What she said.

What she said she said.

I can't even imagine having to pick a new name for my child over an affair. That must have been a VERY trying one for you but completely necessary.

So, now WH is saying becuase of the weekend, he can't stand another minute of our marriage until *I* talk to Steve and he gives me an action plan of how to change. He slept in the guest room last night and won't talk to me today. He said he's not interested in continuing with Steve until he sees some kind of change in ME....and even said that HIS issues are minor and he knows how to be a great husband/bf (????) and the affair issue would "pass" and he would still be those things.

On the one hand - does he SERIOUSLY still not get what Steve's been saying about his affair????? Becuase it seems like he's just totally disregarded the trauma it's caused and moved back to blaming me....

And on the other hand....I knew I was LB'ing too much. Why couldn't I just STOP?

**EDIT: Last night he asked me if I realized what it was like for him, coming from someone who treats him the way he wants to be treated, to me, who has no idea how to treat him. That hurt. I don't like being compared.

I am not in recovery but my input is here anyway

OW has been on her best behavior since she knew she had someone to compete with (you) and you had no clue for a while. Now, your LBing cause of the pain you have suffered BUT

you just can not.

LBing will not work FOR you, but against you.

Your H is at least attempting communication with you. Thank him for sharing his feelings and for the input on how he sees things.
Thank him for letting you know that you have personal work to do to recover a vibrant relationship with him. Give him a big, big hug. Tell him "Sure. I will talk with Steve about this to see how I can be the source of happiness for you" is a good thing.

My understanding from reading about recovery is you move forward and try to be the source of happiness for each other but also try not to be the source of unhappiness.

Yes, Surviving An Affair points out you can not expect the wayward to apoligize for the pain he put you through, at least not right away (if ever) and that is not a condition of recovery. Moving forward to rebuilding using MB techniques is.

THANK YOU, Reading!! What a great perspective - really kicks my butt back into gear.

I was sitting here feeling all angry and defensive and sad, and then I read your response. I sent WH an email about it, and used what you said. When I get home I will give him a big hug, even if he's still steamed up and angry with me.

I need to remember that one - to NOT be the source of his unhappiness!

NP, the only thing I thought while I was reading this was.....has there been contact?

Your WH CAN NOT tell you that YOU need to change and he is not doing anything until YOU get a plan and start working it. I am sure Steve would kick his butt for that comment for sure.

I know that I have not been in recovery, so I really don't know how it works in the beginning but this doesn't sound like a man who is ready to commit to a GREAT marriage with YOU. I know he is still going to be foggy and I hope I am wrong about this "feeling" I am getting. Listen to the vets, I am POSITIVE they will steer you in the right direction. When is the next time you will be speaking to Steve? Are you able to clal into the radio show?

I am quite sure there has been NC....he's been too moody and withdrawal-y for that. I've been checking and I haven't seen any evidence of contact. I believe he's just still foggy from the affair, and sometimes this comes out worse than other times. Last week was really good with him - and then I woke up Saturday cranky and spent all weekend LB'ing.

We have our next appointment with Steve tomorrow. I told WH to talk to him first, and he can bring up his concerns. Steve is smart, and will be able to guide him correctly. I am hoping WH is just angry right now - I don't think he's truly unwilling to work on the marriage, but his emotions have taken over and he is feeling hopeless. Steve said this would happen.

However, to the vets - does this sound like withdrawal or contact with OW????

Ok don't get mad but my initial reaction to the above was this

I am NOT surprised at all. This is wayward fog speak 101. He wants you to continue to plan A him and is patting himself on the back for being such a great example of MB and such a fine H.

I really hear you on being compared to OW but reading is right...OW was on her best behavior. He didn't LIVE with OW or raise children with OW or betray OW blah blah blah so truly you know and I know there is no comparison and one day he will be horribly ashamed at saying these things.

Ok, for now a plan A move for you is to apologize for the love busting. However, I also think you need to be prepared to plan b him before you go into labor. I would see if you can run it by SH and I would do some serious snooping to know if C has resumed. I do NOT wish for you to deliver that precious baby with an active wayward in the room.

BTW from you description I do not have alarm bells going off. What does your gut say to you? Do you feel like he is in C or just being an *ss?

Like I said, I am new to this part. I am glad that FF is here for you right now. Just wanted you to know you were being heard. I almost didn't want to write it in case it got you thinking about something that you weren't already worried about. You have enough to deal with, I didn't want to add to it. I am glad you don't have to wait too long to talk to Steve about his.

More of my thoughts.

Hope he is in withdrawal and yet, consider that even if he IS in contact with OW....hey....you know what? He is having to play the game of marriage at a new level. He is talking with a coach and having to think things out a new way and having to do actions towards a good marriage. If is IS in contact with OW.....what a dig on her (a boyfriend who is marriage building with his wife and the mother of his kids). I wouldn't want to be in that position. Uhuh.

Let's all hope he IS in withdrawal.

Don't lovebust.
Keep coaching with Steve.
Keep vigilant but let no information of continued contact you find let you love bust.
Keep prepared for B should you need to take that step at a time that is right for you, New Petals and no one else. You own that when you choose to use it (if the time comes you choose to)
Have that baby and bond with it.

I am skipping off on my merry way now (back to my logged off but reading posts comfort zone).

Wishing you well in this great adventure of saving your marriage.

Scotty, your advice is always spot on. NP, I am glad to read (I guess we posted at the same time) that you are certain there is NC. Just be sure to talk all your concerns over with SH. Get some rest, drink lots of water and be kind to yourself!

My gut feeling is that he is not in contact but that he is just a big jerk off....

Seriously, what kind of man sits in front of video games all day instead of spending quality time with his very pregnant wife and DD? Then he gives you a little "I'm sorry" at the end of the evening to just smooth it over. That doesn't cut it with me. You don't get to have IB's and then just say you are sorry when you are done and everything is supposed to be fine. Not to mention, after he apologized he went back to gaming?!?! Seriously?!?!?

I agree that you need to get your LB's under control NP but your WH's extremely selfish, entitled behavior is exhausting. No wonder you are LB'ing!

Please make sure you tell Steve about the video gaming. IB's can be very hurtful and need to be addressed. Your WH still has a very long way to go....

At some point, you might want to sit down and try to list out the things that you actually love about WH. It might help you to remember that at one time there must have been a decent husband/father there somewhere. Hope you cand find him again.

Thank you Reading, Scotty, and Faith! You guys always give me hope.

OW H told me that he has a "box of stuff" from OW that he'll give me to give WH. I know seeing this stuff is going to be HARD - and tbh, even seeing OW H is hard. Half of me wants to say no way, just throw it all away .... and the other half secretly wants the satisfaction of destroying it myself. Talked to WH about it last night and he said the only thing he wants back from her is a book he lent her. I don't really want anything to do with OW and OWH right now - so I'm not contacting about it, and he hasn't contacted me again.

I think telling WH about this box could also be a HUGE thing setting him off right now. As much as there are triggers for me, they are also there for him, as hard as that is to swallow.

Anyway - as it stands, I have sent WH that apology email (since he won't answer my calls) and when I get home I will be back in Plan A. And I'm SO looking forward to talking to Steve tomorrow!!!!!

mindshare - I am DEFINITELY bringing this up to Steve. It's almost circular - his selfish IB's makes me LB, and my LB'ing makes him withdraw and play more. It IS exhausting and drives me up the wall. It's VERY hurtful when he does those things.

What makes me sad is that he USED to be a much better man. I too hope both he and I can find that better man again. No matter how much he says he is such a loving and wonderful husband - he DOES have a lot to learn and address.

I have a lot of those same IB's as your H.... I'm an admitted computer addict/gamer. That is something maybe you guys could work on as a POJA... Set a time limit, or time each day for him to game. I had to give my H my CD of my favorite game to hide so I would stop the LB'ing. I now ask him to play if I get everything else done. Keeps me accountable for my gaming, and keeps him in some control so I don't go overboard and neglect him. I feel a little childish having to ask, but as I said, it really helps me.

I think, in regards to the "stuff," is have OWH mail the book and have OWH destroy the rest. That will save you from seeing OWH. Yes, the satisfaction of destroying it yourself would be great, but do you REALLY want to put yourself through the pain of those triggers?!? I wouldn't. Heck, I can't stand to see FOW's name on a message board I follow. I KNOW I couldn't stand to see stuff that was given to her, much less have H see it... so, IMHO, get the book and toss the rest.

my $.02....

{{{{{{{NP}}}}}}}}

I'd get a new book. JMHO.

I suggested this too. I don't want that book back. But WH said it has a lot of sentimental value becuase he's had it so many years and lent it to so many people....I think he lent it to me way back when as well.....sigh.....

That's what I thought, too, Scotty.

WH should have nothing back, IMO. Is there a single material thing you can think of that would be worth the associations, triggers, prolonging of withdrawal, and continuance of some form of contact by its very presence?

Get a new book and make new memories. This book is now tainted by memories of OW. It may be something you will have to deal with later. It is something that will keep you stuck though. Head's up.

I can't remember who, but there was a poster a few months back that was talking about a belt that her WH bought while with OW. BW could NOT look at it without thinking about OW. I think there was a thread about getting rid of it. Anyone remember that?

imo - nope. I don't want a single thing from whatever trash she has to give back to him.

My stance on this is - I will NOT contact OW H and IF he contacts me, I'll talk to WH and see what to do first.

Stupid wayturds. I hope OW gets a full dose of karma.