About a month ago my BF 8 years left a note for me to brake news to me that was unbearable for him to do. In the note he wrote that he had to go to court about something. Something that he did 1 and 1/2 years ago and now he has to pay for. I prayed it wasn't what I thought. Too make a long story short, it turned out that his ex's baby born last year was his. Supposively he said that he didn't have a relationship with her but that he was a 'D-head' and at the time he was going through a lot of anger and frustration and I'm not sure yet what else lead him to this affair especially with all the animosity he had towards her over the past years. They have a 9 year old daughter together from their former relationship but he claims that even then he didn't want to have the child and wanted her to abort it but she refused. He is now in a custody battle with her due to her recent crack addiction. She cannot be around any of the kids. The only other option was foster care. So he has no choice but to take custody. We are both in our upper 40's and we are not married nor do we live together but we're like a married couple. We had a 24 year long history of a very well trusted friendship as well. It was only 8 years ago that we pursued a relationship after both our previous marriages failed. He has two boys 20 and 16 that he raised on his own from his previous marriage and he has the 9 year old from this last woman and now the baby. I raised both my kids 27 and 20 and I was looking forward to he and I moving forward together. But this now was a shock to me. He claims that it was hard for him to swallow but he have to accept it. He certainly did not want to raise another baby! The child will be 1 this year. He apologized to me. He told me that I am a good woman and he wished he would have treated me better. He said this is not what he wanted but that he will love the baby anyway! I still love him. I didn't talk to him for 3 weeks after hearing the truth but then I wrote him a letter telling him that I made peace with the situation and that I don't hate him. That I wanted to close the chapter but not necessarily the book etc. etc...We consemated our relationship again but I am still not sure if this is what I want. I'm not sure if this is going to change our relationship for the worse. I sometime feel like why should I pay for his mistake! I'm still waiting for some resolution or reassurance from him. The only reassurance he told me was that if he does get custody of his two kids that she would be lucky if she ever sees them again. He says he doesn't want anything to do with her, not even be in the same courtroom with her......Worst of all, if I stay with him, I have to deal with the embarrassment of family and friends when they ask me 'how can you be with him after he had a baby with another.' I know that I shouldn't think of that. I already told some friends and they were somewhat supportive of whatever decision I make. Any suggestions or ideas will be very much appreciated!

I don't usually visit this particular forum, Jamela, but I will give you my .02 since I am also in my upper 40's.

In your situation, if I was not married to the BF and had already raised my children, I would terminate the relationship. The only reason you were told about the cheating was because he had no other choice. Furthermore, this is just what he has chosen to tell you. There may have been more women, and this may have gone on for a long time.

I would remain his friend if you can from a distance, support his choice, but I would move on. My reasons are the trust issue but also the fact that you are in your late 40's and would be taking on the maternal role for a new term. That is not fair to you. Before you know it, you may have grandchildren. You should be free to give them the attention they deserve. What is more, you would be near 70 by the time his youngest is grown.

You only get one go around on this earth. You should not have to assume someone else's errors in judgment and responsibilities, especially when you aren't even married.

I think sometimes women our age begin to lose a bit of self confidence in ourselves. We're getting older, possibly not taking as good of care of ourselves as we are capable of. We think we'll never find love again, and we might even settle for someone who does not treat us well. I think that's a terrible waste. You should not have to settle for someone you cannot trust.

I feel badly for you, that you have trusted him all this time, and he was unfaithful. I dated my husband for 7 years before we married. I know it would devastate me if I found out similar news - and only because he got caught.

You still have a lot of life left in you, a lot of love to give, and you deserve someone who will respect and love you back the way you deserve. Consider a reputable dating service in due time, but until then I would take a break and get some distance between the two of you.

Just my personal opinion; I'm not a counselor.

Soolee, Thank you so much for your advise. I really appreciate your compassion in this matter. I posted this in another discussion panel and they almost made me feel as though I am insane. I respect your opinion. I am taking my time deciding my life. I did make peace with the situation and I told him that right now we are just friends. He's been trying to hold on and at the same time beating himself up (rightfully so)! But I have been keeping distant from him. It's hard but then I've been through so much in past relationships and that has made me stronger. My ex-husband of 12 years and father of my daughter was a cheater and he never showed any compassion or remorse for it. That ended in a divorce after I had an affair with someone else. I felt safe with current bf because when I entered into that relationship we were already friends and I wasn't at the time looking to be in another serious relationship. I wanted to take my time but of course the heart gets in the way and I fell in love with him knowing that he wasn't a committable person. I just enjoy the things we did together (travelling etc.) I loved that he cared for me and help take care of my house etc...so now I'm leaving it in gods hand!

Thanks again,

Jamela,

Dating is like a test drive and your BF failed the test. If he cannot be faithful and HONEST with you while dating how do you think he would be as a husband? Plus I agree with Soolee, I am in my last year of my 40's and helping my H raise (part time, not full time like your BF) his 5 year old OC. I should be looking forward to grandchildren, not having to pay CS and start all over with a young child. If we were not married with children, I would be long gone.

Well, Thank you for that..I Feel that you are in a tougher situation because you are married and have kids but I'm sure you're also putting up with it because you love him and that's ok. I still feel that the love I have for this man is no different than a love for a husband. So it's still not that easy to just let go!!

Jamela, there are three more things I would like you to consider when you make your decision.

The first is that God helps those who help themselves. You're in total charge of your life, and we can leave our anxiety and cares with the Lord while still navigating and charting our own courses. He's not going to do all the work.

Second is if you decide to stay with him, you will undoubtedly become as attached to the children as a mother would be. You will probably feel emotionally locked in as a parental figure to the children, and exiting a relationship like that in the event of more deceit will be twice as difficult for you and the children. Plus if he does not marry you, and you don't adopt the children, you will have no legal claim to them - kids who in probably less than 6 months will feel like your own. There is also the very real possibility that he realizes he needs a maternal figure for these girls and just wants to maintain the relationship so that he has a built in babysitter/mother figure.

Second is if he has been unfaithful with her, there may have been more partners than you realize. Anyone the two of them have slept with, you could be infected by, so I encourage you to get tested as soon as possible. The fact that she has a drug habit makes her more vulnerable to venereal and other diseases, and you need to get tested and treated if necessary.

Good luck.

Jamela, I wrote this cool post to you about what to do if you would like to make it work with your boyfriend. Did you read what I said?

Jamela,

My love for my husband would NOT sustain me through having this OC in my life. It is my commitment to my MARRIAGE and my children born from my marriage that gave me the strength to try to work on recovery. Even with the commitment and the Lord carrying me through the roughest days it is darn HARD to have OC and thus OW in my life. I am quite attached to the OC just as Soolee predicts you will become to your BF's children. I have no legal standing in OC's life which means if we D, I lose that relationship.

You need to take your rose colored glasses off and take a seriously hard look at this man, your R and what continuing to love him will mean for you.

And just one more thing, J, then I will let you go to think about it.

If you cannot or will not terminate it, in your position, I would need to have his enthusiastic agreement of three things:

1) MB counseling
2) Marriage
3) Permission/agreement for you to petition to adopt both girls

For further consideration after all the legalities are figured out: A vasectomy and a no contact letter to the mother. (You can ask about no contact letters on the SAA forum.)

If he loves you and wants to build a life with you and security for his children, seems like these are the right things to do. If he can't commit to counseling and marriage and allowing you to adopt them, then you know he just wants a babysitter.

Thank you...I agree with that Soolie!

Thank you Markos..but I don't know what cool post you're talking about!

On your other thread, in all the mess.

Actually, I gave you several things you could look at and read for suggestions and ideas.

Jamela - something on your other post is disturbing to me...

I don't only love my current bf but I respect the fact that he had a conscious. If you want to call it a renters situation, he could have made up some lie and just walked away without telling me anything.

Maybe I read it wrong, but if I didn't, he waited until 1.5 years after his affair to tell you about it. You consider that a conscience? Jamela...he DID walk away without telling you anything - 1.5 years ago.

Just because he tells you about something he did after he couldn't avoid telling you anymore, doesn't make him a good guy. And even if he's doing better in the conscience department than your ex husband, doesn't mean you don't deserve better. You're selling yourself short.

Even if you had an affair years ago and may still feel badly about yourself for it, doesn't mean you should keep your standards low or consider yourself 'lucky' for finding what you perceive to be a half decent guy. You can do better for yourself in who you decide to have relationships with and how you treat yourself. You're not respecting yourself, imo.