First time here.

My husband of almost 6 years asked me for a separation 46 days ago. He told me that he has been unhappy the last couple of years because he now feels resentment towards me for putting him through a lot. My husband cheated on me when we were bf/gf. Since he was away in the military we never got to deal with our situation. I broke up with him soon after that. Months later we reconcile while he was in japan, since he was there for a whole year, I guess we fell more in love. We got married a week after he came back. It wasn't until we got married that I discovered pictures of the other girls he was talking with that all my repressed feelings surfaced. I started to resent him, punish him for making me feeling second choice, I threaten to leave him many times, I was jealous and controlling, I basically treated him like a child.

I didn't change until he threaten to walk out on me that I knew I had to change otherwise I was going to lose him forever. Since then I was trying to be a changed person, but I guess it was too late.

When he asked me for a separation he said that he should have left me years ago. He said he began to resent me for treating him badly. He only suggested marriage counseling and like a fool I refused. Now that I suggested he refuses. He says it is too late. That he gave up on us a long time ago. He now says that he feels happy and at peace for leaving me. He doesn't want to work things out at all. The thing is that when he was telling me all of this and the times we talked, he cried, he was sobbing. And I asked him why does he cry, and he says because he is very hurt, he says I broke him.

He doesn't attempt to call me, and I fear that he might be having an affair.

When he left me, I thought I was going to die. But I prayed to God each night to give me strength and give me peace and now I feel so much better. However, I still want to work things out with my husband. I don't want to lose him. But I don't know how to talk to him about reconciling, to ask him for another chance. I know I am suppose to give him space but how much space is needed?

I have read, Hope for the Separated and I am almost done with Love must be Tough.

Any insight is helpful. Any point of view is welcome!

I am sorry about your situation...IMHO; the affair that he had started all of this; his guilt was never dealt with...
your anger and "retaliation" and hurt are natural and normal and he should have tried to "make it up to you" then...If you love him; you need to respect him and "leave him alone" for a while. Get yourself some counseling and see if you are ready to talk to him WHEN he is ready. He says that he doesn't want to work on it; has he really apologized and proved his faithfulness to you??? If not, THIS is what he needs to work on; trying to talk with him before he comes to this point might be fruitless and not lead to any reconciliaton.He needs to hear that you have forgiven him for the affair(s) and you must be sincere and very honest about it. If he doesn't receive your forgiveness, he has to "live with his guilt"; thatis so hard to do...he has no closure on this either. Praying fo you...

















Praying that you will be honest with yourself and husband and both feel safe with each other to have some sort of meeting to "clear the air"...peace to you.

Thank you for your prayers it will be needed. In the 5 years that we were married I dont think he has fully apologized for the damage he has done. But he did show me he was sorry, I guess that was his apology. After he left I felt so guilty that the reason why our marriage failed was because of me. When he asked me for the separation he pretty much blamed me, and not once did he take any fault. At that time I thought that it was all me. But now I know that it takes two.

I haven't spoken to him at all in weeks, all I do is pray for him and me so that he can give me strength and wisdom. Please continue praying for us because I have a feeling this is going to be a hard battle =(

I'm sorry you find yourself here, going through this. It would be great if you could get your husband to this site. Until/unless he realizes just how damaging the cheating was, he can't begin to comprehend your responses to it. He needs to understand that neither of you have acted in ways conducive to a good marital beginning and that you can both learn new ways so you can be a team, supporting and encouraging each other. Once the hostility and resentment is removed, it releases you both to enjoy each other fully. My recommendation would be that you get IC to help you develop to all you can be, with or without him. Once he sees you getting counseling and working on yourself, maybe it'll make him take a second look at it. I'm sorry you aren't having any contact with each other, do you talk on the phone or through email, texting? Have you read up on Plan A? You are bound to run into each other sooner or later, and if you're prepared with your Plan A, it can help matters greatly.

More than happy to pray for both of you. Hang in there and know that it does get better. Big hugs to you.

Thanks for your support. I dont know what IC is, but I am guessing therapy. I have been to one session to school and only because it was free. But I will return. I am trying to gain as much strength as I can to ask him for a reconciliation but I know he will turn me down. He doesn't try to get in touch with me at all. No phone calls, texting, emailing, smoke signals, nothing =(

I do dream of him every night. Sometimes is good, but other times is just like real life, where he ignores me. I will look into plan A, thanks for your advice.

With God's help I am finding peace.

I have a couple of questions. How old are you and your husband? Do you have children? Are you both in the military (still?)? Your husband cheated on you before and during the marriage (and lied about it)? And, to add insult to injury, he has convinced you that this is all your fault? Really?

We are 26, no kids, got married when we were 20, and he is inactive, he cheated before the marriage, and he didn't say it was all my fault but made it seem that way.

However after much prayer, I would like to add that I am beginning to see changes in his heart. No he still hasn't chnaged his mind about our separation but he is softening up, well his heart is. I will continue to pray for the restoration of my marriage.

If you click on the "Notify" button at the bottom right of the screen, and ask the mods to move you to the Surviving An Affair section, you will get much more help from the veteran's that have recovered their marriages. Most of us in this section may not have the expertise that you need to recover your marriage. Good luck.

thanks!