Hey SS2,

Delighted to see you back, im so glad for you that your are getting over H, he was no good for you, you deserve so much better, and your new friend is a fine looking man if you dont mind me saying

One year ago today, my ex-husband filed for divorce. The night before he told me how happy he was that we were recovering our marriage and asked me if I wanted to leave the country with him for work. I was excited to be leaving the state that the infidelity has occurred. I remember feeling like he ripped my heart out of my chest when I discovered his true intentions. I remember thinking that the betrayal of giving up on the marriage cut deeper than his infidelity. The next couple of months were surreal as we prepared to part ways. Total disbelief describes my mind-set at the time.

It has been a year and I am ok today -good most of the time in fact. I only remember the day because it is my mother's birthday. I remember ordering flowers for my mother and wondering why my ex-husband was so distant that day. I knew something was very wrong. He didn't want to tell me because we had plans for the 4th of July and if I didn't get served before the weekend, he didn't want to ruin the weekend. We were still living in the same household. We still spent the holiday weekend together. I was in shock.

Looking back, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be to change courses. Yes, there was a few months of nightly crying but it passed. I managed to accomplish the unimaginable. I survived without my ex and am doing well. I have come out of my own fog with respect to my ex. I'm no longer missing him or the constant wondering that was part of my daily existence with him -Who's he with? Where is he? What is he doing? Why? Why? Why?.

I am moving on with my life. The only direction that I am considering is forward. My eyes are wide open and they are dry. No tears today.

I love you SS2. I love the way that you have dealt with this chapter in your life and the way that you share and give others hope of a better future. Your self belief is inspirational.

Staytogether

Had a lovely uneventful weekend. Spent plenty of time outdoors after work. Hiked around the neighborhood hills with my guy, watched some Nascar and ordered a pizza on Saturday night. Sunday, we went fishing for a couple of hours until sundown. Didn't get even a nibble during fishing but it was a beautiful afternoon. We are going to lighter tackle next time we fish! Went to dinner afterwards. Working at home today and getting laundry and cleaning done. I enjoy the normalcy that I am settling into.

I also wanted to note something about UA time. I know that many people in established marriages have a hard time meeting the UA time requirements. I am starting over again and my relationship is new (dating my guy since Feb). UA time at this point is really easy. I have explained the UA time principles to my guy. He knows that when we are together, I won't be on the computer surfing or on my phone texting. It is his time. If I want to run errands, he wants to run them with me. He opens doors, carries bags, and pumps the gas for my car. If I want to go for a walk, he wants to go with me and hold my hand. We watch tv together and it doesn't matter what we watch. The snuggling is more important. We have our meals face to face and talk to each other about our day and our work. If I want to go fishing, he is there carrying my pole and tying my hooks. I cook meals for him and he raves about my cooking. He often helps and offers to clean up. When the guys at work want to go out for a drink after work, he declines and rushes to see me instead. He is usually at my door 7 minutes after work. Sometimes he sneaks out early because he can't wait. It is effortless in both directions. It is very easy to be nice to him and think about what would make him happy. The trick at this point is to see if it will last and to make sure that I don't mess this up with lovebusters or getting lazy about ENs.

SS2 i am so glad to hear of your progress. And the fact that it was 1 year is probably why you even thought about it at all.

It sounds as though you and your new man are meeting all of those MB things like ENs and UA.

Like you said though the key is to continue to do it ALL the time so it becomes a habit.

Hope you have a great day today.

SC

Thanks SC. You have a great day too!

Even with UA time and meeting ENs, dating is hard. My new guy has some pretty big flaws. They are big ones for me and not likely to change. I don't know how to even say this without sounding really arrogant.

I don't think he is very book smart. I feel guilty for even saying it out loud. His math skills are elementary. He can't figure percentages, or fractions. He doesn't know what 10% of 100 is. He doesn't know the meaning of many words that I frequently use. We could play word games and I could teach him more words though. He doesn't know basic historical events. So, I rent movies that have historical themes and we talk about the plots. Politics? Don't get me started. He didn't pay attention in school because he was focused on working at an early age. He worked in his family business from 16 to 36 and always thought that he would be in that line of work until retirement. He learned the family business and ran his dad's business very successfully. His father had promised him the business. His father changed his mind and my guy had to start over again. He still does well at work in his line of business. He has street smarts. He has people smarts. Book smarts - not so much.

A bigger issue for me is the fact that he is very judgemental. If a girl wears a skimpy outfit he makes really rude comments about her. I feel like defending the girls in short skirts. He just gets ruder. He is always ready for a debate. I have been known to dress skimpily and this makes me uncomfortable. I have thrown out clothes that he said were too revealing to wear to work because I did not feel comfortable around him. Then he complained that I got rid of the outfits. He wants me to be modest when we are apart but dress skimpy when we are together. I don't feel comfortable doing that. I want to dress appropriately for whatever I am doing. He also makes racial comments regularly which is weird because he has friends of all colors. I really hate it though. It is a complete turnoff for me.

He finds me very critical because of the way that I have expressed my concerns and doubts about our future. He says that nobody has ever criticized him as much as I have. I feel the same way. He is very open to the MB principles and we are trying to remove the DJs and other lovebusters. It is hard for me.

I know that differences in intelligence and values are challenges that are not likely to be overcome by more UA time or meeting of ENs. I am still dating him and hoping for the best because he has sooo many really great qualities too. His negative qualities are probably dealbreakers for me though unless they change which is unfair to expect. I don't want to fix anybody. I want it to work because I think that he would be faithful and wants to make me happy. I am happy most of the time. He has put up with my mood swings. He says that we can overcome anything. He says that there is nothing that we can't work out together. He wants to take care of me and protect me from anything that will make me unhappy. People like him. My family likes him. Sometimes, I just don't like him very much though. Other times, I am grateful to have someone so patient and loving in my life. I'm just not sure.

Saw some references to Myers Brigg personality testing on another thread and was curious. According to the test, I am ESTJ.
type score type behavior motivation
1 27 I must be perfect and good to be happy.
8 23 I must be strong and in control to be happy.
6 19 I must be secure and safe to be happy.
9 18 I must maintian a peaceful and easygoing environment to be happy.
2 15 I must be helpful and caring to be happy.
7 15 I must be high and entertained to be happy.


So, I'm a perfectionist that wants to be in control. Maybe I could work on the criticism? Lol at myself.

I'd be wary of trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole too much. But if it's just perspective and communication styles, that can be worked on and learned.

I don't have a problem with his peg...
Sorry, couldn't resist.

He came over to see me at lunch and told me that he wanted to work on being less judgemental. He admitted that his "mouth" is his biggest challenge. He tries so hard to be a good man. I am willing to take the time to get to know him better and see where it goes.

SS2 i worry that you may be in a hurry to "have a relationship".

I can not possibly even begin to imagine what you have been through as i have been married to my one and only husband for 25 years now (we celebrated our silver on June 29th ).

But maybe you still need more time to figure out who SS2 is and what she wants. If you are already seeing things in this man that bother you this much then maybe he is not the "one" for you. Maybe it is as you say just a communication thing and can be worked through. Either way you have to make sure that you are not just worried about "being alone".

As i said i can not even begin to imagine what that would be like but i think you need to make sure that you can "be alone" before you are "in a relationship", if that makes any sense at all .......

I am taking it one day at a time. He is a good friend to me. He also is completely aware of my ambivalence and hesitation. I have been completely honest with him regarding my feelings. He wants to continue dating me. I want to continue dating him too. I told him about the things that bother me and he has completely stopped - for now. Time will tell if it is something that truly improves. I am willing to give him the time. He is willing to work on this with me. I bring a lot of skepticism to this. Something tells me to give him a shot though.

SS2

Give him a 2nd try, but be careful and keep things in perspective!!

I am cheering for you!!!

Dawn

That sounds like the advice that I just gave you.

Ok then, nevermind a word i said !! It sounds as though you have been thinking this through.

I say give him another try too. As long as you are honest with yourself and him then that is all you can ask for !

I tend to think that life is too short to be dating someone who is a "project" or needs work or is on a totally different level of intellect than you.

As I always say, for every day you are dating Mr. Wrong, you are missing out on a day's worth of chances of meeting Mr. Right.

If you say you have no reserves right now for a serious relationship and just want to have some fun, why invest more time and energy into a complicated 5+ month relationship, instead of just dating around?

AGG

Thanks for the input. Currently, I am not looking for Mr. Right/Perfect. I'm not really interested in dating around either at the moment. I don't mind that I might be missing out on Mr. Right. I'm not sure I want Mr. Right. Most days, I enjoy my guy and his company. He is Mr. Right For Now. I'm still not over my divorce. He might end up being Mr. Right later. He is thoughtful and sweet 99% of the time. Today is my birthday. He has brought me roses, balloons, a very nice card, and a nice bottle of wine. We are both off today and are going to spend the day out today (doing whatever I want). I'm feeling spoiled and I like it.

Sounds like things must have turned around quite a bit in the past 5 days or so...

I just hope that you don't use him as a crutch to help you get over your divorce and heal, then dump him because of all the incompatibilites you listed earlier.

AGG