Ok so today was H3ll at work. I have been so caught up in dealing with the aftermath of the A, that I have gotten behind at my job. I had two deadlines due today so I have been extra stressed due to that.

Well somehow I managed to get everything done today that I needed to. However the surprising thing happened when I got home. I had just pulled out my laptop and began to sit down on the couch, when I noticed ROSES tucked behind a throw pillow on my spot on the couch. ROSES!

I broke down and started crying! I gave WH a huge hug to thank him for the flowers. That was a good deposit for me

That is so sweet, Eluna!! I have been reading your thread because it seems a bit like my sitch. Good luck to you, and please keep posting. Your story has helped me immensely!!!

Well work seems to be getting a little better, so at least some of the stress is off in that corner.

Tomorrow is our (WS and I) fifth wedding anniversry. I am not really in a celebrating mood obviously, but I am planning to try to enjoy the evening with WS.

I mean he could have walked away in March, but he did choose to stay. He did choose us over POSOW, so that is saying something right? I just wish I had opened my eyes sooner. Maybe then he would not have cheated.......

Well today is my wedding anniversary. I find myself thinking about WH's A this morning. I guess this is normal, just wish I could have found a card that said something to the effect of "things are tough right now, hope they get better"
This should have been an extra special anniversary: 5 years. Now I just can't feel it.

I had one of our mutual friends send us a congrats on five years marriage. He said we "look so happy together". I wanted to vomit!!

I use to know what happy was, now all I feel is pain and anger. I keep trying to put on a smile, but I feel like this nightmare will never get better.

On my way into work this morning, I found myself thinking about the A and him being with her. These are imaginings I don't want, but yet they are there.

Someone please! Any words to help me get through today? I could really use some advice. I did not expect today to be as rough as it is turning out to be.

well we went to lunch and exchanged cards. I really wanted to enjoy the time, but I just did not.

Please anyone! I feel so alone in this. How have you dealt with your wedding anniversary after D-Day?

Please help.

I don't know how to deal with your wedding anniversary after DDay. I can tell you that I am sure that it is HARD AS HECK. Have you read Mark's thread on managing memories?

It is a day you can't ignore, but at the same time, you must not feel like celebrating. When you celebrate your 10th anniversary, you can erase the horrible feelings from this one. I am so sorry.

Sorry Scotty I have not seen that thread yet. Can you link it for me?

Sure, just a sec. It's in his siggy line. I will just find a post by him.

Here ya go

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2267144&page=1

So I have been lost and confused this weekend. I know that most people feel like they want to know why the A happened. I have not really been plagued with that question. I don't know if it is because I feel like I already have that answer or if I just don't view it as ultra important at this time.

The question that is plaguing me is why he chose to fix his marriage instead of doing what so many others have done and followed the fog. I know to those of you who are struggling to bring back your WS, I probably seem ungrateful that I have not had to go through what you are. But at times I wonder if the struggle to recover your M from the grasp of these aliens somehow makes dealing with the questions brought up in Recovery a bit easier.

The night before I found out about the A, WH and I had a long talk about how he was so depressed. I had initiated that convo because I knew our M was not where I wanted it to be, so I had wanted to start working on fixing what was broken. At the time I did not know about the A, but I did feel that he was a little too friendly with POSOW. For some reason that night, I felt the extreme urge to pack a bag and leave for a few days. After struggling with that feeling for over an hour, I went a head and gave into it. I went upstairs and began packing a bag for myself and DS. I was upset about WS sharing personal problems with POSOW, but did not guess it had progressed into the PA, so I had no reason to leave other than this extreme feeling.

According to WH, him seeing that bag packed was the catalyst to wanting to get away from the A and repair our M. When I asked him why he chose me (I finally gave in and asked, I have been struggling with this question for several weeks) he told me that I did not realize how big of an impact seeing that packed bag was on him. That he would rather deal with a thousand kidney stones than ever go through the feeling he had in that moment.

I do believe that the packed bag had a lot to do with him making the decision to end things before I found out. And I am grateful everyday for the urge that made me pack that bag that night. However, this does not give me anything to hold onto in the darkness.

I guess maybe I just wish he would pop up and say that he realized he was messing up our M and that he realized he was in love with me and that is why he stopped things. I don't know. I feel like I can't move forward. I just wish I knew what was blocking my way.

Did you ask him?

Thats what Radical honesty is all about. you NEED to know this to recover. If you dont find out it will hinder it. I hope you find the answer you need.

I am one of those people what would love for my WH to come home. I DO NOT fault you for your feelings though, WHATSOEVER. You are going to have a differing set of feelings than me at different times. There are people who have a GREAT Plan A and their WS "wakes up." I know what you mean though about you want to know that it is about YOU. At first, the reason he came back, isn't so important, to your marital recovery(to you it is VERY important). It is giving you a way to recover. It was the door that opened up and you walked through it. I believe that after you recover, your WH will tell you that he loves you and only you and THAT was the REAL reason he came home.

I realized last night that I am not even sure what my biggest 2 ENs are. So how can WS fill them if I can not determine what they are.

I took the questionnaire, but the more I think about how I react to somethings, the more my top five are questionable to me. So maybe now I need to re-take the EN questionnaire.

Am I the only one that has had trouble clearly identifying their ENs?

Ok so we are pretty sure that my # 1 EN is admiration. And of course this is the one EN that WH has trouble with, he does not give compliments well

So I tried to explain to him the frustration I am feeling. I asked him how he would feel if I could meet his #2 and #3 ENs but failed miserably trying to meet his #1 EN. I explained that a big part of it atm is that my self-esteem took a big hit with the A, and that I felt part of his job in repairing the M was to fix that.

He tried to talk to me a little bit about it. He told me about the conversation he had with DS yesterday. He had asked DS if he was excited to go home and see mommy. When DS said yes, WH told me that he agreed with DS. He was excited to go home and see me.

After about an hour of talking, we had some fun and SF, and finally went to sleep sated.

After thinking about the trouble WH is having meeting my need for admiration, I decided to purchase 5 steps to romantic love. We met at lunch today and bought the book. I currently have it sitting beside me at my desk, and I am looking forward to reviewing it with WH this evening.

Eluna, my #1 EN after the A was Admiration and Affection, for sure. I felt so incredibly insecure and unsure and confused. My self esteem was in the [censored]*r, so to speak. That makes total sense.

Can you identify WHAT admiration you need? Like, a pat on the back and a peck on the cheek or a high five for doing the dishes, or for your H to tell you every day how awesome you are, or ... ? That was really hard for me to identify.

Gdar,

I have actually been working on that over the past week. I have looked at every time my heart does a happy flip (you know that feeling) because of something he has said or done. Most of the time it is the tender endearments and loving compliments. Occasionally it has been other things like how strong he thinks I am now since he is watching me survive the damage of his A.

I am making sure to point out to him each time he makes me smile or feel like that.

Admiration is simple since it comes from the heart, but for someone who has never been good with expressing their feelings, I guess it can be very frustrating indeed.

Well nothing really new to report today. WH and I did get to spend about an hour having a great time together laughing (we were watching wipeout together.)

Today he has sent me a couple of compliments over google talk, so I know he is trying.

A few weeks ago when I went back to Dr for a follow up, she upped my dose of ADs. I need to get those filled as I am now feeling like it is time to up it myself.

Friday we are planning to take DS to the beach. I hope it will be a lovely day.

So last night really suxed.

Everything was going really well, WH was on the floor playing with DS and his cars. I was tending our farm in farmville on FB. All of a sudden I see a msg come through on our joint FB from one of my WH's old classmates. She had located another classmate that WH had been looking for.

Ok all in all, there was nothing there to get upset about. Then I went back and looked at the msg again; it was also sent to POSOW.

Grrrrr. I was happy that my WH had been able to make contact with this classmate, as she is someone he has worried about for several years. And I am not worried about her as a threat, since she would be more into me than my husband.

It was the possibility that POSOW could use this new found friend as a way back into WH's life. I sat there sobbing when I saw that potential.

After I calmed down we went upstairs and put DS to bed. Then we came back down and I fell asleep on WH while watching TV. When I woke up, WH sent new friend an email (in front of me) telling her that we would love to get together with her, but it could not be a group thing. He told her in no uncertain terms that POSOW was not allowed in his life and he did not want to talk about the circumstances that have caused that.

Him not wanting to talk about it to an old classmate, I understand to a point. He has put the boundary in place, I just hope POSOW does not try to wiggle her way past it like the leech she is.

I think he handled this well.


Im sorry it hurt you. Its good he is respecting the boundaries though. Just be sure to keep that gap in the fence for the OW closed.