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#2384320 06/03/10 08:09 AM
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From the SAA forum, that is.

Here's a link to my thread over there, not that it's too important at this point.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2313483#Post2313483

The short story, D-day was on Jan. 24, 2010. My wife had been spending more and more time away from the house, at the gym, at friends' houses, going out to bars with friends until all hours of the night. That night she came home at 4:00 in the morning and I checked her cell phone. The messages were a kick in the gut. She admitted to it when confronted and said that it had been going on for 6 months. Of course, I got the "I haven't loved you for years" speech.

I found MB in the next week, but could never get her to buy in or even read the books. I was able to get her to go to a MC. I got weak NC promises on several different occasions, but they never stuck.

Nor did she ever give up her mid-life crisis, party girl lifestyle. Never worked on the things the MC said we need to do.

I have been on the edge of pulling the plug for several weeks now, but found the final straw yesterday. She started up a hot and heavy facebook affair with some young predator she met a wedding last weekend, complete with cybersex and nude photos.

I told her we were done at our final MC meeting yesterday. The counselor asked what she felt about this, and she replied very matter-of-factly that she agreed and that this was a huge relief.

Doing this with the MC was very helpful. He counseled us on what the children will be feeling and going through, what to expect from the divorce process, and how to try to separate the business of divorce from the pain and anger we both feel.

He admitted that with the level of betrayal I have experienced, and as withdrawn as she was, that splitting was the right thing to do (and he was VERY pro-marriage).

So, I have a meeting set up with a lawyer on Monday where I will put down a sizeable retainer. The retainer is large because he knows that I will want residential custody of the boys and child support, and that we will likely not settle easily.

Just one more in a string of "worst days of my life" from this damn woman.

Today, I do feel a sense of relief that it will soon be over and am looking forward to starting my new life. It will be a welcome relief to emotionally detach from this alien that has cause me so much hurt over the last year.

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schtoop, I am so sorry that your marriage did not survive. At least you know that you tried and did your best.

My petition has been filed. I waited until I was emotionally divorced before starting the paperwork but it was easier for me because WS and I haven't lived together for 2 years now.

I hope that you will continue to come to MB for any support or advice you may need on your next journey, even if it is just as a lurker, like me.

TM


Me:41
WS:42
Together 22 yrs, No kids
ILYBNILWY: April 09
WS & OW: Oct 08 - present
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...388#Post2282388
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Hi schtoop, I've read much of your original thread. I'm sorry you are here. I think you've made the right decision; your wife seems to be one of those waywards who has slipped beyond redemption.

Right now you're understandably angry. It's a natural part of the grieving process. Your personal healing will begin once you've passed that stage into the acceptance phase.

You have children, so the first focus should be on them, and you have already indicated your desire to do so. Good for you.

You will be fine. Stick around here and let us help you heal as you help others find their way to recovery.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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I am quite satisfied that I did everything I could do to revive this marriage. I KNOW I did my best and that there was nothing I could do in the end to bring it back anyway.

Time for a little venting.

I believe that the MB's program is based on sound concepts and one of the best programs out there, especially when an affair is involved. I find Dr. Harley's books extremely insightful. I believe it can work wonders when both partners are fully invested.

I also know that no program can work when one is not interested in recovery.

**edit**

That being said, I will keep lurking and posting as it is helpful being in a community that is experiencing similar problems to mine where we can share and learn from each others common experiences.

Last edited by MBLBanker; 03/06/12 09:35 PM. Reason: Disrespectul to MB board
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Good job, schtoop.

I haven't made the transition over here yet, but my predicament clearly warrants setting up shop here. It's definitely on my to-do list......

Regardless, the learning process continues.....

TBC

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Thanks for checking in, TBC.

Just for an update, it was Thursday afternoon in our MC session that I let it be known that I knew about her new FB romance and that it was officially over. Her reaction was a stoic "I agree".

I had already set up an appointment with a lawyer for Monday morning, but somehow she beat me to the punch and met with hers Friday afternoon. She must have had something set up already, perhaps on retainer?

Anyway, her lawyer is more of lamb who likes to settle before trial it turns out. Me, I shopped around for recommendations and this one name kept coming up as one of the best in town. If one of us is going to have a bulldog, it might as well be me, right?

My lawyer thinks I have a great case for 50%+ custody and we hope that I get to stay in the house. That's my goal.

I have a feeling my WW is going to sh@t a brick when she learns who I've hired. Up to this point I have been very cordial and cooperative, like I want this to go as easy as possible (which is partly right). At the same time, I have avoided any talk of specifics or tipping my hand.

What's really bizaar is that I would have expected her lawyer to advise her to scale way back on the partying and time away from the kids. However, I intercepted a FB message from her new FB lover/predator where they are making plans to meet, possibly with him driving to our town, in the next month or so.

If she spends another weekend away from the kids and hooking up with strange men, she is basically handing me custody on a silver platter.

The strange journey continues....

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Stay strong and don't lay down. You might THINK you are smoothing the road, however, all you are doing is laying under her wheels so she doesn't feel the bumps as she drives over you.

I laid down and was ran over. I did it to get the 50% custody. I got it, so I won, however, if I was to do it again, I would have simply fought it out in court. I would probably have still gotten custody and would have paid a WHOLE LOT LESS.

Just fight it out... don't bicker about crap, but don't let her pull the inevitable "I'm the mom" kind of crap. It really doesn't matter nearly as much any more.

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Don't worry, I'm not laying down.

I'm ACTING nice and cooperative right now, but am also busy laying all the groundwork for an anticipated slugfest. The more I play dumb and nice, the more I let her carry on as she will, the more element of surprise I'll have when it's time to take the gloves off.

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Update...

She filed first and gave me the petition of dissolution personally Monday night.

I will sign my counter-petition this morning (Friday).

Neither of us will leave the house, so we are going to coexist as room mates until it is settled. Life has been kind of surreal right now, we live in the same house and even talk to each other about day to day matters. The kids are away at camp this week, so its just the two of us and we don't need to put on an act for them.

The night before last we even worked together to assemble all the financial documents the court is asking for. Last night she got crab legs from the grocery store and we shared them for dinner.

We talked about time with the kids, and agreed to kind of split weekends. I will take them to the coast for fishing and boating on father's day weekend and on July 4th weekend. She has an activity planned for them this saturday and there's a cub scout event two weeks from Saturday that she wants them to go to (I plan to tag along as well).

I know this is all a plan to scale back her partying and time away from the kids until things are settled. If she didn't receive this advice from her lawyer than he should be fired.

I'm starting to detach from her emotionally. We can be in the same house, talking normally or watching TV and I'm not pining away for her, nor am I as angry as I once was. She's just there and I don't care, and I hope that is healthy.

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Originally Posted By: schtoop
She's just there and I don't care, and I hope that is healthy.

From what I've read, schtoop, your Love Bank is overdrawn and you have now mentally and emotionally left the relationship. Feeling detached then, is a good thing. Just make sure that it's truly detachment you feel, and not resentment.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Quote:
I'm starting to detach from her emotionally. We can be in the same house, talking normally or watching TV and I'm not pining away for her, nor am I as angry as I once was. She's just there and I don't care, and I hope that is healthy.


Yup, I know that feeling. It's like I've already gone through the pain, now I just want to acknowledge that she's still around but will soon enough be in my rearview mirror. Don't be surprised if the pain and resentment resurface at some point though, that's natural. She essentially walked away from you and your family and that's a hard thing to just overlook.

My only concern with the trying to play "nicey nice" was the message being sent to my kids, and I still wrestle with it. I really really don't want them to look at divorce as a viable option "in case the whole marriage thing doesn't work out." I don't want them to have the same sense of comfort that my wife obviously did with dissolving the marriage without putting any effort into making it better. I certainly never saw it as an option, but here I am. It's like the conversation Scot had with some of her off-base family members "Nobody ever really takes their marriage vows seriously." I wonder now if my wife did. I know I did (even if I was f-d up in the head for doing so at the time, I really thought of it as a commitment; especially when taking the kids into consideration.)

I've resolved to continue to take opportunities when they arise and in age-appropriate ways to let my kids know that this was the best I could do. I regrettably couldn't keep the marriage together and am really trying hard to learn from my mistakes. Ultimately I'll try to teach them the principles of a good marriage through example and essentially how I treat them and how I expect them to treat each other. The D is the ultimate "do as I say, not as I do," but the recovery and the response to a bad situation can, with perseverance on my part be "this is how to overcome adversity and develop strong sense of self, which is where good relationships start."

good luck schtoop, she's leaving a good man.

opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
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Is the fantasy starting to crumble???

Sunday evenings we have always grilled steaks, and enjoyed a bottle or two of wine and conversation with and after dinner. This Sunday was no different.

The conversation drifted to the kids and upcoming summer/school/soccer plans. From there it lead into a little talk of co-parenting after the divorce. She still remembers me clearly say that we wouldn't be friends, and that I wouldn't cooperate with her "fantasy" divorce.

You know the fantasy; where I move out (but not too far away), get one day a week and every other weekend, yet am at her beckon call for after school duties and whatever other free nanny services she wants me to provide. Oh, and pay child support on top of that even though she makes nearly twice my salary. All this with a smile on my face and a facade of "friendship". Never mind that she was the one who stepped outside of our marriage with adultery, spends night after night partying instead of being with the kids, and sleeping the day away when she is here.

Anyway, I assured her that we can co-parent without any open hostilities and will always do what is best for the boys. I pointed how we are doing exactly that under the same roof right now and even getting along OK now that the emotional bond is out of the way.

She then said "see, I'm not such a evil and horrible person." I had to respond to that one, and I simply stated "Yet, you sure acted mean and horrible to me."

Monday morning I gave her copies of my counter-petition to her initial filing as she left for work. The big bomb was asking for majority custody. Last night she was not in a very good mood and retired to the bedroom as soon as the kids went to bed.

This morning we talked a little and told her how I would like to take the kids to the coast for Father's day weekend. She said that was OK, but she's not comfortable with me "whisking the boys away" all the time on the weekends. She asked if I was trying to make her look like a bad mother (like she needs my help there).

I think she might be starting to figure out that I am not going to roll over for her anymore, and she might be starting to worry. I still don't think she will have a clue as to how well prepared I am to fight for the boys. We'll see how it plays out.

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schtoop, I think I would have died after my parents' divorce were it not for the lovely vacations my father took us on. Too bad she's not "comfortable" with that, but thank God it doesn't matter what she's "comfortable" with, as you are their father and have the right to take your boys on a vacation any time you want during the time you have custody of them.

I would be wary of attempts by her to suppress this, and I think I would build up a track record now of being trustworthy as far as taking them and bringing them back according to agreement/decree. Consult with your attorney, of course.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
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If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Wow, schtoop...we have almost identical D-Days however I can't imagine still living under the same roof like you are! Sounds like you are doing things right and you can look back on this knowing you did everything you could to try to fight for your M.

I'm glad you have a good attorney and I'm sure your atty. has told you to document everything...whenever your WW goes out, when she gets home, when she sleeps all day, what you do with the boys, etc.

Interesting that, despite everything she's done, your WW is now concerned with looking like a 'bad mother', isn't it?

markos #2390660 06/15/10 09:28 AM
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Don't worry, I have a track record of weekends with the boys.

My mom lives down at the coast and we visit her house often. There have also been a number of scouting weekend campouts, camping by ourselves, and visits to other relatives that I have taken them on. I counted a dozen such trips in the last year.

Me and the boys getting away every now and then on weekends is nothing new.

She is only objecting now because she's starting to realize how it will reflect on the upcoming custody fight.

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My story is similiar to yours. I tried to save the marriage after infidelity but my ex was not willing to buy into the recovery. I remained in the same house with my ex until we signed the divorce papers. Everyone here told me that it was foolish and destructive. They advised me to go to a dark plan B for my own sanity. It was hard at times but the the time did pass. I'm glad that I stayed in the same house. It made keeping an eye on him much easier. I would advise you to try to agree to as much as possible with you stbxw. It has been my experience that the lawyers (even bulldogs - I had one) don't really care about your well-being. It is a job to them. The longer they drag it out, the more money they make. Try to work with your ex as much as possible. It will save you time, grief, and money. It will also result in a better settlement agreement if she is reasonable. The courts will not award either party a much better arrangement- and it could end up being much worse. Many cases that end up in court have surprisingly unfair outcomes. The courts will do what is best for the children - which they usually think involves both parents fairly equally.

I was able to negotiate with my ex-husband and we decided how to split everything. I didn't ask for the moon and he was fair. He wanted to be single and free. It made for a lightning-fast divorce. It was also a very fair settlement. This was my second divorce. There were no children involved in this marriage.

My first marriage involved two small children and no infidelity. I negotiated my first divorce also with similiar results. My only concern during my first divorce was my children. I got joint-custody. My ex was a good father and my children needed his influence. We raised the children together. My children are now 19 and 21 and have a good relationship with both parents.

Good luck. This time will not last forever. Things do get better.

Last edited by stillstanding2; 06/15/10 10:22 AM.

Over it.
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That is all good advice stillstanding2!

I would love to come to an agreement, but it needs to be fair. And, the only way I can ensure it is fair is to come from a position of power.

Right now I am being very cooperative and we are working together to get all the financial information put together. I am not going to fight or disagree until there is something to disagree about.

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Originally Posted By: schtoop
That is all good advice stillstanding2!

I would love to come to an agreement, but it needs to be fair. And, the only way I can ensure it is fair is to come from a position of power.

Right now I am being very cooperative and we are working together to get all the financial information put together. I am not going to fight or disagree until there is something to disagree about.




Good! It sounded like you were putting everything in your "bulldog" attorney's hands. That would be an expensive mistake IMHO. Knowledge is power. Know your state's laws. Ask your divorced friends about the judges. Know what is likely to happen in your state with regard to custody. In some states, infidelity matters not at all. In other states, it still matters. Know what kind of state you live in. Find out what the courts care about. Find out what your wife wants most out of the divorce. What do you want most from the divorce? The more you know, the better you can negotiate your future. Don't haggle over the unimportant stuff just to piss each other off (it doesn't sound like you are doing that but it is common). Give a little to get a little.

Again, good luck! Divorce sucks!


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Weekly update.....

I took the boys and my boat and spent Father's day weekend at our little place on the coast. My good friend and neighbor was also down there with other friends and his kids (who are best friends with my boy). We spent two days fishing, hanging out at the beach, swimming at the pool, cooking seafood and hanging out. Really a nice time!

Sunday morning I asked my oldest if he knew what day it was. After few minutes he remembered it was father's day and gave me an awkward little hug in his own unique way (he thinks he's too old for hugs and kisses, especially with a "man"). Made me melt inside. The boys said they didn't have anything to give me, and I told them that just spending the weekend with me like this was the best gift I could have.

WW stayed at the house all weekend with big party plans. I managed to check her text messages this morning while she was in the shower and she spent all night Saturday screwing yet another man that a friend set her up with.

She can do what she wants now that we are officially splitting, but she's making my bid for majority custody look more and more like the right thing to do.

Also saw one text message about looking at a couple of houses. Is she seeing the writing on the wall that she will have to be the one to move out? I hope so.

About to go meet with my lawyer to file my financial affidavit. Mediation is going to be scheduled August 2nd or 3rd.

Oh, Friday was my anniversary and tomorrow is my birthday.

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I have mixed emotions responding to your post, Schtoop. I am delighted you got to spend Father's Day with your kids. My daughter took me out for dinner and we had a great time.

She gave me a card. The cover had two images on it: "Before kids," showing a dapper, handsome young man. "After kids," with a balding, grizzled older dude. Open the card and it says, "I was worth it, wasn't I, Dad? Dad?"

"You were absolutely worth it," I told her. I gave her a hug and a kiss when I dropped her off at her home.

On the other hand, the hair on the back of my neck stood on end when I read "she spent all night Saturday screwing yet another man that a friend set her up with."

Who has friends like that? What sort of devilish people do this stuff? How do they live with themselves (no need to answer, I know these are rhetorical questions)?

Today is/was my anniversary. I "celebrated" by taking the last vestiges of our marriage -- the wedding album -- to the curb. In the trash bin.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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