB, anything. There will be something. It worries me that your sister denied it, even though you witnessed it. There may be MORE.

Trust your gut. Its usually right on this stuff. Most people can tell the changes in the Spouse. We just justify them to ourselves (just needs a friend to talk to, she said its nothing). Does she make excuses to come over to your house?

Defiantly need to snoop some. Check the phone records. The WS rarelly thinks they will get found out. So they will get very careless.

Whatever you do DO NOT IGNORE IT. If you dont take action you WILL be back here. They will say ANYTHING to keep the veil of secrecy. If you blow up that veil you can get your husband back.

Im not a "pro" but id do snooping first. If you expose then snoop it will be much less effective since they will have gone deep underground. Look into the spying threads. Get the cell phone records. Id also seriously consider that you install a keylogger on your computer.

You need to do these things for your peace of mind. You need to know if there is an A going on. That will tell you that.

After you do your snooping you will need to expose your sister to your family as well. Get her away from your WH. She may be your sister but she is also the OW. Protect your family.

Sorry your here but we will do our best to support you.

Hmmm. This is not good, BC. There is a good chance that there is an A going on. I think it's unlikely that this was just a random, one-time thing.

I agree with everyone else - you need to start doing some industrial snooping. Cell phone records are a good place to start. Work on building a mental timeline. Can you remember other times when it was unusual for them to be together, yet they were? Times when you walked in on them and they seemed uneasy? Events when they were together and you weren't there?

The first thing you can do is to pledge to never allow your sister in your home and never to be around her again. Tell your family why she is not allowed and ask them to ensure she is not invited to any family events where you are present.

This serves several purposes, it wakes up the affairees, precludes you from having to give false explanations to whitewash their scummy behavior, and serves as a warning to other members of your family to watch their spouses around your H and your sister. They are not safe people and others need to know.

If your children are over age 4, I would tell them too, so they understand why they can't be around their scummy aunt.

If you think this is a drastic step, just go read DeltaDeceit or Jeanshaw's threads about their sisters who SLEPT with their husbands. That may have already happened in your case, but regardless, you need to nip this in the bud now and separate them for life.

If your husband is this destructive while drinking, then he likely has a serious drinking problem. That has to be addressed before you can even begin to recover your marriage. I would make it a condition that he quit drinking FOR LIFE and go to AA.

p.s. don't give into the temptation to whitewash this event and keep it secret for the affairees. Affairs thrive on secrecy, doing so only makes it more likely this affair will resume. That will hurt everyone. It will hurt your husband, your sister, your family and you. It is in the best interest of everyone to know what happened.

The more people that know, the more people to hold them accountable.

Steps

1. SNOOP like crazy! Cell phone bills, emails, text messages, FB, etc!

2. NO CONTACT with your sis that includes your husband with No contact with her as well.

3. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE!! You need to let EVERYONE know what has been going on, I believe the others, I dont think because they were so called "drinking" that they kissed, it looks like a BIG OL Physical AFFAIR!

4. Let your husband know about the steps of recovery, READ READ READ everything on this site!! Buy this book "his needs her needs" read it TOGETHER! Do the questionnaire at the end.

If you husband wont cooperate then you need to be in plan A immediately! Usually people are in plan A for about 3 week to 6 weeks, it all determines how long they can emotionally be in this Plan, if he still wont cooperate then your next plan would be Plan B.

But take these steps one at a time!

Sorry you are here, but these people will help! They helped with my husband when I had 2 EA (emotional Affairs)

Oh dear...I know the pain you are going through. We all do here.
You really need to trust your gut. Snoop, snoop and then after that snoop some more. Please though, do not let your wh know about all the snooping.

There was a long time that my gut told me things weren't right and I didn't always listen to it. I think if you sit down and really think about things you'll see that this probably wasn't a one time thing. Ask yourself: Why did want to go downstairs so quietly? Why were you suspicious? I'm sure you know why.
I want to be wrong. I hope I am.

Stay strong.

Hi my previous name is jeanshaw. Im sorry ur in this boat but all these responses are correct the whole time my husband was having sex with my sister I was at work and I did have this gut feeling and feelings of jealousy and I ignored it sometimes it would be so bad I even asked him if something was goin on with them and he would say do u think she would do that and so on....But guess what they was having an affair that brought me to my knees It lasted about a month but I don't know that for sure she lived with me for almost a year befor I found out so whose to say it wasnt going on the whole time..

But we are working on it. I believe he is very remorseful and tryng very hard....

Snoop Snoop or heck just play one of them and say u know something AND U REALLY DONT FAKE IT THATS HOW i FOUND OUT IT WAS MORE THAN ONCE...

U DO WHAT U GOTTA DO...

betrayedconfused are you still here?

I had a similar situation with my wife and a former best friend.