I am new here and looking for some advice. My husband of 13 yrs had an affair with someone he met at the gym. I knew the other woman. Now with that being said we have been trying to work on our marriage. When i originally found out about the affair i told him to stop all contact with her and he did(or so i thought) after gaining access to cell phone records i found out contact continued for 6 months longer. So total affair time about a year. The OW left the state and married her fiance so she is no longer here. So the affair has been over now for about 6 months. I am having alot of trouble with resentment. How do i get over comparing myself to her? How do I believe anything he says? And how do i get past the images in my head?

He says the affair is over and I have done alot of investigating and have found no more contact. I even called her new husband and informed him of the affair because she was still coming into town and cheating with my husband after she was married. They both say it is over but deep down i am having a hard time believing it. I mean thats what they said before and they were still in contact. Just wish I could get past all the doubt.

Rumrunner, first, I am sorry you've found it necessary to come here. But here you are, and here you will find the best help there is.

Have you read the Basic Concepts and Dr. Harley's articles on How to Survive an Affair? If you have not, it's the first thing you should do, as the help you receive here will be less than useful until you do.

ItiIS possible to recover your marriage, but it takes a PLAN and a lot of hard work. You will need to study up on the Carrot & Stick of "Plan A" and the follow-up of "Plan B."

If you think you have been "investigating," be prepared to do some REAL sleuthing! For now, DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND OF THIS SITE. We will advise you on how to determine the current status of the affair, how to expose it in a nuclear fashion, and how to determine the top Emotional Needs and how to meet them.

You will be advised to get and read one or more of Dr. Harley's books. Surviving An Affair is the logical first one, but you might also look into His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters. Note, this is NOT an attempt to sell books (many can be found at your local library). This is an attempt to get you up to speed as quickly as possible.

There are many veterans here who have recovered their marriages from the hell of an affair. Let them.

It's hard, painful and emotional work. But if you want to recover your marriage, it's worth it. And you should start now!

Welcome to MB.
Sorry you need to be here.

Question:
How has your WH (wayward husband) been treating you?
What ACTIONS has WH taken to protect the marriage from further damage?
Please note, I did not ask what sort of things WH says, but instead, I asked what ACTIONS he has taken.

Has he offered complete transparency?
In other words, do you have access to his phone, texts, emails, financials ?
Has WH resisted being open and honest with you?

Good luck!

Does WH continue to go to the gym without you?
That should cease immediately.
Either you go to the gym together, or he drops it entirely.

How do you think WH would respond to that particular precaution request?

These two sentences concern me. So, she leaves town and gets married. Okay, big sigh of relief because there will be no contact, right? WRONG. She has returned to continue the A after leaving the area and getting married.

You need to do some heavy-duty snooping, rum. How were they able to contact each other in order to arrange their rendezvous? Cell? Track the records. If you don't see anything - if it looks "too" clean, look for a hidden, second cell phone (affair phone.) Check his car.

Get a VAR and put it in his car. Get a keylogger and install it on the computer he uses.

NC has got to be confirmed before you can start rebuilding your M.

Great job exposing to the OWH, by the way. He will be an ally for you. See if you can establish a rapport with him in order to compare notes. For example, if your H is "going fishing" for the day, or whatever, call the OWH to make sure OW is with him. If she's mysteriously gone for the day, .

Do not tell your WH you are doing any of this, and do not tell him about this site. Speaking of this site, read the articles on here. They will help explain how to kill this A for sure, and how to rebuild your M.

I have read the basic concepts and most of the articles on this site and many others and i will get any book needed. I will also take any advice that is given. I will say that i feel lost right now. I thought my husband and I were happy and working for the same goals. Obviously not.

My husband is treating me much better now this is such a long story and i feel like you all are only getting part of it. The affair started in Sept of 08 and continued until sept of 09. Now I found out about the affair in july of 09 at which point i was of coarse irate and went through all the "crazy" stages. I insisted that the he cease all contact. then i went snooping. I have always had access to financial records just didn't pay much attention until the affair. then i found out he had a po box another bank account and basically another life. I worked afternoons so of coarse he had time to spend with her. In Feb the OW married her fiance and moved to Arkansas which basically is only about 6 hrs away.

After the OW left i then gained access to cell phone records and found out they were still contacting each other so that's when i contacted her new husband who by the way called my husband to tell him that i had made contact. Needless to say the OWH will not speak to me again. I have seached his car and ruined the computer at home so he can't use it. I have searched the computer he uses for work and still found nothing. I even had the OW add me to her facebook account using another name so i know when she is in town. and since the contact with her husband i have found no contact with mine.

My husband has since quit the gym that they used to meet at but he did join a different one. He does still go by himself on days when i have to work but on my days off i go with him. I don't believe he would quit the gym entirely (sad but I don't I did however get him to quit that particular one)

The po box and other account he was using have both been closed, he quit that particular gym and gave me access to the cell phone records. I have always had access to the bank account that we shared together. I also have access to his cell phone now. I mean I can't say he hasn't made some attempt to squash some of my doubt. However, the fact that she was still coming into town about every two weeks to see him really bothers me. How can I believe anything he says? I exposed her to her husband however I don't believe he will talk with me anymore.

I do not understand why the OWH would not wish to continue to talk to you. You would think he would want to make sure that his new wife was not continuing to screw around on him. I feel very sorry for him. He marries a woman and she immediately cheats on him. My question is if he believed you or not. Did he go into denial or accept that she was indeed cheating on him. Why would he not wish to monitor her behavior by calling you and staying in contact? What did he say when he called your husband? What did your husband say to him? Did your husband admit it to him or did he lie to him trying to make you seem as a crazy woman. Something just does not seem right here. Good luck.

And i have to say at first he was very resistent to being open and honest but he seems to have opened up in the last few months. Now either they have become very good at covering tracks or the no contact has worked. I have searched for a different phone and did not find any evidence. I did find and have since had closed a po box and another bank account. I do not have and cannot have access to his work computer. He has a laptop that he uses for work and i have snooped on it. I haven't found any evidence of contact for 5 months now. I have access to his work email from his phone and still have found nothing new. I do not know if they are calling each other at work however. With all this snooping i feel just as deceitful sometimes as he was guess thats normal tho.

When my husband talked to the owh he admitted everything told him it was a big mistake and that it never should have happened. the owh mainly wanted an appology and i too feel sorry for him they hadn't even been married a year and she was cheating. The owh says that he is going to try couseling and try to make it work with her. The otw had suspected the affair also and did believe me when i talked to him. He at first said we would stay in contact but now says he just wants to move on and wants no further contact.

I guess i just don't know where to go from here. I have searched and searched and have found no new evidence of contact so why can't i believe its over. Maybe i will never believe it. Damn i can't imagine living like this. He says he loves me and wants to be with me and wants the marriage to work. But damn i've heard that before. I find it so hard to believe that i have been with this man for 13 years together for 16 and i never even knew him. So now where to I go from here?

I would put the onus on him to earn your trust. What can he do to earn your trust? Do you still work evenings? Would you be willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness and trust?

See, the biggest mistake with most betrayed spouses is that they set the bar SO LOW for their waywards that the WS just lives down to their expectations. Most waywards just want to sweep everything under the rug so the problem never really goes away. However, when the BS sets the bar HIGH, they win no matter what. Because the WS either lives up to that standard or he leaves. So the BS wins no matter what. If the WS leaves because he won't live up those standards, then the BS has lost nothing and is better off without him.

If I were in your shoes, I would go to him and tell him you are willing to stay in this marriage and give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness if he does certain things - if he won't do those things, then you need to consider other options:

1. open up his life completely to you - complete transparency. He should prove to you that he is not in contact with this skank ho. List out the ways he could do this

2. change his life so this does not happen again. If he is trolling for ho's at the gym, he should quit the gym. end all opposite sex friendships and spend all of his leisure time with you

3. participate in a recovery program [MB basic concepts] that is designed to create romantic love

Go read this article, RR, about Just Compensation adn you will see what I mean: here

I would also ask him to take a lie detector test to establish his innocence. If he has truly ended contact he should welcome the opportunity.

Thank you for the much needed advice. No I no longer work evenings and my schedule has completely changed giving me more time at home with him and the children. And you are right I am afraid that I have set the bar too low. Our most recent fight was about just that, him spending too much time away at the gym. I told him I was done with that either he curbed his need to constantly hang out there and spend time with me and the children or I was done. Which he has done. So yes I am willing to give him the opportunity to earn my trust back I just guess it's gonna be a long recovery process.

I forgot to mention that I have known the OW since she was 12 yrs old she is now 39 my H is 40 and I am 43. I have 4 beautiful children who do not know of the affair.

Is she married? If so, her husband needs to be told. Any close family or friends should be told also so that the OW does not end up in your circle.

It is a good idea to tell your children about the affair. Giving kids false explanations for the tension in your family teaches them dishonesty. Not to mention that most children of serial cheaters stumble across the affairs. This is very confusing to kids when the adults are silent about it.