To me the art of affection is the art or doing something nice for someone.


I am a token affectioner. I have always given affection by tokens, and my WS has mistook that for years as me just being nice......

For him physical contact is affection. It was not until a few weeks ago it dawned on him that the small tokens are affection too.


So I guess affection by words for me we be compliments.
"Your eyes are really beautiful when you wear that blouse"
"Your hair is amazing today"
"I really like that dress on you, it reminds me of how beautiful you looked when we __________ (insert appropriate thought here)"

anyone else?

That is correct I have never slept in there before and realize that it may give the wrong message, gives me some space too which helps me and gives me strength. Had an IC session today, it is so important to talk to people about this stuff and to set up a support network for yourself. This forum helps too, but you can't beat talking.

That's really great regarding verbal physical affection - I understand now. One oft WS complaints was that I never told her how beautiful she looked. It wasn't never, just rare. I just thought she knew and I didn't have to keep saying it, to make matters worse I would joke about her looks. I now know how bad that was.

My wife hates when I say she is beautiful. I took that for years to mean she didnt want me to compliment her.

WRONG!

She likes when I say she looks amazing. Example - That shirt really brings out the color of your eyes.

Your hair looks wonderful today.

You look great in that dress.

I really like your shoes.

Basically beautiful is a trigger for her. It comes across fake. Anything else is OK.

Good point specific is better than general statements, they sound less contrived.

Specific statements...genuine statements.

No contrivance.

You like the way her laugh sounds when the boys say something funny.

You like her beef stroganoff.

The way she smells or smiles. (Not much of the smiles going on, I know.) Tiny facial expressions or body language moves only she does. That you've noticed for years and have said nothing about.

Helps with your Plan A, not as flattery...as you getting to say what you haven't when facing the possibility of not getting to say them...facing great loss.

You get really honest with yourself. You thought she just knew...and she thought you didn't care (part of how you get to choosing an affair...convince yourself it wouldn't matter to your spouse anyway)...

So it isn't contrived, no plan doormat...it's honest, reflective and true.

What you've appreciated, taken for granted and stopped seeing in her...see now. Take the opportunity.

And it's very hard to come up with honest appreciation for wayward actions...don't go there.

And don't forget her very presence matters. Always has...we just stop mentioning it, right?

Do you know her favorite recreational companionship activity? Can you plan at least 10 hours this week of doing RC together, no relationship talk, just the two of you?

Other means of physical affection I employed (my DH's top EN is Affection)...foot rubs, lotion on his feet. Back rubs further into withdrawal and a lot of RC time...playing together again.

Don't lose sight that you're her real partner, Mememe...you're the real man, the husband and father. No matter what she thinks right now, you are the person she can fall in love with over and over again for a lifetime. You're not fantasy.

There's a great thread on MB called "It is the fear" posted by Star*fish. Do not react to your fear of possible loss...that's where Plan A goes into doormat. Don't go there.

You are standing for your marriage, your intact family...you aren't trying to trick her back into feeling stuff. You honestly wish you'd been doing this stuff all along...know where you dropped the ball, where you wish for that second chance to do differently, and you'll sleep better. Work out, too...focus on healthy stress relief...and stay very present in your home.

LA

This is great stuff LA, I didn't mean I would be saying things that are contrived, but that WW would not think that they are because they are specific and heart felt rather than general statements.

This is real quality input for me thanks - I'll work on it. I like the way you write LA it is really thought provoking and really encourages me. It is appreciated.

She needs to stop being pissed off with me about exposure, before any RC, UA etc. See what next week is like.

Thanks again.

I'm saying to separate your finances so that your hard-earned money is not going to finance her A. If she is continuing the A that may well happen, especially if you're the main breadwinner. It is not a LB to protect yourself and your kids financially from the A.

You need to assert yourself and get back into your OWN BED. To do otherwise tells your WW that you are deserving of being out of it. I don't care how comfortable the spare bedroom is, and I would imagine you can get space in other ways that won't send a message to your WW that she alone is entitled to your marital bed. Too subservient by half, Me.

I want to ask this again.

What do WW and OM do?

You do not need to be specific, just general.

For example.

WW and OM work for a large multinational firm in an office environment.

or

WW and OM are fry cooks at a restaurant.

or

WW and OM work for a govt agency in a manual labor environment.

Be general.

Ok I'll go back to my bed MB

Gack they work in an office environment, don't see eachother much at work but he spends quite a lot of time out and about.

Small or large business?

If I understood you correctly, you said this company turns a blind eye to inter-office affairs, is this correct?

Who is higher up in the company?

Yes medium size and lots of it goes in so it is tolerated. Bosses know, ww probably telling them what an evil person I am etc. to give her entitlement.

But do they have an H.R. department?

A supervisor may sweep something under the rug, but H.R. wont.

Where is OM staying?

When you contacted OMW, was it a direct phone call, or an indirect contact like E-mail?

When you exposed to OM parents, how did you contact them?


Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to find a way to "Aggravate" OM.

Thanks Gack. Spoke to OMW on phone and email. Will reach out to her again to tell her there is hope and to ignore babble. It's her choice to try again.

Has anybody tried public exposure on the Internet on a blog or suchlike?

people have done exposure on WW and OM facebook's

I whizzed off a text to the Om telling him I wouldn't give up and wouldn't take this lying down. I also sent a mail to OMW to find out what her plans were. This all got back to WW via OM and she has gone off with the kids again to her parents. I went up there for a chat and she basically wants to leave but she is going to think about it for a few more days. She is planning to come back on tomorrow, she is angry with me still for telling work still and contacting OM/OMW. I can't help but feel that the situation is hopeless and am considering kicking her out. Should I try to keep to plan for as long as possible?

Oh yes, she saw SAA book and thinks I am being brainwashed by it and others. lol

She thinks you're being brainwashed because she is still DEEP in the fog and doesn't want to be helped by MB!!

Keep trying to Plan A. But I wouldn't contact the OM again, just his wife. Put the pressure on there. You will not validate yourself by contacting him, and it will only make her angry that you are "hurting" him (again, FOG).

Yes. Keep plan A as long as you can. She is so pissed she probbaly hasnt even noticed alot of the changes yet.

I agree as well with contacting the OM. Unless you can threaten him with something tangible it does little good. Definatly stay with the OMW though. Thats the key there.