My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years. We have 3 children ages 13, 10, & 7. Last year I found out he was having an affair. He has changed his entire lifestyle for this woman. He now drinks, smokes,cusses, has a tattoo, a nipple piercing, etc. The most devasting thing he has done, besides the affair, is turn his back on God and the church. I feel for my children. He has brought this woman into their lives and now having to see their father behave this way, makes me angry.
Another bad part of this, is they are both in the miitary. He's and officer and she's enlisted. The Army has sent her overseas, but it hasn't stopped. She has even posted on her Facebook page that they are engaged! We're not even divorced yet. My concern is if the Army finds out they're still contacting one another. It would most likely mean an end to his carrer and the lose of his income, there by putting the children and I in a precarious situation.
The day after I found out about the affair, I was willing to go to counseling to try and repair our marriage. There were things both of us needed to fix, not just getting past the affair. He needed time, so I gave it to him. During this time, he would come home, go back to her, come home, etc. After 4 months of this, I finally decided I'm done.
We are not going to divorce for about a year due to health insurance needs. I want to be able to get past the hurt, anger and frustration, but he's actions are a constant reminder of the choice to leave his family for "her". How can I start healing?

tell his co, end the a and his career. he has lost his mind.
he will lose his career regardless.


prd

Time + actions.

You do not want to try marriage recovery, so you can become very focused on what YOU want.
Get an attorney.
Get everything.

Have you exposed this to everyone?

Family, friends, co-workers, OW family and friends?

If not, that would be my next step.

I am sorry you are here, also I would read read read EVERYTHING on this site!

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. By not telling his Commanding Officer they are still in contact, the A will continue. By telling, I am putting mine and my kids future in jepordy. The Army already investigated and gave them each a letter of reprimand. If they find out they are still in contact, my husband (as the officer) could face severe consequences such being discharged and losing everything (money, health insurance and retirement). I am currently employed in 2 part time jobs and will lose one at the end of this month. The kids and I rely heavily on the money he gives us. What infuriates me is I "need to leave things alone" (his words) or things could go bad. Of course it's okay for her to display their relationship on Facebook with pictures, some which were taken after they received their letters of reprimand. What can I do when WH has basically lost his mind and can't see the forest for the trees?

" If they find out they are still in contact, my husband (as the officer) could face severe consequences such being discharged and losing everything (money, health insurance and retirement"

So material thing are more important then saving a marriage and a family?

Expose up the chain of command. You will not of ended anything there decision to behave badly and disobey orders will place the blame where it belongs on there head.

you are asking a question you already know the answer to. call his co today. kill the a, then fix your m.

prd

You are putting your future in jeopardy by not exposing the affair. You are headed towards divorce, Madam. How does that help your future?

You can get another job, but you cannot get another in tact family with this husband. I am afraid you are thinking very short term.

Your H has to leave that job anyway in order for your marriage to recover. Might as well help that happen.

AMEN!

I appreciate the posts. Our marriage is all but legally finished. WH has made it clear he has no desire to work on repairing our marriage, so there is no keeping our family intact. I have to move on from here, but it's difficult when my WH is acting like a complete idiot. I'm not sure if you understand the severity of what will happen if his Commanding Officer finds out the A is still going on. My WH will most likely be dishonorably discharged for disobeying an order (the order was no contact). He, along with myself and the children will lose EVERYTHING (a regular paycheck, health insurance, and his retirement pension). We are deeply in debt, with no savings. As I said in my first post, I have only been able to find 2 part time jobs, one of which I'll be losing at the end of this month. I barely make enough to put food on the table, much less pay for a roof over my children's head. Basically if I tell his CO, I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face. The frustration is, my WH seems to be getting everything he wants. He gets the OW, still has his career and doesn't seem to worry about what his actions have done to his family. At this rate, I don't think he ever will.

Let me first say I am NEW and I have not read it all nor seen it all but what I have seen says this...

The site/article states VERY CLEARLY that there are situations where exposure is NOT a good option right away and this sounds like one of those.

If you are totally dependent save do what you can to protect your self and your kids but I would NOT go for the exposure if you have what you need in a months time....

I understand your issue and how this feels. This is a harsh place to be and a horrible balancing act to find yourself.

Perhaps reading more on here and the book will help. Perhaps talking to the Navy's legal aid will help? Maybe there are services that they can give you or programs that you can set up for housing assistance for lower income families? Job assistance meaning maybe placement or job searching for jobs for military folks and spouses (IDK if that exists) I am just throwing things out there.

Pep said it best - you need to stop focusing on him and focus on what you want. See an attorney, find out what services are available to you and your kids. You will feel better and in control when you have a plan of action in place. Right now your WH has all the control - you need to change that and in order to do it, you need a plan.

Gg

I agree with Pep. I would take care of my and my children's financial future