Hi. I'm new on here and I'm looking for help with my situation.

I have been married to my husband for 13 years, however we have been together off and on since high-school. We have two young boys ages 5 and 11. He has just reached 18 years in the military, so only 2 more until he can retires. We have had an up and down relationship, with deployments and affairs along the way. He has cheated on my at least 6 times that I know of since we got married. He usually doesn't come and out and tell me. I usually stumble across something and a few fights later, he gives me bits and pieces.

This last affair, he told me had strong feelings for this woman and decided to leave our home. This is the first time he has ever done that, usually he is begging me to forgive him. He says his feelings for me have changed and I have pushed him away. He has been staying with a couple of friends for the past two months and has just rented himself a place.

We both have started seeing separate counselors and he said he has ended his relationship with this woman. We have talked about getting back together if we can get ourselves right. He says he still loves me and thinks about coming back everyday. Our counselors want us to stop talking about our relationship and texting each other for 30 days, so we can give each other time to work on our issues. We can talk about the kids or business but no relationship talks. His counselor wants him to start taking depressents to help with what she thinks is a depressive disorder....My husband also has a lot of unsolved issues from things that happened to him in his childhood.

So this is where we are...do we stop talking and texting or will that push us farther apart? I love him and I want to do what I can to save our marriage. (We tend to text 10-12 times a day and talk on the phone at least twice a day, they say this is bad for us).

We are not making promises to each other but we have hope that we will eventually get our marriage back together. He says he wants to fix himself so that he does not hurt me again. I feel he really wants help this time. So do I back away and let him work on it or do I continue to support him? We still love each other, but know that we can not continue living like this.

I would love any advice on what we should do. Is he being honest and saying he still loves me and sees a future with me or am I just a pathetic sap who just wants my husband back? I don't know if I feel like our counselors are for our marriage surving. His counselor says we are not ready for couples counseling...they also want to start EMDR. So many questions and no answers...

I know this is a lot to take in so thanks for letting me vent...I just don't know where to turn.
Thanks.
Tonya

TRB,
I am sorry that you are here, but it is the best place to be if you wish to recover you marriage.

A few questions for you:
1. Have you read and are you familiar with the Basic Concepts? There is a link at the top of the page.

2. What were the consequences of your WH (wayward husband) previous affairs? Did you ever expose them to his and your family's, OW's (other woman) family, WH and OW work?

You will receive great advice here, some you may find difficult to do. If you want to save your marriage, read, learn, and ask questions.

TRB, welcome to MB and I am sorry that you are here.

This is a link to a lot of information that you will need to read through to begin this process.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

After you have read the basic concepts and the threads about Plan A and Plan B, feel free to ask any questions.

It doesn't sound like these ICs know how to save a marriage after infidelity. That's okay, Dr Harley does and he is the creator of this site and the author of many books that will help you create romantic love in your marriage that can last a lifetime.

Now, you KNOW of at least 6 affairs in your marriage. Why do you want to save your marriage? What is it about your WH that makes you want to be with him for life?

Please answer the questions in the first post of the thread that I linked for you. These are meant to help you.

Fear is a terrible thing when it interferes with our marriage. List that which you are afraid of.

Right now you do not have his fidelity. What are you hoping for?

Just to clarify that statement - have you cheated on him, or is he the only cheater in the relationship?



So, in a thirteen-year M, he's cheated on you at least once every two years, and those are the times that you know of. This is a big, BIG thing, TRB. He's demonstrated over and over again that he's not M material. I think it's way past time for a permanent Plan B.