Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#2383945 06/02/10 02:34 PM
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
Another one of those frustratingly interesting things happened yesterday, and again this morning.

The cafeteria simulator on this campus has reorganized and several new people recently started working there. One is a cute 20 something year old. Maybe late 20s.

She and I talk while I get lunch, if I get lunch. I skip lunch most days. I know she has a dog, is not married and never has been. Parents live in the eastern part of the state. Stuff like that.

She knows almost nothing about me. I think I have mentioned I have my pilots license, ski every chance I get, was in Scotland last fall, have a son and we spend much of the summer at the lake house. Stuff like that. She knows I am married. She has got to think I am old

Late yesterday, as I was leaving the building, she asked me out to a movie next weekend. She knows I like Science Fiction (the other SF) and almost had me with her suggested title.

Damn.

I was not dumbfounded. This sort of thing happens to me more than rarely.

But still. Damn.

I said thanks, but I cant. I lied and said wife and I were doing something. We arent. We never do. I keep myself busy. But, I am still married - if only on paper.

Sometimes I wish adultery were not a mortal sin. How come I can resist committing adultery, time after time, but no one else on this stupid planet seems to be able to resist even once?

Adulterers and former adulterers must I think I am not really human. I am beginning to wonder about that myself.

None of my ENs have ever been met in this marriage. Ever. None. At all. And I have had opportunity after opportunity to affair up, to affair down, to affair all over the place for years and years. But I cant. I just cant. I always run the other way. Adulterous wife admits I always met her ENs very well. Yet she had the VLTA and not me. Go figure that one out MB.

And before anyone says it, getting the D wont make any difference. I will not be able to get married again in the Church. And the alternative is still called fornication, last I looked.

She was bubbly and happy this morning. While she made me a latte she said she was still free next weekend, and the weekend after too.

Damn.

Now Im going to have to get my latte before I get to work.

eta: Why am I even posting this? I dont know, actually. Frustration, perhaps.

Last edited by Aphelion; 06/02/10 04:19 PM.

"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
Originally Posted By: Aphelion
And before anyone says it, getting the D wont make any difference. I will not be able to get married again in the Church. And the alternative is still called fornication, last I looked.
Your religion does not allow remarriage after divorce due to adultery by your spouse?


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
Gack1 #2384044 06/02/10 04:22 PM
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
Not without death or an annulment. The annulment process cannot even start for at least a year after the D is final. And annulments are becoming very hard to get in this diocese.

Not that it matters much to me in any case. I do not want to marry again, ever. Ugh.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
Originally Posted By: Aphelion
Not without death or an annulment.
I do not believe I would be a part of a religion the required me to be unhappy (No option to marry again) because I decided to divorce my former spouse due to there adultery.

Originally Posted By: Aphelion
Not that it matters much to me in any case. I do not want to marry again, ever. Ugh.
So you want to be single for the rest of your life?

Then I don't see a problem. hurray


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
Gack1 #2384057 06/02/10 04:44 PM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
So don't be Catholic and go to another Christian denomination.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
No religious discussions from me. I was simply answering a question.

I will say I believe the Church does have the sacrament of marriage correct. It cannot be unilaterally ended by either party. No matter what they do.

Besides, there was this vow. I remember a vow, for better or worse. It is unethical to break a vow, even if broken by others.


I can be single, and I can be happy. No problems.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,416
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,416
I have no advice, but I admire the fact that you have never strayed. I wish I could say the same frown I am sorry you have to live in such an unhappy marriage.

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Quote:
Adulterous wife admits I always met her ENs very well. Yet she had the VLTA and not me. Go figure that one out MB.


That one's easy. You're a man of obvious character. Makes you even more desirable to predatory creatures, I'm afraid. Sorry that you're so strong. smile


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10
B
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 10
Originally Posted By: Aphelion
I have had opportunity after opportunity to affair up, to affair down, to affair all over the place for years and years. But I cant. I just cant. I always run the other way.


Me too.

This is a good thing! We are to be commended. We can live in dignity about our pure selves and don't need to feel that awful, filthy feeling of shame and remorse.

I'm so thankful for my strong boundaries.


"Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes ... but I'll work it out."

BW, healing, happily married
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
Originally Posted By: Aphelion
One is a cute 20 something year old. Maybe late 20s.


If it weren't for the religion thang, and you were DV'd, you could have your own grandchildren with this gal! grin twoxfour

-ol' 2long

2long #2385512 06/04/10 07:32 PM
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Sounds to me like Aphelion is HOT. One woman's garbage is another woman's treasure.

Beyond religion, I think at has to do with integrity. He took a vow and is keeping it. How refreshing.

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
I think he should tell this girl that he is VERY flattered, because she is great girl however he is married.

If she say's that doesn't matter, buy his coffee elsewhere.

If she say's I didn't konw an drops wanting to date you shows she has character then offer her to meet that great age appropriate relative or friend of his.

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 10,816
I suspect that people like Appy and I don't cheat, not simply because we promised we wouldn't, but because we made that promise because of who we are and what we believe in. (and I'm not religious).

-ol' 2long

2long #2387209 06/08/10 07:17 PM
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Awww 2long, gives me hope to know such good men........

Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
Hah, it is to laugh. I could wish hot. I think I once was sort of warm maybe. But that was a long time ago. I am just dignified (read old) now. Sometimes I think I mostly attract women who can smell money a mile upwind. Or maybe its my new ponytail. Growing it to go with the Harley I will get soon.


2L and I had a similar discussion the other day.

Before I asked W to marry me I consciously and intentionally reflected on what marriage meant to me. I actively researched the meaning of Christian marriage (including Engaged Encounter after she said yes.) I knew exactly what I was going to promise.

I decided before I could make any marriage promises to anyone else I needed to make multiple layers of serious life-altering promises to myself no matter what kinds of promises. I wanted to know in advance what marriage means at all levels self, spouse, Church, family and the community of all marriages. I looked deep into myself to see if these promises were something I could live with for the rest of my life, before I even made them. I took almost a year at this. Six months before asking her to marry me and six months with her.

Interestingly, the first sentence in the above paragraph could equivalently be written as - I consciously and intentionally promised myself multiple layers of serious life-alterations - no matter what kind of life alterations.

How can any adulterer later pretend they didnt promise this very thing?

If you ask me, no one should ever promise anything whatsoever to anyone without first giving a great deal of thought to what those promises mean to himself as well as to what those promises means to the other person.

So, who I was and what I believe played a big part in my decision to get married in the first place. I was not getting married without knowing what it really meant - to my future.

But, in addition to who I already was, I also took up something new something I did not have before. I took a vow. I took a solemn vow in front of wife, family, community and God. I picked up a new duty, expecting this new responsibility would allow me to grow in new and unknown ways. Thus it was also a conscious and intentional reaching for personal change and improvement.

I now know wife did not look inward at all. It was all just her wedding day; no more, no less. And she still hasnt looked inward. I do not think she can or ever could. In fact, she never looks outward either. She lives on the surface only. Like all adulterers and former adulterers who live mostly for their feelings and their needs which they think are so deep or so expansive but are really only on the surface.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
Quote:
Or maybe its my new ponytail. Growing it to go with the Harley I will get soon.


Holy frights, Ap, you don't have a comb-over to go with that ponytail, do ya?
Bawhahahahha! No not really, just kidding. crazy

You are just getting a Harley, and my husband just got rid of his (thank the Lord above who answered my prayers pray ). I hate bikes. Actually though, I did have fun when we rode in a parade in Green Bay, WI, and on this one bike run for charity. But that's because we could only go at a snails pace. grin

Anyway, be safe. (And I think maybe the young girls don't smell the money so much, as they smell the goodness, the integrity and the ability to commit. They just don't realize that if you were to cheat with them, all those things they admired about you would be like so much smoke. Gone. They don't see the big picture. Shortsighted, but they don't see that yet, unfortunately.)


weaver #2388252 06/10/10 04:35 PM
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
Hey weave,

LOL, no, no comb over. I still have a full head, and all my parts are attached and intact.

I thought you were on holiday this week.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
Yes, we are not going to the cottage I rented until Sat, though.

Logged in to give some support to Mulan.

2long #2388421 06/11/10 01:52 AM
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 336
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 336
Originally Posted By: 2long
If it weren't for the religion thang, and you were DV'd, you could have your own grandchildren with this gal!


There's a song for that, you know.



BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
I'm holding out for cloning.


"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan

"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky

WS: They are who they are.

When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 28 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,544
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5