I've seen affairs take six months to a year to end.

Then recovery take two to five years.

Changes are happening.

They don't get noticed by the BH because they come about in very small increments. Too small to notice on a day to day basis.

If you are here to save your marriage then the wait will be worth it. Make the end be your motivation.

The thing is being here you have your best shot. However not every team can pull victory out in the bottom of the ninth inning. No one can give you a guarantee on winning.

If you need a guarantee to wage battle then best to fold up now.

Again, strait from the wayword script.

I know that there is no guarantee of success and this is
my best bet. The prize is worth the pain, but this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I can hardly sleep, can't concentrate at work and am
losing a ton of weight - an upside really.

She hasn't agreed to NC and is toughing it out at the office even
though everybody knows. She can't make up her mind and I think she hates me for not making the decision easy i.e. Plan A. This will be pissing off other man too for sure although they may have made plans. I am the enemy and need to disrupt them, I can't just sit back and wait.

" This will be pissing off other man too for sure although they may have made plans. I am the enemy and need to disrupt them, I can't just sit back and wait."

That's the way to go. Pitch him inside, keep him off the plate, make him uncomfortable to be in the batters box.

The question is how?

Cal OM's wife and see whats going on.

He is probably telling her one thing and your WW somthing else.



What do WW and OM do (What kind of work)?

I reached out to OMW today but she doesn't want to know. There are no kids so it is all over.

The employer doesn't care and lots of it going on - so no pressure there either.

She has filed for divorce?

Ok, but what do they do?

Clarify something for me, please: in one of your posts you say the OMW threw him out and doesn't want him back. A day or so later, you say she's trying to get him back. Which is it, and how do you know? Have you talked to her yourself? If not, you need to do so post-haste. She will more than likely be a huge ally is killing this A. Don't believe anything your WW tells you. You need to talk to her yourself.

blah blah blah. Wayward-speak. Yeah, I saw notes from my FWH to his AP, declaring that they were soul mates. And of course she bought it. Exposure sure ended "soul mating season" for those two!

Omw said she threw him out the first night. Ww told
me she tried unsuccessfully to get him back.

Ww says she wants space, no relationship talk, needs to get head straight. Says she is not seeing Om but spoke to him on phone today.

What about your sons? Are they home with you while she is moved out for two weeks? (Not sure I have that correctly.)

I thought you said she took your boys with her. If so, please get them back...the continuity for them is really important...their own home, and NOT exposed to OM.

Don't do relationship talk...only Steve's question...and you asked that. You understand that contact continues the affair. She can say she isn't seeing OM...be sure to babble back, "Yeah, I get that you didn't continue the affair in person today, honey. I appreciate knowing that."

See if you can find a pro-marriage MC who is pro-MB...in my life, WH agreed to go to the one I found, with both of us having different goals...mine to save the marriage, him to choose the OW or the marriage. Or to just leave the marriage.

First thing the MC told him was to get his head on straight (like your WW), he'd have to end all contact with OW so he COULD get his head on straight...undue influence...and he got WH to move back in the family home within two weeks of our first appointment. He got WH to break it off with OW in a week (which was just drama, btw, because like you, my WS worked with OW).

Still...all of it mattered. Don't buy into the lunacy WW speaks...best defense is to NOT take into yourself...I used listen and repeat...to train myself to hand back his words to him.

And don't believe anything WW says about OMW or OM...because it takes a ton of fantasy to make an affair...making lies into truth...don't go there.

Really tough time for you, Mememe...we've been there. We remember. You're not alone. You can do this.

Did you construct your Plan A on what you think her top ENs are?

How are you doing with eliminating LBs?

LA

So you spoke to the OMW? She told you she threw him out and doesn't want him back? Has he moved out of his house?

Contact=continued affair. How long do you plan to remain in Plan A? Have you separated finances so she can't clean out any accounts?

No the kids are back and so is she, I am in the spare room. Won't asking to separate finances be a LB.

I think I meeting her ENs but it is hard when she won't hardly look at me. I touch her arm to reassure her and nothing. I hve really worked on LBs chores, annoying habits, but everything I do seems to annoy her now.

She HAS to be annoyed with you in order to continue the affair.

Please understand she had to feed her resentment to fuel her entitlement. And she had to do so through huge disrespect.

You didn't make her have an affair. She chose to...please understand this while you're in Plan A. You don't go to the spare room, she does...you understand she might not feel comfortable from her adultery sleeping with her husband...she's welcome to the spare room until the she ends all contact.

See, you exposing didn't do the damage...her affair did the damage. Keep that really traight in your head. You're there to heal your marriage...not HER. You didn't cause her affair, you can't be the control or cure for it.

Again, only she chooses. And withdrawal, after NC is in place, is really rough. So get your lines straight now...because you focus on eliminating the main LBs...and understand that your WW is not in her right mind...you can separate finances (I did) into three accounts...one joint for household. Temporarily.

If her top EN is Conversation, do one and two-sentence sharing statements. Smile. Look HER in the eye when you. Then move on...do drive-bys...use words of Affection (instead of touch), dig up your gratitude for tiny stuff...and emphasize the great times you guys have had with your little guys...for her EN of FC.

No sucking up...Plan A brings reality...she is attacking the marriage, the intact family she created with you...when she goes NC, then you guys can work on a new marriage, together. Until then, any contact (even through third party) continues the affair.

Don't reassure her fantasy stuff, 'k? Use words to convey the physical affection...and get back in your marital bed, 'k?

LA

What the H are YOU doing in the spare bedroom??? Why have you banished yourself from your OWN BED??

Go back to sleeping in your bed.

TBH guys she did offer to go in the spare room, but I quite like it as it has TV, boys toys etc a den for the men really

How do you show physical affection with words without being sleazy. Any tips ladies?

I'll try the drive-by conversations.

Don't worry I am not taking the blame for the affair, it was her choice.
Thanks for your interest and support

Id edit out your real name. It can only come to haunt you later. People have had serious problems with that on this board. Its best used anonymously IMO.

BTW I know how hard it is. Read the False recovery thread . Know what you are doing now and the stance you take counts later. Its on thing to get her to say she is ending the A. Its another for her to do it.

But you never slept in there before, correct? Only since the A? You are sending a negative message if that's the case.

Unless, of course, she's sleeping in there with you.