FWIW, his fave color probably is orange. But just imagine the work he would've had to do to keep the fantasy aspect: I was walking down the hall way at {company} with{friend} after a meeting. I passed by [boss's} office where she was standing with files in her arms. The color blue and black I remember about her, my favorite colors. Okay, so maybe they're not my favorite colors; actually, orange is my favorite color. I've loved that color since I was a boy. Anyhoo...and blah blah blah. The bloom really falls off the rose when you need to insert reality, eh?

Yes, you're starting to see some of the ugly of the A. I got to read a bunch of mash notes from my H to OW. Blech! It made me sick at first. I haven't looked at them in a long time, but they're humorous to think about now. I asked H how he felt about the fact that these were seen by his wife, his employer and OWH. He was mortified. I asked him the obvious question "If you knew these were going to be seen by all of us, would you still have written them?" LOL! Can you say "NO WAY IN HE77"?

Affairland. Fantasy Island.

This means there IS more and like any wayward he knows exactly where every scrap of it is.

Guys, my H who has never written a love letter in his entire life wrote POETRY to his first OW. He wrote icky love sick emails, poetry, song lyrics you name it! He was able to be someone completely different with her. It will forever confuse and baffle me except that SHE was like that and I think he tried be like her.

I don't think it is a plant at all. Waywards get sloppy and emotional when ending their "great love". ick ick ick

NP, I am so impressed with you! You not only did not go off on him but you also gave him a safe place to let out his feelings. You are doing so well. Far better than I could ever do.

It never ceases to amaze me, LOL.

Alright, if Y'all say so.


I guess that means that wayward men have some kind of latent Nora Roberts gene in them.

It's true... they do write some dribble. I remember finding the "lurve letters" to OW and wondering who REALLY wrote them, couldn't be my DH! It hurt BAD at the time but now I know better.

Petals, after my DH had been home for awhile we gathered everything together that had anything to do with OW-- pictures, letters, cards, receipts, etc. We took them outside to our bar-b-que and burned them. My DH prayed out loud for our marriage. I'll never forget one of the things he said, "Lord, may our marriage rise from these ashes stronger than ever before." (or something like that, lol)

It is sickening to read but it IS part of withdrawal. Hang onto it for now and don't let on that you know. It's still early days yet.

I don't think even Nora Roberts writes like that.... I think affairs bring out the "romance" in people. I have never received a love letter from WH like that in my life, and probably never will....

How long after he was home did you do that? I know he knows where it all is, and I'd like it All Gone....

It was probably a couple of months after he initially came back home. It would have been SOONER if we had come clean with each other about all the stuff I was keeping hidden and all the stuff he had "forgotten" about. But remember, we did not follow MB at ALL cause I hadn't found it yet.

Having such a hard day/night after seeing that letter in his email. I feel ill every time I think of it. And it's like a knife wound, seeing that. I know I should be happy that it seems like the NC is real this time, but I'm not happy, just hurt and sad and confused and angry.

I realized today that his A is ALL I think about. I mean, obviously I get through the day and hold conversations and laugh and act like my life is normal, but in the back of my mind is always the nagging thought, "WH slept with someone else....WH is in love with someone else....WH wants to be with someone else...." Each time it crosses my mind (about 60 times a day), it hurts so badly. I feel like throwing up thinking about it.

He's fallen asleep with the dog in the living room right now and all I want to do is go upstairs to cry. I just wish ... I don't even know what I wish, except that I wish my husband loved ME and wanted to be with ME. We were sitting on the couch earlier feeling the baby kick, and it should have been so exciting and happy, like it was last time. But all I could think was, "This isn't real, he wants someone else, he didn't love me when we made this child."

I hope tonight is just a bad night and tomorrow is better.

Now he's snoring - and I want to go kick him awake. Why should he sleep so well still after what he's done to our family????

I sooooooo remember this exact situation/emotion/reaction.

Drove me nutz.

He slept like a dayum baby, and I was up wandering around all night grinding my teeth and biting my nails.

Shoulda bitten HIS nails.He might still have slept like a baby, but that baby would have been wide awake, wired for hypersonic shrieking that goes onandonandon I.N.T.E.R.M.I.N.A.B.L.Y. Threatening bites would have worked well, too.

tl

As Austin Powers might say; "Oh, YEAH! Baby!" try,try,try NOT to read that stuff, It gets planted in your brain and causes weeds to grow.
If you find others like it, get the gist and STOP READING!

Then get some brain weed killer, or just pull the damn roots up and out yourself.

Place it in a file, try your best not to obsess. This is fog speak- and you will harm only yourself to injest it, like a deadly nightshade.

Hoe-mance.

Last night, WH said to me, "I'm actually looking forward to our next appt with SH!" I asked why, and he said, "Because if there's any improvement, I think we'll start to see it now." All I said was, "I see."

But inside my head I was raging, "Improvement?? We're not in recovery yet! You still want OW back! You're still secretly waiting for her with your 'heart and arms' wide open!" Last night was really bad, I could barely be around him. Which was actually made easier by the fact that MIL and BIL are visiting - I was able to inconspicuously occupy myself elsewhere. At one point he was on his computer and he wanted a kiss from me as I was leaving the room - I pretended not to see.

I KNOW I need to stop behaving like I did yesterday to him, because it's LB'ing and not helping. That is what I'll work on today. I can't wait to get to the part of overcoming resentment wtih SH, because I feel like I have so much of it built up.

I don't know you, your thread is long- but I am sorry for your situation.

Keep venting to us, NP. Really let it out - to us.

I don't know what it is causing me to suddenly fall apart like this. I was doing WELL. I was focusing on rebuilding and being supportive and then - yesterday and today, it's all I can do it stop from curling into a little ball.

I wrote this letter to WH: (obviously won't send it):



Dear WH,

I'm not sure how I can ever forgive you for what you've done to me. I look at you and even know I don't know what you're feeling inside, you've become such a master of deception. You act so much like you want our marriage to work, and yet...you write these journal entries saying how it's a LIE that you will not be a backup for OW.

I am so hurt all the time. I feel like crying all the time. Our baby, who should have been so loved and been welcomed into the world with so much joy - I love him and am so glad he's coming, but I feel so ripped off that what I thought he was created in (love) was nothing more than pretense. All the while you planned to leave me. All the while you were sleeping with someone else. All the while you were telling some other woman that you loved HER, and wanted to be with HER. When she was "upset" about me being pregnant...I can barely think of it, but it wasn't guilt, it was because you were sleeping with me. How sickening is that???

HOW CAN I GET OVER THAT??

All the time, it's on my mind. I just want my husband, my husband that loves me and doesn't cheat on me and who puts me above all else in his life. And I don't have that husband. I never had that husband. It was all lies, from before we got married, because you had already been "struck" by her. I don't know what to do, because the one person I should be able to lean on during traumas like these is the one person that CAUSED the trauma.

I feel like this last year was such a lie that the thought of our wedding anniversary makes me physically ILL. It does. I don't want anything to do with it. Our very first wedding anniversary, the very first one of my life,
and what do I have to celebrate? A year of my husband being in love with another woman. Everything is a trigger for me because everything was a lie. YOU are a trigger, because each time I look at you I wonder what is really
going on in your head. I can barely touch you, because I am always thinking of HER touching you. Lying in bed at night with you, all I think of is HER being in bed with you. Each time you reach for me at night, I know you'd
rather be reaching for her.

I just don't know how to forgive you. I don't know how to get over this. I don't know how to stop hurting.

((((((NewPetals))))))

You know why? Because you read that email he sent himself. It's hard to see something like that and not get knocked off-center. But you'll regroup. Just keep venting here.

Odd - I was mentally composing a letter to your WH as well. It went something like this:

Dear NP's fogged-up, crap-spewing alien:
Who are you, and what have you done with NP's husband! How DARE you take control of his body and lead this family into this jungle!? How can you sleep at night, knowing the devastation you are causing NP and the damage you are inflicting upon your sweet family!?
You are one lucky SOB, you know that? After everything you've done, NP still loves you. You still have the luxury of being in your own home. You still have the honor of having NP's presence and devotion. Your POSOW's BS didn't mop up the floor with you!

Many other women would have to accompany you to the ER to have their boot removed from your sorry [censored], after what you've done. And that would be getting off lucky!

That was as far as I got. How's it sound?