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Joined: Mar 2010
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My H is having an affair that I discovered in Mar 2010 using a keylogger and some snooping around. He completely denies the whole thing even though there are explicit emails/phone records with gazillion phone calls/text messages that only a blind person cannot see what is going on. Not only does he deny but he also filed for divorce. In the meantime I exposed the affair to family and friends in the hopes that he would wake up(he did not) and start working on our marriage.
I think now he is starting to spread rumors to people how I made up those emails and trying to portray me like I am the crazy one. To the people I exposed the affair I also sent a copy of those emails because it was very hard for all of them to think my husband was going to do something like this. MY H official story is that he has been unhappy for 3 years even though he had never said or acted in a way to show that. In the last 3 years we have made plans about different things in the future and if someone was so unhappy he would not be making those type of plans(to buy a house, take specific trips, have another child).
The reason why I am suspecting all this is that I have noticed that some of the people I exposed the affair have stopped communicating with me. I don't know if they just want to stay out of all this or they just started believing my husband's stories.
What do you guys think?
Btw, I know all about Plan A and B. H is absolutely determined to get divorce. On another forum(Divorce topic here) I explained why Plan A and B are not so easy for me to execute.
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Joined: Feb 2007
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Not Ready
Who is the OW? It sounds like your exposure was not effective because it was so limited in scope. Is the OW married? Surely SHE has a family and co workers that you can expose to. Is it a workplace A? How long has it been going on.
Dr H has a clear plan on how to end A's. If you follow it, your chances of success will be much greater that if you 1/2 follow it.
WHY is Plan A/B not an option for you?
BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06
Recovering
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 42
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The OW and My H worked together. My H was her boss. They both got laid off in Jan 2010 but not because of the affair. When I discovered the A in March 2010 I found out from the OW's husband that they were already in a process of divorce and no chance of that marriage being reconcilled. The proof that I have show emails as far as back as Nov 09 of the affair. It could have started little bit earlier but my H behaviour really changed about that time too. This woman did not start working at the company unitl Feb 09 so I don't thing anything happened right then.
My husband is denying EVERYTHING does not even want to discuss anything on this topic nor trying to work on our marriage. In fact in Feb when I suggested marriage councelling(which we did 6 individual sessions) he had already seen a divorce lawyer. I did not find this out until end of Apr 2010 when he officially asked for the divorce.
My H is on a work visa in the US and I am dependant on his visa. I cannot get my own visa so my time to stay in the US is limited. I have been financially dependable on him for the last 3 years so living separately would be impossible now.
My husband has been able to stay in the US after he lost his job because he is still receiving severance from the company he worked for. I have not exposed the affair there at the advice of my lawyer because I am also trying to secure some finances for myself and son so when we go back to Canada we can start with something.
I just want to know if this badmouthing on his behalf and trying to make the loyal spouse crazy is normal in affairs.
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Joined: Oct 2009
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I just want to know if this badmouthing on his behalf and trying to make the loyal spouse crazy is normal in affairs. Extremely normal. There's little you can do to control what comes out of his mouth. Just maintain your position without drama. People aren't stupid. His gas-lighting is obvious. You're probably not getting a lot of comments because people don't know what to do or say. So many people look at affairs as business between a husband and wife, and don't want to get involved. Sadly.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Oct 2009
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I have not exposed the affair there at the advice of my lawyer because I am also trying to secure some finances for myself and son so when we go back to Canada we can start with something. It would be pointless to expose the A at the company if they no longer work there.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 42
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I have not exposed the affair there at the advice of my lawyer because I am also trying to secure some finances for myself and son so when we go back to Canada we can start with something. It would be pointless to expose the A at the company if they no longer work there. However he started that affair when both were still working there. He was the CEO of the company which is also grounds for misconduct. And he is still receiving severance from the company(basically full pay), using company car and company computer(where I used the keylogger to get proof of the affair)
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Joined: Oct 2009
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However he started that affair when both were still working there. He was the CEO of the company which is also grounds for misconduct. And he is still receiving severance from the company(basically full pay), using company car and company computer(where I used the keylogger to get proof of the affair) I don't know if it's a good idea to tip your hand about the keylogger on a company computer. Exposure is meant to put pressure on the affairees to end the A. I'm not sure how this exposure would accomplish that.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Mar 2010
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The lawyer said that me using the keylogger on a company computer would not have consequences for me since technically he was not employed when I did that, plus when they find out what he has been doing on a company dime I think they would be more interested in chasing after him than me.
Since neither one of them works there anymore that's why I did not do anything as far as exposing it in the company. But I have exposed it to few of their former colleagues and my H can now worry what that does to his reputation. My only goal for exposing is for him to wake up not revenge. Revenge would come on it own sooner or later even without me because I strongly believe what goes around comes around.
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Joined: May 2010
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hi sorry you are here steps to do NOW!
1. Print out ALL the evidence you have from your husband, put it in a file and KEEP SNOOPING!! (hide the file at someone elses house someone you trust!)
2. Find a lawyer for yourself! Start protecting your self now! If you think he will leave, make sure when he does that he will be in a VERY uncomfortable financial situation when he does leave, you said you have kids? Well then you need to start protecting them too! TALK TO A LAWYER!
3. You need to make an exposure EXPLODE! not trickle, when you trickle the exposure your husband will go to each person and tell them lies! How crazy you are etc. So the next time you do an exposure make sure it is HUGE! Not just one or two people, like 15 or 20! I love the fact that you sent them emails proving yourself that HE IS in an affair.
4. Get into plan A IMMEDIATELY! Meaning no more relationship talk, no more affair talk, just meet his needs, love him, care for him, and DO NOT start a arguing conversation, keep calm, and keep cool! IF he wants to pick up a fight change the subject and say "want a cookie?" Plan A is probably the most difficult plan MB has, because you have to love and care for him when inside you want to scream, yell, punch, and kick him out! Let him know what he will be missing when he leaves that door.
5. DO NOT SIGN THE D PAPERS! Deep down your husband still loves you, and if you sign that paper then 2 years later he will regret ever leaving. If you truly want to save this M then do not sign. Keep calm and focus on your Plan.
Again sorry you are here, start doing these 5 things, make sure he doesn't know what you are planning, don't show him this site, this is your getaway, your motivator, to keep going in this M.
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Joined: Mar 2010
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hi sorry you are here steps to do NOW!
1. Print out ALL the evidence you have from your husband, put it in a file and KEEP SNOOPING!! (hide the file at someone elses house someone you trust!)
I did already and they are in a safe place in Canada
2. Find a lawyer for yourself! Start protecting your self now! If you think he will leave, make sure when he does that he will be in a VERY uncomfortable financial situation when he does leave, you said you have kids? Well then you need to start protecting them too! TALK TO A LAWYER!
I did find a good lawyer
3. You need to make an exposure EXPLODE! not trickle, when you trickle the exposure your husband will go to each person and tell them lies! How crazy you are etc. So the next time you do an exposure make sure it is HUGE! Not just one or two people, like 15 or 20! I love the fact that you sent them emails proving yourself that HE IS in an affair.
I have exposed to more than 20 people-family,friends,his coworkers, OW husband but they were already in process of divorce since Jan 1.
4. Get into plan A IMMEDIATELY! Meaning no more relationship talk, no more affair talk, just meet his needs, love him, care for him, and DO NOT start a arguing conversation, keep calm, and keep cool! IF he wants to pick up a fight change the subject and say "want a cookie?" Plan A is probably the most difficult plan MB has, because you have to love and care for him when inside you want to scream, yell, punch, and kick him out! Let him know what he will be missing when he leaves that door.
He is never home to do anything. I am all alone all day with a 18 mts old baby, no family or friends nearby and completely financially dependable on him(not allowed to work in the US under my H visa). I don't pick up fight neither does he. I do not cook, clean or do his laundry. He does not care because he can do them himself. He only comes to sleep in the house and play with baby for maybe an hour and sometimes to take him in the park. We only talk when our son is concerned. Nothing more.
5. DO NOT SIGN THE D PAPERS! Deep down your husband still loves you, and if you sign that paper then 2 years later he will regret ever leaving. If you truly want to save this M then do not sign. Keep calm and focus on your Plan.
In CT where I am even if I don't sign anything he can still get a divorce. Sure I can contest that later but I can't even stay legally as Canadian here once the divorce is completed. H has already agreed that child will be moving with me to Canada.
Again sorry you are here, start doing these 5 things, make sure he doesn't know what you are planning, don't show him this site, this is your getaway, your motivator, to keep going in this M.
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So what are you saying? Are you saying you want to give up? I'm confused I thought that's why you came on this site. To get some help?
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I told you guys what I am doing but by his current actions he is not interested one bit in saving this marriage. How can I do it ALL alone? Of course I don't want to give up.
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I just want to know if this badmouthing on his behalf and trying to make the loyal spouse crazy is normal in affairs. It is not only normal - it is textbook. It is almost eerie how alike all these waywards are. Its been sad that they all read from the same script. Think about it. He HAS to make you look like the bad guy, otherwise what does that say about HIM? If you were wonderful, and loving - he'd have to be a pretty ugly person to do what he is doing, right?? Also, Waywards re write history. Its very common to hear about how they were NEVER happy, or NEVER loved you, etc... It is called FOG BABBLE. Can you do it alone? Yes. You can. But you have to have a plan. And that plan means reading all you can here. Are you willing?
BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06
Recovering
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