Man, I hate to do nothing but whine, but this is pretty much the only place I have to do it. (Don�t y�all feel special?) Sometimes the best you can hope for is to serve as a cautionary tale for somebody else.

Maybe you could show this post to someobdy who is thinking of having the harmless fun of an affair � show them what they could really be inflicting on their former families down the road.

I�ve been forced to go back to my attorney due to XWH�s not paying all of his alimony. It looks like he will try to weasel out of it. It�s possible he doesn�t have it; keeping (at least) two houses plus a big pile of girls is expensive. But hey, he�s happy, right?
****************************
Dear Mulan�s Attorney

What follows is a point-by-point explanation of the letter from my ex-husband�s attorney:

Number One: In March 2009, XWH sent me a bunch of stuff he wanted notarized � his car title, a timeshare we owned � so he could put it all in his name. It is true I responded only with a postcard. The postcard informed XWH that if he wanted something from me, he was to have his attorney send it to me and I would take care of it.

I heard nothing further from him and nothing from his attorney. I can only conclude that none of this must have been very important to him if he simply let it sit instead of having his attorney send it to me.

This man abandoned our family and destroyed it with a divorce because I would not tolerate his girlfriends, but he wanted me to �work with him� to make the divorce nice and convenient for him.

No. Married couples work together to accomplish things. XWH demanded a divorce and he got it. Now that he has sent the documents through his attorney, I will sign them in front a notary.

I would like to know when he will sign over the title of my car to me, as the divorce decree states he is to do.

Number Two: He states he has deposited a certain amount into the joint checking account each month. I have not withdrawn nearly that amount each month. So where is the balance which should have been accumulating?

Number Three: �The joint checking account automatically deducts the mortgage, water and electricity.� Excuse me?? It deducts the mortgage, but I have been paying the water and electricity directly since he moved out in June of 2008. Neither City Water Company nor City Electric Company have said anything to me on the bills I receive each month about receiving double payments.

Number Four: Yes, I was confused about how this alimony was supposed to work. I walked around in a state of shock for months both before and after he abandoned our family. I am trying to remedy that now so that my remaining family does not lose the house.

XWH made the complaint of a �near overdraft� last year. I believe the �near overdraft� happened when I was trying to pay down some credit card bills, incurred due to necessary home maintenance and to some emergency veterinary bills for a couple of sick and injured animals that I owned long before XWH left. They may just be animals, but I cannot and will not abandon them. (I no longer have these animals now.) And I struggle every day to maintain the house by myself so it will not lose value.

A �near overdraft� has not happened since. Indeed, I have made an extreme effort not to take a penny more than I was legally entitled to and so I withdrew less than I should have. Again, I would like to know where the balance is. That is why I contacted my attorney.

Number Six: I was ordered in the divorce decree to refinance the home. I tried to do this. Big Famous Bank refused, stating that due to the poor state of the housing market the house had lost too much value. I will try again with another lender after this alimony is straightened out. I have to tell the lender exactly how much I am getting and right now I don�t know. That is why I am trying to straighten this out now.

The bottom line here: XWH states he has been depositing the full amount of the court-ordered alimony into the joint checking account each month. I have not withdrawn that full amount in any month. So where is the balance? It�s not in the account.

Again: Everything about the divorce and the alimony was done 100% according to XWH�s demands. So why has he not complied with the arrangement that he insisted on?

Except for the above-mentioned postcard, I have not contacted him in any way, shape or form since he left. I have not seen him, called him, emailed him, written him a letter, nothing. I don�t even know where he lives and I don�t want to know.

He wanted to get rid of me, and he did. So I don�t understand why he is refusing to honor the rest of the legal document that he demanded and that he succeeded in getting.

I did not want a divorce. I only wanted my husband to stop seeing other women and come home and take care of his own family. None of us here wanted him to leave. But to punish me for standing up to him about his adultery and for refusing to look the other way, XWH demanded this divorce and insisted on the alimony being set up as it is.

This was not an �agreement� in any way. All of it was forced on me and shoved in front of me to sign. I only signed because I was, frankly, terrified that he would force the sale of the family home if I did not comply with his wishes.

I still live in fear every day that he will find some way to take the home away from me and my son. That is one reason why I have not pursued this sooner.

All of this literally sickens me. Two years later, I am still struggling every day to clean up the gigantic mess he dumped on our family. It is destroying my health, which is actually pretty funny because (1) I lost my health insurance in the divorce, as did my son, and (2) I was treated for severe anxiety and depression just before XWH left so now I have a �pre-existing condition� and cannot get any sort of decent coverage on my own. Boy, the jokes just keep on coming.

I would like nothing more in life than to have my husband and my family back. I�d like to have my life back. There are two children who would like to have their father back and and two grandchildren who would like to have their �Papa� back.

But XWH insisted that dumping a family who loved him and getting a divorce was going to make him �happy�. Okay. Well, now he is free to chase women 24/7, and between that and all the wreckage and misery he has left in his wake I can only conclude that he must be the happiest man on earth.

Please feel free to send this letter in its entirety to my ex-husband�s attorney.

I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. You are very strong, yet I have no advice or insight to give. I'm sorry is all I can say.

From my own experience dealing with attorneys, I think you'll want 2 pare that down quite a bit. It'd cost about $500 for my attorney 2 read a letter like that, I kid you not!

-ol' 2long

Mom -- please take my offer and let me deal with this. I still have the Finanical Power of Attorney in my inbox for you to sign. I'm serious.

You are not up to deal with this properly and you know it. I'm not trying to be snarky, but honestly, this totally painful for you to fully deal with this.

I understand that you may never get over this, ever. And that is your right. But, you need to put these feelings aside for a minute to deal with the financial stuff practically. When does your alimony end? Do you know?


You dont use a phone and cannot deal with this over the telephone. No matter how you feel about it, taxes still need to be paid, alimony is going to end at some point. Are you prepared to deal with that? I really dont think you are. Which is fine -- just admit it and let me help you.

I can set you up for financial success and get this straighted out. Do you really want to continue spinning your wheels for the next two years? If it is so painful for you to deal with, why dont you let someone else do it!

Seriously -- DONT send that letter. They will not take you seriously. I'm sorry -- it won't matter. Just state the facts.

Mulan, I'm puzzled. Surely the bank statements show exactly what is deposited each month, and what is withdrawn? If your XH is not depositing what he claims, or he is indeed depositing it but you are withdrawing most of it, that should be very simple to prove? Do you have no access to the statements, either paper or online?

TA

"I would like nothing more in life than to have my husband and my family back. I�d like to have my life back. There are two children who would like to have their father back and and two grandchildren who would like to have their �Papa� back."

You know, the grandkids would like nothing more than have their Grandma back too. They haven't seen you in a year. And we know why. I know this situation is very hard on your health and it is very, very difficult to deal with.

But, we are here too. The grandkids are here too. I dont know why I'm posting on this message board, as I would like things to be private, but I feel like this situation has taken over. And maybe you'll listen.

You have me, DS22, son-in-law and two grandkids that need their Grandma too. Let us help you deal with this, get yoru financials straightend out, you can push him aside and try to enjoy life a little with DS22 and US. All of this focus on DS22 and the boys living in your house -- what about our girls? They are missing their Grandma.

Do NOT send that to your attorney.

And for the love of god, DO NOT send that to to WXH's attorney.

Just call your lawyer and explain what is going on. Or, if you are not capable of doing so, have someone you trust do it for you.


If I understand the letter completely it should simply say something like the following.

We will not entertain any further property transactions until the terms of the alimony agreement have been met.

Why a joint account? Why haven't you established your own account for the alimony to be deposited into? This entire alimony problem would be solved with YOUR individual account.

You could put your daughter on the account with you so that she would have access in case of emergency. (I have my daughter on my account with me and it works great for that).

committed

Why are you afraid of this?

Was it not awarded to you in the divorce?

This whole thread has me confused.

Why do you still have a joint account with WXH?

Do you have no documentation from the divorce stating the amount of alimony you are to receive?

Can't you simply check that documentation against account statement's to see if the correct amount has been withdrawn?


Close the joint account and have the alimony direct deposited into your own account, Problem solved.

Mom -- have you looked into the joint checking account to see how things are being deposited?

The last time we talked about this, you said you didn't want to look in there and don't have a password? I understand your fear of looking into the account (you said you didn't want to look in there for fear of seeing something fishy), but like I've said, you need to see how things are getting paid.

Bottom line: close the account, have a set amount of money deposited into the account and pay the bills from there.

Like I've said before: Tell the attorneys that a) you want to close the joint account, b) Deposit xyz amount into your checking checking and c) Note that you'll pay xyz bills on xyz date.

It is complicated because I know the mortage is still in both of your names and in this economy it is going to be hard to get the house into your name. You'll need to show, in writing, that you'll pay it xyz date and paying xyz amount.

It is very simple. Or if it is too difficult, let me take over. I can get this squared away for you in one month. Problem solved, no more stress over financials.

Define fishy?


I think this may be the best idea.

She said she didn't want to see any transactions from XH that she didn't want to see.

I get that -- I do. It is still painful. But the reality is, financials must be dealt with effectively.

I live in fear everyday that you are going to wakeup and not relaize that alimony has ended, the IRS is sending you a giant bill or your house will not be re-fianced since you weren't prepared to deal with it appropriately.

Mulan says she doesn't use a phone. You need a phone to re-finance, you need a password to review your joint bank account to see what is being paid -- AND WHEN.

Mulan doesn't do this because she is scared. I understand that. Please someone help me convince her to allow someone else to help her.

I do care. I'm sorry to do this on a public board. But you have supportive friends here. Let me help you deal with this. This is killing you. You do your best to handle your emotions and DS22. Let me deal with the financials. Please. Please. Please.

Mulan, you need to look at your financial future. I can't imagine anything worse than to have gone through all the cr@p that you have and then lose whatever is left. All because you didn't want to look at the bank statements for fear of seeing a transaction that indicated sleezy behavior. Please let your daughter help you with this and get it in control. Protect yourself!!! You might think things can't get worse, but they CAN!

Come on Mulan...you can do this.

Ahhhh

Gotcha.

She is a head in the sand, fingers in ears shouting "La, La, La" until the problem goes away type.

I have experience with the type.

If she is the "Hide and it will go away" type, then yes.....She absolutely MUST have someone else help her with finances.

What are her reasons for not letting you help?

Mulan, I agree with others who say that you need to have your own account at this point. You are now solely responsible for your financial future. Sure, it stinks, it's unfair and frightening, but it IS, and you are going to have to be the one to take care of you.

It's not in my nature to lay down and take it. I always pop back up like a weeble wobble, so I find it hard to relate to your lack of action. I find it hard to relate to the fear of knowing. I find it hard to relate to giving in. Sure, I have fears, but I continue to walk in the face of them. I don't give myself a choice,and I am grateful for that tenacity, because even though I don't have my house anymore, and I have what I would consider a more uncertain future, I am happy, I feel safe because I know when the poo hits the fan, *I* will be there to take care of me.

RECOVERY IS A CHOICE. It's not granted to you by the recovery fairy. It takes a lot of hard work, A LOT! But it first has to start with a choice.

I'm not trying to be hard on you, Mulan...I want you to take action, so that you can live a better, happier, safter, healthier life.

Thank you. This is what I've been trying to tell Mulan for a long time.

You may never be fully recovered and that is understandable. Life for you has been tramatic for the last 10 years. You have made great strides in getting yourself better, little by little. For that, I'm very proud. You have a good job, you care for the house well and help a lot with DS22's friends.

But, now, you must continue to recover. You've recovered by blocking out pain, IMO.

You've told me that you can handle the finances and then "take an Ativan" to recover. That is no way to handle this stuff.

The finances will not go away. If you are not equipped to handle them fully, life for you will get worse. You must face this head-on.

Sometimes if even hurts me. I worry that you may never get over this situation. And I feel like I've lost a mother to this situation. Soemone who doesn't know my kids or use a phone to call me when I need you. I beleive you are still in, as you guys say around here, "the fog". When you've been hurt tramatically it is hard to see anything else but your situation in front of you.

Please make a good choice and choose to see the good things in front of you. You have a house, you do have money coming in, you have a son who needs your guidance, and girls who who need a grandma. Sometimes you are so worried about XH not seeing the girls when you haven't seen them either.

I see what you post and I'm not trying to be hard on you. But I know you post strong, hard facts to others when that isnt what they want to read. So, I'm doing the same for you.

Please let me help you. If anything, you have potiential to lead a full, productive and happy life with the finances and people around you. Life isn't perfect and we all wish things were different. Unfortuantely, there are always things we can't change. You've gone through something devasating -- I'll never deny you the right to grieve the rest of your life. But dont left this event dictate how you'll live forever. I believe you'll live to regret it.

(((((mulan)))))

I have read many posts from you, Mulan. I have often wondered if you are not "spinning your wheels" in despair due to the situation. I do not know if it is healthy.

Find out your financial status today. If you do not know how to- for the love of god, get a plan to figure it out, today.

No one is helping you here, if we are just patting you on the back and not helping you to generate positive change.

You are in need of help.

Okay, I'm sorry I posted this. I never should have done it.

The attorneys are handling everything. I am doing things according to their advice. It seemed to me very foolish to attempt this any other way - what am I supposed to do, call up XWH and ask him to help?? - so I got the professionals to help me clean up the mess and that's what's happening now.

I do not know what else I could have done.

Am I scared? Hell yes, I'm scared. I'm not ashamed of that. Sometimes you should be. Bravery and stupidity are often confused.

But neither am I sticking my fingers in my ears and going "la la la". Thanks a lot. If I was, I would not have hired some big-gun local attorneys to help me deal with this.

The housing market killed the re-fi. I did what I was supposed to do. That was out of my control. All I can do is try again, once the attorneys have cleaned up the mess. That's all anyone could do.

I use phone when I need to use a phone. I just do not leave it on. That is to protect me.

I have not taken an Ativan since about Christmas. I use kava occasionally, but that's all. I have not been on anti-depressants since about last fall.

I only posted this to show some who think that divorce will solve all their problems that no, it will not.

Even though I have absolutely no contact with XWH whatsoever - and I can only imagine what y'all would tell me if I did - he still manages to make my life extremely painful. Every time I turn around, I run smack into something else of his that I am forced to clean up.

I did not ask for any of this. I have tried for *years* to get away from it, but the point is - you can't. It's amazing how someone you haven't seen or spoken to in two solid years can still tear up your life on a daily basis, no matter what you do.

Again - this was meant as something to think about for anyone who thinks divorce will make it all go away. It won't.

I am fine. Really. I sent another letter to the attorneys this morning. Now I have to get back to work.

ditto