Hi I'm new, sorta. I was married 10 years ago and my husband had an affair. The marriage ended and I worked on building myself and fixing the things about myself that I'd thought caused the affair. Now I've been married for 5 years and had a baby three months ago. My world is gone, my life has crashed I don't know what to do. I'm barely hanging on.

When I was 6 months pregnant,my WH started acting strange and having been through this I had several red flags. The man I loved and knew was a stranger. I discovered that WH had a dating profile. I confronted him, he downplayed etc.. I printed out the emotional needs questionaires but he never seemed to have time to do them but insisted that he was no longer "looking" (he had in fact deleted the profiles months prior but I saw it on google cache). A few weeks after our son was born he left his computer profile logged on and I logged onto his email and facebook. I found several messages to women flirting.He had several other online sites he was a part of as well, none of them dating or sex site, just social networking but had all women slutty friends. I should have been smarter and kept looking because I immediately confronted, he rushed home and changed all passwords. We started MC and he downplayed saying it was nothing, wasn't even technically cheating. I thought there was more and certain he's been having online sexual affairs but had no proof. Finally I asked for full disclosure, he would not give passwords but wrote in a letter everything he'd done, which was of course nothing but occasional emails to women. Still didn't sit right but he swore on his son's life there was nothing else and I told him this was it, I would believe him but if I ever found out more we were done. He got rid of facebook.

Now here we are a few months later. We had a fight, I have a secret way of finding out when he reactivates his facebook. Lo and behold a few hours in he activates his facebook. I kicked him out. I reactivated my facebook. We continued to fight via text and in the end I was weak and practically begging him to come home because I have no support and trying to take care of our son while dealing with this is overwhelming. He refused but asked me to deactivate facebook and told me he was aswell. As soon as I logged on to facebook a profile came up as "someone you may know". The name was a name I knew he used as a fake profile. So I clicked on it and it was identical to him without pictures. Over a hundred slutty, looking for dating female friends. Again I was stupid and confronted him and all of a sudden the profile was gone . He admitted he had the profile but only used it for the facebook games. I say BS. I know he is having online sexual affairs but cannot prove. This time it hit me hard. I feel so depressed. He hasn't admitted to anything and refused to give me access to the profile so I know he was deleting anything incriminating. I don't know what to do. We are supposed to talk but I can't believe anything the liar says. I have a couple of names of the women before he deleted the profile so I'm thinking of contacting them but what if he didn't do anything with them or what if they just tell me to f-off? A few of them have sex sites. I don't know what to do I'm a mess and the only thing keeping me holding on is my son. I can't keep playing catch me if you can and I can't get the truth. He is a computer wiz so looking in to keyloggers, don't think they'd work. His phone is in his name and password protected. Someone please help

Im not a Pro. They will be on and are sure they are going to give you some solid advice.

Your right to be worried. This is not in your head. There is a problem and online affairs can really hurt a marriage. Look at sick of limbo's thread to see how a facebook affair thousands of miles away can destroy 2 M.

Your right to do the snooping. Find out whatever you can. Also check the cell phone. Its the next logical step past online chatting. If you can get into the account then look into a VAR. Checking the spying 101 and 102 threads for info on effective snooping.

BTW you can also hire people to hack past the PW protection.

When you have some concrete evidence look into exposure. Go ahead and start gathering names and phone numbers for influential people who could challenge the A. MIL and FIL are huge allies. Your kids should be informed if they are old enough. His work anyone that can influence his actions.

Remember no one wants these things exposed to the light of day. Shine a light on the A and it will whither.

Need to get the info before you expose though. Otherwise they can deny their way out of it and call you paranoid. WS will say anything to keep people off them.

The pros will be on shortly and you can expect some solid support.

Im sorry your here but you can fix your M.

Thank you for your response. I will look into more techniques for spying. Funny that's what he calls it. I'm spying on him and violating HIS trust. A big problem with exposure is that no one cares. His family is strange and his brother's relationship just ended because of similar circumstances and they don't care.They have two children together and the grandparents don't care. I outed him to a few people he was "wooing" the ones who thought they were special and I was a monster as well as outing him to my friends and family. His brother has been encouraging him to cheat and "ditch the [censored]" (me). I don't understand why they don't care their response to the dating profile was "well whatever".

Another thing...stop confronting him on every little thing, because he is just taking it further underground. Gather your evidence and keep it in a safe place away from home.

Keep snooping, but don't give away your sources.

In the meantime, read up on Plan A and start doing it. His cheating is NOT YOUR FAULT...not in any way. All you need to address is your half of the problems in your marriage. His cheating is ALL on him.

Keep posting, and some more vets will come along and help you.

A keylooger *will* work. They run in stealth mode so it is highly unlikely that he will find it. They run hidden in the registry.

http://www.spectorsoft.com/products/SpectorPro_Windows/entry.asp?refer=12080

This is an excellent product.

Your H is torturing you. It is almost certain that he is having an affair. PROTECT yourself and DO something about this. You cannot stay mired down in depression and pain. Dont give him the power to do that to you.

MAKE A PLAN and get started. People here will help you.

Install the key logger. You are NOT going to get a straight answer from your husband. He is LYING and gaslighting you and he will make you crazy.

H8 sorry you are here,

What I can tell you is even tho these A were only EA (emotional Affairs) it can still ruin a marriage, I had 2 EA's and they were both from online connections. A couple things that might help.

1. Do not trust your husband, he will lie to you so don't trust him. The reason why WS (wayward spouses) lie so well is because we do the biggest lie there is, and that is, WE LIE TO OURSELVES!

2. You need to read read read EVERYTHING on this site! There are tuns of people who can help you restore your M.

3. SNOOP SNOOP SNOOP, gather all the evidence and keep gathering it of your H infidelity. Put it in a file and make sure it is save, maybe at a friends house you can trust.

4. I would definitly look into buying a keylogger, var, or a GPS for his car or phone. I ask my husband how come he didn't buy a var for the car, and he said he didn't want to. But boy oh boy would he have heard A LOT MORE OF THE A!! So i recommend doing that first! Since all of his A's are online!

5. Even though his family or friends dont care about him doing these things to you, still do a massive exposure, my husband did it on facebook where both of mine and OM's friends were, killed it DEAD! Make sure when you send out emails, give them evidence that you are telling the truth.

I am sorry you are here, but there are tuns of people on here that will help.

We have several computers only one we share. I don't think he accesses the sites from the shared computer. I think he uses his computer which only has a profile for him and it is password protected. Is it possible to install a keylogger when you can't access the computer? Also he may have security cameras installed to watch the computer. He also has several anti spy antivirus software on all the computers, is that going to detect the keylogger? Sorry for so many questions but if I do this and he finds out he will go way underground and I think this is my last shot.

We are supposed to talk tonight. He keeps saying I love you. I don't know what I should say or do in these situations

It's just so frustrating. How can you stop an affair when it's multiple indiscretions not just one person? He has access to the internet from his phone. He can create a new profile anytime and it's up to me to find it?I just don't know how to put a stop to it. I'm thinking of giving up. Our son is young enough now what happens in 5 years when he does it again and our son wonders why his world is being turned upside down?

Im sorry you are here H8.

I am no pro and I am still trying to fix myself. I am a WH and my dday was only a few months ago, but as the WH I can assure you he has a lot more than you probably know about. I am not to well cversed up on the keylogger yet but am looking into it for my wife. There is another thing you can get for his phone, it is called flexispy. It is softwear to spy on txt, calls and internet usage on his cell. You can even active the speaker with out him knowing and listen in on whats going on around him. You don't need his phone to be able to have this work. Google flexispy and check out the web site to get more info on it.

The fact that he has changed his passwords and refuses to give them to you says he is still doing it and will continue to do it. The first thing I did was give full and total access to my wife and deleted all of my things and what I did keep she has full access to them.

I know that you are in the right area for help to be able to repair you marriage and there are tons of people on here that will help you. Don't give up and keep pressuring him and expossing where and when you can. You are in our prayers.

You've got to be kidding!

Also, to answer your earlier question, you do need access to his computer to install eblaster. If he ever leaves it logged on, you can go to the website and have it downloaded in about 5 minutes and it is then supposed to erase all evidence. But you need admin access to the computer first.

H8facebook:

My heart goes out to you and I think you should do everything you can to protect yourself and your son. This could not have come at a better time for me because here I am dealing with my H having a fling that resulted in an OC. I'm trying to stick with the M but also thinking about leaving at times hoping to start over. But I often think if I ever get married again will I run into the same scenario. My mom says I will (from experience) and that is why she has strongly encouraged me to stay if I really love my H. Sometimes I really believe men cannot be faithful to one person. I also wonder why marriage was designed if all of us have the same issues with men having EA's. I also think the computer has made it easier for these types of things to happen. My H's temptation started with the computer and looking at sites that are totally unacceptable. If I knew what I know now I think I would have avoided M all together because it seems to only BRING HURT and PAIN. I can honestly say I believe 95% of men cheat in some form or another. In some countries this type of behavior is acceptable...go figure......

His computer costs about $8000 so at one point he mentioned putting cameras on it to make sure it doesn't get stolen. Like I said he's a computer wiz. If there's a way around being detected he has it. The only computer that I have admin rights to is the one I am using as it is my personal laptop. The rest he is the admin. The flexispy looks like you have to have access to the phone initially. Again problem because he keeps it with him at all times and had it password protected. Someone mentioned being able to hire someone to hack, that may be the route I have to go.

Another thing, the Internet is in my name only. Can I use that to my advantage? Other than cancelling it which would push him underground.

I totally agree. Technology is going to ruin more and more marriages the more advanced it gets

Do you think it is possible, since your WH is so tech savy, that he may have placed a keylogger on the computer you use? If so, you should get it checked. You don't need him to know where you are going and what you are doing.

You can call the provider and ask if they can give you access to his usage and see what they tell you. Not sure if they will give you anything but it doesn't hurt to ask. Also you can get one of those small little spy cams yourself and put it near the computer or area he is in a=to see if you can get his passwords that way.

The main thing you need to do is just pressure him and work a plan either A or B. If he wants his M and he truley loves you then he will open up to you. Keep working it.

I've never had this problem, but I know some posters have mentioned that the antivirus software sometimes picks up a keylogger program. To be sure to get around it you need to run the program and tell it to ignore the keylogger program. (Click the little antivirus icon that should be on his taskbar and follow the prompts.)

I have considered that. I have the same software installed as he does. I don't know if he could gain access to it when I'm the admin?? He also controls the wireless network so I don't know. I'm not very computer savvy. The only thing he'd find is this site which would tip him off to my plans. Otherwise I don't do anything that I would care about him seeing. I try to use the 3G on my phone whenever possible. I have all my evidence ie. dating profiles etc.. stored on here but I also have them on a memory stick and at a friend's place. So the biggest thing I'd worry about is him finding this site.

H8, I know you are trying to get evidence to be able to expose, but this site is mainly for trying to repair your M. A site for you to try to get help with evidence is called cafemom.com. They have a forum on there for just that reason, I know this because my wife has shown me and they are brutal there. If you need help getting evidance try there. But stay with this site to help you repair the marriage and to help you move forward.

As I have stated I am still in the very early stages of repairing but if it were not for this place my W and I would be lost and probably have ended it by now. There are lots of very helpful people to help you throug this.

Thank you everyone for the support.
I do want to repair my marriage first and foremost. This last time was so devastating because I know he is doing something and for all I know what I'm thinking is worse. One of his facebook friends is a teenage girl in her underwear with her hands down her pants. So what am I dealing with? Is he a monster? I gave him another chance and my trust again and he took advantage of me. I don't want to be taken advantage of and to find out another five years from now something worse because I don't know if I could come back from that. I need to know what we are dealing with. I need to know if it's all random EA, or if it's sexual or physical. I need to know if there's anyone serious.

This talk tonight is crucial because I need to get him to give me access without getting defensive. I think he is invested in this marriage but I don't know. I want to say the right things and I'm afraid I'm going to screw up and he's just going to walk away. I think I will present him with some information on internet affairs as well as the emotional needs questionnaires again.

He won't give you access. He's secretive because he's intentionally hiding his activities. But remember one thing about waywards: they are lying liars. Also, they will do anything to keep the lie going, and one of those is called "blame shifting." You'll be tuned into the bad guy because you are the one who is spying. He'll deflect any and all focus from himself back to you. So, just so you know, the chances of him agreeing to giving you access are remote.

He is not allowed to have secrets in marriage. A spouse is allowed to have privacy (for instance, going to the bathroom), but not secrecy. Obviously your M is not safe under this current arrangement.