LG,

I agree with you. Sorry if my choice of words was not the best. He should take his turn with the children and Hope should get a break once in a while, however, if WH refuses, then she should document it. I just would not want the kids to ever think that Hope was trying to get rid of them. That was my point, I guess.

I also agree that denying the children is wrong, but that is what almost every wayward does. That is the saddest part of all of this - the suffering of the children.

Hang in there Hope!

I guess I'm not going to worry about it; I want them with me all the time anyway. I just hate the brokeness....it's sad you know? I will document his lack of interest in children....not even a call since he dropped them off last weekend.

I discovered another one of his lies today. WH had told me that he and OW didn't see each other at school because she was on a different floor. Wrong, teacher from his school told me today that they were on the same floor and their rooms were only seperated by one room. Basically, they are neighbors.

Hope, his life IS a lie. No wonder they pop up like mushrooms. Do not search for lies because they will make you feel bad. He is a liar and a cheater. What do you expect from someone who prefers the company of strangers to the one of his own kids?
See thru him for what he is now: an [censored] and a fool.
That's what your H turned into. And no, he is no longer the guy you married. He is gone. You know they are gone when you look into their eyes and you see that glassy stare. That the sign of the fog. There is nothing in that body and in that brain that resembles your former H.
The A addiction is powerful the proof is that they forget about everything and depending on how heavy the fog is and on their sense of entitlement....it might take quite a while before things change...if ever.
I know how you feel. It is so hard. But it is what it is. God is in charge now.
Blessing

Breathing in and breathing out.

it is hard, but you can do it. You are strong!
My WH is also a teacher...and his first A was with a co-worker.
The pressure is too high and it will not last. You have to be patient. Your WH like mine acts very entitled but this is your WH first A and I believe there is a strong possibility he will change his mind and come back to you. I do not want to give you false hope, but I see a pattern sometimes...
As are so devastating. The dead of my father was not this painful. I am so broken and sad and lonely. We all feel this way Hope. Stay strong
Blessing

Thanks for the encouragement. I don't know about his coming back, but I'm prayerful. He would have to be willing to work on our marriage and no contact with OW. The hardest thing is watching my kids. He seems to think they are doing so well, but they are not. They will make it; I believe that. This just isn't what I wanted for them.

I'm trying to hold my head up. I lost 5 more lbs as of today and that boosts my esteem. I still play movies in my mind with him and OW; I don't know when that will stop; I get the most depressed when I do that.

Hope, congrats on the continuing weight loss.....and as for the movies in your mind, you just gotta practice stopping those movies...literally just stop it and think of something else...it takes practice but youll get the hang of it....

It will automatically get better with time, but it will happen sooner if you practice putting those thoughts on stop and rerouting your thoughts...Hang in there, k?

stillhere????

Have you divorced? I noticed that your H moved out almost 2 years ago. Are you still in plan B? I hope you don't mind me asking. I was just wondering your thoughts and what stage you are in with all this.

Thanks for your encouragement. I will work harder to stop the movies.

No, no divorce yet....really, I truly dont know what stage I am in right now....I guess I am at the "I give up" stage...My Plan B isnt as dark as it should be right now, because I just dont see WH coming back now anyway.

Just know that the pain just naturally gets better with time...but it still hurts, its just not debilitating anymore. I definitly dont have the movies of him with OW anymore, maybe pictures, but not movies.....I dont think the pain ever completely goes away...esp if your plan B is not dark.

Thanks for sharing....I guess it will be a long time for me too. He's the only man I have ever loved and I can't imagine any other kind of life. I just know that I can't make him love me back or to accept our life and children.....it makes me sad.

It is very sad....and you have four children, it also makes me angry that your Wh is doing this to you with four children, I hope he snaps out of it soon.

I know the book how to survive an affair is more for those who recover.....what about those who it seems that recovery is no place in sight. How do I recover from this mess and stop thinking about him?

That is one of the reasons you are in Plan B....To work on yourself, do things that you enjoy and not see or communicate with him, kind of like a NC for the BS.....You are preparing for a life without your WH, whether he comes back or not...This way you will be in a better place either way.

HopeE, I believe what is happening to you is the "benefits" of Plan B. You get to see how life is without your WH and you start to see how it could be okay. I sometimes think that I am not going to want my WH to come home. This is the plan as far as I figure it.

1. Stay out of the drama of affairland.

2. Learn all that I can about relationships through MB.

3. Make my life better through changes that have NOTHING to do with WH.

4. Take EXCELLENT care of my kiddos.

5. Take it one day at a time.

6. Don't give up hope.

That's all I have.

Thanks....I can see the benefits, but everyday away from him is so hurtful. I don't cry as much, but I'm so lonely. I still am struggling with discipline of my children.

Sometimes I feel so strong as if I could go on without him or at least try. Then other times, I'm thinking that I can't make it.

What happens is not sudden, its a very slow process....and its like one day you will notice "wow I went one day without crying" or "I didnt even think about WH yesterday" and then its days when you havent thought about him....and a week without crying.

Right now I rarely cry and the begininng I couldnt go for a half an hour without crying....It gets better with time and the darker your Plan B the better off you are.

To me I'm as dark as you can get. He doesn't try to contact me or the kids!!!! I've been sending all my messages through my brother which basically boils down to every other weekend when he gets them. I believe he's done no matter the affair. I also believe there have been other affairs...just not to the extent of leaving. My own children have been suspicious before me. He actually convinced me that it was normal for him to create this life at the lake and take all this time to "get away". This way he could live his seperate life. He made me feel guilty when I would complain about his increasing absence. This has been going on for years and I've not noticed.

Today has been awful for me. I woke up to a stressed group of children and I basically lost it and started crying uncontrolably. I had to apologize to them for hollering and crying. I just couldn't hold it together for that moment. I don't want to be like that and I've only had a few of these moments so I guess today was the day. I don't know how to fix my discipline, but I'm determined to conquer it. I use the corner alot....they truly hate this....any ideas would be helpful. I can't get them to do anything helpful in the house. I basically do it all so that I don't have to beg and plead.

I also have lost it sometimes, it happens......AD's helped me with that overwhelmed feeling....and I noticed then that helped automatically with my outbursts of crying....it takes a while for them to kick in though...

My DS will be 9 next week....he didnt help too much around the house either....I basically told him that mommy needs more help now because it is just him and I...then he understood and now has a list of chores to do...Just like picking up his dirty clothes and putting away his clean ones helping cook dinner and keeping his playroom clean. Stuff he should have been doing anyway and I give him a small allowance and that seems to have worked well. He actually kind of enjoyed helping me, he said he felt like a big boy....

Secondly, my house is no where near as clean as it used to be....I just dont seem to care about that as much...Not that its filthy, but things that used to bother me like the clean clothes being put away right away..or the toys being picked up immediatly, just dont matter to me as much anymore....My priorities changed. Sometimes there are toys in the parlor for weeks.....I had to accept that my DS needed me to spend time with him and I needed my sanity more than I needed a clean house.

The older kids, IDK.....kids are so hard. My son has been wonderful, but I only have one, so that was easier on my part, plus he is only 8...I mean 14 year olds are tough anyway. I feel for you, Im sorry. Wish I could help you more. Just know that it is normal to feel overwhelmed, I mean your H left you with four kids....Do you get any "me" time for yourself?

I've had a load of help from my parents. I don't know what I would have done without them. I did get away on their last weekend with H. I don't get much me time during the two weeks between each of his visits.

If I feel like this....I wonder how they feel. They have little moments of fear or worry, but I wish I knew more of what they are thinking. My daughter who is capable of doing the most just wants to be gone all the time. I can't figure if it's because of the situation or just to get away from any responsibility. I also don't want to overload them. We usually try to clean up in the morning and then play more in the afternoon.

I don't know how he lives with himself. I really thought I was marrying someone who had heart.....boy was I wrong.

I am sure that your DD just wants to get away from the situation...but I really think that is more her age than anything else...Teenage girls are hard at that age, I am sure it will just be a stage.

I am so glad u have help from your parents, that can be a life saver...You need time for yourself to do things that you enjoy. I mean I know we enjoy our children, but you need a rest from that ocasionally.

I know you dont want to overload your children, but I think it is a good life lesson for them to have some chores, beleive it or not, my DS felt so good when I asked him for more help around the house. I think he felt more in control of the situation that WH put us in, like we were gonna be fine, with or without WH at home.

IDK how WS' live with themselves....I just know that I wouldnt be able to...I think eventually it catches up with them, esp when they showed no signs of being so selfish before....everyone was shocked by what my WH did to me and DS...I dont think we were wrong about our H's, I think that they changed and hopefully they will change back just as surprisingly.

Just hang in there, Hope..you are definitly not alone, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I promise it will get easier.