Hello All!

This is my first post here and I am a little nervous.

I have been reading some post over the last couple of weeks hoping to get some help but, I am just going to bite the bullet and post my situation. I am not even sure where to start.

My H and I have been married for 27 years this past April. We had as far as I knew a typical marriage. We married at 19 & 20 so we were young and stupid. We started our family soon (1 yr)after. In the early years of our marriage after the kids arrived his world revolved around them! I began to feel the effects of my EN not being met. So in return when he would come home from work and give me NO attention and yet wanted sex I began to withdraw and withhold what he needed/wanted because my needs weren't being met. So needless to say over the course of time a lot of resentment and bitterness on both our parts began to build. I responded to him verbally and emotionally in disrespectful ways and didn't even realize it at the time. My H doesn't like confrontation and doesn't communicate well so he would just stuff it away and go on. We have never had a vol ital relationship meaning we really never fought about a lot of things we have been self employed most of our married life and work well together. He refers to it as a good maid and butler (working) relationship. So however we have had our ups and downs as most do I never saw coming what happened.

We had been struggling with some things like me feeling like he was very distant to me and I was always the initiator of most affection or sexual encounters. I had begun asking questions of him like "What am I doing wrong? I can't change it if I don't know" He kept assuring me it was not me it was him etc.! So in February of 08 we went to a Marriage Conference after one of the sessions on Saturday he said the dreaded words "We need to talk"
So I sat and listened to him tell me for about 1 to 1 1/2 hours about how he hadn't love me for 20 some years!!!! Talk about a shock. So that is where our "journey" began. Over the next few months I found out that not only did he not love me he was having an A with my best friend and had been going on for 3 years!! What an idiot I must be to have allowed something this heinous to go on right under my nose. You see I was the decoy for the whole thing. We had known each other casually for years but, she befriended me in order to be around my H more often in the name of "our friendship" They had begun just talking on the phone about something at church and then continued the calls until eventually it become an EA and then a SA. She and her husband conveniently were at the same marriage conference we were at the day he dropped the bomb on me that he didn't love me. The whole thing is so sick and twisted it makes me sick to my stomach. The A ended on May 5, 08 with him confessing and repenting what he had done to our pastor & to God. Our pastor made the call to her that night and told her it was over!!!

So here we are 2 years later having tried and been working on our marriage. Many times I have thought things were better and improving just to find our later from him that they are not better for him. We started counseling again about 5 or 6 weeks ago and she mentioned this website for the questionnaires and I came here and started looking around and reading. I have printed off and read and read to my H the Basic Principals by Dr. Harley. Amazingly enough he listened to all of it with not to much to say until I got to the LB DJ and SD then his ears perked up and it all made sense to him he said the following Tuesday in counseling he thinks that is what it is that is keeping him from loving me and feeling anything. I have apologized to him over the last 2 years for the way I have treated him and talked to him several times. Realizing that what I have done is wrong. He can obviously not forgive me and move on. There have been many steps along the way that I have not gone into details about because of the length of this. But we are currently both working on the Grief Recovery Handbook to help us to deal with the pain and hopefully be able to move on. I have been extremely gracious and forgiving in this whole situation (probably too much). So it is so hard for me to grasp why he can't move on after all he has put me through.

My situation is different than most on this board because I am coming here not newly out of the A but, STILL trying to recover and most of all do what it is going to take to get my H through this and get his love and affection back. He is still in what he is calling a Fog and confusion as to what is going on with him. He loves me but, he says he doesn't love me like he "should". I am so frustrated 2 years after the A to know that all the changing I have done and amazing amount of energy and love that I have poured into him and our R and he still says he feels "bankrupt" "I feel nothing"

I will stop for now any help and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Please help me make sense of this.

Is he still in contact w/ the OW? Contact includes even just seeing her around, as well as the more obvious phone calls, emails, text messages, etc.

Also, after discovering his affair, did you two come up with a list of extraordinary precautions (EPs) to help prevent any future affair-promoting situations or relapses?

Sounds to me that he is still thinking like a wayward, have you told anyone about his A? Why was the A stopped? Was it because he wanted to fix the marriage? Or did the OW wanted to fix her marriage? Has he told you EVERYTHING about the A?

Personally I really don't like how you have been saying sorry for the last two years when all of his UNHAPPINESS was HIS fault not yours, so why are you apologizing? You need to stop that and realize this A didn't happen because of you, nor a Mid life crisis, it is because your husband wanted to cheat.

He needs to be truly remorseful on what he did to you, and totally committed to a recovery.

Read the last 2 sentences. YOU ARE THE BETRAYED SPOUSE. not him.

Please look over the posts on Buyers and renters in a M. He is just doing the minimum to get by. Recovery is hard. He has to be committed to it.

WS often has a sense of entitlement and your is no exception. You cant do all the heavy lifting. Your trying to push a rope uphill.

Buy HNHN and SAA. study the rules for recovery.

Talk to him about the recovery program. Go over POJA, radical honestly, and extrodinary precautions. See if he will fill out an ENQ.

See if he will commit to those. If he doesnt commit to EP - RED FLAG -

Check the cell phone bill. Check his computer. Consider a Keylogger.

Are you still seeing a MC? What are your goals? Did he help you come up with a plan for recovery? Or are you just in there chatting with him? A bad MC can do WAY more harm than good.

If he is willing to do those things then you need some serious UA time. Remember at least 15 hrs a week. Focus on RC. Spend time with him. Meet his needs. Fill out an ENQ and give it to him. he may surprise you. Avoid LB at all cost.

If you spend that UA time with him and meet needs he will fall in love again. He has to want to do it though.

See if he will do those things for you. If he doesnt then more drastic actions may be neccessary. Im NOT going to comment on those because I dont feel im qualified too. There are other pros around that can help you better than I can there.

One thing I will reccomend is call the MB Marriage coachs. Steve and Jennifer. They are MASTERS at reaching WS. They WILL speed up your recovery. They will hold them accountable and keep their feet to the fire. They are the best around IMO at recovering from A. They can and will help you.

best of luck with you.

No not that I am aware of. I watch the phone records all the time. That is how I first became aware of the A in the first place and traced it back 3 yrs. We went to church with her and they left immediately per our pastors request because of our children. He doesn't use the computer and seldom ever text. His job takes him out and about all over the place so that I am aware of he doesn't even no they have moved to a different city. Not sure how to ask him with out him being suspicious.

I have read the link you had on there. I have read just about everything on the site on infidelity. No we did not make a list of EP's not sure what that means for sure. Thanks!

Welcome f2h. Sorry you're here, and I hope we can help. First of all, have the two lovers been separated permanently? You say you have read articles on here, so I will assume that you understand that there must be no contact between your WH and his AP for life. Correct? Has he written her a NC letter?

BTW, your sitch is not unique. Sadly, it is common.

SR,

Yes many of my friends and family know. He has told that I am aware of only about 3-4 people. When he knew that I suspected the A he voluntarily went to our pastor and confessed and talked to him. He came home and talked to me and said he wanted to make our M work. She was shocked when she found out what he did. She like an idiot encouraged him to talk to our pastor that day! Did she really think our pastor was going to tell him to stay with her!!! I really think she thought he wouldn't do it.

No he has not told me everything about the A. We have talked about it and I have ask questions and most things he has reluctantly told me when I ask but he keeps saying I don't want to hurt you anymore. He doesn't feel like it is healthy for me to know all the details.

I guess where I feel like I am at fault is the not meeting his EN in the earlier part of our marriage that is what I have apologized for. However I told him I am sorry and I take my part of the fault and responsibility for that but, I WILL NOT take responsibility for his poor choice to step outside the boundaries of our marriage into an adulterous affair! He made that choice on his own.

He needs to tell you anything you want to know. He doesn't get to make that decision - YOU do. It was all about him during the A. Now it's all about YOU.

If he didn't want to hurt you he shouldn't have had an A. He sure wasn't worried about your feelings then, was he. Now YOU are driving the bus. You decide what you need to know in order to adjust your reality for the period of time that he was involved in this damaging thing.

If he is truly remorseful, he will do anything you require in order to feel safe and heal. Don't let him hide from the consequences of his actions by claiming noble things like 'he doesn't want to hurt you anymore.'

YEG,

I have done the ENQ and he started on it this week. He hasn't read everything that I have read and even the things I have read to him we haven't actually made list etc. on. Unfortunately he works away from home from 8a.m. til between 6p.m. -8p.m. and then comes home as has to do all his paperwork and make phone calls for the next jobs. I rarely get more than and hour or so of time in the evening and that is not necessarily UA time. We do go to the lake most weekends and if kids or friends aren't there we get time together. But my goal is to be working on it all the time and I feel like he gets tired of feeling like that is all I ever want to do.
I will try to talk about the EP this weekend at the lake. He acts like we don't have anything to talk about and he has to make up other stuff or something. I haven't got the ENQ from him yet and yet I feel like I know most his emotional needs and have been bending over backwards to meet them. But, when he said in counseling the other day he felt bankrupt and empty I felt like what I am trying so hard for if he feels that way. He says he feels depressed when I am around. I left for a week back in March and he said he could just feel the depression lifting and he was so much happier He says he doesn't understand why that is! He admits that I have been amazing through this whole thing and that I have changed immensely but he doesn't understand why he doesn't feel differently.

Thanks MB,

Yes to my knowledge there has been no contact for over 2 years. Yes I understand that there needs to be no contact. I fear the day that he or we may run into OW & OWH somewhere. We don't live in a very large area so it will likely happen at some point. I am amazed it hasn't happened already.

No he has not written a NC letter. 1) He doesn't know anything about this forum/or letter 2) I don't know if it is appropriate to bring it back up and do something like that 2 year post D-Day.

Thanks MB!

So many people have said you probably don't want or need to know details because it will only make things worse.

The worst part is that she I thought was my BF and we talked about everything! I have had a harder time dealing with that and the things we shared and talked about and did together now knowing that I was just a decoy for the whole thing. Just makes me sick. These are two people that I would never never never suspect something like this from especially to do it to me. But obviously live and learn.

I love him dearly and have forgiven (not forgotten) him but, I would like to badly injure her!!!

I feel like he has not been able to move on and to let go of the past and is keeping us from being able to make progress. I have made a lot of progress in light of the whole situation but, he not so much. I have told him "if I being the betrayed can forgive and move on why can't you?" I just can't seem to crack this open to see what is the real hangup. Two weekends ago while at the lake we were talking and he broke down and started crying which is the first time in at least 2 years and said "I just don't know what the H*** is wrong with me. I just hate myself!" He is very analytical and systematic and it hard for him to grasp that he just needs to let it go and move on in order for us to be happy. It is like he is looking for some profound answer or some fault of mine so he can say that is it. It is frustrating to say the least!

Thanks everyone for your input!

Hang on a sec. You just said:

Can you see where there is a difference in your priorities? He evidently feels it's 'okay' to be gone at work up to 12 hours a day, then bring his work home with him afterwards. Why is it okay for his job to be his priority? Your M should be his priority. Yet he obviously feels that you are spending too much time healing the damage that was inflicted on your priority (the M) than he spends on his! (his job) This needs to change. Can he do something about his job so he isn't dragging it home to interfere in what should be his No. 1 priority - you and your M?

MB, I know exactly what you are saying! That is what I keep saying. Unless I and our marriage becomes your first priority we are not going to gain any ground!

He is an awesome provider and is very good at what he does but I tell him often "I appreciate what you do and your ability to provide for us BUT, I don't like the time it takes to do it. If I can't have you around it is not worth the cost. I would just as soon have you hear and live on less than to have all the money and you not hear to share it with me!"I don't think that sounds like a SD! I feel as if he has switched from having an A with OW to having an affair with his job. I don't want this be a major financial hardship but, if he doesn't get his act together he may need that income to support two households

I wish there was other options on his job. I ask him stop scheduling so much stuff in a day so he can be home at a reasonable time so even if he has paperwork and calls to make he can be done at a reasonable time. He is so driven to preform and do well at his job that it is like it overshadows everything else to him even his marriage that is falling down around his feet! I don't want him to think that I don't respect what he does for us I just want him to understand I need him too! Is that to much to ask?

The hopeless feeling is that I can't change him and I can't make him want me to be his priority so what do I do?

The truth is you can't change him. He has to want to change. Are you saying this overload of work is recent? Is it possible that he is pouring himself into his work because that's something solid that he can control, as opposed to the 'abstractness' of his marital issues, which may be overwhelming him?

MB, No the overload of work is not recent it has been an ongoing thing every since he started the job 8 years or so ago. He loves his job though and I feel like it is a major distraction to our R in the aspect that it gives him so little time to work on something as vital as this. However it is something he feels like he has control over unlike our M problems. If that makes sense?!

Perfect sense. It's a complete, solid 'thing' that he can control. I think this is very bad for your M, f2h. It is his priority. That's wrong. The thing that should make him happiest is to COME HOME TO YOU, AND LEAVE HIS JOB AT THE OFFICE. This should NOT take up the majority of his waking hours, and it should NOT interfere with his No. 1.priority - his M!