It is sad to be here, but thanks for reading and contributing your advices. Sorry for my english, I know it is sometimes incorrect (but try hard to improve).

I am confused about the directions and actions I should take and I would very much appreciate any help. Here is an overview of my situation:

I am a 45 yo man, married for 12 years, 3 wonderful children (8, 8 and 4 years old, yes the first two are twins). I lecture at University.

She WS is 42, quite attractive. She works in banking fulltime. She earns a better living than I do.

A(ffair) started about a year ago (perhaps as far as January 2009 or as late as May 2009, difficult to tell from evidence gathered)

A(ffair) got discovered 15 September 2009 after a phone call to my house from OM's devastated Wife. OM is a coworker in a different city. They had to travel together to meet clients in other places. Too bad I was totally confident in my wife. I even met him when in my city a couple of times.

Previously I had been suspicious for the whole summer. She paid immense attention to her work Blackberry and was texting any time including weekends. She would try to hide when texting or at least pretend to be normal e-mailing to friends, work ...

I confronted her 2 times around August. I was sincere and polite but firm in saying that her behaviour was not normal in a loving wife. That I did not believe she had had anything physical yet but she was in the edge of it and should confide to me to find her way out. She replied it was just a professional relationship that had gone 'out of control' but did nothing.

One day in early September, after her return from a business trip with OM she said that business had been fruitless that time and on top of that OMW had gone to their hotel and while OM was asking for her phone charger at her room (! now I feel SO NAIVE) she had shown up knocking at the door, making a scene and having a terible fit. 'You know, it was such an embarrassement, they are going through problems and they may divorce etc ...'

I then realized something really bad was going on. A week later the OMW made her phone call to our home while WS was at work. She explained me the whole scene. She had not had the opportunity to see them in bed because they did not open the door. At first I did not believe her but after a few phone conversations, and a searh of WW's credit card records I discover enough evidence to the A.

I was shocked for about 2 weeks during which I tried to spy on her even following her in her trips to see it with my own bare eyes (it is amazing how we want to deceive ourselves when the truth is so evident). At the begining of October on our return trip from a weekend in a friends house in the coast I confronted her with the evidence in the car (not bills or so, just with the phone call of the OMW who pretended that had gathered information with the help of a PI). During the weekend I gave her her birthdays present.

During our conversation in the car I said I had no other choice but divorce, she burst out in tears and said she loved me and had never had sex with the OM. I asked if not even kisses and she admitted to having kissed him. We did not exchange almost a word in the next two days.

Then she went on a business trip by car and had a total loss accident in the highway without any serious consequences to her fortunately. I was at the doctor with my old father when I got her phone call while she was in the ambulance. I got a car and drove to her hospital about 150 miles away. I found her at the hospital hall in a wheel chair with some scars and a cervical collar but had been discharged. I took her to a hotel we had dinner in the room and she asked me for hugs and we made love.

After that she changed her habits and tried to be more affectionate. We had very nice Christmas time and did not talk much about the A.

In the meanwhile I asked for advice to a priest and a lawyer. Recently I also consulted a psycologist about the consequences of divorce for children. To my surprise none of them is against divorce. Rather the opposite ! But I still feel indebted to my little ones and I see divorce as a human tragedy for too many people (my parents are divorced and I know what I mean).

The problem is that I can not avoid resentment. I wake up at night (like today) and have problems to sleep and to focus at work. The A comes once and again to my mind.

Furthermore in the meanwhile (around January) my wife got promoted to director of the local office. Her company is restructuring after a merger and many lay-offs are taking place. However she has been lucky and got promoted.

I knew she must have been in contact with the OM because of business issues. WW asked for another person as fund manager and this apparently takes some time specially during the turmoil of the company merger.

She cut her business trips with the OM. She goes on business trips but either she goes alone or with a different fund manager (at least the is what she says).

OM risked also loosing his job in the company merger but apparently he has been lucky too because he has been also promoted.
I explain this because last Saturday morning I had gone shopping and run into my wife by chance in the street. She was on the phone and quickly hanged explaining that she was talking to some friend. By the expression of her face I knew she was talking to the OM. He phoned back in seconds and she hanged again saying 'I call you later' calling him another name than his. I got angry and left. Later on while having dinner she explained me that she was discussing with him about his promotion etc...

I made clear to her that she CANNOT have any contact whith the OM in her life if she wants thing to go back to normal (I outlined the ideas of Dr. Harley regarding Infidelity). She said she understands it and she is doing her best to swift managers as quickly as possible. She said she knows I won't trust her any longer but she wants to stay married to me because she loves me and wants the family to be OK.

The problem is I sometimes can not put up with it. Like tonight. I woke up, stayed in bed thinking about this nightmare over and over and finally I decided to post.

One more thing: I have never disclosed the A to anybody (other than a priest, a lawyer and psycologist). I think once I expose it I have no other choice but divorce. My family will bust her, my friends will do the same and then I will not have any control over it any longer.

Any advice ? Thank you for reading

Since you have a lot of the lingo down, you must KNOW what advice you are going to be given. YOU MUST EXPOSE THIS AFFAIR. You already knew this. That's why you wrote that you hadn't in your last paragraph. I am sorry that you are here, welcome to MB.

Charles,

I am sorry you are in this situation and feel badly for you and your family. But in my mind, MB is the best place for good, practical advice.

Scotland is right. You know the A is continuing. They are contacting each other at work and right in front of you. The A must be exposed at work. There is a thread on exposure. You should read it.

I know the vets will be here soon with advice. In the meantime, read, read, read the articles and information on this site.

Best wishes.

AM

Charles,

You will NOT recover when there is contact, ANY contact. She will have to find another job.

Why do you feel that if you tell your family you will have to D? Exposure is the greatest tool a BS has to break up the A.

You need to get honesty otherwise you may never recover. See Josephs letter in the first section. From your description, it certain sounds as if the affair became PA.

Have your Missus do a polygraph test. She also needs to leave her place of employment. There must be a no contact letter with OM. Keep contact with OM's wife. Both of you must install keyloggers onto their computers.

I understand you financial situation. I am a lecturer at college and know how little they pay compared to the outside world. Fortunately the business pressure is not quite as demanding as private industry. My wife is a SAHM and we survive.

Quickly, I am at work:

1. Thank you all so much for posting your help.

2. Sorry I had to change my 'occupation' and 'country of residence' after I realized it is super easy to find my post when Googling.

3. The affair has been exposed by the OM' wife. She told her friends and family etc... They started legal advice for divorce but then apparently he asked her to remain by his side and asked for a chance. Then, after the exposure (back in November 2009) I said her my farewell and wished her the best in her marriage.

4. I am sure it was a PA, what else could it be ? I do not know about women but I know what a man expects from an affair and OM is surely not an exception.

5. There is no way I can install a key logger. Both are using their work Blackberries which are intrinsically 'secure' devices (they may be broken but there may be legal issues bcause they are enterprise owned machines)

6. If she quits her job our finacial situation is at great stake. I bet this would even worsen things because she loves spending. Looking for another job is extremely difficult in the present situation. As I posted there have been lay-offs in her company.

7. If my family and friends get to know about it they will go mad on her and then on me if I suggest to stay married with her. The fact is my only reason to stay are the children. I find them completely innocent victims of this situation.

For all those reasons I feel deadlocked. Thus I posted. Simple eh ?

My sincere thanks again,

Charles

Both she and you need to be honest in marriage. She needs to expose her guilt to you and God. You need to communicate the concern in your heart for continuing the marriage under these conditions.

Divorcing for the sake of adultery has nothing to do with friends and neighbors. The choice is yours and NOT theirs. God understands.

There seems to be a second issue of expenditure. This is a problem with humility. Maybe this is also why she does not want to be separated from you.

Please arrange that you can read from her blackberry at ANY time. There should be no reason to disallow this. Do not warn her that you are going to check it, just do it.

Your children did not ask to be placed in an unhappy marriage. You need to fix this. Show them what a happy marriage is...

Actually it is quite simple Charles, if you want to TRY to save your marriage, you need to take some SIMPLE steps.

You use the excuse that if your WW quits that your finances will suffer. What is going to happen to your finances when she leaves you and you get D? How will you fair then?

You need your family's and friends' support. That is ONE of the MANY reasons to expose. Don't worry, it is absolutely NORMAL to struggle with this at the beginning. You knew when you posted that first one that you were going to be told to expose the affair and that your WW would have to quit her job.

So are you ready to expose this? Who are you going to include on your list? When are you going to do this?

Ask for complete transparency with her phone, comp....put a gps in her car.....voice ativated recorder, snoop to make sure there isn't anymore contact....
Go to marriage counsceling together.
exposure is the only way, it's not as much fun for her if she knows she is hurting people out in the open and that she will have to be accountable for her actions to others......
She will be mad....yes......can she get some kind of transfer in her company....
Can she work from home?
How old are you kids?
Just be the best guy you can be so when she compares the two of you, you will come out on top

Charles, the other responders have given you great advice. I'll just add a few things.

1. The A was most likely a PA, which means your WW is likely blatantly lying to you about its scope.

2. That she tried to hide the OM's call from you suggests that she is continuing to hide things from you.

3. There is no rule that states you MUST recover your your M when your spouse has cheated. In fact, divorce is a perfectly logical and perhaps even the preferable option in a situation where you're involved with a dishonest spouse. I remember reading somewhere that the divorce rate is just over 70% for Ms where the W committed adultery. I've also read that many men tend to regret the decision to recover the M after getting over the initial crisis that "D-Day" brings, when they finally come to terms with what happened. I suggest checking into the laws in your area wrt divorce, to give yourself an idea of what you might be in for if you choose that path.

4. One thing's for certain though - if you do choose to try to recover your M, there's little chance that you'll be successful if your WW is still in contact with the OM. As it's clear she can't be trusted to break it off on her own, you need to "step up" and apply appropriate pressure. Exposure is one of the best means of doing this.

A Blackberry can not be hacked. Perhaps a professional could find his way into it but even if hacked the Company Server runs auditing software in the background and would report the intrusion in a matter of hours (at most). Only if She AGREES to let me in (gives me the password) then I can read the messages, phone calls etc... but then the surprise factor is lost. This would only make her more cautious or find alternative ways of communicating with the OM.

Divorcing has to do with friends & family. If I expose and I divorce then I will have done the right thing in their view (which is also mine, save for the side effects on my CHILDREN).
If I expose and stay married to her they all will think I am a wimp. Moreover it will be very difficult to meet friends and family in her presence (anniversaries, children's parties, Christmas etc..). They will simply not deal with her but loathe her. In fact I would do the same in their position.

As regards financial situation if we divorce/separate the 'family' would still enjoy the two incomes. If she quits working there will only be one income (and the least of the two) what can aggravate problems. There is no point in moving or transferring within the company, they already live in different cities (about 170 mi away).

In fact I do not think the A is still going. I am very much inclined to belive it is over (the OM's wife is surely keeping a strict watch on him as I do). The problem lies in myself. I feel used and abused and do not think I have had 'Just Compensation' (in Dr. Harley's words). I find it extremely unfair that she got away with this.

It's kind of she (unwittingly) benefits from the shield of our children because I refrain myself from going further for the sake of their happiness. That is all.

Excuse me, I am sorry for dumping my thoughts and miseries right to you all while I am a stranger.

If you refuse to expose your WW's A she IS getting away with it, and YOU are aiding and abetting her.

Why would you make it so easy for her to destroy your family by helping keep her dirty little secret???

Charles,

There is no chance for recovery because your wife continues to lie to you about being physical with the OM and clearly has no problem staying in contact with him. I would strongly suggest the following:
1. Tell her you are setting up a polygraph test to find out how long she has been physical with him and how long she was able to lie to you about it. Many times just the treat of the polygraph will make the cheating spouse confess the truth.
2. She has put your health at great risk for STD's. You both need to be tested immediately. This is non negotiable.

You cannot have any chance at recovery until your wife is honest with you and stops lying to you. She cannot be allowed to feel that she got away with lying because her husband was so foolish as to believe all of her lies. There must be consequences to her actions. Please follow the above mentioned suggestions. Her actions and continued actions clearly show that she has no respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.

I think all BS's feel that the WS got away with something, and we do think about other people thinking we don't value ourselves because we didn't leave them for treating us with disrespect......My hubby feels regret but knows that he because of what he chose to do in this marriage has changed things forever between us....
He is free to go if he wants and he now knows that this is his choice alone and has nothing to do with me.........just like his affair was......
Someone in the relationship has to be the strong one and find forgiveness and because of who I am I've chosen that route, this is who I am and I just wouldn't feel right if I didn't at least try.....
This way if in the end it doesn't work because I can't work through all the pain and disappointment I feel then at least I know I tried and just didn't bail when times were tough......
If they walk away because of who they are and what they think then so be it...
If they think that life without us is better for them then so be it.....
They have to live with themselves and what they have done in the past.....and how they destroyed life as we have know it for a life without trust and honesty......It won't be easy for them either........

Thank you all for your advice and support.

Among all the contributions I have had the pleasure to read and there is a particular one by ManinMotion bullet No. 3, which makes me feel more comfortable with my own perception on the subject:

''
There is no rule that states you MUST recover your your M when your spouse has cheated. In fact, divorce is a perfectly logical and perhaps even the preferable option in a situation where you're involved with a dishonest spouse. I remember reading somewhere that the divorce rate is just over 70% for Ms where the W committed adultery. I've also read that many men tend to regret the decision to recover the M after getting over the initial crisis that "D-Day" brings, when they finally come to terms with what happened. I suggest checking into the laws in your area wrt divorce, to give yourself an idea of what you might be in for if you choose that path.''

Of course the contributions by Scotty (I've read many posts by her, what a strong woman!), imagine, jessytaylor, armymama, MicheleG, SydneyT, Bryanp
have helped much to cast light and see the truth in my particular situation.

In my case Exposure equals D and that is exactly what I am going after. I am meeting my attorney this afternoon.

As said, thank you very much indeed. My best wishes to you all,

Charles

Blackberries have a BB to BB text application. These texts do not show up on bills or accounts. They are impossible to get without a court order. I know; I tried.

If she has one and he has one, they can be in constant contact and you and the company they work for will not have evidence, unless she forgets to delete it.