I don't usually put much emphasis on MLC because it tends to be a distraction when trying to solve a marital problem in the most efficient and effective way possible. For example, if a man has an affair, some might argue that it's due to a mid-life crisis which should be treated first. The therapeutic plan would then dictate that he resolve the issue creating the crisis (he's unhappy about the way his life is turning out) and then address the affair itself. Since those having affairs usually want to delay ending them, they like the idea of extended therapy. But the time it takes to complete therapy for midlife crisis usually results in a wife and children long gone.

Granted, when a man has come to my office deeply depressed, wondering if his life's worth living, even I have used the term, mid-life crisis, to help describe what he's going through. Sometimes, in an effort to rise above his depressive state, he uses alcohol and drugs, and very rarely, infidelity, to treat his depression, which invariably makes him even more depressed.

The problem of mid-life crisis, and the resulting deep depression, is almost always due to a man's career. But if he's using drugs, alcohol, or having an affair as a way to treat his depression, my first order of business is to rid him of these self-destructive measures, and then to treat the mid-life crisis. His short-sighted solutions are far more damaging to him than the problem itself.

Why isn't the issue of mid-life crisis mentioned more in my articles? Because it's a very rare cause of infidelity, but a very common excuse to avoid prompt action to end an affair.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

I am still flabbergasted at the responses. Why were they so threatened by my suggesting something that could actually help save their marriages???

Because the goal is not to save their marriage, but to avoid conflict. Some people like living like that because they are addicted to the sympathy they garner.

When you suggest solutions to such people they get offended. We have some on this website who have been here for years in the same situation. They don't want help and they resent any suggestions. They are perpetual victims.

but luckily, I was able to get her onto this site... I can only imagine what would have happened if she stuck with that site. *shudder*

I feel the same way about " low self esteem" as a "reason" for adultery.

I call bull chit

Fix what, my esteem?

No, the radiator.

I was absolutely stunned by the hateful and angry responses I got back about this. We're talking post after post of people saying how I must be getting $$$ from MB, how could I give people false hope like that?, how cruel it was to suggest that something could work when nothing does, etc. etc.

When my H had his A it sure looked like he was in a MLC

Which came first, contact with OW, or the other behaviors?

You know, that's a good question...they happened fairly simultaneously but in my heart I believe it was C with the OW...

Thats what I thought.

Contact with OW and your husbands initial attraction to her (Even if he did not recognize it) triggered a change in personality.

His "MLC" is a misdiagnosis of the symptoms of his affair.