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I guess the reason I shared the above information with you, is that I don't know if you have thought through how far their deviancy goes. And what you might have to go through to recover your marriage.
Have you thought this through that you even want to find proof?
I don't normally run around saying DIVORCE. But your case reminds me of Smiling Woman's situation and a couple of others here who got a whole lot healthier once they cut their losses.
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I have to tell you - your husband and his relationship with DB just creeps me out. I am creeped out too. It's all part of why I feel such a strong need to find out exactly what's going on.
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Have you thought this through that you even want to find proof?
I don't normally run around saying DIVORCE. But your case reminds me of Smiling Woman's situation and a couple of others here who got a whole lot healthier once they cut their losses. Yes. I know it's going to be more painful that I can ever imagine but I must get proof in order to move on. It's just something I need. Part of why I need proof is that I know that divorce is a probable outcome for me. Since I am able to file on grounds of adultery, I need proof of it.
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It looks like he actually borrowed his co-workers computer yesterday (I had thought the co-worker had his computer). He's back in the office today and the reports are being emailed to me. He's started texting with DB instead of emailing so I might be cut off. I can no longer get to his phone so I can't read the texts. Also, he wasn't where he said he would be (at least for part of the day). Looks like I may need to get a GPS for his car afterall because I have no clue where he was yesterday morning.
All this snooping is exhausting! I will be glad when this is over.
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Anne, why would he need to borrow his co-worker's computer? I'm reaching here, but do you think he did it because he wants to avoid having anything on his computer, should you eventually file and his stuff gets subpoena'd? You did say he was a lawyer.
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Anne, why would he need to borrow his co-worker's computer? I'm reaching here, but do you think he did it because he wants to avoid having anything on his computer, should you eventually file and his stuff gets subpoena'd? You did say he was a lawyer. He left his at work before we left for vacation. He needed a computer to work on for Monday but he wasn't going to be in the office. This co-worker lives nearby so he borrowed his. You're right, he might want to keep whatever he did off his computer yesterday. He's very careful about the computer. He's spending the day with DB tomorrow. He told me he has a meeting in the city we live near (he may or may not, I don't know) but I know he's spending the day (or at least some of it) with DB. He asked if I needed him to be home before rush hour so they must have some big plans for the day. He had some big plans for Friday night which are not out because my dad wants to come visit. None of this has been mentioned to me at all.
Last edited by anne505; 06/15/10 10:09 AM.
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I guess the reason I shared the above information with you, is that I don't know if you have thought through how far their deviancy goes. And what you might have to go through to recover your marriage.
Have you thought this through that you even want to find proof?
I don't normally run around saying DIVORCE. But your case reminds me of Smiling Woman's situation and a couple of others here who got a whole lot healthier once they cut their losses. I love that show KA. I will have to go find that episode. I am glad I am not just imagining things when I say Anne's WH reminds me of mine. Anne, I can't imagine that your WH borrowed a lap top and did anything on it he would mind others knowing. That part was probably innocent...as I was driving out of town yesterday I thought....Anne's WH didn't find the keylogger because if he did he would be changing his work email password...glad to see I was right! I think GPS is your next step.
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Anne, why would he need to borrow his co-worker's computer? I'm reaching here, but do you think he did it because he wants to avoid having anything on his computer, should you eventually file and his stuff gets subpoena'd? You did say he was a lawyer. He left his at work before we left for vacation. He needed a computer to work on for Monday but he wasn't going to be in the office. This co-worker lives nearby so he borrowed his. You're right, he might want to keep whatever he did off his computer yesterday. He's very careful about the computer. He's spending the day with DB tomorrow. He told me he has a meeting in the city we live near (he may or may not, I don't know) but I know he's spending the day (or at least some of it) with DB. He asked if I needed him to be home before rush hour so they must have some big plans for the day. He had some big plans for Friday night which are not out because my dad wants to come visit. None of this has been mentioned to me at all. Interesting....my WXH often used to spend time with the family....like vacation...and then come home and do something he shouldn't have been doing. Like he put in his 'time' with us and needed his fix elsewhere. Creepy.
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Anne, why would he need to borrow his co-worker's computer? I'm reaching here, but do you think he did it because he wants to avoid having anything on his computer, should you eventually file and his stuff gets subpoena'd? You did say he was a lawyer. He left his at work before we left for vacation. He needed a computer to work on for Monday but he wasn't going to be in the office. This co-worker lives nearby so he borrowed his. You're right, he might want to keep whatever he did off his computer yesterday. He's very careful about the computer. He's spending the day with DB tomorrow. He told me he has a meeting in the city we live near (he may or may not, I don't know) but I know he's spending the day (or at least some of it) with DB. He asked if I needed him to be home before rush hour so they must have some big plans for the day. He had some big plans for Friday night which are not out because my dad wants to come visit. None of this has been mentioned to me at all. Interesting....my WXH often used to spend time with the family....like vacation...and then come home and do something he shouldn't have been doing. Like he put in his 'time' with us and needed his fix elsewhere. Creepy. Sounds disturbingly familiar. In fact, "creepy" is probably the best word. I was that guy. If I could unravel and profoundly change, maybe there is hope for Anne's WH, too. All things are possible. I really believe that now. In fact, I am certain of it. But there has to be total destruction. There is no slow easy way about it. The sooner the better.
Last edited by GreenMile; 06/16/10 12:02 AM.
FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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If I could unravel and profoundly change, maybe there is hope for Anne's WH, too. All things are possible. I really believe that now. In fact, I am certain of it. But there has to be total destruction. There is no slow easy way about it. The sooner the better. I'm losing hope every day. I found out that he told me he was working on Monday and spent the day with Dirtbag (he told him he had a day off). I'm getting so tired of this. I think I'm going to call a divorce attorney to see what my options are.
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You shouldn't lose hope until you have confronted him and busted him and see if his fog lifts and he is willing to start working.
FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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If I could unravel and profoundly change, maybe there is hope for Anne's WH, too. All things are possible. I really believe that now. In fact, I am certain of it. But there has to be total destruction. There is no slow easy way about it. The sooner the better. I'm losing hope every day. I found out that he told me he was working on Monday and spent the day with Dirtbag (he told him he had a day off). I'm getting so tired of this. I think I'm going to call a divorce attorney to see what my options are. What did they spend the day doing? I definitely think you need to consult an attorney...even if you decide to repair the marriage you need to know what your options are. And the attorney will probably have a PI name to give you....A good PI could find out stuff quickly that is taking you months to uncover. For instance....if you had a PI you could have had your WH followed today.
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For you Anne, you may or may not get the proof that you feel you need to confront him. But if you follow marriage builders for yourself, at some point in the future, you will become mentally tough enough to say proof doesn't matter. "I'm not happy with the sneaky deceitful NATURE of my husband" will be all you need to throw the switch and decide that your husband's character warrants Plan B, where he can choose reformation, which will include final and permanent no contact with Dirtbag, open access to his computer and cell phone and everything that he has in order to preserve his relationship with you. You will be able to look him in the eye and say, "I FEEL deceived - your actions make me feel UNSAFE and it's up to you to prove your innocence by changed actions - I don't have to prove anything to you."
Wouldn't that place be liberating to you in your situation?
You're so close to that already.
I hope you choose to stay and work this kind of a plan. Anne, I think KA's above post bears reposting. Especially the part I've made red....I know you want proof....and I hope you get it. But KA is right....with or without proof you can and WILL get to the above point.
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What did they spend the day doing? I definitely think you need to consult an attorney...even if you decide to repair the marriage you need to know what your options are. And the attorney will probably have a PI name to give you....A good PI could find out stuff quickly that is taking you months to uncover. For instance....if you had a PI you could have had your WH followed today. They went to the casino. They also made plans to go to dinner and a strip club Friday night (as WH put it, "I need a naked woman to sit on my lap."). Those plans were put on hold since my father decided to come visit. I am going to see an attorney in the next few weeks. I think I know which one I want to use. I just need to find someone to watch my kids.
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What did they spend the day doing? I definitely think you need to consult an attorney...even if you decide to repair the marriage you need to know what your options are. And the attorney will probably have a PI name to give you....A good PI could find out stuff quickly that is taking you months to uncover. For instance....if you had a PI you could have had your WH followed today. They went to the casino. They also made plans to go to dinner and a strip club Friday night (as WH put it, "I need a naked woman to sit on my lap."). Those plans were put on hold since my father decided to come visit. I am going to see an attorney in the next few weeks. I think I know which one I want to use. I just need to find someone to watch my kids. Yeah he is definitely living two very different lives. Ug. I know all about finding someone to watch your child/children when needing to take care of business you don't want them to mention...it is hard...
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Anne, I think KA's above post bears reposting. Especially the part I've made red....I know you want proof....and I hope you get it. But KA is right....with or without proof you can and WILL get to the above point. Yes, I agree. But I know I need to get to the point where I will be strong enough not to believe his lies which is why I want proof so badly. As stupid as it sounds, I don't trust myself not to fall for his lies. I've loved and trusted this man for 20 years. I'm afraid of what might happen if I confront without knowing more. He's such a good liar and I'm afraid I might start to second guess myself. Which would play right into his hand and put me in an even worse situation that I'm currently in.
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Yeah he is definitely living two very different lives. Yes, he is and it's making me sick. I know all about finding someone to watch your child/children when needing to take care of business you don't want them to mention...it is hard... With the kids out of school, I don't have as much freedom so I need to plan more carefully. They have camp starting in July so I will have more flexibility and can meet with a lawyer then. I know that's what I need to do no matter what. I would rather have a good idea of what my options are before I confront him. I really want to get that meeting set up but I've waited this long, what a few more weeks, huh?
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To him, you are a brood mare. He will dump you once the foals are older unless you reverse this now. Raging independent behavior and arrogance. I know this type very, very well. You need to establish yourself as the lead mare. You have to kick him, and kick him now...hard. Get a PI and see your attorney. But careful with the attorney. They know divorce, only. To a hammer, every problem is a nail. MB can recover this thing and put you in the driver's seat. You will get better advice from this program.
FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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They also made plans to go to dinner and a strip club Friday night (as WH put it, "I need a naked woman to sit on my lap. Oh Anne, this is heartbreaking. NO husband should *ever* feel a need to say this, unless he's talking about his own wife!
Last edited by OurHouse; 06/16/10 12:21 PM.
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To him, you are a brood mare. He will dump you once the foals are older unless you reverse this now. Raging independent behavior and arrogance. I know this type very, very well. You need to establish yourself as the lead mare. You have to kick him, and kick him now...hard. Get a PI and see your attorney. But careful with the attorney. They know divorce, only. To a hammer, every problem is a nail. MB can recover this thing and put you in the driver's seat. You will get better advice from this program. Not sure there is any hope for us at all. I'm losing hope every day. Seeing the attorney is only for me to know what my options are finacially, etc. I am a stay at home mom so a divorce will have a major effect on my life. I'd like to know what I'm getting into so I know my options before I confront him.
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