Thanks - if you don't mind me asking - did this MB work for you and your situation? Am I just wasting my time?

I haven't had to use the MB program--I am an unmarried young woman who seeks to be sure that she doesn't have to seek advice here later on.

However, there are many people who have done this to success, most of the vets included, one of which I am not.

It's just so early in the day that most of the vets are not awake yet. Either that or they're busy (as we have MB people all over the globe).

fanti, welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here. The most impactful thing you can do to save your marriage is expose this affair. It should be done in a wide spread, strategic manner all on the same day. Doing it on the same day ensures a tsunami effect that is hard for the affairees to recoup from.

Exposure is the most powerful weapon because it is like turning on the lights in a crack house and bringing in a crowd of people. It is no fun getting high when everyone is watching. Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, and clinical psychologist, says this about exposure:

here

Exposure works immediately in some cases, in others it hastens the death of the affair. There are no guarantees, but it is your best weapon.

Best practices that we have found around here are doing it all in one day. Make up a COMPREHENSIVE LIST of exposure targets and start exposing by making phone calls, sending emails, sending overnight letters.

Exposure targets are :

1. parents of ALL - yours, his, the OW's - call them up and tell them about the affair and tell them you are trying to save your marriage. Ask for their advice. Ask the OW's parents to use their influence to persuade their daughter to quit her job and leave your H alone

2. close friends and family - call them up and tell them about the affair and tell them you are trying to save your marriage. Ask for their advice.

3. employer, if a workplace affair [we have a letter that should be sent to Human Resources]

4. facebook exposure of the OW and your H. This has proven to be a very powerful exposure tool. you would make a copy of all their contacts and save in a Word doc. Send them a private email asking them to use their influence to persuade the adulterers to end their affair. Space the emails out so that facebook doesn;t shut you down. Enlist one of your friends to help you in this. [I will post some sample letters below]

This is your most powerful weapon against the affair, fanti. Additionally, I would stay in constant contact with the OW's BF so you can compare notes and cause as much conflict in the affair as possible.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? I would get that ASAP so the things we are tellng you make some sense.

p.s. And please don't go to counseling. That is the worst thing you can do with a wayward. Marriage counselors give advice based on current feelings and desires and most MC's don't understand the fog of a wayward. They are likely to tell him to take action based on current feelings and then you are screwed because he now has the blessing of a counselor.

Another thing you can do that has proven to be one of the most powerful weapons against an affair is exposure on facebook to the OM�s friends. Facebook is a collection of the person�s closest and most important friends, all in one spot! We have had numerous affairs killed in the SAME DAY after a facebook exposure. They are DEADLY. What we did was make a copy of all the names of all the OP�s friends FIRST. [this is important because once the OP gets wind you are sending out messages to his friends, he will close his page] You will have to send out an email, one by one to his facebook friends. It should go something like this:

Facebook exposure letters

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Hi fantie (I feel like I'm saying fannie and that just seems so wrong, LOL)...

Mel is right, nuclear exposure is crucial right now. My H's affair died the day I exposed and we have been in recovery ever since.

Please don't wait; get your list together and expose this affair today. It's your best chance at saving your M.

I'm sorry you are here but this is the place to be if you want to recover from this.

Fantie,

I am so sorry to hear that things are still going on. And I am very glad that you came here for help and that people are taking the time to post to you.

Until the affair is ended, including complete, verifiable no contact (NC) between your husband (H) and his OW, nothing will fix your marriage. However, the plans and tools of MB will go a very long way towards helping and healing YOU and if implemented carefully, giving your marriage (M) the best chance of healing.

I told you about my experiences and that there were things I did not do that were recommended to me. I truly believe that in your case, you should do as you are being advised here.

There is a saying around here that waywards all read from the same script. There is no originality in anything a cheating spouse does. Their moves are really quite predictable.

I do want you to understand that your H is not in his right mind right now. He is under the influence of the same powerful brain chemicals that operate in addictions. Do not take anything he says at face value. He is "under the influence." When he is no longer under the influence, you will begin to see the return of the man you married.

Right now, for the sake of your children, you are going to have to be the grown up. Your H certainly isn't. Do NOT look to your husband to make an informed or rational choice about keeping the marriage.

They ALL say they don't love you any more. It is textbook fog-speak. That is why traditional marriage counseling will not be useful right now.

Please do not make a snap decision about keeping the marriage. Step back, put together a plan with the help of the people here, and give it some time. You will get the help you need here to heal yourself and to discover what is the best path for you.

I am really sorry you have to be here. You are stuck on a rollercoaster of emotions and nobody consulted you about whether you even wanted to be there. But even a quick divorce will not get you off the rollercoaster and heal you. You are going to have to ride it out, so please please take care and comfort and advice of the people who have lived through it.

Hugs to you!

You asked about where to post the answers to the questions about your situation. Easy. Just do it right here in your thread, in your next post! It really helps others to help you when you have all of your info together in one thread.

MF's Exposure Thread

You can see what a good, kick*ss exposure looks like ~ the A ended the day I did this.

Like your H, my FWH had been saying the A was over...for 10 months I believed him. I did not expose the first time I found out because I did not know about MB.

Please don't let this happen to you ~ expose NOW. It's torture when it goes on for 10 months.

Thanks for everyone's advise - it's been a hard day today - I am trying to absorb what you all say - when I got home from work this morning I confronted him (with out saying too much to him) I was able to get a few things off my chest (as he has been putting the blame on me for this)

Question: If I expose the A - won't he hate me and just tell me that it's over and leave (he has told me not to contact the OW because he needs to protect his job and told me that he would get a restraining order against me inorder to protect his job)

HELP!!

Yes, he will be furious, he will hate you, he will threaten to leave and maybe will. Think of it as a child in the store who does not get his way and lays on the floor screaming and yelling.

He is expecting you to "protect his A". He is going to get a restraining order against you??? This is called fog babble.

You don't contact the OW -- you contact their jobs by way of the HR department explaining that their is an A going on during working hours and company trips. I would have rather had my XH lose his job 10x than being D.

Please listen to these MB vets.

Question - what is D-day?

D-day is discovery day - the day you discover what's really going on.



Think about this? What will he tell the Judge? Your honor, I need a restraining order against my WIFE for telling everyone that I'm having an affair.

Really? What is wrong with that? You're telling the truth and fighting for your marriage. Just empty threats IMO (in my opinion).

I am not the best person to give you advice about exposure, which is why I wanted you here! However, from having read a lot of other people's stories here, after exposure there is a predictable tantrum by the wayward. They will say:

"I was going to work on the marriage, but you ruined that."
"I can't believe you would do such an immature thing!"

And similar nonsense. None of it is real. The saying is, your marriage can survive anger, but it cannot survive a continuing affair.

Your response? "That's nice, dear. Want a potato chip?"

After 2-3 weeks they calm down.

I can never figure out why wayward spouses think it's "threatening" or "dangerous" for their betrayed spouse to expose the affair. It's not like you're going out threatening violence or anything.

If he truly was worried about his job he wouldnt have had the A.

How is he going to stop you anyways? The damage has been done at that point after he finds out.

You gotta get over the he will leave me part. Hes already gone. Hes checked out. He might pay the bills a while longer but emotionally hes DONE.

If you want to save your M you HAVE to expose. Go big or go home. Since he said DO NOT inform his work you HAVE to do that. Your going to get the best bag for buck there.

He can get another job. Will have to anyways. You gotta remember if he doesnt want to put the work into the M R is going to be impossible.

So keep on the path and expose. Go big. Otherwise the OW is gonna thank you when she has your man with the fine job.

Fantie, please don't do this. It is real important to not get into fights with him. It is about as fruitful as trying to reason with a falling down drunk.


Oh yes!! He will say all of this. Just imagine what a falling down drunk says when you take the booze away! They are furious!! But don't let it bother you one bit. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive this affair.

When he lambasts you, just say "I am so sorry you are upset, but I felt everyone should share in the good news! Would you like a potato chip!?" Smile sweetly and then leave the room!

Whatever you do, don't BURST OUT LAUGHING when he spews his fogbabble at you. That is a lovebuster.

They all get FURIOUS! But remember what the goal is here. The goal is to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, not to avoid his anger at all costs. If your H doesn't get mad then you not doing enough to save your marriage.

Thanks everyone - being up my confidence and I am going to work on the list tonight - my time is very limited with a 3 and 5 year old at home.!

Keep the advice and words of wisdom coming.

THEN, after you expose the affair wide and far, CALL the OW and tell her that hell is coming. Tell her that you are still married and that you will fight for your marriage. [be sure and expose the affair to her parents and facebook friends]

THE REASON your H doesn't want you to contact her is because he has been LYING to her about something. Probably telling her you are leaving him and there is a chance for her in the future. HE IS AFRAID YOU WILL UNCOVER HIS LIES.

But that is what you must do.

First, give me your WORD that you can control your laughter when he goes hog wild at the discovery of your exposure. If you feel like you are going to BURST OUT LAUGHING at the stupid, inane things he says, then you must leave the room. And that includes smirking and giggling.

Waywards are so hilarious when you take their crackpipes away from them!