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Originally Posted by 2long
I listened, and was surprised 2 hear in amongst the discussion about exposure, that the Dr and the Mrs said that plan B was when 2 expose. But it may have just been that they were recommending that Ron go 2 plan B and expose simultaneously because he hadn't up 2 this point.

I didn't hear them say that. In fact, I heard him say the opposite, that Plan A is when you expose.

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Regardless, he's where he is for whatever reason. Lambasting him for not exposing earlier by calling him an enabler of something that obviously hurts him deeply (and he did say he thought he was doing the right thing, however wrong it 2rned out 2 be) isn't particularly helpful.

Dr Harley is a better judge than you of what is "helpful" and what is not though. This man needed to hear that he is an enabler because it is the truth. We have no evidence that he was "run off" by hearing the truth. The truth is always helpful. What is not helpful is enabling an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by 2long
I listened, and was surprised 2 hear in amongst the discussion about exposure, that the Dr and the Mrs said that plan B was when 2 expose. But it may have just been that they were recommending that Ron go 2 plan B and expose simultaneously because he hadn't up 2 this point.

I didn't hear them say that. In fact, I heard him say the opposite, that Plan A is when you expose.

I'll listen 2 it again, when I can. But I remember it differently.

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Dr Harley is a better judge than you of what is "helpful" and what is not though.

You crack me up, Melbert!

-ol' 2long

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2long heard right, Joyce said it in the background as an interjection while Dr. Harley was addressing the caller. I am fairly certain that Joyce simply misspoke (not that you can't expose in Plan B TOO).




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Originally Posted by MrWondering
2long heard right, Joyce said it in the background as an interjection while Dr. Harley was addressing the caller. I am fairly certain that Joyce simply misspoke (not that you can't expose in Plan B TOO).

That sounds about right. And it's certainly plausible that it was a mistake.

FWIW, I still advise newbies 2 expose right away. It doesn't always help recover the marriage, but it never really hurts it (at worst), though it always hurts the affair.

-ol' 2long

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Originally Posted by MrWondering
2long heard right, Joyce said it in the background as an interjection while Dr. Harley was addressing the caller. I am fairly certain that Joyce simply misspoke (not that you can't expose in Plan B TOO).

ahhh, gotcha.... I just remembered Dr Harley saying that exposure was part of Plan A, which it is. He says to expose "right away." Many marriages wouldn't have to go to plan B if they exposed in Plan A.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Maybe Joyce was just talking about when people typically do expose, instead of when they are supposed to. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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bump


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'd love to "expose" based on a couple emails I've read where my husband is discussing karate only with this woman he admitted back in January to being infatuated with. Now he's quit the dojo (karate studio) he'd attended and we're working on the marriage builders program. He admited to enjoying this woman's friendship while working out. He felt his growing feelings towards this woman at the time were a redflag our relationship was in trouble. We'd already been discussing our relationship and trying to figure out a solution back then.


Since attending the MB seminar in January he lied to me about discontinuing the emailing to this woman after we'd made an agreement about opposite sex relationship. That was very disappointing and makes it hard to re-group and begin again--again. I've watched his emailing and tried to place a keylogger on my computer and failed w/the keylogger, I couldn't connect after downloading. He rarely uses my computer at home anyway. He has a tablet PC at work. I'm concerned about violating patient privacy with a keylogger on his tablet PC. And he drives a motorcycle 99.99% of the time, so how the heck do you place a audiorecorder?

I check phone records and financial records home and office and do not see anything off. I've been reading a PI's book about infidelity and will see if through any of his methods there is anything I could do to help.

I'm not trying to enable my husband. I don't see he is actively involved nor have I disproved his original claims. My husband DOES have IB habits I've enabled though the years. His behaviors really distress me more then ever because I'm so hyper aware. I've become anxious and depressed. It can seem like such a mountain to climb. I recently started taking an anti-depressent which is helping but also causing SD which is also not helping SF! Ya can't win sometimes!

The thing that gauls me these days with my husband....he's willing to do the MB program but he's also kind of indifferent and cynical. Basically he wants to selectively use the program. I negotiate to use the program as is. He argues various points he's not sold on or talks about how this or that does not make sense. He does not understand why time spent say going to the movies does not count. I've sent statements by Dr Harley. At this point I believe its about avoidance and so on. He's also jadded about being able to fall in love again. Its exaperating for me. To me, there is nothing stopping us, we've been given the tools. I've put in conciderable energy on my side of the fence. It took me awhile to get out of the habit of working on his side too!

Last night we scheduled our UA time for this week. In the past month we've had difficulty getting 15 hours in. More like 10 hours. Its hurting us. I said if we go at the usual rate or rate so far we'll need to spend 7.5 hours on Saturday to get 15 hours. This did seem like a reality check.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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There are times when the Harleys say to wait until Plan B to expose. A good friend of mine was counseling with SH, and just about ready to go to PB. He said it is fine to expose in PB, and sometimes he recommends this, because then you are protected from the fallout of the exposure.

IMO, that doesn't contradict with Dr. H's advice of asap exposure at all, since most of the time that we talk to people it's early in the process and we WOULD NOT want them to wait around till Plan B.

Very few people we meet on here would be so close to PB that it would make no practical difference to wait on exposure; most need to set off the E-bomb without delay.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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