Oh HopeE, I can COMPLETELY relate. I dunno if I have just tucked those feelings and thoughts away to protect myself or if I truly got past it. I may NEVER know.

WAYTURDS SUCK AZZ. This is why it is so important to stay focused on yourself. It is really hard to do. You will get better at it. You have to let yourself have these thoughts and these feelings. You can't go around these feelings, you have to plow through them.

It is absolutely true that from the outside, it seems that the WS and OP have "WON." What did they "WIN"? I was told on my thread to think about who my WH is NOW. HE IS A CHEATING, LYING SCUMBAG. That's who OW "won." GOOD FOR HER.

You remember your DH, he is not there now. He hasn't been there for a long time. You are getting triggered by things you keep hearing about WH and that makes you fall DOWN. I think you need to let your DD know that it is too painful to hear about your WH. Maybe if you put yourself in a cocoon, you will be able to emerge the most beautiful butterfly. Protect your heart.

HopeE,

When my H's second affair happened, and he walked out of our marriage, I had no idea he was leaving for another woman.

He told me many things that were horrible about me. He said that he never loved me, did not love me, and never would love me. He said I was not the person for him, that he hated living with me, that I was argumentative, a terrible person to be around, that he had regretted every moment of our lives together...that his misery in life was all due to "having to live in my airspace".

He essentially blamed his "unhappiness" on having to breathe the air in the same room I existed in.


He didn't blame my weight, only because I was thin at the time. Everything else, he blamed. My entire being was blameworthy.


His affair - whatever it was - never came into fruition for him. The woman he fantasized into his future...his everything...was NOTHING to him after all was said and done. She had another man on her mind, sooner than my H could even blink.

My H was an also-ran in her book. She was after money, and my H had none.

So my H looked for another OW, and came up dry.......

Meanwhile, I was told that the divorce was essentially a done deal, that he was doing the paperwork, that he had absolutely no intention of ever reconciling with me. I was, after all, the most ugly, stupid, disgusting, mean, horrible, and less-than-worthy human being on the planet. Perhaps in the entire universe.

I was told to "move on". I began to date, which at this time I know was not the thing to do. Back in the 1970's, I didn't know, and to tell you the truth, would not have been convinced otherwise. I hereby give myself a 2X4.

One day my H calls me with "important business" to discuss. I believe the business is to sign the divorce papers.

I was wrong. Very wrong.

He asked to come home.

Yep.

Somewhere in there, he realized HE WAS WRONG.


We worked things out, and for almost 3 decades he was faithful and loving.



Then, about 5 years ago, he had another affair. It was different this time around, and we are working it out again.....


Things can look like they are over.
Things can be said that sound VERY permanent.
Things can be done that seem overwhelmingly insurmountable.


All can be overturned in a moment. Things can change. Your name here is Hope.

Remember that. Stay dark, stay full of hope. Your husband may change his heart, or he may not. You may change your mind and decide YOU do not want to reconcile with him. Maintain your hope - that the future is, and will be, right for YOU.

Because that is what will happen. God plans it that way.

SB

I haven't read your entire thread (just the last few pages) but if I were you, I would go knock on his door and drop off all 4 kids. Tell him that they are now his to take care of.

That should throw a real kink in the A.

Well, Chai, she's in Plan B so I don't think that will work

Oh, hope, I am so sorry and I can completely relate...{{{{{hope}}}} It isnt fair. What a great post schoolbus did, I think that is good for you right now......You are gonna be okay either way...but I do know just how you feel, it seems like the waywards have it made.

But you know what, I would not want to be him right now, I would not be able to live with myself....What they must have done to their values to do this is sickening....I can walk with my head held high and know that I did what I could to try and save my family...and are doing what you can and with dignity and when all is said and done you will be a better person, he will not. When your children have grown, they will know who was there for them, trekking through the crap your WH left....YOU.

Oh and when I was mad I stuck a bunch of OBAMA For President bumper stickers all over my WH bumper....Ahhhhhh, needless to say he did not like OBAMA and it made me very happy for a little while. Yup, still makes me smile...

I know. Just tying a little humor. But, part of me was dead serious. It just makes my blood boil when these waywards waltz off and leave a BS with all the responsibilities of children. And 4 of them? It's hard enough with one.

Yeah, Hopes WH pi$$e$ me off too...leaving her with four kids...

I would drop them off when he is with OW. That would make for a lovely date night. Find where they are out dining - now wouldn't that be a kick! Walk in, 4 kids, "Oh, there you are! The kids are STARVING! Thanks for taking them, their bags are with the hostess! Hope your dinner is delicious and your weekend is marvelous! Kiss-kiss, kiddos! Mom will see you at Uncle J's on Sunday at 7!!!!

Love it!!!! That's exactly what I had in mind.

I was so hoping that Kate would deliver all 8 kids to John when he was spouting off about her being a bad mom because she was dancing. Yeah, like he really wants 8 kids around 24/7.

Thanks everyone for the encouragement....it's truly helped and a little yahtzee with friends has moved my mind away from my selfpity.

As always Schoolbus, you always have such a beautiful way with words....your story is encouraging. I know my 4 kids will mess up the affair for sure. I'd love to know where they are rendevouzing, but I don't know. I have thought about dropping them off for their July time with dad even though he has said he cannot take them. I just can't do it to them....I don't want to hurt them, but I'd love to run up on them together and see him try to explain this away. Believe me, he would have an excuse. I'm sure he's waiting for a nice clean divorce in 60 days, but too bad....I'll wait for you years if I want. I'm certainly in no hurry to go on to another man. I'm pretty sure that no man will be interested in a woman with 4 children.

Well, hope, you never know.

There could be a guy who can't have kids of his own. There could be all kinds of men.

I just suggest that because, I wouldn't mind another man with kids, I just don't want to have any myself. KWIM?

There could be guys with the same attitude.

HopeE,
for now to us it seems that the WH is very happy as we are so lonely and miserable and there they are back in their teenage years messaging OW and living a romance, a fantasy and having great sex without worries. How can you compare what we are going thru with the bliss they are experiencing?
However, it is a law of the universe that if you seek cheap thrills you will experience pain and depression before soon because in every so call happiness (and his hapineess is caused by OW so imagine how fragile it is...) there is already the seed of unhapiness and pain that will manifest in time.
When the pain resurfaces and it will (guaranteed) it will be stronger than the initial pain he was trying to cover with the A. This is what happens to people who cover pain by using some form of addiction being it drugs, sex, food or another person. It does not work.
You must go thru the pain to come out of it stronger and better, you can't cover it up or go around it.
To use a very crude analogy: it is like puttin deodorant on sh�t...it only works for a nonosecond cuz the smell will come out again very soon.
Oh, I forgot to add that OW is not high quality deodorant, so, the smell that comes out makes it worst than before.
blessing

Thanks or the support...I feel better this morning. You're right about not hearing about WH...it's difficult for me to hear anything without diving into a depression.

My children are about to leave to stay with H for the weekend. Hoping for some good ole fashioned veg time.

Thanks Atena....I love the deodorant analogy.

HopeE,

Read the short story by Ernest Hemingway, "A Clean Well-Lighted Place".

It is about two pages long. It describes nicely how the affairee feels in the dark, alone.

The facade of "happiness" is just that - a facade. When these people face their own thoughts it is gory.


Your husband will - sooner or later - seek a clean, well-lighted place.


With or without you.




I know, without a doubt, he will (and likely already does) regret his affair. Besides the sin of adultery, he is now piling on with PRIDE.


SB

Well, I wish it would be with me. I can see him however, getting with her and then trying to go through all the forgiveness portion. It still will leave me without him. This is just a no-win situation. Where do I find the short story...I guess I'll google it...thanks SB

I hate sounding so pessimistic because I am normally an upbeat person....I'm sorry that I'm so bummy. I move back and forth with feelings of anger, denial, and just plain ole hurt. I hope that plan B will work for me....sometimes it's so hard and I want to just grab the phone and call him. I'm also struggling with my feelings about God....how can I be doing that? This year has been so hard for me and what a great way to end it...with adultery.

I wonder if I will ever see a flow of blessings in my life??? I'm beginning to sound like my husband...maybe that's from 20 years of living with a doubter.

I understand how you feel...of course you will be pessimistic occasionally with what happened to you....and it is completely normal to be mad at God sometimes, personally I think he understands.

It will get better Hope, you have a lot of blessings...sometimes we just dont concentrate on them. I am guilty of that, just try to concentrate on the good things, I know it is very hard to do that right now...but it helps.

(((HopeE)))

I know how you feel - I feel the same way a lot. It isn't fair - none of this is fair. I have to just rise above the pile of garbage I have been handed, and so do you. I know it's hard, but you CAN do it. I believe in you - YOU have to believe in you, too. You are a wonderful and beautiful person - don't let your WH win by feeling bad about yourself. HE should be feeling rotten about HIMSELF. And someday, he will, even if he never admits it.

And Schoolbus - WOW. Seriously - your WH came back after all that?? That is amazing. Did you drag the D out? Since he succumbed to an A for a 3rd time, are you glad you took him back?

More calls from the kiddos tonight. My DS11 has informed me that DS7 keeps telling WH, "mama loves you" and then WH says, "No she doesn't." Apparently that has been the extent of their conversation.

I would love to drop kids off with him and OW, but he is still trying to cover the whole thing and insists there is no A. I'm certain they are still in contact and still seeing each other without anyone knowing.

He's so concerned with my snooping and trapping him for the divorce which I never intend to complete. I know in time he will openly display his affection for her. I'm amazed at the OWs that go move in with ow or om??? My husband is still insisting there is nothing. My children know otherwise. He spends all his time texting and talking with her on the phone.