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I do not believe in MLC, I think it's a cop-out.
I believe weak boundaries with a toxic person and an eventual affair are what happened to your FWH. Not some "Mysterious" temporary change of cognitive reasoning brought on by a certain age.
But hey, that's just my opinion.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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I do not believe in MLC, I think it's a cop-out.
I believe weak boundaries with a toxic person and an eventual affair are what happened to your FWH. Not some "Mysterious" temporary change of cognitive reasoning brought on by a certain age.
But hey, that's just my opinion. I don't believe there was anything mysterious about it. It doesn't really matter anyhow, if it was a MLC or "just" an A with a toxic person (they were both toxic if you wanna know the truth). My point is that MLC or not, MB works.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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My point is that MB works. Fixed that for ya!  And I agree   
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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My H definitely was going through something BEFORE the A started. I would call it depression. People at his work and people w/n our family were calling it "MLC".
It was triggered in Feb of '07 his childhood BF committed suicide (his EA started in Sep of '07). He became depressed and started playing a WOW type game that he became addicted to. He also suddenly announced a complete career change that summer that shocked everyone who knew him.
BUT I still think the A would have happened eventually regardless of the above because looking back before the "MLC" he had weak boundaries.
And I completely agree wtih MF ~ even if there is a true "MLC" or other underlying stuff going on with the WS, the MB plans still work.
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In Dr H's reply to me, he states;
"I don't usually put much emphasis on MLC because it tends to be a distraction when trying to solve a marital problem in the most efficient and effective way possible. For example, if a man has an affair, some might argue that it's due to a mid-life crisis which should be treated first. The therapeutic plan would then dictate that he resolve the issue creating the crisis (he's unhappy about the way his life is turning out) and then address the affair itself. Since those having affairs usually want to delay ending them, they like the idea of extended therapy. But the time it takes to complete therapy for midlife crisis usually results in a wife and children long gone."
Noteworthy; Dr. H does not say that MLC's do not exist, he states that they usually distract from solving a marital problem in the most effiecent and effective way possible.
He also states that MLC's take a long time to resolve;
"But the time it takes to complete therapy for midlife crisis usually results in a wife and children long gone."
So I would not diminish a persons belief in MLC traits, or phennomenon, I just think it is important to note Dr. H's opinion of treating it first as opposed to the MB way.
I understand this, I used to believe that a MLC was "running the show". Now I understand it's place in MB philosophy. Makes it way easier to deal with.
Last edited by barbiecat; 06/09/10 12:00 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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I think my wife is in a MLC. More specifically, something called comparative death timing. Her apparent MLC began as she approached the age her mother died. My take is that she only projected her life to this age because she didn't see her mother progress past it. As she neared this age, she began to re-evaluate where her life had taken her and lament about missed opportunities. She got a tat, started listening to really bad music that nobody has heard of and lots of IB all the while developing an EA. Now she has found her 'soulmate' in OM and is leaving. I fear an affairage is on the horizon. I think the MLC causes its own fog that is similar to the wayward fog and just as thick. The combination has been awful.
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So I would not diminish a persons belief in MLC traits, or phennomenon, I just think it is important to note Dr. H's opinion of treating it first as opposed to the MB way.
. Well, I do diminish it, because it is very overused and RARELY the cause of affairs. It is a catchall phrase that is mindlessly applied to most affairs of all ages, between 30 and 50. It is in the same category as other mindless labels like "co-dependency", "low self esteem...." blah, blah, blah... MLC is an excuse and a diversion, just as Dr Harley has said: Why isn't the issue of mid-life crisis mentioned more in my articles? Because it's a very rare cause of infidelity, but a very common excuse to avoid prompt action to end an affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't think it was a CAUSE at all, I would never say that.
However it sure was a coincidence.
Last edited by MarriedForever; 06/09/10 06:45 PM. Reason: technical difficulties
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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I don't think it was a CAUSE at all, I would never say that.
However it sure was a coincidence. I agree with this. "MLC" is not a cause of an affair and that is the point. Sure, some folks might be depressed over their career or whatever, but that is just a distraction when there is an affair. What bothers me about the term is that it is meaningless and confusing. It is sort of like the term "moderate." [in a political context] It means different things to different people. It makes more sense to just say what the problem is. For example, "I am unhappy in my career." That makes much more sense. When someone says they have a "MLC" I am always scratching my head because it never explains the basic problem. I just have an aversion to doublespeak so it gets my back up when people use convoluted verbiage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I totally agree, Mel...that is why I never bring it up unless someone else does; to me it doesn't really matter WHY he had an A. Who cares WHY? The bottom line is he DID.
I have my theories on why this all happened when it did but really, who cares? Theories and reasons excuse NOTHING, IMHO.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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I don't suppose you could name the site could you?
I would love to browse it. It's The Midlife Club Forum. I think you have to register to browse.
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divorcebusting (gee, how orig!) has a MLC section, too. Sounds exactly the same. Hope that is OK
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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It's The Midlife Club Forum. I think you have to register to browse. Oh I hate that!!! I don't register on forums I cant browse first. So is it just a bunch of folks going "Wow is me, WS is having an affair and all I can do is try and ignore it" 
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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" wow is me"
.... And maybe " woe is me" too?
Honestly, this is such a GREAT typo, please leave it be.
Or, leaf if be?
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I totally agree, Mel...that is why I never bring it up unless someone else does; to me it doesn't really matter WHY he had an A. Who cares WHY? The bottom line is he DID.
I have my theories on why this all happened when it did but really, who cares? Theories and reasons excuse NOTHING, IMHO. There is a time and place for the WHY. And that is NOT during the adultery. It is after it has stopped. When there is a fire, the fire department does not investigate how it started until the fire is extinguished. If your spouse is adulterous, put out the fire of adultery first. Then do forensics. Then consider preventative measures.
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" wow is me"
.... And maybe " woe is me" too?
Honestly, this is such a GREAT typo, please leave it be.
Or, leaf if be? It's not a typo, I just cant spell. 
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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" wow is me"
.... And maybe " woe is me" too?
Honestly, this is such a GREAT typo, please leave it be.
Or, leaf if be? It's not a typo, I just cant spell. I just assumed somebody thought a lot of themselves. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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When all of this started I was posting on the divorcebusting site which advocates the same "head in sand theory".
I participated in telephone sessions with one of their MC and she said to just be kind to XH and agree with everything he says. She even said to "offer to help him move". She said the A will die a natural death and then because we would be on good terms that he would gravitate back to me.
I wasted valuable time and money not finding this site first. It took me 6 months after the A and 3 months after XH moved out to find this site. It is a regret.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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![[Linked Image from pic4ever.com]](http://www.pic4ever.com/images/25r30wi.gif) "wow is me"...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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" wow is me"
.... And maybe " woe is me" too?
Honestly, this is such a GREAT typo, please leave it be.
Or, leaf if be? It's not a typo, I just cant spell. You could have gone with "Whoa is Nelly".
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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