Ok, well I told him I wanted a poly, but explained the money thing. He sold his x-box to one of his friends and a few other games and things. He made up most of the money and we can swing the rest of it. He's come clean on a lot of things, is still denying actual sex and says he's fine taking the poly to prove it. I set up an appointment for tomorrow (I'm shocked they could get us in that quickly) and I guess we'll know then.

wonderful

WTG. WOOOOOHOOOOO

Just wanted to make sure. When you go to print "Joseph's Letter" (if you decide to do that) make sure you copy and paste it into notepad(or wordpad or word). That way he can't track you down here. You don't want him here, YET. Possibly soon. Not, yet.

If he tries to find you from "Joseph's Letter," it won't lead to here. Google it and you will find a TONNE of places where it is.

Yeah, I've been keeping this place under wraps. It's the only thing that's keeping me sane, at the moment. I'm reading "Surviving an Affair" now and it's opening my eyes a lot. I read "His needs, her needs" last night and passed it to WH. He's going to read the first 2-3 chapters and we're going to talk them through tomorrow night. We've been having problems in our marriage for a long time and I'm actually feeling somewhat hopeful that we can move towards a healthy relationship eventually. I'm implementing "Plan A" and, of course, verifying everything by snooping as much as possible.

He gave me the e-mail and password to his "junk" e-mail account that I wasn't aware of. He also logged onto his work e-mail and let me sit down and read everything there. He's not allowed to give me the password as he works at a law firm, but the firm also has it so nothing can ever be deleted. He showed me where all the deleted e-mails are saved and I spent a long time looking through them. He told me any time I wanted to check things out, just let him know. I have access to his yahoo and surreptitiously changed the settings to archive automatically. I did so on his MSN messenger, though it said he hadn't been on there in 2 years, so I'm not as concerned with that one.

Thank you, everyone and especially Scotland. I honestly felt (and feel) like I'm drowning. You're helping me stay sane and I'm so glad I found this forum.

I am just paying it forward Hun. All I ask of you is to try to recover(as long as you WANT to) your marriage and maybe one day you can pay it forward too(if you have time, after spending the minimum 15 hours a week UA time with your DH).

It is very encouraging to read your posts about what your WH is willing to do for you as far as showing you all of his emails, etc. I am super glad that you are being vigilant and snooping anyways. You are doing a SUPERB job. Keep it up.

You are doing great Sky! Your WH appears to be doing the right things at this point in time. This is all good. There is much hard work ahead of both of you but you really do have an excellent chance of recovery and ultimately having a better marriage then ever if you follow the MB principles and work the plans. Remember, it's a marathon not a sprint. You will have plenty of emotions both up and down in the coming weeks/months. Try to keep yourself as level headed as possible. Don't let the ups get you to up or the downs get you to down. You can do this.

Stay here and we will help you.

About to leave. Wish me luck... or peace... or, good thoughts. I'm expecting the worst (multiple partners, long term affair, etc.) and hoping for the best (He's come completely clean already.)

I hope it comes out for the best. Im sure these answers will give you peace one way or the other.

I agree its very promising him selling stuff to give you this peace. Its real actions and not just words.

Just got finished with 2.5 very hard hours of re-living everything that happened. Shocker of shockers, he actually was telling the truth about everything prior to the polygraph. (when he sold his x-box). He met her twice, had oral sex, kissing and fondling. No sexual intercourse was uncovered during the polygraph. There was an extensive EA for around 6 months prior to this. He's had no contact since D-day other than the NC letter and the e-mail she sent him and he told me about and forwarded to me.

I've made it very clear and he agrees that the fact that there was no intercourse does not mean that what he did was any less painful or that he's any less culpable. He broke our marriage vows in a deliberate and very cruel way. But I do feel like this is the first step to rebuilding our relationship. The fact that he's been totally honest so far is comforting and his gesture to sell things he considers prize possessions for my peace of mind showed me that he really does want to fix things. He's not just saying it.

This is very good news Sky! What I mean by that is the fact that he has been telling you the truth since discovery. That speaks volumes about where he is at and about your chances for a full recovery. That said, there is ALOT of work for both of you to do. Finish reading SAA and then ask WH to read it as well. Complete the EN questionaire on this site to determine what each of your top EN's are. These are just a few things to get you started. It's a long and painful road but you have an excellent chance of recovery (assuming that you want that).

Also want to say that I'm sorry for the pain you had to go through this morning. It is very difficult. But, there is no way around it. You have to go through it. You are doing great so far....

ok, but this means he was LYING when he said they didn't have sex. That was a lie. Does he know what it means to "have sex?"

This was not an emotional affair, but a physical affair.

skyblue, he has not been honest. Here is what you said in your first post:


Here is what you said today:

He admitted it right after I confronted him. I knew about the oral sex. When I write to you guys, I'm differentiating oral sex from intercourse sex for the purposes of explaining why I didn't think he was coming completely clean. Of course it's was a physical affair and he had sex, cheated and broke his marriage vows. That part is agreed to by both. I've just been differentiating between the two acts for the sole purpose of explaining that I didn't belive it was "just" oral sex. I believed he was trying to minimize what he did in some twisted way. I don't think one is better or worse than the other, but I differentiated between the two for the purposes of finding out exactly what occurred.

I'm also differentiating between the start of the emotional affair and the start of the physical affair for the purposes of a timeline, not because I believe he "only" had an emotional affair.


I just read that paragraph and I don't know if it makes sense or not. Hopefully I made sense.

You're right. I called it "fooling around" because to me it sounded better than "oral sex". But he did tell me that they had oral sex. I (at the time) was trying to minimize it and trying to make it seem like it wasn't sex. It was stupid to try to pretend that it wasn't as bad because it wasn't intercourse. I do realize that it is just as bad. I apologize for not being clear at the time.

And you are right. The first night, he was not totally honest. He did tell me everything that the polygraph confirmed the second night when I pressed and told him I needed to know everything or we couldn't even try to fix this. I guess that's the point that I was talking about when I said "honest so far". I don't need to minimize that and I don't mean to. I might sound like I'm minimizing things, and I did at the beginning. I'm now trying to let things be exactly as painful as they are. There's no reason for me to make things "look" better than they are.

sky, it is good news for you that you have a seemingly repentant spouse on your hands. You will move on in your recovery but you will also keep a close eye on your WH. Have you finished reading SAA yet? You will need to get to the recovery part so you can start working. I am SO happy for you.

Oh, I am. Keylogger is installed and checked regularly, e-mail is checked a few times a day ( in case of deleting so I don't see it). GPS is installed on his phone.

I feel like it's moving too fast though. I still need some time to process it. Are we really ready for recovery yet? It's not even been a full week since D-Day. We had some really painful and therapeutic talks tonight. I'll never excuse what he did. I am beginning to see why he did it though.

I"m also beginning to think I've been depressed for a long time. The talks we've had tonight are the first time I've felt alive and engaged with anything in two years. I've felt so dead inside. I think I need to see a therapist on my own, because I don't want to feel that way anymore.

Small steps. You're doing just fine. Don't get too obsessed with the snooping. Just verify what he tells you when you feel it necessary. Trust will sloooooooooowly come back.

It's good and necessary to examine your contribution to the state of the M prior to the A. You own half of that. See what you can fix.

Keep those conversations going. When he says something that hurts or you don't agree with, stay calm. Make it safe for him to tell you things. That's always good. If you feel an AO coming on, tell him that the topic is upsetting you and you'd like to continue later. It's much better to do that than to go ballistic. You're trying to meet some of his ENs and LBs will just cancel them out.

You're doing great sky and I have to give your WH kudos for selling his game to pay for the poly. That speaks volumes. Good for him.

sky, when my H was busted by the OWH it was like an atomic bomb of reality had been dropped on him. He completely defogged at that moment. Your WH may be the same way. That doesn't change your stategy for healing - snoop like a bloodhound.

It is imperative that you work with your WH to uncover his needs, as well as yours. ENQ post-haste, sister.