In my opinion if you do number 6, hope, you are unable to do 1-5. When you give up hope you can do all the steps except 6 of course.. Hope keeps you stuck. I am talking from personal experience.
blessing

[quote]I believe he's done no matter the affair. I also believe there have been other affairs...just not to the extent of leaving. My own children have been suspicious before me. He actually convinced me that it was normal for him to create this life at the lake and take all this time to "get away". This way he could live his seperate life. He made me feel guilty when I would complain about his increasing absence. This has been going on for years and I've not noticed.[/quote

You really summarized it for me. Just like my H. For him too, it has beeen going on for years, him wanting his independence. He was setting it all up For him to leave at a certain point. I think our Hs were planning this for quite some times.
They were not good all along. They were able to fool us but they had a plan. I agree, there is no hope with man like this. This is not just about this one A this is about a whole lifestyle they always wanted and that now they finally have. Why in the world would they want to go back to what they were planning to escarpe for years!
Hope, in reality we are better off without them, the hard part is that both you and I are in love with our Hs and there is no amount of rationalization or explanation that would help. Most people we are detached from our situation, like our parents, see it very clearly, they see those men are not worth our tears, but we do NOT see it. till then we will suffer and we have to accept that suffering is going to be the norm for a while.
blessing

Hi Atena,

I believe that Hope comes in different packages. I didn't take "Don't give up hope" as being only for my husband coming back. By the time I'm seriously half way through plan B, I may not want him back. I'm seeing everyday how much of an abusive situation I was really in. Even my kids are doing better....more stable. Not so much hollering and tension from his bi-polar swings. Yes, discipline is going to take time for me, but my kids are no longer swinging from the chandeliers with their emotions.

In summary, I'm "not giving up hope" that....

I will come out of my grief
I will give my children a safe and secure environment
I will be happy again one day
I will be able to help others
I will be successful in my outcome.
God will continue to grow me into the woman he wants me to be.

Hope,
I interpret hope as hope to R the M as we are on the MB forum.
But I like your version of hope and that is a good advice for me to take
It is also good that we start seeing WHs as abusers, because they really are. But to abuse one has to have a victim and we have to grow out of our victim role...
blessing

I see your viewpoint about hope, but from what I've learned here about plan B is that the outcome can go either way. I guess I'm just hopeful for recovery whether with or without my husband....thanks for the advice.

HopeE, that is the way I meant it. I guess I meant more like Faith. Faith in the fact that this will turn out the way it is supposed to. Whether that means with our FWH(because we don't want these WH's back) or on our own.

I understood Scotland. Obviously, I want to be a family again, but mostly I want to feel happy again.

That is one thing I am trying to work on in my own personal recovery. I need to find JOY in life again. I see other people happy and smiling. I need to find things I am HAPPY about.

Sorry about the t'j, thought it might be helpful for you to know you are most DEFINITELY NOT ALONE. I am currently reading Queenie's thread. I have read all of her threads before that one. Have you read it yet? She sounds like us too and her FWH sounds like our WHs.

I don't know if I posted this to you before, but Pepperband suggested that I Plan A my kiddos. I try to find fun things to do with them and I make sure that I spend as much time as I can with them to fill in the voids. It is going to be summer vaca soon. I have always taken them out places, last summer I didn't do too much though. Argh, just thought about WH and POSOW. They would make comments about how I was such a good mother taking my kids all around and how it was nice for my kiddos. Okay Okay Pep, I will drop my loonie and move on.
end t/j

And you can never regret spending quality time with your kiddies...You will never look back and say "I wish I didnt waste so much time with my kids." ya know? And it has the added benefit to you of taking your mind off POSWH.

I have plans for the summer with kiddies. I want to take them to the beach for the week if there's not too much oil? Otherwise maybe rent a place near a lake or park? I just want to do a real family vacation. We've never had any real family time. My WH always just wanted to do his own thing...never all of us together.

I will say that quitting Ebay is the best thing I could have done. Even though I enjoyed it, it took too much time away from my children. I wish I didn't learn that the hard way. I'm going to make plans for the summer that will keep them busy and exercising.

I love H so much, but I need to stay busy in order to keep my mind off of him. He still sees all of this as NO LOVE. I'm also trying to ground them more spiritually. I want them to see me praying in the morning and reading my Bible. I want them to know that God is getting me through this situation. I was so proud of DD14. She took some of Melody's scriptures that she posted and wrote them out. She then posted them on her mirror. I was reading them to my mom and my DD said, "there are three there that I want to copy." She's still in her little world, but I see glimpses of God's love here and there....I know she's thinking.

Hi Hope, I am sorry we played phone tag tonight. You sound calmer and calmer every day. I am so proud of what you said about having hope!! That is exactly the right attitude. No matter what happens, you will come out of this just fine.

Maybe we can catch up tomorrow.

My first day off from school and it's been full of things to do. The day is not even over and I've mailed packages, cleaned the kitchen, laundry, went to buy meds for doggies, and lunch. Now, I'm getting ready to get DS7 to take a nap and one for me too.....my favorite thing in the summer.

I have to get DS to lay down or my house will be in a huge mess and everything in sight will be eaten. My days are lonely, but I'm definitely not alone:)

There you go. Before you know it, the summer will be over and you will wonder where the time went.

You are most definitely NOT alone.

Well tonight was my first time back to the gym. After DS7 went to sleep, I had DD14 watch the kiddies and I left to go work the treadmill. I was amazed at the difference after losing 60lbs. My heart rate stayed in the 130s as opposed to soaring into the low 150s. I guess maybe I need to speed up and more incline now.

I loved it and I felt so good afterward.....then a shower. It's a great feeling to get back into shape. I'm telling you though, if it wasn't for those weight watcher fudge bars, I'd be eating everything insight...LOL

Overall, it's been a good day.

Glad you had a GOOD day. Those will come along more often as time goes on. Soon it will be the bad days that are less and less frequent.

I was really SMILING while I was reading this post. I am so happy for you.

It's good that you are leaving DD14 in charge, by the way. Responsibility like that is good for her, and if she is good enough at it she can babysit over the summer and earn some money. (If you want her to do anything like that)

Food for thought there.

DD14 is not very responsible, but I'm trying to help her out. The boys don't listen to her too well and she ended up calling me several times last night. That's why I put DS7 down to sleep because I knew she wouldn't be able to handle him.

I am sending DS7 to a few days of camp during the summer....whatever I can afford.

Today's activity will be going to the movies to see "Karate Kid".

GREAT movie! Not one single cuss word in the whole thing. We loved it!

Yes, we loved it!!!! So clean!!!!!! My boys were kung fu fighting in Albertsons with the noodles on the end caps...ughhhh I'll get beat up for days:)

I'm a little depressed today. After I got back from movies with kids, H called DD14 to find out about picking them up on Friday morning. DD told him that we were going to my mom's and would meet him half way from the lake. Wellll, this doesn't work for him of course because he is actually here in our town. It makes no sense that he would rather drive 2hours to pick them up instead of 30 minutes. This whole thing threw me into a crying fit. It just loaded me up with more hurt. I wanted to call him and tell him what a lousy excuse for a man he is leaving his wife and children. This should't surprise me....he's never committed to anything. He had two failed marriages before me, an other than honorable discharge from the Army, and multiple dives from different business ideas. Why do I still want this marriage? Can someone please tell me what my problem is?

Hope
Its simple, its called love irrational though it may be under the circumstances complicated by a 20 year investment,
u but feel your pain.
I am rooting for yo