I think it takes a while to start enjoying life again. I know that doesn't sound encouraging. If you can just enjoy ONE THING during the day. Anything. Sit for a half hour and read a book, watch a movie you always wanted to see. Heck, hit a beach. If you're where I think you are there's water all around(I'm in SE VA). Just do something little that you will enjoy.

Eventually you will realize at the end of a day that there were a few minutes that things seemed almost normal. You didn't think about all of this... That's the start. As long as your WH is still here and working on himself there's hope.

One step.

Thanks Michelle, yeah, while thats not what I wanted to hear, I am glad you said it, so at least I know its "normal". for what I am going through. It is just very depressing not to "feel" anything. Going through the motions of life just plain sucks. Thanks for your kind words, and yes I am near the water, but that is a hard thing to get to when you have 2 kids and NO family nearby. I will try though

Baby steps.

I know it's extra hard while going through the bankruptcy and all. I do want to make a suggestion. Call up the counselling center, and just ask if they have any sort of assistance for people in financial hardship, and if so how much would it be for one session.

Then have a yard sale, bake sale, car wash...anything that might raise the money. Ask his parents to make up any shortfall.

At this point you both need an expert plan, and I think one session with the Harleys would accomplish more than years of counseling with just about anyone else.

I would love to do that counseling, but right now its just impossible. My van just went in shop, and now something is wrong with his vehicle too, and now that is summertime, my daycare will go up since my six year old will have to stay somewhere all day when school gets out. We are sooo super tight. Not to mention that I got written up today at my job for making misteaks in my work. I knew that I probably was because of my mental state lately. I feel like just as I feel the confidence to get up and attempt to dust myself off, I get kicked right back down. I just dont know how many more times I can get up. I am getting so tired of life, so tired of trying. My H wants me to quit my job, he said we can sell some of our vehicles, and now that the bankrupcy is over, it will be do-able but I am too scared to do that. I see that he is concerned but that just leaves me too vulnerable. I mean, if I am totally dependant on him, and he cheats again, I will truely be stuck. Not to mention, I feel like that will make him feel "entitled" to do it. Since he will be the sole provider in the house. I am going to try to stick it out but my work situation is not good, we just had a person put in their two weeks, and two others are looking for work to quit, the one girl at my job that knows my situation said I should stay because once she leaves, and the other girl leaves, the company will be in a pickle and will need me,but I just dont know. I know if I tough it out and they let me go, they will have to pay me unemployment, but I am sooo miserable. I am sooo soo depressed, I dont know if I can handle work anymore, its all I can do to get through each day without breaking down completely. I see the doc next tuesday, and maybe he will give me meds to help, but I really dont have any faith thaty will help me. I mean, they seem to do wonders for my WH but I think he has things a lot easier then me. After all I feel like he has it made. He screws up, gets to say "Im depressed" goes to get meds, and has his wife staying with him despite of his betrayal, and his only stress is to have to "stay out of trouble" and deal with his "crazy wife's tantrums" . While I have to go through everyday sick with worry, worrying that he will do this again, worrying how I will pay for a lawyer if I leave, worrying where I will live with my children and how I will be able to care for them by myself"especially in my current mental state" if he does this to me again. Worrying about never having a normal life again, always having racing thoughts, nightmares, ect... I am so overwhelmed. It seems like other people on here are yes while devestated just the same, it just seems like they are all dealing and getting through, what is wrong with me, why cant I get myself together??

You're going through something more horrible than most of us have experienced. It's God's grace that is keeping you as well as you are, and I for one am amazed at your strength.

And while there may be a few on here who were not profoundly changed by infidelity, most of us (even with less trauma than you) are very different people than we were. Almost 5 years out, for me, most of the changes are positive. A few are negative, like struggles with short-term memory and concentration, sometimes. I can compensate usually, but it used to come much easier.

You'll get there too; it will just take lots of time.

I'm not sure what to recommend on the job thing. For sure there are pros and cons either direction. If you can make it work, that would be really good. If you can only make it work by causing irreparable damage to your health, that would be bad and you shouldn't do it.

Also, I hope the phrase "crazy wife's tantrums" is yours, not his. If he said that to you, I have a 4x8 with his name on it. If you said it, I have a feather duster for you: You aren't crazy - you're traumatized. If you're still having AO's, that's something you will need to work on asap, and he needs to be very patient in the meantime.

You don't own any of his behavior. It says nothing about you, and does not make you less of a wife or less of a woman. You are you who are, and that is a very special woman.

{{{{{{{{Navewife}}}}}}}}

I have had the same experience as Neak, navewife. My timeline is about the same as hers, with D Day around 5 years ago.

I too am fundamentally changed, and most of that change is for the better. However, I too have problems with memory and concentration; it is as if normal, everyday life is somewhat trivial after the enormity of the affair, and I cannot pay quite the same attention to it that I used to.

It took me at least 3 years after D Day to feel less than mad, not constantly on the verge of a breakdown. For those years, there wasn' one minute of any day that, in my head, I wasn't dealing with the affair.

As Neak says, you will get away from where you are now, but it will take lots of time. Hugs to you, meanwhile.

Thanks guys, I really think I need to hear that stuff. I know I am not alone, but I feel that way sometimes. And oh by the way...I said the crazy wife thing, not him. (Featherdust away )lol)I had a meltdown yesturday and called my BFF (who lives 5hours from me) she knew of the affair but not the men. She was trying very hard to calm me down and just well...saying all the wrong things, (because she didnt know all of the details) I ended up breaking down and telling her everything. Her husband is friends with my H so now I am afraid I have ruined our friendship, although she did call to check on me today. I guess time will tell on that one too. We have a very strong bond as friends. Since Highschool we have been friends, and she even told me the other day she is sad because it doesnt feel like a friend going through this, it feels like a sister and brother inlaw that is going through this. She has always been a true friend, always there for me. Even being 5 hours away, we see each other about 4 times a year. Our children have grown up together ect...I am praying that this newly found information wont scare her away, I dont think it will, but you never know with this sort of thing, some people are just too closed minded, and dont allow for the possiblilities of improvement or recovery. She is being very supportive, and trying not to sway me one way or the other, she gives me things to think about to both support or disolve the marriage, all the pros and cons for each disicion. She has told me to take time, and not rush. She is a true godsend to be my friend. I am just feeling awful for telling her, cuz I know her husband is very "homophobic" and I think if she shares this info with him, he wont want to hang out and do things as families, or couples anymore. Which will intern affect my friendship with her. I guess I will just have to take a deep deep breath and try to wait to see what happens with that. Going to see the doc on the 15th, so maybe talking to a different psych doc will help as well. Thanks for all your kindness, Sometimes I forget that I am not really alone in some of this mess, while mine is more Jerry Springerish, or Twighlight Zonish, I am sure alot of the emotions are quite the same. Thanks again, Your all loved and have my prayers!!!!!!

navewife,
I also have to agree with the memory thing. Infidelity takes its toll in many ways.

I have to say that I am amazed at the BSs that carry on in their daily lives right after DDay and the next few months. I was a mess. Began having anxiety attacks. I could get like one chore done and then I'd revert back to some frantic individual. I'd cry in my closet, the shower, my car. My two kids were in grade school. Thank goodness they weren't toddlers or babies. I would never have been able to concentrate long enough to watch them. I also didn't have a job. I'm sure I would not have been able to do it. It took all my abiity to get clothes washed and dinner on the table! So navewife you are NOT alone.

Remember this is a TRAUMA. Your mind and body know that and they're acting accordingly. Be proud of yourself for getting out of bed...really.

((navewife))

Thanks Michele, I definatly know what your saying, I have a fulltime job, a six year old and now my 5 month old, I really dont know how I am doing it. Like I said before, I am just going through the motions, not thinking,or feeling, just doing. Yeah, my concentration and memory are shot, thats why I got in trouble at work, my job is very detail oriented, and there is a lot of work too, I just cant seem to handle the workload and be accurate at the same time. When I slow down to concentrate and be accurate, I am missing deadlines, and when I speed up to make my quota, I am making errors that I am getting written up for. I just cant win, now 2 people at my job put their 2 weeks in this week, so I will be getting things dumped on me again. I am very nervous, but plan on just doing my best. I figure if it doesnt work out then maybe that is the plan god has for me. Just going to give it to him, cuz I just cant do it anymore.

Got a little relief today. My Best friends husband sent me a text that she told him about my H ecounters with the men, and he send me a text just to tell me he is still going to be the same friend he always has,and he thinks of BOTH of us as family, the sister he never had and his other brother. Said that is what is allowing him to look past the man thing, and keep supporting us and helping us through. I have to say I am SUPER shocked at this. He just is not the type of person to support that kind of thing.(not that he is supporting what WH did, just that he is forgiving him enough to help us through this) It is such a HUGE weight off my chest that I dont have to hide it from them anymore. I still wont tell any of my family about ANY of the affairs or the men, Like I said before, my family are a different breed, it just wouldnt work, and I would be like the lepper if I stayed with my hubby. Would not get support. But now that someone else besides WH family knows, its nice cause I really feel like my friend is there for me. I mean inlaws love me like one of their own, but just not the same, because in the end, WH is their priority. I am still very angry, and confused but havent given up totally yet. Praying everyday for GOD to give me the strength to get through this, and at least have somewhat of a happy life at somepoint, although, I really dont ever see being truly happy ever again.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you - you're doing good, sweetie. And what good news about the friends!

Yes, it was a relief to have my best friends stick by me even with this horrible truth. She is having a hard time with it though. She said that now that she knows, she cant help but think that he is in some kind of denial, and at some point in the future, he will be faced with the same urges and as soon as we get in a rut again, she is afraid he will do this again. She is also having problems feeling that I have to wait almost my whole life to be happy. She thinks I deserve to be happy, and thinks its not fair for me to have to take this leap of faith, when my faith has been shattered so bad. Dont get me wrong, she is supporting any desicion I decied to go with, and she really wants to see us make it through this. She just doesnt really see how. Like she said, If his biggest emotional need is SF and I cant give him that, or be fully intament with him again, then she thinks it wont work. I am almost afraid she is right. I am having the worst time trying to suck it up and be just the least bit intimate. He is always trying to kiss me passionately lately, and well....I just cant sometimes. I try to reciprocate, then all I see is "where his mouth has been" it makes me phisically sick. I try to be nice and just turn my head, or something, but he totally smothers me, wrapping his arms around me and trying to force the kiss. Sometimes I just want to explode in an AO and tell him everything I am thinking right that second, but then I think that I need to control that part, so I just bottle it up. I even tried to have Sex with him recently, and made him wear a condom because I am TERRIFIED he will go back to his deceptive and devious ways, and give me a STD, Im afraid I will always want him to wear a condom, because of that fear. I really want us to work, ( I thought) we had such a connection. We still finish each others sentences, but things are different for me now. I dont see him the same, he is a stranger, and a scarry one at that. I dont feel safe with him anymore. I mean when your married your supposed to feel like that person would die for you. I think about how if I got really sick or god forbid...pregnant again, and how I am sure if I was down and out, and not able to keep checking on him he would cheat again, I feel like if the opportunity presents itself he probably wont be able to stop. He of course swears he is done, but I really dont trust that AT ALL. I see all these posts on this site about how recovered people make it through, and say its better then ever, I just cant picture how that is possible. How can it EVER be better, when you cant trust. I mean for me at least, no matter how transparent WS is, I will always, question how he can get around looking that way. Then there is counseling. Does it really work??? I have been doing the counseling, and just started meds this week. The meds make me feel HORRIBLE. The side effects are awful, I know my body has to "get used to them" but if after a month I am feeling like this, I am not taking them anymore, it is not worth feeling like this. Sorry I am ranting and raving, I have just been bottling up a lot of things lately and had to unload. I do love my husband, I just really need help decyphering how to do this . I am really really lost. I just need to know that I am not being stupid for staying and trying to work this out. Is this really going to be worth it, or am I just wasting my time?? Is it really possible for a sex addict to quit cold turkey???? Or am I being nieve to believe that. Thanks for letting me vent. hugs to all of you

You can tell him what you are feeling, just don't do it yelling and screaming. When moments like this occur you can tell him the truth. "When you do that I can't help but think about this". He's going to have to get used to you triggering like that because it will happen alot at first and he needs to know where your head is. He needs to know WHY you have pulled away. That's where we BSs need to be open and honest. Don't bottle it up. It's normal to walk on egg shells for awhile, but in the end you have to let him know how you feel and why. As long as you do it CALMLY.

Sorry about your meds. If they don't make you feel better than there is no reason to take them IMHO.

As far as R goes. I too feel that my M is better. I'm not sure that I am better but my M is. Do I trust him? Most of the time, yes. I know that HE knows that one more time would be a deal breaker. So the pressure is off of me to watch over him. I believe that my gut would tell me, like it did the first time. It's all on HIM to manage his boundaries, not me.

As long as your WH remains transparent and working the program trust will come back slowly. You won't see it coming.

Still here, still trying to get my barings. Still having HUGE problems with intamacy. Starting to wonder if I will ever be attracted to him again. We have only had sex like once a month since Dday, and each time is the same....it feels dirty, and discusting. I dont have any attraction to him AT ALL. I am soo worried that I will never feel that attraction I once had for him. I used to have him on the highest pedestal. I used to be so attracted to him, not only physically, but his "personality" also was attractive to me. I guess I was in a "fairytale" world. I see him in a whole new UGLY light now, and it seems like I cant get it back. Since on the meds, I still have racing thoughts, still feel the same as I did, the only difference is I guess I control my AO and temper better, but the feelings are all still there. It pisses me off that he acts like we are all better now, and when I am having a particularly bad day, he has the nerve to ask if I took my meds, like I am not supposed to get mad, and supposed to be "over it" or something. I am sick to my stomach still with worry. So So afraid he is going to do this again, especially since sex is almost non existent right now with us. I REFUSE TO DO IT JUST TO "KEEP HIM" I have already made it clear, that if he wants to be here, then he will have to focus on all other aspects of our relationship, Sex will be on the backburner for a looooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg time, and if he cant deal then he needs to let me know now so I dont waste my time. He swears he wants to be here, and he is doing things to try to show me that, but I just cant find the trust. I know it will take years, and all that yadda yadda, but is that REALLY possible, I mean , I really dont think I will EVER trust again, I am not sure I can live this way forever. I want things to be easy, like when we met. I dont know if I want to spend the rest of my life wondering what I dont know, what I am missing, if I will get a disease. I used to think to myself, I dont know what he sees in me, but I am glad he loves me so much to put me first and love me so much. Now all I think is god, I am so awful he had to go to MEN and FAT chicks to get off. That is another reason I dont want to have sex, he discusts me that his mouth was where it was with sooo many MEN and also I feel so unatractive and feel like I must be an awful lover for him to have to resort to MEN and FAT chicks to get off. I know what you all will say. I know you will say its not me its him, and all that, but I just cant help how I feel, your mind and your feelings are on two different circuts. I believe if I were not to have feelings and a heart, that I would follow my mind and leave him immediately, but then my feelings and heart get in the way of actually doing it. I want so bad to believe that he has just made a horrible misteak and now realizes what he could lose and doesnt want to lose it (just like in the movies) but then my realistic side kicks in. I mean, of course he wants us to stay, we have 2 kids and NO money, and he is in the military, so I would take the kids and move back home, which is in another state, so why would he want all of that to happen, he will have child support, and be far from the kids, and have to live in the barracks. Why would he want that when he could stay in his comfy home, and have his kids, and me at home, and go on with his happy life. NO consequences. Then when things cool down, he could just figure out how to outsmart me and do it again. I guess my main point is if he is really a sex addict, then I really cant see him not falling off the wagon. all addicts fall, and I refuse to go through this again. I feel like me having issues with sex is just going to drive him to either cheat or leave, so why bother. Why not just get it over now. Why am I torturing myself. Will I ever get the attraction back ?? Is it really possible??? Thanks for letting me vent!!!!!!!!

Would you consider emailing Joyce Harley about your present situation? If you do she is awesome about emailing you right back and Dr.Harley himself also responds...you don't have to talk on the show either...but they will give you some answers about your "intense feelings/reactions".

Dr.Harley always says it is much harder to change a persons reactions then it is to change behavior....and I see this in your post...your reactions are intense and your H is the trigger....everytime you even look at him your triggering due to the horrible sex acts with men he participated in.

I don't know IF it's possible for you to change your response to him....it may NOT BE....but getting Dr.Harleys input on that would be great for you....it's free...won't cost you a dime...just type up a email like your post here...he's seen it all and dealt with it all...he can at least give you direction and offer qualified advice...please do this.

It's Jharley@marriagebuilders.com

I see your points also...if you simply can't get past it all then why torture yourself doing this...living this way...it's okay if you can't make it navewife...some things in life just aren't gonna turn out the way we want them to.

Hope I haven't offended you....I seriously hope you email them...they really can offer you sound advice.

You'll have a lot of healing to do no matter whether you stay or go. If the wounds he inflicted on you would magically go away if you didn't see him any more, believe me that's what I'd be recommending.

Even if you go through all this and your M ultimately fails, it's ok. In the process of trying to save your M, regardless of the outcome, you're healing and growing stronger. No matter what, this isn't wasted time.

God has a plan for you, and by being willing to suffer as you have been to give your WH a chance which he might or might not take advantage of, you're a walking example of grace.

God will guide you when to keep fighting and when to lay it down. Don't give up on Him, and don't give up on yourself.

{{{{{navewife}}}}}

Thanks Neak, I really needed to hear that. I am just so frustrated. I mean all the other aspects of our relationship are doing ok, its just this ugly sex thing, and it consumes the whole marriage. It is VERY frustrating. I feel like if we could just take sex out of the equation for a while and work on making our marriage about all the other things in life (friendship,parenting,love, ect )Then maybe the attraction might return, but everytime I try to concentrate on that or do that, he starts hinting of sex and/or growing octopus arms and then I feel like here we go, he is not getting sex and now he is losing control, which leads me to feel like, I guess now since I am not giving him any he will stray. Just is all very overwhelming sometimes. Thanks for your kind words, I forget to focus sometimes, and you guys remind me of things when my mind trips out. I am so glad I can post here. Thanks a million

Just having a bad day and thought I would unload. Still really having a hard time with this stuff. I am at the point where I love him, but I dont think I am "in love" with him. I am so messed up in the head. I miss being attracted to him. Now when I do have sex, its just that,...sex...no feeling with it anymore, no admiration, attraction, affection. Then when we are done, always still comparing what we did to what he did with OW. It makes me wonder if you EVER really stop that and move on. At this point I am feeling like so overwhelmed with the thought that this will be something that will stick. I mean how do I just turn off my mind and let go? So far, I cant. He doesnt feel safe to me. After all,this is a man who cheated, brought a strange man in MY home to have oral sex, and traded naked pics of me without my knowlege. Not to mention the email to another man trying to get him to seduce me (again without my knowlege) so he could watch. I feel like I am married to a low life sicko. I worry if he can go that far with deception with me, are my children safe? I have tried counseling, I am taking Zoloft, and yet I am still depressed. I put on a huge act everyday, trying to look like the strong one in front of the people that know, and playing the happy wife in front of the people who dont, and hiding alot of it in front of my kids. I feel like I am not living anymore, just existing. I force myself to get out of bed every morning, i force myself to go to work, and try my best despite not being able to focus on anything other then checking the GPS and his facebook and emails every five minutes. Which is really bad , because my work performance has really slipped and the bosses have noticed. I am so scared I will lose my job over this. Then I will have to depend on my WH totally, and that thought scares me to death. Having to depend on the very person I dont feel safe with...really. Ugg this is just endless, unrelenting torcher. Then I have thoughts of winning the lottery and being able to just up and leave. Providing my kids with a wonderful life, and being blissfully away from this mess. However, then I think about how I am overweight from just having a baby, and how I am 36 with 2 small children, and how that will be such a turn off to try to start dating again will be torcher. The thought of being alone is torcher. The thought of him meeting someone else who may try to play mommy to my kids, is torcher, the thought of my children possibly being exposed to different men and women involved with my husband who he doesnt know since he meets them on the net scares the crap out of me. I am still soo soo lost. I know everyone says this takes time, but how do you make it through to the other side till then. I really need to hear from people who have been through this and have been recoverd for a while, I need to hear that it is possible to get the attraction, and loving feelings back. I dont want to live the rest of my life like I am now. Not happy, and always on edge, I am not sure how much longer I can do it. I am trying so hard, I see him trying hard, but it just plain doesnt matter to me, the damage is done, I think he could die for me and I would still think to myself, oh well, he guess that is what he gets. Its an awful thing to say, but frankly, I have had many awful thoughts lately. I hate where my mind is.Please tell me that this will fade. Please tell me it is possible to recover our marriage. Please tell me its possible to have sex with my hubby again without feeling repulsed, sad, or pissed. Thanks again for letting me vent, I really needed that.

What you have been through is far worse than most BS's have to endure. Whether with him or without him, it will take you a long time to heal.

I believe that as long as you are both willing to continue making the effort, you can save your M and be in love with each other again.

So yes, it can happen. Will it? I don't know. All those reasons you mentioned about your kids are a very good reason to give this plenty of time and see what happens. You're healing a little every day, so you've lost nothing. Either you will heal by yourself, and that's ok, or you will heal together. There's no rush to decide.

navewife, is he still being treated for SA? How is that going? And you have any sort of support as the spouse of an SA? If he is still being treated, what does his counselor recommend for you?