hi, i am new here although have been reading this site for a while now, ill tell you a little about my situation.....

my husband had an affair in feb 2008, i found out and kicked him out in march 2008, we tryed again in july but found out he was still seeing her so i left, we then tryed again in september and everything seemed fine although we had to sell our house and rent due to my H and his illegal activity and his affair....
After moving my gut was telling me there is somthing not right and i was still snooping i found hotel charges on his credit card but he always had an excuse and at the time very believable.

bu end of jan 2009 i had found out he was seeing her again so out he went again,,just writting this is making me sick i feel like such a push over, anyway he went overseas to CLEAR his head for a couple of months and came back and we gave it another go in May2009..

everything has been going ok, we bought a block to rebuild our lives and to start over and just about a month ago i checked his email and there was a birthday msg on there from the OW saying happy birthday but not in a nice way, i questioned him and got nothing, he claims he hadnt heard from her since the last DDay....

so i emailed her telling her she has done enough damage and to say away, i got no reply back as far as i know as its his email and he could of deleted it as he was mad i wrote back saying im playing into her games and lowering myself to her level and this will just bring everything back up and we will argue more....words are words i feel like he is worried about somthing and that somthing is not ME

so i feel like im back at the beginnging and its starting again after a year of no contact, we have been together 14 years we are both 30 years old and have 2 children,, any adivice please

Well, SS, you situation is not going to be easy to repair, because of the lesson you have previously taught your husband. He had an affair; you took him back without any serious repercussions - no exposure, no documented NC statement. He had another affair; your reaction was the same. Now you believe he is likely involved yet again, and it's only human nature for him to expect your reaction to be similarly tepid and ineffective.

You're going to have to find some action that he fears you will take, and that he fully believes you actually WILL take, as a consequence of his not transparently cutting off all contact this time with this OW, and finally fully commtting himself to your marriage. Sadly, he seems not to recognize the intrinsic rewards of fidelity to your union; you will have to establish some extrinsic rewards(as in lack of negative consequences) for him to consider. If you can find such an action, you'll be in a position to discuss this with your husband from a position of strength.

So scattered, I am so sorry you find yourself here. But here is where you may find the best information to possibly save your marriage and possibly save your sanity.
There is a thread that Scotty started, it is for the newly betrayed posters. It will provide links to much needed information. I bumped it to the top for you.
Start reading and learning.
Again, welcome and sorry that you are here.

" I was still snooping i found hotel charges on his credit card but he always had an excuse and at the time very believable"

Excuse me?
You found hotel charges that he did NOT previously talk to you about when he made those charges?
When you confronted him about secret hotel charges, somehow, he was able to CONVINCE you with some concocted story that he was innocent?


Let me ask you this.

Have you ever charged a hotel room and NOT told your husband about it?

I am trying to imagine a plausible lie your husband told you that does not make you sound like a complete naive head-in-the-sand conflict avoider.

Please elaborate.
WHAT did he tell you that made you believe his lie?

Thanks.

My ex husband was notorious for this. I tried so hard to make it work but the lies and other women never stopped. Needless to say, we did not make it through this because I eventually got fed up.

If he is not willing to talk to you or be honest, what is there left to do?

Sorry you are here, the question you need to ask yourself is.."what am I willing to do to save this M." Then you need to sit down with your husband and ask him this exact question "what is he willing to do to save this M?" If he say's he will do anything then you first need to start with these.

1. He needs to write a NC letter to the OW and YOU need to send it not him.

2. No more LIES! You need to have all passwords to everything he has, emails, FB, text, phone, etc.

3. Read SAA together and do the questionnaires.

4. MC together

5. 20 hrs of UA time

I would probably start with these five, if he is not willing to do the following, then you need to keep snooping, find all the evidence, and expose this A to EVERYONE! Family, friends, co-workers, church members, etc. While this is all happening make sure you are in a Plan A. Since you have been reading this site for awhile I'm sure you understand plan A and plan B.

Again Sorry you are here, there are a lot of people here who will give you really good advise

If you do not have kids I would live him. He cheated on you and you have all the right to do so.
He is a liar and he is a repeated offender. Yes, you did nothing to stop the A howerver he did nothing to not continue with it.
blessing

it was the same OW he was seeing, he had told me he was in no contact with her but i still was snooping when i came across the credit card bill with the hotel charges, he said he let his mate use his credit card for his girlfriend and even told me to call his friend and ask him which i did and he lied for him so thats why i believed him....

hi, right now i wish i could leave him but i do have two daughters and he is a repeat offender with the same woman, what is making me crazy is there was no contact for over a year and all of a sudden it seems like there is again although i have no concrete proof....

but all the signs are there, getting upset if i accuse him, but this time its worse he threatens me and i feel trapped, the other times i kicked him out he was happy to leave cause she was in the picture, this time he refuses to go and i cant do it on my own

hi sapphire

i have asked for all of those things, he wont give me accsess to his phone because he feels like im treating him like a child, he tells me i can look at it when he is asleep...WHATEVER

as for facebook,emails ect i have all of those but who knows if he has more accounts

he wont write the letter cause says he isnt in contact and hasnt been for over a year and im just being crazy

If he wont let you see his phone, then I suggest you do the following..

Install a keylogger, it will email you every hour and give you everything you husband is doing and what sites he is seeing. You will find out if he has anymore accounts that you don't know of.

Buy a VAR for his car, hide it so he wont be able to find it.

Good luck, it sounds like he is talking like a wayward that means he is still cheating and lying sorry

You have set the bar entirely too low. He has not earned his way back. He must be transparent to R this M along with MANY other things. He's not anywhere close.

You have a wayward H on your hands and you need to start from scratch.

1. Decide whether you want this M and this man.
2. Read up on this site, particularly the basic concepts, Plan A and plan B.
3. Read Surviving an Affair.
4. Start snooping.
5. If you want to try to R this M, start plan A.
6. Expose the A to friends and family. Shine the light.


It sounds like he's been in and out of this A for 2 years now, probably more in than out. He just went further underground. I suggest a tsumani of exposure, continue snooping, go into a short, intense Plan A and prepare for Plan B(if you want to try to save this M).

Where is your mindset? What do you want to do?

hi thankyou for the reply, what is a VAR? and where do i get it from?

i know you are probably right that he has been in and out of the A for nearlly 2 years, but how can i expose again with no proof??

i exposed to everyone the last time, friends, family, his friends and family and her friends

my inlaws accepted it even to the point they let them live in there house together so exposing again to them with no proof isnt going to do much...

and as for where my mind is, i have no idea, maybe im reading to much into it cause we are under stress and fighting over money aall the time, and i resent him sooo much that i dont even know if i still love him

and im scared of his threats that he says if i leave him, i honestly believe he will do them.. also he is the only man ive ever been with and all i know, we have been together since we were 15 years old... soo tto bee truffully honest i feel trapped

A VAR is a voice activated recorder. You can buy them at any place where they sell electronics.


We understand the feelings that you have and how scared you are right now. I understand that you feel like your world has come crashing down. It's what you do right now that will amaze yourself. If you really want to TRY to save your marriage, you have to learn as much as you can and implement the MB concepts and principals. You CAN do this.

Is he physically threatening you? Contact your nearest Women's Shelter for help. You need a getaway plan.

In the meantime, make copies of all important documents (Marriage license, birth certificates, a couple of years of tax returns, Social Security numbers, etc.) and stash them in a safe place away from the house (with a family member or a friend).

Start accumulating some money and stash it with your important documents.

Also, stash a few changes of clothes for you and your children with the papers, in case you have to suddenly leave your home.

Have an extra set of house/car keys made and hide them somewhere outside the house.

Keep your cellphone charged up and on your person at all times. Do not be afraid to dial 911 at the slightest abuse.

I would also keep a voice-activated recorder in my pocket or in a hidden place in the house to document his threats and any abuse.

We want to help you save your marriage, but not at the expense of your well-being, along with the well-being of your children.

He is not contrite. There is no transparency. He isnt even trying to talk the talk much less show you actions. You need to focus on your personal recovery.

From an outsiders point of view this looks really bad. Its only a matter of time before he does it again. He is cake eatting. He is using both of you when he feels like it.

Dr Harley promotes an immediate plan B on instances of abuse. Please consider this.

If its threats about legal problems you can be protected. You should consider an initial consultation with a divorce attorney. He can be forced to pay your legal fees. He can get thrown out the house. THese are real reprecussions that he may need to clear the fog. THese should be considered in your OVERALL plan.