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There is a very simple solution to get the truth. Schedule a polygraph. Once you have scheduled it tell WH that the polygraph will be on X date at X time and you expect him to be there. If he gives you some song and dance about how poly's are unreliable...blah blah then that could indicate guilt.

In many cases the WS will eventually come clean with the truth just before the poly because they realize that they can no longer lie their way out of it.

I know the poly will cost some $'s but what price is your peace of mind worth?


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Originally Posted by skybluepink02
That's my suspicion as well. I don't believe either of them.

He admitted he fooled around with her.

Is it okay with you for your husband to be naked with another woman? If so, is it okay with you for them to fondle each other?

I mean, the answer to those is "no," right?

What he admitted doing with her IS sex. I'm sure he did more than he admitted, but what he admitted is sex, is adultery, is wrong, and is abusive to you. And it's abusive to you for him to try to brainwash you into thinking it wasn't sex.


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Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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That is why I promise you that I will never speak to him again. I am jealous of you BS. You have everything I have ever wanted and you got it the right way. I am sorry that I have jeopardized that for you. I know "I'm sorry" does not change the fact that it happened or take the pain away, but I would like to say this...

They will ALWAYS say that when caught as well. Frequently OM will have long conversations with the BS and still try to sneak in under the radar.

You are doing the right thing by ensuring NC. Just do NOT loosen the reins because of the words either say.

The A is just as damaging if they had sex or not. He is just as wayward. If its important to you get the polygraph, then you will know for sure.

Id also have him take and STD test. Its too big of a risk NOT to.


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
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I already scheduled an STD test yesterday. I honestly don't care if they had sex or were "just fooling around". It's cheating regardless and no less painful either way. I'm looking at polygraphs. I just don't know if there's any way we can afford it without taking away things that our children need. We're very broke right now because of the economy and me not working. $500 dollars is more than we have in the bank account right now and we don't use credit cards at all.

Last edited by skybluepink02; 06/16/10 09:03 AM.
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I would ask for help with your family, have you spoken to them about this? Let them know ANYTHING will help even it is just $50.00, explain why you NEED this polygraph done, for your own sanity.


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Well, then you have to decide how important the truth is to you. If you don't care to find out if they had intercourse or not then don't bother with the poly. Some people have to know the absolute truth of everything and others don't. You have to figure out which one you are. If you need to know the entire truth 100% then you better find a way to swing the poly otherwise you will always wonder what really happened that night and it will hinder your recovery for years to come.

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I'll talk with family soon. I revealed to his family today. I'll reveal to my family after my sister's wedding this weekend. I don't want to ruin her wedding and a couple days won't make a difference. I'm looking into selling things to make the money. You're right, I need to know.

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Originally Posted by mindshare
Well, then you have to decide how important the truth is to you. If you don't care to find out if they had intercourse or not then don't bother with the poly. Some people have to know the absolute truth of everything and others don't. You have to figure out which one you are.

It is not so much a matter of getting every lurid detail, but that the OW and the WS have a SECRET to which to skyblue is not privy. It will be impossible to restore trust as long as they have secrets to which she is not privy. Her H is still LYING about the affair.

ALL of the truth has to come out, skyblue. And you may not want each and every lurid detail, but your WS has to be WILLING to give you that if you want. But you can't even get to that point because your H is still lying about the basic structure.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by skybluepink02
I'll talk with family soon. I revealed to his family today. I'll reveal to my family after my sister's wedding this weekend. I don't want to ruin her wedding and a couple days won't make a difference. I'm looking into selling things to make the money. You're right, I need to know.

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Another thing you can do that has proven to be one of the most powerful weapons against an affair is exposure on facebook to the OM�s friends. Facebook is a collection of the person�s closest and most important friends, all in one spot! We have had numerous affairs killed in the SAME DAY after a facebook exposure. They are DEADLY. What we did was make a copy of all the names of all the OP�s friends FIRST. [this is important because once the OP gets wind you are sending out messages to his friends, he will close his page] You will have to send out an email, one by one to his facebook friends. It should go something like this:

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Since d day my h has been there for me asking some of the same question, showing remorse and saying he'll do what it takes to heal. So it's not that odd and it doesn't have to mean anything bad. Lots of affairs end on d day. Tell him what you need, stay vigilant and get the support of others. (exposure)

If your h says we'll do what it takes...let him show you.
Hang in there! It's a tough road.


Me: BW
DH: Had a 2yr. affair with my brother's wife.
D Day 11-10-09
Working hard on recovery!
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Originally Posted by mindshare
There is a very simple solution to get the truth. Schedule a polygraph. Once you have scheduled it tell WH that the polygraph will be on X date at X time and you expect him to be there. If he gives you some song and dance about how poly's are unreliable...blah blah then that could indicate guilt.

In many cases the WS will eventually come clean with the truth just before the poly because they realize that they can no longer lie their way out of it.

I know the poly will cost some $'s but what price is your peace of mind worth?
I just wanted to add, do not give him any indication of what the questions for the poly will be.


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
It is not so much a matter of getting every lurid detail, but that the OW and the WS have a SECRET to which to skyblue is not privy. It will be impossible to restore trust as long as they have secrets to which she is not privy. Her H is still LYING about the affair.

Mel is absolutely correct with what she is saying here. Just so you understand, the BS deserves to know the enitre truth of what happened. Your WS should be open and willing to answer ANY question that you may have. It is up to you to decide what level of detail you need. Some people don't want to know lurid details because it is too painful. Other people need to know everything right down to specific sexual acts or even positions. Everybody is a little different. But, the key here is that whatever level of detail you need your WH is willing to provide honest answers.

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More is coming out. She came to our city when I was out of town visiting my family. I know there's more. I am continuing to press the issue. I'm listening to my instincts. I've been suppressing them too long and I'll believe my instincts, not my husband, to tell me when I think I've heard everything.

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This is called trickle truth. I think the polygraph would be the best way to go right now. I understand that money is tight. You don't want trickle truth though. As the vets tell posters all of the time, "It's like dying a death of 1000 cuts." It is better to try to get it all out ASAP. A poly will do that. smile


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Thanks. I'm looking for ways to come up with the money. I'm also questioning if I even care enough to try to find out. I don't know if I want to save the marriage. He professes to love me, but I don't think it's possible that he even cares about me.

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You have the time to decide if you want to attempt to save this marriage. The thing is, you can't make that decision without ALL of the info. That is why it is important to find out. You don't want to get into recovery and then find out something that would make you run for the hills.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I suppose so.

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Originally Posted by skybluepink02
Thanks. I'm looking for ways to come up with the money. I'm also questioning if I even care enough to try to find out. I don't know if I want to save the marriage. He professes to love me, but I don't think it's possible that he even cares about me.

I suspect he does love you. However, he is a selfish wayward who foolishly chose to indulge in his selfishness. He is now at judgment day. He no longer gets to drive the bus. YOU do. YOU determine the outcome right now, sky. He owes you the reality of your existence during the time of his A. Whatever details they have about their A that you wish to know needs to be told to you. Tell your WH he is 'trickle-truthing." Truth has a way of coming out - don't let him wait until you find out more from a third party.

Why are YOU looking around for polygraph money? Why isn't HE going to his parents and other sources of money with his hat in his hand? He certainly managed to scare up the cash to visit OW didn't he?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Why are YOU looking around for polygraph money? Why isn't HE going to his parents and other sources of money with his hat in his hand? He certainly managed to scare up the cash to visit OW didn't he?

Because I thought I wasn't supposed to tell him about the polygraph until I had it set up and ready to go.

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You should tell him that even though he thinks not telling you all of the details is for the best, it is NOT. Tell him it is better to hear ALL of the facts now, not 6 months down the road. Hearing something new THEN will bring you straight back to DDay. There cannot be any secrets between him and OW. I think Pep just bumped up a thread called Joseph's Letter. Print it out and give it to him. Hopefully he will get it.

Don't make any rash or life changing decisions for a good six months sky. Your emotions may get the best of you. You've got time. Take things slow. It usually takes a WS awhile to really understand what's been asked of them. Hang tight.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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