JL got to the bone first. I was creeping up on the same observation, but now it is out there: Her actions prove she is still the same person now as she was back then!

�But I just don't know if I can ever trust her again since I have been hurt so bad.� - This is an erroneous conflation. Your hurt is subjective. Her trustworthiness is objective. The two are not related. She is not trustworthy independent of what you feel or do not feel about her.

I think you know her not being able to drive isn�t going to stop her hurtful actions. There is the internet, of course. She is already using it to hurt you further. She can easily have OMs come to her. You should be prepared to find assorted OMs lurking under your own bed one of these days.

Call the MB counseling center. If you can�t afford it let me know.

So, she was married before? Were you? Did you know her while she was married? Are you in an affairage?

What is affairage? If it is Rage then the answer is Yes.
I did not know her until she was divorced. Yes I was married before for a short period of time.
She is in IC and so am I. We went to MC but have stopped at this time.
As for MB counseling I am not sure how much it would cost so I do not know if I could afford or not.

I don't really know if this was a wake up for her or not.
I keep telling her if she can't figure out why she did these things she can't fix them. She keeps talking about going stay with a lady she knows but I tell her when she leaves it will be over and then there is no chance. Part of me thinks it is over anyway because no matter how much I care for her I don't think I can live with her knowing what she did to us. It just shows to much disrespect for me to get over.

An affairage is a marriage that occurs where one or both people were currently married when they began their "relationship."

BHM, Have you read ALL of the info on this site? This INCLUDES the tab at the top that says, "Counseling Center?"

I have read some of the stuff but not all. When I read how you are supposed to act and I do something different like totally freak out when she tells me something it just makes me mad. There have been times when she said if I think of something I will have to really decide if I want to tell you because all you do is use it against me. All I want to know is how and why it started, why it went from 1 to 2 and why it did not stop.
I can control the online crap she was doing but I can't change what she did years ago. If only I had never found out until one of us was about dead. I knew it was a dangerous question when I asked. I was suspecting her to say 1 or none but never would I have thought she did what she did. When she told a lady that used to work with her she did not even know what she was doing back then. She did guess the men real quick since my WW hung out with them alot.

Maybe I need to start another tread with a different title to see if anyone else that has survived will reply I think the title scares some away. I will say what I have go from the people here has been great.

Does anyone have a suggestion for a good title that would get responses from people that have truly survived an affair.

BHM,

You can change the title of this thread if you like. It will help the readers if you don't start a new thread as they can catch up with what has been said.

As for a new title, what are you seeking? What do you want to know? I doubt that your title is frightening people, but remember this week is a holiday week and thus slower than normal.

You might consider asking for advice with dealing with an old affair discovered recently. Something like that in your title.

Just thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

BHM

If you want to keep your thread up where everyone can see it and look and respond we can just keep bumping it up for you. I see that you want more people to respond to you so I will bump it up now and again later if I see it slipping. Check in now and again and bump it up yourself asking for more help. Otherwise, HELP ME seems taken or if you don't feel like smiling or maybe...I don't know what to do, serial WW. I don't know, whatever works for you.

I would love to change the title of topic as some has suggested but I do not see where I can do that.

BTW weekend was ok no major blowups from me.

Even though she is saying and doing most things right she still says she does not deserve to be forgiven for what she did and at this time I agree with her.
She knows I will not leave her at this time because of her health issue. If it were not for the issues we are dealing with I think her health would have improved already. I know I would be treating her different. I can't be the loving husband I need to be at this time. We are just existing me as the caretaker and her trying to get me to be more.
She wants to be intimate but at this time I can't even stand the thought of kissing her.
I know her act was a long time ago but it might as well been last week for me.
I hope her IC helps her find the issues that causes her to do the things she does. I hope my IC helps me be able to cope with the situation I am in.

BHM

Being the A's are long over for WW. Thank god she has not been WW since then. I assume you found out just this past april.

Keep remembering

It's normal to in turmoil. Six months for a BS to grasp what happened then go into an anger phase for another six months next.

Maybe an IC for yourself all call the Harleys to give you a plan to cope during this time.

Here is something for you to read. If you have not read through everything on this site by Dr. Harley I suggest you do it. If you have then read it again. This particular link is about forgiveness and it is important and applicable to you right now. It may help you get a start to form a plan. If you need help with a plan to recover yourself let us know and we can help you. If you decide you want to save your marriage let us all know and we can help you form a plan. We keep telling you that you need a plan. If you don't do this you are bound to keep feeling the way you are feeling forever. Do you want to start to recover from this pain? If so, read this. Read all the info again and again and start to form a plan for just you or for your marriage. We will help you with either or both. I just can't stand seeing you suffer the same pain day after day, you must start to help yourself get a hold of this. Painful days do not have to be a large part of the rest of your life.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

We both agreed that I would not be able to forgive her for what she did and the length of time it went on. But I did tell her I would stay with her until her health issue was resolved and she could function on her own. At the present time she can't be left alone for long periods of time. I said we would re-evaluate the situation in 6 to 12 months and see if her health was improving and also see if I have a change of heart. The only problem with this is if her health does not improve I am stuck. The way I feel at the present time as soon as she is able to function as a responsible adult we will separate. I do not know if this is the best soulution or not but it is really all I have at this point.
She is really trying to show me she has changed but I am just to hurt and scared to try again at this point in time. I have seen her this way to many times in the past.

Dances and Just learning thanks for all you have said. I am getting the thread title changed to "Wife's old affair Just found out Help Needed"
Don't know if my mind will change but I will listen to all just to try to help myself no matter what decision I finally make.

It is your prerogative to not want to recover.

Right now I bet you can't trust your WW at all.

You need to ease the pain from worrying about what she is up to.

Tell WW that she needs to be 100% transparent. Access to all her computer accounts, phone, phone bills. Then without telling her get a keylogger, gps on her cell phone.

WW is probably doing nothing to cause you worry. Verifying this will let you rest easy.
After six months for you to process the affairs and verifying NC will have you in a much better place.

karmasrose
At one time I thought I wanted to recover but now I am not sure I can live with what she did and the length of time she did it. I think I would be better off alone than having to think about this daily.

The Road
You are correct I do not trust her or believe anything she tells me. At the present time I do not have to worry about her doing anything because of her current health condition. I already have all passwords. I got them when she her health issue started. That is how I found out about EA in Jan of this year which caused me to ask the questions that I asked. I asked her if there had ever been any real affairs but I did not ask that nice.
This time she admitted when she had denied in the past. The more info I get I realize just how bad it was and how easy it was for her to deceive me. It makes me sick to think of all the times I kissed her after she did what she did with these men.

Brokenheartedman, I apologize if I missed it in the beginning but do the kids know? Your story is so incredible, I can not imagine going through so much pain nor can I get over your wife's ability to keep this hidden for such a long time. Did she think she was dying and that's why she came clean? I just don't understand this on so many levels. God Bless You.

Kenmoore no she did not think she was dying and not sure why she told me now. I had asked in the past. I questioned her during that time when I suspected and again 10 yrs ago when online/phone stuff going on.
She is so depressed that it is hurting her healing process from her injury. All she does is sleep.
She has always said she loved me but I don't know how she could have. Now she says it all the time.
I just wished I knew why she did this and allowed herself to be used like she did. Nothing but a mouth who** is what I feel like she was.

On top of everything she admitted, you will always wonder as just about every BS wonders: What isn't she telling me? What's the rest of it. OMG! I can not fathom the possibilities! I'm a little older than you and I too wonder about some instances more than 30 years ago. I've tried to get some answers but am told there was nothing so nothing to tell. I stay on top of all her movements since about 1985 on but before that I was traveling the East Coast out to South Dakota for business and drinking heavily. I was really into my own pleasure and not paying her much attention at all. I guess I will never know if anything happened, just bugs me some times and after reading your post, due to you age and length of your suspicions it reminded me of my situation. Thanks for sharing.

You are losing sight that you can verify NC. You are not suppose to be taking this calm. This is why you are not to make any important life lasting decisions.

You do not have to recover. Many have recovered with worse stories.