Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#2388920 06/11/10 07:32 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 2
T
TRB Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 2
Hi. I'm new on here and I'm looking for help with my situation.

I have been married to my husband for 13 years, however we have been together off and on since high-school. We have two young boys ages 5 and 11. He has just reached 18 years in the military, so only 2 more until he can retires. We have had an up and down relationship, with deployments and affairs along the way. He has cheated on my at least 6 times that I know of since we got married. He usually doesn't come and out and tell me. I usually stumble across something and a few fights later, he gives me bits and pieces.

This last affair, he told me had strong feelings for this woman and decided to leave our home. This is the first time he has ever done that, usually he is begging me to forgive him. He says his feelings for me have changed and I have pushed him away. He has been staying with a couple of friends for the past two months and has just rented himself a place.

We both have started seeing separate counselors and he has ended his relationship with this woman. We have talked about getting back together if we can get ourselves right. He says he still loves me and thinks about coming back everyday. Our counselors want us to stop talking and texting each other for 30 days, so we can give each other time to work on our issues. We can talk about the kids or business but no relationship talks. His counselor wants him to start taking depressents to help with what he thinks is a depressive disorder....My husband also has a lot of unsolved issues from things that happened to him in his childhood.

So this is where we are...do we stop talking and texting or will that push us farther apart? I love him and I want to do what I can to save our marriage. (We tend to text 10-12 times a day and talk on the phone at least twice a day, they say this is bad for us)

We are not making promises to each other but we have hope that we will eventually get our marriage back together. He says he wants to fix himself so that he does not hurt me again. I feel he really wants help this time. So do I back away and let him work on it or do I continue to support him? We still love each other, but know that we can not continue living like this.

I would love any advice on what we should do. I don't know if I feel like our counselors are for our marriage surving. His counselor says we are not ready for couples counseling...they also want to start EMDR.

I know this is a lot to take in so thanks for letting me vent...I just don't know where to turn.
Thanks.
Tonya

Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
Welcome Tonya to club no one wants to belong too.

I feel you should move this issue to the Infidelity Surviving an Affair threads. I feel it would help you a lot and use this thread for the military related issues and questions that may relate to the issues that come up. Just ask the Moderators to move it for you.

My thoughts are that if your H is still living away from you he's in contact with another W or even the OW in the affair. Usually this is the case in such situations.

If you are BOTH serious about recovering your M I recommend you get the Harley's involved in phone counseling. I suspect your first recommendation you get is that you move back together if there truly is no OW right now.... but I doubt it is true. The reason is its harder to fight the A if you live apart.

As per the contact and being told "they say this is bad for us" the "they" are the counselors I guess? Sadly very very few counselors out there are M experts, the run of the mill counselors usually deal with divorce issues or individual issues..... here its about saving a M, but not at any cost.

Being in contact and meeting the needs of each other is often a good practice. I would urge you to read ALL the basics on this site, get the books His needs Her needs, and surviving an affair. Your Library may have them or else local bookshop.
And no I don't work for the good Dr in any way... my H & I just used his system.. IT WORKS.

Please get the thread moved and get lots of info and support.

take care

AW


Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Blackhawk), 19 guests, and 69 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
bb1471, OTDL2001, DexterWalsh, Roja jayakumar, MarriageIsWork
71,659 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,523
Posts2,322,497
Members71,659
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5