Thanks mb, it sounded great lol!

I NEED to regroup. I NEED to get back on track here. I'm just falling apart and it's not good for anything.

Thanks for reading my vents. Is that letter something I could show him, or is that a LB? (I mean, taking out the part about knowing what he wrote to himself).

No, don't give it to him. Once he sees it you can't take it back, KWIM? Just hang on to your thoughts. You can give it to him later if you really needed to. After all the fog and dust settles.

{{{{{Newpetals}}}}}}}

Thanks everyone. I was just sitting here thinking about old songs that I grew up listening to, and how even back in the 60s, adultery was glorified. There's that old song "Please Help Me, I'm Falling (In Love With You)." I don't know who sings it, and the only reason I know it is because Skeeter Davis sings a "reponse" to it, and my mom LOVES Skeeter Davis. Anyway, the song is all about this man singing to his lover, telling her he's falling for her but they can't be together because he's already married. Here are the words:

Please help me I'm falling in love with you
Close the door to temptation don't let me walk through
Turn away from me darling I'm begging you to
Please help me I'm falling in love with you

I belong to another whose arms have grown cold
But I promised forever to have and to hold
I can never be free dear but when I'm with you
I know that I'm losing the will to be true
Please help me I'm falling and that would be sin
Close the door to temptation don't let me walk in
For I shouldn't love you but darling I do
Please help me I'm falling in love with you

I used to think it was a nice song, his voice was beautiful and the tune was nice. Now it makes me feel sick. And it's supposed to be a LOVE SONG!!!!

You need to be his beacon of hope, even when you feel hopeless. Whether you feel good or bad at any given moment, you have knowledge that he is just barely beginning to glimpse - that marriages can recover from this, that he can be happy with you.

If you send him anything at all, maybe something short like this, expressing your feelings without the lovebusters you SO JUSTIFIABLY feel bubbling up.

WH,

Right now I'm having a really hard time thinking of the things you have said and done to and with another woman. It's so painful to me, and the thoughts just keep on coming.

Because I want us to build an open and honest marriage, I will come to you and let you know when I'm having a hard time. You can really help me heal by [insert what you would be willing to accept from him by way of comfort - for me it was simply holding me].

I know we can get through this together, and I appreciate what you're doing now to try and heal the pain you have caused.

NP

Neak, that is PERFECT. It fits exactly with the stage we're at!! We actually had a really good talk last night, and he cried, and said he was sorry and felt a lot of remorse, and he was only beginning to understand the pain he had put me through. He apologized for having weak boundaries and letting someone else in to fulfill his needs, instead of coming to me about it. And for the first time in so long, he showed me real affection - traced out my lips and talked about how he'd like to draw them, etc - stuff he used to say so long ago.

I really like the letter idea though. I had told him I had good and bad days, and he asked what precipitated it, asking if he could help.

We talked to Steve again this morning and things seem very positive. He confirmed that the journal letter WH wrote to himself is definitely withdrawal, and to be expected, but not a red flag. Next up, we're supposed to sit down and discuss what happened - not his emotions and thoughts at the time, but just the nuts and bolts of it, so I can heal and the wound won't keep being reopened every time I find out something new.

This is such good stuff, NP!

I'm looking forward to my anchovy pizza...yum...

Wow, NP. I can't even imagine doing this while I was preparing to deliver a baby. You are so strong. Great job.

Wow, Steve H has really made progress with your WH!!

I don't want to be a big bummer, here, NP, but: your wayward is still defogging and going through withdrawal. Don't loosen your grip on him, even though it looks like progress is being made, 'k?

mb - the grip is tight. He may be making progress but he hasn't stopped loving her and until he can look back and be shocked at his actions, and tell me he loves ME, I WILL NOT stop being vigilant! And even after that!!

This is still a very risky time for him, given his level of feeling for her still ( )and fog.

Thank you for posting that NP. You're a favorite of mine, and I don't want to see you hurting. Just feeling a little protective of you Plus I want my pizza.

Thanks, mb! You've been a HUGE support to me through all this!

WH deleted his "affair" email account today with me. He was balking a bit right when we did it and I said if he wasn't willing, then don't - but I asked him what HE wanted to do. He said he wanted to delete it and move forward, so that's what we did. He cried. After he said thank you to me, that it must be hell watching him be upset over deleting the account. It was. I felt like throwing up.

It's been a hard day - woke up feeling sad and everything in the house is a trigger for me today. I've been so depressed and TIRED that I'm afraid I'm LB'ing all over the place - being moody, touchy, and confrontational. He's at the gym right now and I have resolved to be in a better mood when he gets back, if it kils me.

I never thought that recovery could TRULY be harder than Plan A and B (are we even in recovery yet??? Getting there, I think, anyway....). But I can see how it is so much harder now - definitely not for the weak of heart!

NP, recovery IS harder than plan A or plan B. It is not for the weak willed but well worth it. Ask those with recovered M's like melodylane, pepperband, smb & tst and they will tell you the work was well worth the painful effort. Just remember that all these little steps forward will ensure your children have an intact family.

Please get plenty of rest and give your H an opportunity to do something for you and the baby tonight.

((((((NP))))))

Hope you are having sweet dreams tonight.

Btw, I had my baby on the first. He gave us a good scare when his heart rate decelerated when I was in any position other than on my left side. Turned out that his cord was wrapped around his neck a few times. He was a-ok though.

On a lighter note, the L and D nurse who helped bring one of my other sons into the world 9 years ago (during the time of tainted A stench) came in to assist my nurses with the newest little guy. I mentioned to her that she delivered one of my boys years ago and showed her a current pic of him. I ended up with some new pics with her this time around too. It's nice to have untainted pics of his nurse to show my 9 year old. yee haw!

You can get through this, NP. It's going to take lots of time and your husband facing his own personal demons and him growing up.

I understand the added pain with the pregnancy and all. If you need to, show SH the letter you wrote about your feelings regarding the pregnancy/baby in light of the A. Maybe he will have your WH do something special like write a "love letter from daddy" to both the baby and the toddler. That might help to ease your mind and the pain.

sending prayers and good thoughts!

RMJ

NP,

I've been a bit out of touch this weekend, but I see you haven't posted since Sat... Is it baby time?!? Did lil' bean make an early appearance? How are things with WH? I know all these triggers are hard, just keep remembering what you're working for. I hope all is good!!

Hey cd, thanks for thinking of me! No, not baby time yet. It was just a really horrible weekend and I didn't have the energy to post.

I woke up on Saturday feeling like crap - just an emotional wreck. I LB'd all over the place, and at one point broke down crying over all the triggers. I even told WH each trigger that was bothering me, and how there was not ONE aspect of our lives that hadn't been touched or contaminated by the fact that he brought OW into it ... she's been in our house, met DD, met our dog, knows everything about our lives (down to the name we had picked out for l'il bean, which is why I now refuse to use that name)... EVERYTHING. WH didn't really respond but he seemed to take it in. When he deleted his A email account, he erased the journal entries he'd been writing to himself, because he said he didn't need to keep them and I was right, just by storing them in that email they were contaminated.

So, really, Sunday should have been better. It started out okay, but then he started playing his online computer games. I don't know if I ever mentioned that this is something he does - he gets depressed and rather than talking to me he shuts me out and spends hours on his computer. I had asked him to spend Sunday as a family day because it could be the last one we get with just DD, and he had promised he wasn't going to play at ALL on Sunday. He spent 3 hours playing, and finally tore himself away at 5 pm to go to the river with us. And when we got back, he got right back on it and played for another long time, stopped at 10pm to chat with me for a while, and apologized for playing, saying it was stupid of him....and then after we talked, got right back on his computer. It's a bit of an addiction for him when he's upset - he replaces addictions, OW and his games..

Anyway, I lost it and got mad and shouted and nagged and was mean and nasty about it. I don't know - usually I can hold it in but I was just feeling so tired and hormonal and SICK over his A that I let loose. I felt terrible this morning and apologized....but I hope I didn't LB TOO much over the weekend.

Sorry, Petals. Those thoughtless addictions are really upsetting.

I hope you are feeling better today. Do you have any other names picked out?

My H was in the middle of an EA when I gave birth to our son (who is now 2). He had also talked to her about names, but thankfully we chose his name literally right before he came out, so it was not something he had the chance to share with her first.

(((NP)))

When is your next appointment with SH? I think addressing his method of withdrawing from the family could be addressed and how it is a trigger for you. If you are truly in the beginning of R then don't worry about one evening of LB's. Just remember that it takes a lot more EN filling to add to the love bank than it takes for LB's to make withdrawls. That goes for both of you. BTW, it is ok to calmly tell your WH the ways the A has affected you and what triggers you.