Plan B needs to be very dark. No contact whatsoever.

Your Plan B isn't working because you're not in Plan B. You are undermining yourself,here,FB.

LUCKILY my children are at my parents for the week. I am so thankful for that. Great timing.

I've told him and told him that he needs to find somewhere to sleep -- a motel, a friend's, a relatives -- but NO. The tent is where he went. It's crazy.

To all of the people who pushed me to expose -- THANK YOU ! It's been very pivotal since the exposure.

He sounds like a kid who knows he's done something wrong and is punishing himself so his parents will say "He's punished himself enough, blah blah blah." Don't let him do this. I think he's trying to manipulate you. That will give him an upper hand that he doesn't deserve.

Have any of you gone through this?

First of all, VERY WEAK Plan B, I know (sorry). We are having very little contact (he's still in the tent and refuses to go anywhere else), and I find myself missing him. Wanting to tell him just the little everyday things. All day today at work I was thinking that I wanted him back at home and I wanted to slowly start working on things ...

Then he asks if he can come in the house to change clothes after work. I said that was ok. We started talking and all of this anger just started to come back. The hows, the whys,...the "I can't believe you could only care about yourself for these past 14 months"... etc.

I am soooo confused. When I am not with him, I miss him. When I am with him, I am so hurt and angry I don't even want to be near him.

So is this another one of those phases that you go through, or am I just really messed up?

False recovery question ... Dday#2 seems to have MUCH more of an impact on me. After Dday #1, I told WH if there was ONE more lie, that was it ... not only was there one more lie, but two months worth of lies and deception. That in itself makes me feel like he chose her over our family. I told him we'd leave for good and he took that chance. It almost seems like I've forgotten about the year A he had and I can only concentrate on DDay #2 and the A from these past 2 months.

Is it just more recent or why does it seem to hurt so much more?

I was SAD with DDay#1 ... DDay#2 has me FURIOUS !!!

If you are in plan B, knowing FULL well the ONLY reason why to be in a plan B to have NC with WH, and to help fix yourself through all this mess he brought to you, then you need to do the following.

Pack up his STUFF, clothes, shower stuff, etc that you know he will need, pack like your going on a 2 week vacation.

Then change the locks so he can't go inside the house, this is total separation, I don't think he should come in shower, get ready, and see all of the things that will remind him of you. He HAS to find somewhere else to stay other then your backyard!

If he wants to spend time with the kids then have your IM help him with that, otherwise you are supposed to be in plan B.

I dont know, that is my few, someone else might say something different. /shrug

This is why Plan B ducks need to be in a row before you go to Plan B. You think of every which way he will try to contact you and you put the blockades and barriers in place. Mulan said something great here one time, she said Plan B = Plan Boundary. You are allowing him to walk all over your boundaries. THis is not PLan B. You are in Plan C, Plan Confusion. hence....

FH, you are at a crossroads, do you want to be in Plan A, Plan B or Plan C? You need to decide.

When you are in Plan B, OW is forced to meet all your WH's needs...many times hastening the end of the A. You are actually enabling and supporting the A by still having some contact with your H and meeting some of his needs. The result? He will also continue to be confused...and unable to end the A.

Do you want posters to help you with a REAL Plan B? Please let us know.

That's what I was saying, is she in plan b? Cause it doesn't look like it, I would have packed up his stuff and changed the locks.

I don't understand him being in the backyard is a good plan B, sorry FH! You really have to decide what plan you are in, cause right now you don't have one.

Plan B is for personal recovery. You're supposed to be pitch black in Plan B, not even seeing him - how does that work if he's in the backyard, and if he's coming in to changed, etc??

Tell him to go. He can bear the consequences of his actions and figure out a place to stay. As long as he is around, and can see you and the kids, and come in whenever he wants, there will be NO recovery for you and certainly none for your marriage. He's in the proverbial dog house, and he expects this is a tantrum you will get over.

If you want to Plan B, he has to be GONE.

So, why does #2 seem to be killing me even more?

I am 99.9% positive it's over -- Wh ended it 2 days ago. He is answering my questions about the A, he is showing remorse (he's VERY sad),gave her voicemail to me to listen to instead of answering her call, wrote me a long letter of apology, agreed to MC, he is agreeing to my list of requirements to come back into the home ... ALL of these things he did NOT do after the first time he supposedly broke it off with OW.

Also, after the plan B, if WH comes back, what is next? Is there a plan? or do you just do MC, EN questionnaire stuff, and try to rebuild?

What about the postnup you mentioned and also how about having him call Steve Harley?

Personally, if I were you, I would not take him back w/o at least one of the two above.

I wouldn't (and didn't, actually) take him back without BOTH of these. You've been through 2 FRs and effed up your Plan B. If you want another FR, keep on the path you are on.

If you are ready to set some boundaries that he MUST AGREE TO in order to move back "in" (I would say "home" but he is already home) and begin the d*mn hard work of recovery, let us know.

I can think of a boatload of criteria that should be non-negotiable right off the top of my head but I'm not sure you are serious about this.

Sorry to sound harsh but I want you to succeed and you won't unless you shore up big time on your boundaries and are non-negotiable on recovery criteria.

ITA with everyone is telling you. Did you get the books? How about some counselling from the Harleys?

You don't seem prepared to take this seriuosly if you let him come in and out of the house like hes your kid.

He might seem remorseful and think you would want him back, but you really need to see the reality in this.

If you take him back THIS SOON, then who says he wont do it again??

It's like he's getting exactly what he wants

I'm sorry FH you really need to be strong in this Plan B

It sounds like your not taking our advise and your just kinda going with the flow, which is plan doormat.

Thats all I have to say, because it sounds like you already made your choice when you spoke to him.

Good LUCK!!

I believe in forgiveness too and restoration. but NOT before FULL acoutability.

He doesn't even know yet what to be accountable for.

You probably are only dealing with the feelings you feel right now, not the ones that might come up later.

You both need to be educated in how to overcome this, and you can do both, if you are willing to learn and work.

There are good reasons why we stress the plans be worked out like we do.


Did you get the books?. Will your H write, write a NC letter?. WRITE and you approve it and in it it says you did.

Then follow a laid out plan of reconciliation.

Here is my list of requirements that I gave to him ...

Requirements for coming back home and trying to repair what has been DESTROYED �.

100% NO CONTACT with her whatsoever � ZERO � for ANY reason ... FOREVER
STOP the lies and secrets immediately
Truthful answers to questions
Remorse
100% Transparency - No hiding/sneaking.
I will know of your whereabouts 100% of the time.
Apology for the affair and hurtful actions before and after
I have full access to your phone. NO deleting voicemail or text. I listen and see all.
Own your choices and the consequences they caused
Confession and apology to families and children
Confession to close friends
Accountability FOREVER
Time spent on hobbies equals time spent as a family per week
Date night 1-2 times / month
TV and phone turned off during family time -- phone emergencies only
Counseling for self and marriage
Talk time for us - no distractions
Fill out emotional needs questionnaire and discuss together
No walking out when �the going gets tough�
ONE lie -- about ANYTHING -- and our bags are packed

When I showed this list to H, he said the hardest one was going to be the confession/apology to family and kids. That's not stuff to work on our marriage, he has to agree to all prior to us even trying to work on it.

He thinks I asked him to get out so I could have my space. I wanted him out so HE could get his head out of his a$$ and realize what he needs is right here at home. he doesn't get that.

I am going out of town to pick up my kids and do my final exposure -- to my parents. H is distraught over my telling them -- too bad. He should have thought of that 14 months ago. I am staying away for a few days maybe to clear my head, maybe to clear his.

Honestly, I think we both need MC/IC. I'm too kind hearted and I end up paying for it every time.

What will writing the NC letter do over his call to OW that broke it off and told her no contact? I really don't want him sitting around trying to write this letter and thinking of all the gross nasty times they shared together.

Dr. Harley says that recovery of a marriage is quite possible but there is a very narrow path that must be followed. You cannot pick and choose parts of the plan and hope for it to be successful. A NC letter is an absolute must and part of the narrow path. It doesn't matter if he already told her verbally. He needs to write one that you approve and mail yourself. There are plenty of examples of NC letter on this site. Alot of people copy and use the one from SAA which I think is a good idea.

FH10 you really need to get a plan together and follow it or you are heading for disaster. I think it would be best for you to schedule a call with the Harley's asap. They will help you define that plan and help to keep you on that narrow path.

One last thing... No more empty threats!!! You need to set boundaries, consequences and FOLLOW THROUGH!! One thing on your list was that if WH lies one more time his bags are packed and he is gone. Well, if you put that in writing you better be prepared to follow through with it. You alreadly told him that once before and now you are back-sliding. You cannot continue to do that.

You can do this but you need a plan and it's alot of hard work for both you and WH.

the nc letter is just something you can be sure is the communication is clear for all of you,

You might need that definition and reflecting on it in the future

If your going out of town make SURE, that your WH wont be contacting the OW during your time away! Can he come with you? or you need to let him know he will need to take a pix where he is right then and there!! So you know where he is and who's he's with.

I'm just a little fishy, what he'll do while your gone, maybe you can ask one of his closest friends to hang with him while your gone.