I found out a few days ago about my husband's affair. He went to Florida for the weekend to "see friends", and things felt very "off". I hacked into his e-mail pretty easily since he apparently uses the same password for everything. I found some very graphic e-mails along with her sending him her address and them making plans to meet.

I confronted him on the phone that night. He swore that they "only" kissed and fooled around, but didn't have sex. He begged me to at least stay until he got home, and was home in 4 hours. His story was that the e-mails were only talk, he went to meet her, but never intended to have sex. They fooled around, he felt guilty and cut his visit short. He was on his way home when I confronted him on the phone.

The facts, as far as I can tell, are the following.

He was, in fact, on his way home when I called. It's a good 7 hour drive to where he was and he got home in less than 4. The original plan was to stay another day and arrive the next evening.

He states he called her before I confronted him and ended it. The phone record shows that he was on the phone with her about an hour before I called and has not been on the phone with her since, at least on his cell. I'm monitoring every day to see what shows up on the bill.

I have access to his e-mail and he has not e-mailed her from that account. I'm installing a keylogger to check and see if he has any other accounts.

I e-mailed her, and didn't tell her what he told me. I just asked her for an explanation of what happened. She confirmed his story and apologized profusely. I don't know how sincere it is, but she gave the appearance of being genuinely sorry and guilty. Oddly enough, I'm not mad at her. She doesn't have any responsibility to me or my family. All my anger is directed to my husband.

I asked him to give me a few days alone to think about what I want to do. He's staying with his brother for a few days, but is e-mailing me (with my permission). He's guilt-stricken and terrified of losing his family over this.

I just don't know where to go from here. I'd like to work things out, but I'm so angry every time I see him. I look at him and imagine them together. Honestly, I want to wring his neck and send him back to Florida, but at the same time, I don't want to just give up 8 years without a fight. Especially if he's genuinely going to try to fix our marriage.

We've got twin 1 year old, so the last year and a half hasn't exactly been a bed of roses. I was on bedrest, they were very premature, and when they got home we spent a lot of time just surviving one day at a time. I'm just now getting to the point where I feel like I've got a handle on things. However, there's never an excuse for cheating. Never. It's the one thing I told him I didn't know if I could forgive. I always told him, if you're going to cheat, just leave. At least then I could still have some respect for him.

I feel like everything we had is gone. All the trust, all the respect, all the comfort of a relationship is dead. Right now, I've got to decide if the person I am NOW, and the person he is NOW can be together. If so, then we'll have to build a new relationship from the ground up. If not, at least I can look at my kids and say I tried everything to save our family.

move him back home and expose this to everyone to give some accountability.

prd

Welcome to Marriage builders and I am sorry you are here.

Here is a link to a thread that you should read from beginning to end. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

It seems like you instinctively know to snoop and figure out what is truly going on in your life. Has this affair been exposed to everyone? That is going to be your next step if that has not been done yet.

If you have any questions about anything that you read, feel free to ask.

Really? That seems very vindictive. I haven't read the books yet, so I can't really say. What is the reasoning behind that?

OK, to answer the questions posted by the other thread


How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? I'm 26. My WS is 29.

Do you have any children? How old are they? We have 15 month old boy/girl twins

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you? We've been married 6 years and it's a first for both.

How did your WS meet their AP? They went to high school together.

How long did the A last? The build up/emotional part has lasted 6 months or longer. The physical lasted 1 day. (so they both say, anyways)

How did you find out about the A? I snooped in his e-mail and confronted him over the phone on his way back from his tryst weekend.

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it? I'm going tonight to get it from the bookstore. I'll probably say up tonight and read it.

Sorry you are here Sky. You are now part of the club that none of us wanted to ever join. The good news is that you found us here at MB and there are many amazing people here to help you through this. Some have recovered marriages and some do not. We are bound together by the common thread of adultery. We each have to choose our own path and whatever you ultimately decide, you will find support here.

Stick around for a while. Read the articles. Read other threads. Learn the MB concepts. I think you have an excellent chance of saving your marriage if that is what you decide to do. I won't kid you though..it's alot of hard work for both you and your WH. But it can be done.

One other thing....don't tell your WH quite yet about this forum. This is your place for advice and support at this time. Perhaps down the line he can join you here but not just yet.

sky,

If you want to R your M, you've found the best place to show you how to do that. There's alot to learn about A's and why people have them, but the bottom line is that they are ALL the same. Your WH like all other WSs found he was entitled enough to have his needs met outside of your M. He failed to protect you, your M and his weaknesses. Basically he had no boundaries and gave himself permission. What was happening in your M at the time may have contributed to his thought process, however, you are not to blame for his A. There is NEVER an excuse for an A. Remember that.

First step is to make sure the A has ended. He needs to write a no contact letter to her saying that what he did was wrong and you did not deserve it. And he does not want to see or hear from her ever again. Then YOU mail it. He needs to become completely transparent, answering all of your questions and giving you all passwords, etc.

You should continue to snoop. Usually these don't end right away. Exposing the A to family and friends is a way to end the A. It is not vindictive. Shining the light on bad behavior tends to stop the bad behavior. KWIM? It's not unusual for a new BS to NOT want to expose but if there is ANY doubt that this has not ended, you should expose immediately.

You can get through this and you can R your M. It may not seem possible now, but it really is. It takes about 2 yrs+ to R from an A and it'll be the hardest thing that you do. R is not for sissies. If your WH is actually on board and WANTING your M, your chances are great.

X2

Exposure is not vindictive. Its your best tool to fight the A. He might have ended it before you called. he might not have too. What if she calls in a week or so? Will he pick up? There are a TON of threads on false recoveries on the board. That is what happens when the A continues and they use the cover or recovery to hide it.

No one has an affair in public. Its a dirty thing that no one brags about to their parents. Thats PRECISELY why you have to tell anyone that can help. Here are the KEY People that must know.

Your parents and family. They will rally around you for support

His parents - They will be ashamed and ask WTF he is doing running around on his BS with this OM trash

Is the OM married? Then her husband MUST be informed. Its key.

All his close friends - so they wont be as likely to cover for him. They increase the shame factor.

It sounds harse and it is. But your WH brought this on himself.

Do NOT get caught up in the fact that he just "fooled around" That just means they didnt have SF THIS TIME. No telling what happened in the past or could happen in the future. He will lie right to your face. You know this because he already did.

Other things to consider. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. You have kids to take care of.

You sound like your all over snooping be sure to cover the cell phone bills, keyloggers, and credit card statements. Watch for purchases from a store that carries boost mobile phones.

He sounds contrite. If he is that is good. He needs to be 100% transparent. He should buy a GPS for his phone/car and give you access. He should give you all his passwords. Facebook ESPECIALLY. Its best if he just drops it at a minimum you should approve all his friends. Facebook is nothing but trouble since it makes contact so easy.

Start thinking about you as well. What needs were you not providing that he had to go out of the M to meet them. Try to meet those needs. Look up the emotional needs questionaire and fill it out. He should fill out the ENQ as well and give it to you. Those are things you can do to start rebuilding your love bank.

If you have the $$$ make an appointment the coaching center. They are your BEST BUY for the money. They specialize in this. The are a billion times better than the marriage councilor on the street that just causes divorces. They dont waste time with feelings and blah blah. They just give you a plan and if you follow it to the T you recover. It works.

Best of luck to you. We will be here when you need us.

I am definitely continuing to snoop. As I told him, all trust is completely gone. I'll decide when and if it's coming back. He's given me complete control of his computer and I've moved it to the family room instead of in the back bedroom. The only other internet access in on my Ipad, which is never in his possession, so not an issue. I'm installing a keylogger tonight (without him knowing). He wrote and cc'd me a NC letter (before I asked)to the other woman and she wrote me back what appeared to be a sincere apology and a promise never to contact him again. I know that he sent it to her, not some imaginary e-mail address because I found her profile on Facebook and sent it directly on there. Not that that means I trust either of them, but at least she's not fighting it. I told him I want a handwritten letter that I can mail and he said he'll write it tonight.

I haven't told him I have any plans to expose the affair, but he told me that I should do whatever I feel I need to do. In his words "I've forfeited any right to ask anything of you. Whatever you think you need to do, do it. I have no right to anything right now." I'll probably notify his family tomorrow. His brother already knows. WS told him because he wanted advice. His brother is very close to both of us and is helping us out by watching our kids while we take some time alone to talk about our issues.

I feel like he's giving in too easily. He keeps telling me to tell him what I want him to do and he'll do it. He seems too eager, it seems, to give in and come back to the fold, so to speak. Is this a bad sign? I'm still snooping, of course. I'll be doing it for years, I imagine.

He says he'll do anything, and put everything into working on our marriage. I just wish I could believe that like I would have a couple of days ago. Now I can't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth.

his response is quite common. he doesnt want to lose you and has made a huge mistake. he seems repentant. you may well be on your way to recovery. you probably still need to expose this to a tight circle to keep him accountable.

prd

I like the GPS on the phone idea. I'll do that tomorrow. He's already given me control of his facebook, e-mail, yahoo messenger, computer and cell phone. I'm searching around to make sure there's no "throw away" phones, installing a key logger on the computer and monitoring our bank statements and credit card.

I need to tell him he can come home. He's been giving me space because I needed it, but from what I understand, he needs to be under the same roof as me and his kids. Right?

We're lucky in that his work will pay for 8 counseling sessions a year for any reason. You just contact HR to notify them and they send a list of counselors in the area. We'll probably need much more than 8 sessions, but it will help with the money factor anyways.

Should we work with the marriage counselor that's not MB? Or should we stick with the books and try to raise the money to work with the MB counseling center. It would take a while to get the money, so I'm not sure if we should use a local marriage counselor in the meantime.

Well, of course you don't trust him. The thing is, you won't even trust yourself to trust him for a really really long time. That's because you trusted him once, you believed him once, and he did a HORRIBLE thing with that trust.

Now that we have the trust issue out of the way, let's move on. You DO NOT tell your WH that you are going to expose. You just DO IT. He already knows he had(is having) an affair. You will tell people who of most influence over your WH and OW.

Snooping to make sure that there is NC is GREAT. Install the keylogger. Don't tell your WH. Also, you may want to buy a VAR and record him where ever he is most likely to contact her again(his car, a spare room, etc). He MAY have an affair phone(that's a secret cell phone that the AP's use to communicate with each other).

I read the thread about using a digital recorder. I'm going to install it in his car, because I know that's when they talked. He's got almost 45 minute drive home. I'm also planning to use that 45 minutes to call and talk to him about his day. Less temptation to call if he's already busy talking to his wife, I hope.

I'm most worried about his work though. Is there any way to monitor what goes on there? His work has made it clear to all employees that they can, will, and do monitor phones, e-mail and internet, so I don't think he'll be stupid enough to try to get away with things there. I wish I could monitor it though.

How to find a good marriage councilor

Please read this thread before you do the non MB marriage councilor. The last straw that caused my WW to "check out" of the M was a bad M councilor. The divorce rate is higher than the general population. There are good ones out there but you got to look for them.

Go the first time by yourself and ask the questions in the article. dont ask about marriage builders ask about his treatment techniques. If he spouts off stuff about communication and feelings RUN to the door. He needs to GUIDE you through the recovery process, not facilitate conflict. If you think you found the guy tell him what you want. Be clear.

If cash is tight then here is some options maybe to stretch it. Consider buying a few session coaching from jennifer or steve. Tell them on your first appointment that you would like them to help you with just compensation, injury recovery, and EP.

Just compensation and injury recovery go hand in hand. Its things YOU need to forgive him when you are ready. He will have to answer all your questions, be as transparent as you need to ensure NC. Steve or Jennifer will explain to him exactly how much damage this A has done to you. The hurt and pain it caused. He will also access how "on board" he really is. WS cant "fake it" with them. You HAVE to treat the injury before you can move on. That way you can close the book and it doesnt creep into your life again.

After that you can buy the home study course for HNHN. It will cost about as much as 1 hr with the coaches.

It might seem like a lot of money at first. I think of it this way. Im using steve. I buy the 5 session packages so I pay $175 an hour to buy the BEST chance at saving my M. Im paying $150 an hour to destroy it with my divorce attorney (not to mention a $5500 retainer). So its a bargain. The M coaches are worth it.

If your ready yes. YOU claim your bed though. If he or you isnt comfortable with this HE sleeps on the coach.
Sit him down with his boss. Have him explain the problem too him. Maybe he can have OW number blocked. Your WH is talking the talk but the doubt will drive you NUTZ. Its better to ensure it.

The Harleys (MB) will do more for your R in several sessions than a year with someone else. Please consider them your first priority.

The OW reply

I debated all night over whether or not this will hurt you any more than the situation already has, I apologize for the delay. I could not be more sorry for what I have done to you, to your family. I know you probably do not want to hear what I have to say outside of what you requested, but there are a few things I would like you to know besides that.

To be perfectly honest, I was wrapping up an incredible date when WS got into town. WS and I are friends and never had any intention of being together in any other way. WS and I clearly crossed quite a few lines when we talked, but never expected it to be anything but that... talk. The night WS came in we did kiss and we did sleep in the same bed. I will spare you the graphic details, but we did "fool around" a little. Me more than him. We did not have sex BS, I promise you that. In hindsight, kissing is more intimate than either of us wanted it to get, so the rest was a fluke. He was here for less than 24 hours. We went to the beach, a movie, the park and to dinner before he hit the road home.

I apologize for my part in what has happened. I feel as though I will never be able to portray through words alone just how sorry I am. I realize I have not only hurt WS, but you and your babies as well. I am the biggest mistake WS will ever make. WS has been a dear friend for years and at times my best. I care about him a lot. That is why I promise you that I will never speak to him again. I am jealous of you BS. You have everything I have ever wanted and you got it the right way. I am sorry that I have jeopardized that for you. I know "I'm sorry" does not change the fact that it happened or take the pain away, but I would like to say this...

WS wants you BS, that never changed. Losing you and the babies is exactly what he feels he deserves, but you and I both know that would kill him. Despite what he has done, WS is a good man. I know you know that, you did marry him...

I will never know if you stay with WS, but I hope you will.

Best Regards,

OW

slyblue, your H and the OW have got together and contrived a story. First off, "fooling around" *IS* sex. And secondly, it did go much further than that. I would tell your H this story is not believable and you have a right to the full truth. They did have sex. And if he won't admit that, I would schedule a polygraph PRONTO.

Don't move forward until he tells the truth. You are being lied to.

That's my suspicion as well. I don't believe either of them.

Don't even ask him if its true. Tell him you know it is not and tell him there will be no going forward until the full truth comes out. And then give him an opportunity to take a polygraph.

The first thing you should do is expose this affair wide and far, skyblue. That will give the affairees a much needed dose of reality.