I found out a few days ago about my husband's affair. He went to Florida for the weekend to "see friends", and things felt very "off". I hacked into his e-mail pretty easily since he apparently uses the same password for everything. I found some very graphic e-mails along with her sending him her address and them making plans to meet.

I confronted him on the phone that night. He swore that they "only" kissed and fooled around, but didn't have sex. He begged me to at least stay until he got home, and was home in 4 hours. His story was that the e-mails were only talk, he went to meet her, but never intended to have sex. They fooled around, he felt guilty and cut his visit short. He was on his way home when I confronted him on the phone.

The facts, as far as I can tell, are the following.

He was, in fact, on his way home when I called. It's a good 7 hour drive to where he was and he got home in less than 4. The original plan was to stay another day and arrive the next evening.

He states he called her before I confronted him and ended it. The phone record shows that he was on the phone with her about an hour before I called and has not been on the phone with her since, at least on his cell. I'm monitoring every day to see what shows up on the bill.

I have access to his e-mail and he has not e-mailed her from that account. I'm installing a keylogger to check and see if he has any other accounts.

I e-mailed her, and didn't tell her what he told me. I just asked her for an explanation of what happened. She confirmed his story and apologized profusely. I don't know how sincere it is, but she gave the appearance of being genuinely sorry and guilty. Oddly enough, I'm not mad at her. She doesn't have any responsibility to me or my family. All my anger is directed to my husband.

I asked him to give me a few days alone to think about what I want to do. He's staying with his brother for a few days, but is e-mailing me (with my permission). He's guilt-stricken and terrified of losing his family over this.

I just don't know where to go from here. I'd like to work things out, but I'm so angry every time I see him. I look at him and imagine them together. Honestly, I want to wring his neck and send him back to Florida, but at the same time, I don't want to just give up 8 years without a fight. Especially if he's genuinely going to try to fix our marriage.

We've got twin 1 year old, so the last year and a half hasn't exactly been a bed of roses. I was on bedrest, they were very premature, and when they got home we spent a lot of time just surviving one day at a time. I'm just now getting to the point where I feel like I've got a handle on things. However, there's never an excuse for cheating. Never. It's the one thing I told him I didn't know if I could forgive. I always told him, if you're going to cheat, just leave. At least then I could still have some respect for him.

I feel like everything we had is gone. All the trust, all the respect, all the comfort of a relationship is dead. Right now, I've got to decide if the person I am NOW, and the person he is NOW can be together. If so, then we'll have to build a new relationship from the ground up. If not, at least I can look at my kids and say I tried everything to save our family.

move him back home and expose this to everyone to give some accountability.

prd

Welcome to Marriage builders and I am sorry you are here.

Here is a link to a thread that you should read from beginning to end. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

It seems like you instinctively know to snoop and figure out what is truly going on in your life. Has this affair been exposed to everyone? That is going to be your next step if that has not been done yet.

If you have any questions about anything that you read, feel free to ask.

Really? That seems very vindictive. I haven't read the books yet, so I can't really say. What is the reasoning behind that?

OK, to answer the questions posted by the other thread


How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? I'm 26. My WS is 29.

Do you have any children? How old are they? We have 15 month old boy/girl twins

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you? We've been married 6 years and it's a first for both.

How did your WS meet their AP? They went to high school together.

How long did the A last? The build up/emotional part has lasted 6 months or longer. The physical lasted 1 day. (so they both say, anyways)

How did you find out about the A? I snooped in his e-mail and confronted him over the phone on his way back from his tryst weekend.

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it? I'm going tonight to get it from the bookstore. I'll probably say up tonight and read it.

Sorry you are here Sky. You are now part of the club that none of us wanted to ever join. The good news is that you found us here at MB and there are many amazing people here to help you through this. Some have recovered marriages and some do not. We are bound together by the common thread of adultery. We each have to choose our own path and whatever you ultimately decide, you will find support here.

Stick around for a while. Read the articles. Read other threads. Learn the MB concepts. I think you have an excellent chance of saving your marriage if that is what you decide to do. I won't kid you though..it's alot of hard work for both you and your WH. But it can be done.

One other thing....don't tell your WH quite yet about this forum. This is your place for advice and support at this time. Perhaps down the line he can join you here but not just yet.

sky,

If you want to R your M, you've found the best place to show you how to do that. There's alot to learn about A's and why people have them, but the bottom line is that they are ALL the same. Your WH like all other WSs found he was entitled enough to have his needs met outside of your M. He failed to protect you, your M and his weaknesses. Basically he had no boundaries and gave himself permission. What was happening in your M at the time may have contributed to his thought process, however, you are not to blame for his A. There is NEVER an excuse for an A. Remember that.

First step is to make sure the A has ended. He needs to write a no contact letter to her saying that what he did was wrong and you did not deserve it. And he does not want to see or hear from her ever again. Then YOU mail it. He needs to become completely transparent, answering all of your questions and giving you all passwords, etc.

You should continue to snoop. Usually these don't end right away. Exposing the A to family and friends is a way to end the A. It is not vindictive. Shining the light on bad behavior tends to stop the bad behavior. KWIM? It's not unusual for a new BS to NOT want to expose but if there is ANY doubt that this has not ended, you should expose immediately.

You can get through this and you can R your M. It may not seem possible now, but it really is. It takes about 2 yrs+ to R from an A and it'll be the hardest thing that you do. R is not for sissies. If your WH is actually on board and WANTING your M, your chances are great.

X2

Exposure is not vindictive. Its your best tool to fight the A. He might have ended it before you called. he might not have too. What if she calls in a week or so? Will he pick up? There are a TON of threads on false recoveries on the board. That is what happens when the A continues and they use the cover or recovery to hide it.

No one has an affair in public. Its a dirty thing that no one brags about to their parents. Thats PRECISELY why you have to tell anyone that can help. Here are the KEY People that must know.

Your parents and family. They will rally around you for support

His parents - They will be ashamed and ask WTF he is doing running around on his BS with this OM trash

Is the OM married? Then her husband MUST be informed. Its key.

All his close friends - so they wont be as likely to cover for him. They increase the shame factor.

It sounds harse and it is. But your WH brought this on himself.

Do NOT get caught up in the fact that he just "fooled around" That just means they didnt have SF THIS TIME. No telling what happened in the past or could happen in the future. He will lie right to your face. You know this because he already did.

Other things to consider. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. You have kids to take care of.

You sound like your all over snooping be sure to cover the cell phone bills, keyloggers, and credit card statements. Watch for purchases from a store that carries boost mobile phones.

He sounds contrite. If he is that is good. He needs to be 100% transparent. He should buy a GPS for his phone/car and give you access. He should give you all his passwords. Facebook ESPECIALLY. Its best if he just drops it at a minimum you should approve all his friends. Facebook is nothing but trouble since it makes contact so easy.

Start thinking about you as well. What needs were you not providing that he had to go out of the M to meet them. Try to meet those needs. Look up the emotional needs questionaire and fill it out. He should fill out the ENQ as well and give it to you. Those are things you can do to start rebuilding your love bank.

If you have the $$$ make an appointment the coaching center. They are your BEST BUY for the money. They specialize in this. The are a billion times better than the marriage councilor on the street that just causes divorces. They dont waste time with feelings and blah blah. They just give you a plan and if you follow it to the T you recover. It works.

Best of luck to you. We will be here when you need us.

I am definitely continuing to snoop. As I told him, all trust is completely gone. I'll decide when and if it's coming back. He's given me complete control of his computer and I've moved it to the family room instead of in the back bedroom. The only other internet access in on my Ipad, which is never in his possession, so not an issue. I'm installing a keylogger tonight (without him knowing). He wrote and cc'd me a NC letter (before I asked)to the other woman and she wrote me back what appeared to be a sincere apology and a promise never to contact him again. I know that he sent it to her, not some imaginary e-mail address because I found her profile on Facebook and sent it directly on there. Not that that means I trust either of them, but at least she's not fighting it. I told him I want a handwritten letter that I can mail and he said he'll write it tonight.

I haven't told him I have any plans to expose the affair, but he told me that I should do whatever I feel I need to do. In his words "I've forfeited any right to ask anything of you. Whatever you think you need to do, do it. I have no right to anything right now." I'll probably notify his family tomorrow. His brother already knows. WS told him because he wanted advice. His brother is very close to both of us and is helping us out by watching our kids while we take some time alone to talk about our issues.

I feel like he's giving in too easily. He keeps telling me to tell him what I want him to do and he'll do it. He seems too eager, it seems, to give in and come back to the fold, so to speak. Is this a bad sign? I'm still snooping, of course. I'll be doing it for years, I imagine.

He says he'll do anything, and put everything into working on our marriage. I just wish I could believe that like I would have a couple of days ago. Now I can't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth.

his response is quite common. he doesnt want to lose you and has made a huge mistake. he seems repentant. you may well be on your way to recovery. you probably still need to expose this to a tight circle to keep him accountable.

prd

I like the GPS on the phone idea. I'll do that tomorrow. He's already given me control of his facebook, e-mail, yahoo messenger, computer and cell phone. I'm searching around to make sure there's no "throw away" phones, installing a key logger on the computer and monitoring our bank statements and credit card.

I need to tell him he can come home. He's been giving me space because I needed it, but from what I understand, he needs to be under the same roof as me and his kids. Right?

We're lucky in that his work will pay for 8 counseling sessions a year for any reason. You just contact HR to notify them and they send a list of counselors in the area. We'll probably need much more than 8 sessions, but it will help with the money factor anyways.

Should we work with the marriage counselor that's not MB? Or should we stick with the books and try to raise the money to work with the MB counseling center. It would take a while to get the money, so I'm not sure if we should use a local marriage counselor in the meantime.

Well, of course you don't trust him. The thing is, you won't even trust yourself to trust him for a really really long time. That's because you trusted him once, you believed him once, and he did a HORRIBLE thing with that trust.

Now that we have the trust issue out of the way, let's move on. You DO NOT tell your WH that you are going to expose. You just DO IT. He already knows he had(is having) an affair. You will tell people who of most influence over your WH and OW.

Snooping to make sure that there is NC is GREAT. Install the keylogger. Don't tell your WH. Also, you may want to buy a VAR and record him where ever he is most likely to contact her again(his car, a spare room, etc). He MAY have an affair phone(that's a secret cell phone that the AP's use to communicate with each other).

I read the thread about using a digital recorder. I'm going to install it in his car, because I know that's when they talked. He's got almost 45 minute drive home. I'm also planning to use that 45 minutes to call and talk to him about his day. Less temptation to call if he's already busy talking to his wife, I hope.

I'm most worried about his work though. Is there any way to monitor what goes on there? His work has made it clear to all employees that they can, will, and do monitor phones, e-mail and internet, so I don't think he'll be stupid enough to try to get away with things there. I wish I could monitor it though.

How to find a good marriage councilor

Please read this thread before you do the non MB marriage councilor. The last straw that caused my WW to "check out" of the M was a bad M councilor. The divorce rate is higher than the general population. There are good ones out there but you got to look for them.

Go the first time by yourself and ask the questions in the article. dont ask about marriage builders ask about his treatment techniques. If he spouts off stuff about communication and feelings RUN to the door. He needs to GUIDE you through the recovery process, not facilitate conflict. If you think you found the guy tell him what you want. Be clear.

If cash is tight then here is some options maybe to stretch it. Consider buying a few session coaching from jennifer or steve. Tell them on your first appointment that you would like them to help you with just compensation, injury recovery, and EP.

Just compensation and injury recovery go hand in hand. Its things YOU need to forgive him when you are ready. He will have to answer all your questions, be as transparent as you need to ensure NC. Steve or Jennifer will explain to him exactly how much damage this A has done to you. The hurt and pain it caused. He will also access how "on board" he really is. WS cant "fake it" with them. You HAVE to treat the injury before you can move on. That way you can close the book and it doesnt creep into your life again.

After that you can buy the home study course for HNHN. It will cost about as much as 1 hr with the coaches.

It might seem like a lot of money at first. I think of it this way. Im using steve. I buy the 5 session packages so I pay $175 an hour to buy the BEST chance at saving my M. Im paying $150 an hour to destroy it with my divorce attorney (not to mention a $5500 retainer). So its a bargain. The M coaches are worth it.

If your ready yes. YOU claim your bed though. If he or you isnt comfortable with this HE sleeps on the coach.
Sit him down with his boss. Have him explain the problem too him. Maybe he can have OW number blocked. Your WH is talking the talk but the doubt will drive you NUTZ. Its better to ensure it.

The Harleys (MB) will do more for your R in several sessions than a year with someone else. Please consider them your first priority.

The OW reply

I debated all night over whether or not this will hurt you any more than the situation already has, I apologize for the delay. I could not be more sorry for what I have done to you, to your family. I know you probably do not want to hear what I have to say outside of what you requested, but there are a few things I would like you to know besides that.

To be perfectly honest, I was wrapping up an incredible date when WS got into town. WS and I are friends and never had any intention of being together in any other way. WS and I clearly crossed quite a few lines when we talked, but never expected it to be anything but that... talk. The night WS came in we did kiss and we did sleep in the same bed. I will spare you the graphic details, but we did "fool around" a little. Me more than him. We did not have sex BS, I promise you that. In hindsight, kissing is more intimate than either of us wanted it to get, so the rest was a fluke. He was here for less than 24 hours. We went to the beach, a movie, the park and to dinner before he hit the road home.

I apologize for my part in what has happened. I feel as though I will never be able to portray through words alone just how sorry I am. I realize I have not only hurt WS, but you and your babies as well. I am the biggest mistake WS will ever make. WS has been a dear friend for years and at times my best. I care about him a lot. That is why I promise you that I will never speak to him again. I am jealous of you BS. You have everything I have ever wanted and you got it the right way. I am sorry that I have jeopardized that for you. I know "I'm sorry" does not change the fact that it happened or take the pain away, but I would like to say this...

WS wants you BS, that never changed. Losing you and the babies is exactly what he feels he deserves, but you and I both know that would kill him. Despite what he has done, WS is a good man. I know you know that, you did marry him...

I will never know if you stay with WS, but I hope you will.

Best Regards,

OW

slyblue, your H and the OW have got together and contrived a story. First off, "fooling around" *IS* sex. And secondly, it did go much further than that. I would tell your H this story is not believable and you have a right to the full truth. They did have sex. And if he won't admit that, I would schedule a polygraph PRONTO.

Don't move forward until he tells the truth. You are being lied to.

That's my suspicion as well. I don't believe either of them.

Don't even ask him if its true. Tell him you know it is not and tell him there will be no going forward until the full truth comes out. And then give him an opportunity to take a polygraph.

The first thing you should do is expose this affair wide and far, skyblue. That will give the affairees a much needed dose of reality.

There is a very simple solution to get the truth. Schedule a polygraph. Once you have scheduled it tell WH that the polygraph will be on X date at X time and you expect him to be there. If he gives you some song and dance about how poly's are unreliable...blah blah then that could indicate guilt.

In many cases the WS will eventually come clean with the truth just before the poly because they realize that they can no longer lie their way out of it.

I know the poly will cost some $'s but what price is your peace of mind worth?

He admitted he fooled around with her.

Is it okay with you for your husband to be naked with another woman? If so, is it okay with you for them to fondle each other?

I mean, the answer to those is "no," right?

What he admitted doing with her IS sex. I'm sure he did more than he admitted, but what he admitted is sex, is adultery, is wrong, and is abusive to you. And it's abusive to you for him to try to brainwash you into thinking it wasn't sex.

They will ALWAYS say that when caught as well. Frequently OM will have long conversations with the BS and still try to sneak in under the radar.

You are doing the right thing by ensuring NC. Just do NOT loosen the reins because of the words either say.

The A is just as damaging if they had sex or not. He is just as wayward. If its important to you get the polygraph, then you will know for sure.

Id also have him take and STD test. Its too big of a risk NOT to.

I already scheduled an STD test yesterday. I honestly don't care if they had sex or were "just fooling around". It's cheating regardless and no less painful either way. I'm looking at polygraphs. I just don't know if there's any way we can afford it without taking away things that our children need. We're very broke right now because of the economy and me not working. $500 dollars is more than we have in the bank account right now and we don't use credit cards at all.

I would ask for help with your family, have you spoken to them about this? Let them know ANYTHING will help even it is just $50.00, explain why you NEED this polygraph done, for your own sanity.

Well, then you have to decide how important the truth is to you. If you don't care to find out if they had intercourse or not then don't bother with the poly. Some people have to know the absolute truth of everything and others don't. You have to figure out which one you are. If you need to know the entire truth 100% then you better find a way to swing the poly otherwise you will always wonder what really happened that night and it will hinder your recovery for years to come.

I'll talk with family soon. I revealed to his family today. I'll reveal to my family after my sister's wedding this weekend. I don't want to ruin her wedding and a couple days won't make a difference. I'm looking into selling things to make the money. You're right, I need to know.

It is not so much a matter of getting every lurid detail, but that the OW and the WS have a SECRET to which to skyblue is not privy. It will be impossible to restore trust as long as they have secrets to which she is not privy. Her H is still LYING about the affair.

ALL of the truth has to come out, skyblue. And you may not want each and every lurid detail, but your WS has to be WILLING to give you that if you want. But you can't even get to that point because your H is still lying about the basic structure.

Since d day my h has been there for me asking some of the same question, showing remorse and saying he'll do what it takes to heal. So it's not that odd and it doesn't have to mean anything bad. Lots of affairs end on d day. Tell him what you need, stay vigilant and get the support of others. (exposure)

If your h says we'll do what it takes...let him show you.
Hang in there! It's a tough road.

I just wanted to add, do not give him any indication of what the questions for the poly will be.

Mel is absolutely correct with what she is saying here. Just so you understand, the BS deserves to know the enitre truth of what happened. Your WS should be open and willing to answer ANY question that you may have. It is up to you to decide what level of detail you need. Some people don't want to know lurid details because it is too painful. Other people need to know everything right down to specific sexual acts or even positions. Everybody is a little different. But, the key here is that whatever level of detail you need your WH is willing to provide honest answers.

More is coming out. She came to our city when I was out of town visiting my family. I know there's more. I am continuing to press the issue. I'm listening to my instincts. I've been suppressing them too long and I'll believe my instincts, not my husband, to tell me when I think I've heard everything.

This is called trickle truth. I think the polygraph would be the best way to go right now. I understand that money is tight. You don't want trickle truth though. As the vets tell posters all of the time, "It's like dying a death of 1000 cuts." It is better to try to get it all out ASAP. A poly will do that.

Thanks. I'm looking for ways to come up with the money. I'm also questioning if I even care enough to try to find out. I don't know if I want to save the marriage. He professes to love me, but I don't think it's possible that he even cares about me.

You have the time to decide if you want to attempt to save this marriage. The thing is, you can't make that decision without ALL of the info. That is why it is important to find out. You don't want to get into recovery and then find out something that would make you run for the hills.

I suppose so.

I suspect he does love you. However, he is a selfish wayward who foolishly chose to indulge in his selfishness. He is now at judgment day. He no longer gets to drive the bus. YOU do. YOU determine the outcome right now, sky. He owes you the reality of your existence during the time of his A. Whatever details they have about their A that you wish to know needs to be told to you. Tell your WH he is 'trickle-truthing." Truth has a way of coming out - don't let him wait until you find out more from a third party.

Why are YOU looking around for polygraph money? Why isn't HE going to his parents and other sources of money with his hat in his hand? He certainly managed to scare up the cash to visit OW didn't he?

Because I thought I wasn't supposed to tell him about the polygraph until I had it set up and ready to go.

You should tell him that even though he thinks not telling you all of the details is for the best, it is NOT. Tell him it is better to hear ALL of the facts now, not 6 months down the road. Hearing something new THEN will bring you straight back to DDay. There cannot be any secrets between him and OW. I think Pep just bumped up a thread called Joseph's Letter. Print it out and give it to him. Hopefully he will get it.

Don't make any rash or life changing decisions for a good six months sky. Your emotions may get the best of you. You've got time. Take things slow. It usually takes a WS awhile to really understand what's been asked of them. Hang tight.

Ok, well I told him I wanted a poly, but explained the money thing. He sold his x-box to one of his friends and a few other games and things. He made up most of the money and we can swing the rest of it. He's come clean on a lot of things, is still denying actual sex and says he's fine taking the poly to prove it. I set up an appointment for tomorrow (I'm shocked they could get us in that quickly) and I guess we'll know then.

wonderful

WTG. WOOOOOHOOOOO

Just wanted to make sure. When you go to print "Joseph's Letter" (if you decide to do that) make sure you copy and paste it into notepad(or wordpad or word). That way he can't track you down here. You don't want him here, YET. Possibly soon. Not, yet.

If he tries to find you from "Joseph's Letter," it won't lead to here. Google it and you will find a TONNE of places where it is.

Yeah, I've been keeping this place under wraps. It's the only thing that's keeping me sane, at the moment. I'm reading "Surviving an Affair" now and it's opening my eyes a lot. I read "His needs, her needs" last night and passed it to WH. He's going to read the first 2-3 chapters and we're going to talk them through tomorrow night. We've been having problems in our marriage for a long time and I'm actually feeling somewhat hopeful that we can move towards a healthy relationship eventually. I'm implementing "Plan A" and, of course, verifying everything by snooping as much as possible.

He gave me the e-mail and password to his "junk" e-mail account that I wasn't aware of. He also logged onto his work e-mail and let me sit down and read everything there. He's not allowed to give me the password as he works at a law firm, but the firm also has it so nothing can ever be deleted. He showed me where all the deleted e-mails are saved and I spent a long time looking through them. He told me any time I wanted to check things out, just let him know. I have access to his yahoo and surreptitiously changed the settings to archive automatically. I did so on his MSN messenger, though it said he hadn't been on there in 2 years, so I'm not as concerned with that one.

Thank you, everyone and especially Scotland. I honestly felt (and feel) like I'm drowning. You're helping me stay sane and I'm so glad I found this forum.

I am just paying it forward Hun. All I ask of you is to try to recover(as long as you WANT to) your marriage and maybe one day you can pay it forward too(if you have time, after spending the minimum 15 hours a week UA time with your DH).

It is very encouraging to read your posts about what your WH is willing to do for you as far as showing you all of his emails, etc. I am super glad that you are being vigilant and snooping anyways. You are doing a SUPERB job. Keep it up.

You are doing great Sky! Your WH appears to be doing the right things at this point in time. This is all good. There is much hard work ahead of both of you but you really do have an excellent chance of recovery and ultimately having a better marriage then ever if you follow the MB principles and work the plans. Remember, it's a marathon not a sprint. You will have plenty of emotions both up and down in the coming weeks/months. Try to keep yourself as level headed as possible. Don't let the ups get you to up or the downs get you to down. You can do this.

Stay here and we will help you.

About to leave. Wish me luck... or peace... or, good thoughts. I'm expecting the worst (multiple partners, long term affair, etc.) and hoping for the best (He's come completely clean already.)

I hope it comes out for the best. Im sure these answers will give you peace one way or the other.

I agree its very promising him selling stuff to give you this peace. Its real actions and not just words.

Just got finished with 2.5 very hard hours of re-living everything that happened. Shocker of shockers, he actually was telling the truth about everything prior to the polygraph. (when he sold his x-box). He met her twice, had oral sex, kissing and fondling. No sexual intercourse was uncovered during the polygraph. There was an extensive EA for around 6 months prior to this. He's had no contact since D-day other than the NC letter and the e-mail she sent him and he told me about and forwarded to me.

I've made it very clear and he agrees that the fact that there was no intercourse does not mean that what he did was any less painful or that he's any less culpable. He broke our marriage vows in a deliberate and very cruel way. But I do feel like this is the first step to rebuilding our relationship. The fact that he's been totally honest so far is comforting and his gesture to sell things he considers prize possessions for my peace of mind showed me that he really does want to fix things. He's not just saying it.

This is very good news Sky! What I mean by that is the fact that he has been telling you the truth since discovery. That speaks volumes about where he is at and about your chances for a full recovery. That said, there is ALOT of work for both of you to do. Finish reading SAA and then ask WH to read it as well. Complete the EN questionaire on this site to determine what each of your top EN's are. These are just a few things to get you started. It's a long and painful road but you have an excellent chance of recovery (assuming that you want that).

Also want to say that I'm sorry for the pain you had to go through this morning. It is very difficult. But, there is no way around it. You have to go through it. You are doing great so far....

ok, but this means he was LYING when he said they didn't have sex. That was a lie. Does he know what it means to "have sex?"

This was not an emotional affair, but a physical affair.

skyblue, he has not been honest. Here is what you said in your first post:


Here is what you said today:

He admitted it right after I confronted him. I knew about the oral sex. When I write to you guys, I'm differentiating oral sex from intercourse sex for the purposes of explaining why I didn't think he was coming completely clean. Of course it's was a physical affair and he had sex, cheated and broke his marriage vows. That part is agreed to by both. I've just been differentiating between the two acts for the sole purpose of explaining that I didn't belive it was "just" oral sex. I believed he was trying to minimize what he did in some twisted way. I don't think one is better or worse than the other, but I differentiated between the two for the purposes of finding out exactly what occurred.

I'm also differentiating between the start of the emotional affair and the start of the physical affair for the purposes of a timeline, not because I believe he "only" had an emotional affair.


I just read that paragraph and I don't know if it makes sense or not. Hopefully I made sense.

You're right. I called it "fooling around" because to me it sounded better than "oral sex". But he did tell me that they had oral sex. I (at the time) was trying to minimize it and trying to make it seem like it wasn't sex. It was stupid to try to pretend that it wasn't as bad because it wasn't intercourse. I do realize that it is just as bad. I apologize for not being clear at the time.

And you are right. The first night, he was not totally honest. He did tell me everything that the polygraph confirmed the second night when I pressed and told him I needed to know everything or we couldn't even try to fix this. I guess that's the point that I was talking about when I said "honest so far". I don't need to minimize that and I don't mean to. I might sound like I'm minimizing things, and I did at the beginning. I'm now trying to let things be exactly as painful as they are. There's no reason for me to make things "look" better than they are.

sky, it is good news for you that you have a seemingly repentant spouse on your hands. You will move on in your recovery but you will also keep a close eye on your WH. Have you finished reading SAA yet? You will need to get to the recovery part so you can start working. I am SO happy for you.

Oh, I am. Keylogger is installed and checked regularly, e-mail is checked a few times a day ( in case of deleting so I don't see it). GPS is installed on his phone.

I feel like it's moving too fast though. I still need some time to process it. Are we really ready for recovery yet? It's not even been a full week since D-Day. We had some really painful and therapeutic talks tonight. I'll never excuse what he did. I am beginning to see why he did it though.

I"m also beginning to think I've been depressed for a long time. The talks we've had tonight are the first time I've felt alive and engaged with anything in two years. I've felt so dead inside. I think I need to see a therapist on my own, because I don't want to feel that way anymore.

Small steps. You're doing just fine. Don't get too obsessed with the snooping. Just verify what he tells you when you feel it necessary. Trust will sloooooooooowly come back.

It's good and necessary to examine your contribution to the state of the M prior to the A. You own half of that. See what you can fix.

Keep those conversations going. When he says something that hurts or you don't agree with, stay calm. Make it safe for him to tell you things. That's always good. If you feel an AO coming on, tell him that the topic is upsetting you and you'd like to continue later. It's much better to do that than to go ballistic. You're trying to meet some of his ENs and LBs will just cancel them out.

You're doing great sky and I have to give your WH kudos for selling his game to pay for the poly. That speaks volumes. Good for him.

sky, when my H was busted by the OWH it was like an atomic bomb of reality had been dropped on him. He completely defogged at that moment. Your WH may be the same way. That doesn't change your stategy for healing - snoop like a bloodhound.

It is imperative that you work with your WH to uncover his needs, as well as yours. ENQ post-haste, sister.