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#2391866 06/17/10 02:07 AM
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I have been lurking around here for about a week. I'm going to try and make this story as short as possible so bear with me.

I have been married for 15 years. My marriage has been in trouble for quite some time, but we are in marriage therapy and both are in individual therapy as well and have been since last October. I am a former WW. My husband failed to meet financial and family responsibilities and my emotional needs for many years. I was taking care of all financial responsibilities in the house (my husband had never made a single payment in the 14 years we had been married), did not help me with our two children, nor did he meet my emotional needs as well. At one point in our marriage right after the marriage of our daughter, he would not touch me for two years...He wouldn't even kiss me and when I asked him why he said I had "Bad Breath." I later found out that he had been spending time with his assistant band director after football games and band competitions at her house, but he SWEARS on his LIFE that he NEVER had a physical affair. Four and a half years ago, we lost a baby, and two weeks later, we had a house burn and lost everything and he stood by and did NOTHING while I dealt with insurance companies, banks, builders, etc. He went golfing the day I picked out furniture, carpet, colors, etc. And when we moved back into the house, he said the house and furnishings were too fancy, he didn't know if he could live there. When we had our second child a couple of years later, our son had a severe acid reflux problem and I suffered from post-partum depression. The child couldn't drink a bottle and he sat in his recliner and watched me cry and try to feed the baby for 6 months until I convinced the doctor through a feeding therapist that he did indeed have reflux and needed medication. He had a pornography addiction that was out of control and my history of sexual abuse as a child compounded our physical relationship problems as well. I'm not making excuses or blaming anyone, I'm just giving the history. I am by no means perfect, and the way I dealt with things was to hold them in and let them fester until I blew up and then he would threaten to leave and divorce me...so our communication was very bad and sometimes non-existent.

Six months before the affair began, I stopped balancing the checkbook because I could no longer deal with the stress of him refusing to write down when he would use the debit card and I couldn't keep up with the balance anymore. I had asked him repeatedly over the years to write things down and he wouldn't. He even resorted to taking petty cash from his job at one point to avoid the hassle of having to write things down and hear me "nag" him about the checkbook. I didn't care that he spent the money, I just wanted him to take some responsibility to write things down, so I could keep up with the balance. He didn't steal the money out of desperation or need, he stole it out of convenience and avoidance of being responsibile. We had plenty of money. The anger and resentment in me built up and the last straw for me was when I tried watching the movie "Fireproof" with my husband at the end of March 2009, and he blew it off. I reunited with a man that I knew briefly 20 years ago on facebook, and was sucked into what started as an emotional affair. He gave me the attention, conversation, and affirmation that I was craving.

I couldn't deal with the guilt, so just a couple of weeks after the affair started in April 2009, I told my husband that I wasn't happy in the marriage anymore and that I was thinking about a divorce. He admitted at that point that he too was not happy and that he didn't want a divorce, but if I did, to just get it over with. He didn't have time for counseling and such, so I needed to just make a decision and let him know. He said that he just wanted to die sometimes because at least me and the kids could live off the life insurance money and wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.

I was torn at that point...when the words came out of my mouth and the response was not what I expected. I expected him to say he wanted a divorce as well, because he had told me that he did hundreds of times when he was angry at me. I continued talking to the OM on facebook and on the phone and a week later, I admitted to my husband that I had been talking to the OM and that he was in love with me and had been for 20 years (which is what the OM told me and the main reason I had been sucked in so easily because he called me a few months before I married my husband long ago and asked me to have a relationship and I told him no...I had wondered all these years if I had married the wrong man).

When I told my husband about the EA, my husband went crazy...He was all the sudden begging for counseling and went to our pastor and got re-baptized because he said his first one wasn't legitimate and that suddenly he was a changed man...He went overboard...ran the vacuum cleaner for the first time since we had been married...all the sudden started being involved with the kids like giving our son a bath and feeding him supper (he had never done this before...he had probably only fed him a bottle less than 10 times the whole time when he was a baby). I was in shock and even more confused at that point, so I cut things off with the OM until I could figure out what to do. The OM had told me he was divorced at first, but then admitted to me that he too was married, but had been separated for 2 years. There were other red flags with OM, but because I was getting the emotional rush, I downplayed or ignored them altogether.

With all this sudden effort and pressure by my husband, I felt smothered by this sudden changed man and didn't feel like believing him or really trying. I think at that point I was "staying" to say I tried and gave it all I had to my family, church, and friends. I admittedly did not put much effort into the marriage because I had heard this "I'm gonna change," thing before and it didn't last. I didn't trust him at all and was very hesitant at putting my heart out again only to be disappointed.

In the meantime, my husband was trashing me to his close friends and his family (which in my opinion, is different than a reveal that is described by many on here used to stop an A). He started talking to a girl he was friends with and slept with a long time ago, when we had broken up for a short time and she was in love with him back then. She was going through a divorce herself at the time and being a shoulder to cry on for him. I saw that she was after him, but he insisted that she was just a friend. I told him that if he wanted any chance for this marriage that he would have to cut off contact with her. He said he would.

In the meantime, we both started individual counseling to deal with some individual issues. We were not intimate at all during this time, and I just started praying for confirmation either way to stay in the marriage or go. A month passed and I kept seeing little things that showed me he was not changed like using the credit cards behind my back, his efforts started dwindling, etc...I had also caught my husband texting his old friend again and trashing me behind my back which didn't help things at all. My husband took his wedding band off on Father's day because I didn't get him anything from the kids...I didn't do anything because he didn't do anything for me for Mother's day. His excuse was "he wanted to get a tan" where his wedding band was. I did not take mine off out of spite because it was more ammo for me to say when and if the marriage was over.

In July, I had spoken with the OM's best friend a couple of times on facebook and told him my marriage wasn't getting any better and that I missed the OM. I received a phone call from the OM in the middle of July. He lived 6 hours away, so we had not physically seen each other...He wanted to make things work with me because he was tired of the crazy life he was living and wanted to give his children stability and he saw that with me. I was elated and a few days later I was snooping on my husband's email and found two responses to personal classified ads on Craigslist that my husband had sent to "hook up" with strange women in a neighboring city. And that was it for me...I was DONE. I showed my H the emails I found and told him I wanted a divorce. He immediately started texting and talking to his OW and the plan was to live separately in the same house until it sold. And I was eventually going to live happily ever after with the OM...or so I thought...

Things went well for a while and it seemed like everything was falling into place...we thought we had sold our house before we even put it on the market. We filed for divorce at the beginning of August with a amicable split and no contest. I saw the OM in person on two separate weekends and our EA became PA before the divorce was final. By the end of September, we had moved out of the house into separate places. Not long after that, my relationship with the OM fell apart due to the fact that he downplayed his feelings for his drunk wife that he was separated from that he was SUPPOSED to be divorcing. I learned that when she calls him every few months or so because her boyfriend has beat her up, he goes running to save her...This happened and he slept with her one night only to find her leave him again. I couldn't deal with it as much as I loved him, so I let it go in October and haven't talked to him since. There were other red flags...he lived with his mother at that point and had custody of one child and another child lived with her mother...he didn't take care of either much...his mom practically raised the daughter he had and he blamed his ex-girlfriend for not seeing his other daughter. I realized I was addicted to the emotional things which made me choose to be oblivious to anything else. Anyway...this post is not about OM, but about my current situation.

At the end of October, the house sale fell through and I started having second thoughts about ending the marriage...so I talked to my husband and we decided to go to counseling together. Note: My husband had a PA with a woman as well after we moved out of the house, so I guess we are both FWSs. The divorce was not final and I called the lawyer and they said they would hold on to the papers and that they were valid for a year from the file date. So we started therapy.

I want to say that through all of this, I remained a good mother to my kids. And my husband and I were ALWAYS civil and friendly when the kids were around. We were determined to be a team as far as the kids were concerned and they were TOP priority and handled everything very well. Most of my contact with OM was phone calls and internet chatting after the kids were in bed with the exception of the 2 weekends I saw him in person.

Fast forward...I moved back into our house in mid-December... My husband moved back in at the beginning of February. We are still in counseling. I have not had any contact with the OM since October 12. I have heard that withdrawl can last 6 months, but I continue to think about the OM daily...He doesn't consume me like he did at first, but things still remind me of him every day...Not a single day goes by without me thinking of him and missing him. Things are definitely better on most levels of my M, except the physical side. I am dealing with my abuse issues that I have not dealt with and can't bring myself to be intimate with my H. Part of it is the bad taste in my mouth due to all the years of not-so-good intimacy between us with my not dealing with my abuse issues, and his porn-addiction, etc. The other part is fear that I cannot achieve the same level of intimacy that I had with the OM and fear that I will always compare it to that and be disappointed. The intimacy I experienced with the OM was so much more fulfilling and satisfying than anything I had EVER experienced with my H. And there is still a part of me that fears that this "change" is only temporary with my H. I don't want to be hurt again. I think my husband is in the same boat with his OW as far as the "better sex" goes... There are things about the A that can be discussed, but if I share this with my H, it would KILL him. We have made sooooo much progress on every aspect except this one.

So I guess my questions are:
1) Why is my withdrawl from the OM not ending?
2) How can I get past this fear and avoidance of intimacy with my H? I have always had difficulties with intimacy due to the sexual abuse and my H's porn addiction, but this added to it has made things THAT much worse.
3) What steps should I take to really feel like I WANT to be intimate with him? I want to freely love him in every way, but part of me holds back from fear of trust and fear of getting hurt AGAIN...Every once in a while I see old habits creep in and it scares me and sends me into a flashback of the way our marriage used to be. But I do see many changes for the better...

What do I do?????

Feel free to attack away...I'm ready and want insight and help and I need brutal honesty to get there...

And so much for the short post...I apologize and thanks for "listening."

PG01





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Are you looking at OM's FB. Indirect contact is breaking NC. Can't get through WD without NC.

You are normal to feel afraid to be intimate with your H. You fear his changes are not enough or permanent.

MAybe time to try a new counselor.

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I don't think I've read soooo many "justifications" for an A before. Do you realize that there is NEVER an excuse for an A? If you were not happy, you D. Going outside of your M is not the way to improve it.

Quote
I want to say that through all of this, I remained a good mother to my kids.


Do you really believe this? You are the very same person who is destroying their family.

Ok I'll hold up on the 2x4s. Of course, my first suggestion is to call the MB counseling center. Your M may or may not be worth saving, but it is evident that if you two don't get a grasp of how to protect your M then you are doomed to fail in this present M and in any future R you will have(after D).

You need to stop contact with OM. As long as you have ANY contact with him, you will not get over withdrawal. You need to write him an NC letter and have your WH mail it. Your WH also has to do the same for the OW. You can't seriously work on this M when there are two or more people waiting in the wings.

Start meeting eachother's ENs. Do the EN questionaire, both of you.

Stop all LBs. Do that questionaire also. You two have both committed the worst LB(affair) there is. I suspect neither of you have any loving feelings at all.

Spend 15+ hours a week together meeting eachother's ENs MINIMUM.

Both you and your WH need to be transparent. Both of you need to be open and honest about EVERYTHING. There are NO secrets in M.

If he is addicted to porn, that has to be addressed.

Generally, you need to read this site backwards and forwards. Learn the basic concepts and the policies that DR Harley has developed. Buy His Needs Her Needs, Surviving an Affair and both of you read them. Decide if you truly want this M because both of you have to commit to its R. There is hope though. You can have a good M if you both learn to protect it and eachother.





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Originally Posted by pianogal01
I have been lurking around here for about a week. I'm going to try and make this story as short as possible so bear with me.

I have been married for 15 years. My marriage has been in trouble for quite some time, but we are in marriage therapy and both are in individual therapy as well and have been since last October. I am a former WW. My husband failed to meet financial and family responsibilities and my emotional needs for many years. I was taking care of all financial responsibilities in the house (my husband had never made a single payment in the 14 years we had been married), did not help me with our two children, nor did he meet my emotional needs as well. At one point in our marriage right after the marriage of our daughter, he would not touch me for two years...He wouldn't even kiss me and when I asked him why he said I had "Bad Breath." I later found out that he had been spending time with his assistant band director after football games and band competitions at her house, but he SWEARS on his LIFE that he NEVER had a physical affair. Four and a half years ago, we lost a baby, and two weeks later, we had a house burn and lost everything and he stood by and did NOTHING while I dealt with insurance companies, banks, builders, etc. He went golfing the day I picked out furniture, carpet, colors, etc. And when we moved back into the house, he said the house and furnishings were too fancy, he didn't know if he could live there. When we had our second child a couple of years later, our son had a severe acid reflux problem and I suffered from post-partum depression. The child couldn't drink a bottle and he sat in his recliner and watched me cry and try to feed the baby for 6 months until I convinced the doctor through a feeding therapist that he did indeed have reflux and needed medication. He had a pornography addiction that was out of control and my history of sexual abuse as a child compounded our physical relationship problems as well. I'm not making excuses or blaming anyone, I'm just giving the history. I am by no means perfect, and the way I dealt with things was to hold them in and let them fester until I blew up and then he would threaten to leave and divorce me...so our communication was very bad and sometimes non-existent.

Six months before the affair began, I stopped balancing the checkbook because I could no longer deal with the stress of him refusing to write down when he would use the debit card and I couldn't keep up with the balance anymore. I had asked him repeatedly over the years to write things down and he wouldn't. He even resorted to taking petty cash from his job at one point to avoid the hassle of having to write things down and hear me "nag" him about the checkbook. I didn't care that he spent the money, I just wanted him to take some responsibility to write things down, so I could keep up with the balance. He didn't steal the money out of desperation or need, he stole it out of convenience and avoidance of being responsibile. We had plenty of money. The anger and resentment in me built up and the last straw for me was when I tried watching the movie "Fireproof" with my husband at the end of March 2009, and he blew it off. I reunited with a man that I knew briefly 20 years ago on facebook, and was sucked into what started as an emotional affair. He gave me the attention, conversation, and affirmation that I was craving.

I couldn't deal with the guilt, so just a couple of weeks after the affair started in April 2009, I told my husband that I wasn't happy in the marriage anymore and that I was thinking about a divorce. He admitted at that point that he too was not happy and that he didn't want a divorce, but if I did, to just get it over with. He didn't have time for counseling and such, so I needed to just make a decision and let him know. He said that he just wanted to die sometimes because at least me and the kids could live off the life insurance money and wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.

I was torn at that point...when the words came out of my mouth and the response was not what I expected. I expected him to say he wanted a divorce as well, because he had told me that he did hundreds of times when he was angry at me. I continued talking to the OM on facebook and on the phone and a week later, I admitted to my husband that I had been talking to the OM and that he was in love with me and had been for 20 years (which is what the OM told me and the main reason I had been sucked in so easily because he called me a few months before I married my husband long ago and asked me to have a relationship and I told him no...I had wondered all these years if I had married the wrong man).

When I told my husband about the EA, my husband went crazy...He was all the sudden begging for counseling and went to our pastor and got re-baptized because he said his first one wasn't legitimate and that suddenly he was a changed man...He went overboard...ran the vacuum cleaner for the first time since we had been married...all the sudden started being involved with the kids like giving our son a bath and feeding him supper (he had never done this before...he had probably only fed him a bottle less than 10 times the whole time when he was a baby). I was in shock and even more confused at that point, so I cut things off with the OM until I could figure out what to do. The OM had told me he was divorced at first, but then admitted to me that he too was married, but had been separated for 2 years. There were other red flags with OM, but because I was getting the emotional rush, I downplayed or ignored them altogether.

With all this sudden effort and pressure by my husband, I felt smothered by this sudden changed man and didn't feel like believing him or really trying. I think at that point I was "staying" to say I tried and gave it all I had to my family, church, and friends. I admittedly did not put much effort into the marriage because I had heard this "I'm gonna change," thing before and it didn't last. I didn't trust him at all and was very hesitant at putting my heart out again only to be disappointed.

In the meantime, my husband was trashing me to his close friends and his family (which in my opinion, is different than a reveal that is described by many on here used to stop an A). He started talking to a girl he was friends with and slept with a long time ago, when we had broken up for a short time and she was in love with him back then. She was going through a divorce herself at the time and being a shoulder to cry on for him. I saw that she was after him, but he insisted that she was just a friend. I told him that if he wanted any chance for this marriage that he would have to cut off contact with her. He said he would.

In the meantime, we both started individual counseling to deal with some individual issues. We were not intimate at all during this time, and I just started praying for confirmation either way to stay in the marriage or go. A month passed and I kept seeing little things that showed me he was not changed like using the credit cards behind my back, his efforts started dwindling, etc...I had also caught my husband texting his old friend again and trashing me behind my back which didn't help things at all. My husband took his wedding band off on Father's day because I didn't get him anything from the kids...I didn't do anything because he didn't do anything for me for Mother's day. His excuse was "he wanted to get a tan" where his wedding band was. I did not take mine off out of spite because it was more ammo for me to say when and if the marriage was over.

In July, I had spoken with the OM's best friend a couple of times on facebook and told him my marriage wasn't getting any better and that I missed the OM. I received a phone call from the OM in the middle of July. He lived 6 hours away, so we had not physically seen each other...He wanted to make things work with me because he was tired of the crazy life he was living and wanted to give his children stability and he saw that with me. I was elated and a few days later I was snooping on my husband's email and found two responses to personal classified ads on Craigslist that my husband had sent to "hook up" with strange women in a neighboring city. And that was it for me...I was DONE. I showed my H the emails I found and told him I wanted a divorce. He immediately started texting and talking to his OW and the plan was to live separately in the same house until it sold. And I was eventually going to live happily ever after with the OM...or so I thought...

Things went well for a while and it seemed like everything was falling into place...we thought we had sold our house before we even put it on the market. We filed for divorce at the beginning of August with a amicable split and no contest. I saw the OM in person on two separate weekends and our EA became PA before the divorce was final. By the end of September, we had moved out of the house into separate places. Not long after that, my relationship with the OM fell apart due to the fact that he downplayed his feelings for his drunk wife that he was separated from that he was SUPPOSED to be divorcing. I learned that when she calls him every few months or so because her boyfriend has beat her up, he goes running to save her...This happened and he slept with her one night only to find her leave him again. I couldn't deal with it as much as I loved him, so I let it go in October and haven't talked to him since. There were other red flags...he lived with his mother at that point and had custody of one child and another child lived with her mother...he didn't take care of either much...his mom practically raised the daughter he had and he blamed his ex-girlfriend for not seeing his other daughter. I realized I was addicted to the emotional things which made me choose to be oblivious to anything else. Anyway...this post is not about OM, but about my current situation.

At the end of October, the house sale fell through and I started having second thoughts about ending the marriage...so I talked to my husband and we decided to go to counseling together. Note: My husband had a PA with a woman as well after we moved out of the house, so I guess we are both FWSs. The divorce was not final and I called the lawyer and they said they would hold on to the papers and that they were valid for a year from the file date. So we started therapy.

I want to say that through all of this, I remained a good mother to my kids. And my husband and I were ALWAYS civil and friendly when the kids were around. We were determined to be a team as far as the kids were concerned and they were TOP priority and handled everything very well. Most of my contact with OM was phone calls and internet chatting after the kids were in bed with the exception of the 2 weekends I saw him in person.

Fast forward...I moved back into our house in mid-December... My husband moved back in at the beginning of February. We are still in counseling. I have not had any contact with the OM since October 12. I have heard that withdrawl can last 6 months, but I continue to think about the OM daily...He doesn't consume me like he did at first, but things still remind me of him every day...Not a single day goes by without me thinking of him and missing him. Things are definitely better on most levels of my M, except the physical side. I am dealing with my abuse issues that I have not dealt with and can't bring myself to be intimate with my H. Part of it is the bad taste in my mouth due to all the years of not-so-good intimacy between us with my not dealing with my abuse issues, and his porn-addiction, etc. The other part is fear that I cannot achieve the same level of intimacy that I had with the OM and fear that I will always compare it to that and be disappointed. The intimacy I experienced with the OM was so much more fulfilling and satisfying than anything I had EVER experienced with my H. And there is still a part of me that fears that this "change" is only temporary with my H. I don't want to be hurt again. I think my husband is in the same boat with his OW as far as the "better sex" goes... There are things about the A that can be discussed, but if I share this with my H, it would KILL him. We have made sooooo much progress on every aspect except this one.

Let me condens this for you.
Originally Posted by pianogal01
I had a bad marriage, I was unhappy so I started talking to a man on FaceBook, then my marriage got really bad. At the same time my Husband started doing the same. I decided to divorce so I could be with OM and husband could find OW. OM, who I thought was my long lost "SoulMait" was actually still married and attached to his wife. I blame OM's "Drunk" wife for taking ruining my relationship with OM. Since OM would not commit to me I decided to ask my husband to try again.

I don't think any of this is my fault, it's my husbands, OM's and his wifes fault.
Thats all you really had to say.

Originally Posted by pianogal01
So I guess my questions are:
1) Why is my withdrawl from the OM not ending?.
1. I do not believe you have complete NC with OM. Complete NC means not even looking at his facebook page, or his friends facebook pages. Drop him, all his friends, and anyone who wants to offer any info on OM. You must also not search out info on OM.

2. Withdrawal can take much longer than 6 months in some people. And it may never happen if there is residual contact.



As far as the answers to your other two questions, you cant really address those until true NC is established and you are much further through withdrawal.


Me 34
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Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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As I read through your post the thought kept coming to me to tell you and your husband that you both need to GROW UP! Your behavior (both of you) is appalling. You are NOT good parents no matter how much you lie to yourselves.

Now, having said that. Time to buckle down and start living like grownups. First, call the coaching center. There are very specific steps that you BOTH need to take to try and recover from this diaster. You have done so much damage to each other, to your marriage, to your children, and to others. Because you do have children, you owe it to them at least to try and mend your brokeness and SHOW them how an honorable person behaves.

There must be NO contact whatsoever in any form or fashion with your adultery partners. You should come clean with your children (in an age appropriate manner) and explain to them how you both have been VERY VERY wrong. I imagine that they are confused as heck about morality, what a good parent looks like, and the importance of honesty in relationships. They certainly have no clue what a good marriage should be. Set them straight. Then you need to expose yourselves to others in your lives and make yourselves accountable to those people, i.e., parents, pastor, bosses, close friends. Unfortunately, someone needs to watch BOTH of you. BTW, if I was the parent to either you OR your husband, I would seriously consider reporting you to the authorities for child abuse. Those children need protecting.

Start with the coaching center, get on your knees and repent to God for your failures as parents and spouses and ask for a clean start. Believe it or not, He WILL help you restore your marriage, no scratch that, He will help you CREATE a GREAT marriage.

Good luck.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Are you looking at OM's FB. Indirect contact is breaking NC. Can't get through WD without NC.

You are normal to feel afraid to be intimate with your H. You fear his changes are not enough or permanent.

MAybe time to try a new counselor.

I have not "spoken" with or had direct contact with the OM since October, but I did have contact with his best friend on FB until February...about the time my FWH moved back home. He is no longer my friend on FB and we do not speak at all. I also had indirect contact through snooping on OM's email until about a month ago, but I have stopped that as well. As for looking at OM's profile, I have also been guilty of looking at his FB account, however, we are not friends on FB and he has not tried to contact me since the affair broke off in October.

You are right...I have to stop. Believe it or not, I do want to get through this and get my marriage back on track. I am just scared as heck to do all this trying only to see things go back to the way they were.

As for a new counselor, that is definitely a good observation. Our counselor is a nice guy. But I have often felt he is not aggressive enough and tries to go with the flow too much and in doing that important issues are avoided. His questions are not very direct and allow for beating around the bush at times. He does not call either of us out on things. We just "talk" about things...never seeming to get to solutions. Another thing that has bothered me is that he is also my husband's individual counselor, which makes me feel like he sympathizes with my husband more than me at times. My individual counselor is a different person.I also think that it's pretty interesting that when I described my situation to all of you EVERY reply's first question was about indirect contact. This has NEVER been asked to me by my individual counselor NOR our marriage counselor. We have spent a great deal of time dealing with my abuse and both counselors are aware of the fact that my husband and I are having big trouble with intimacy. My therapist says that telling my husband that I am still in WD and missing the OM is NOT productive and I should deal with it on my own, and serves no purpose and will end up hurting my husband and the marriage more than helping it. I honestly thought not talking to OM or his friends was enough to get over him. Now I see this is not the case.


Originally Posted by MicheleG
I don't think I've read soooo many "justifications" for an A before. Do you realize that there is NEVER an excuse for an A? If you were not happy, you D. Going outside of your M is not the way to improve it.

I know that it doesn't justify the A. I had strong convictions about D being wrong. Did I have strong convictions about affairs too? Absolutely, but I also had even more fears about being alone with no one...I saw the affair as a way out so that I wouldn't have to be alone when I left. I thought my husband felt the same way. He had told me on numerous occasions that he wanted a D. I begged him to stay over and over again. When I initially told him I was thinking about divorce, he didn't care. It wasn't until I admitted to him about the EA that he suddenly decided he wanted to make the marriage work and he was going to change. Is this right? No. Was I stupid? Yes. I am extremely ashamed of myself and my actions...But I want to do the RIGHT thing now and save my family. And I want to rebuild love and trust in this marriage and be truly happy with my husband.

Originally Posted by MicheleG
Both you and your WH need to be transparent. Both of you need to be open and honest about EVERYTHING. There are NO secrets in M.

Does this mean being honest about my continued feelings and withdrawl from the OM? Like I said before, my individual therapist strongly advised me to deal with this alone and that it was not a productive thing to reveal to my H. Also, do I need to be honest about my fears of intimacy that are not connected to the abuse but are connected to the intimacy with the OM?

Originally Posted by MicheleG
If he is addicted to porn, that has to be addressed.

I have not seen evidence that he has been still using porn. He had subscribed to Playboy when we started living in separate homes, but he claims that since he could not cancel the subscription (don't know what that was about) that he throws it in the trash when it arrives in his P.O. Box. I have never seen one in our house, so I am assuming he is not looking at them. I have also not seen any evidence that he is looking at porn on the internet either. He no longer takes my Victoria's Secret catalogs to the bathroom with him as well. I'm assuming he is clean.

Originally Posted by MicheleG
Generally, you need to read this site backwards and forwards. Learn the basic concepts and the policies that DR Harley has developed. Buy His Needs Her Needs, Surviving an Affair and both of you read them. Decide if you truly want this M because both of you have to commit to its R. There is hope though. You can have a good M if you both learn to protect it and eachother.


I am working on that as we speak.

Originally Posted by gack1
Let me condens this for you.

Originally posted by pianogal01:
I had a bad marriage, I was unhappy so I started talking to a man on FaceBook, then my marriage got really bad. At the same time my Husband started doing the same. I decided to divorce so I could be with OM and husband could find OW. OM, who I thought was my long lost "SoulMait" was actually still married and attached to his wife. I blame OM's "Drunk" wife for taking ruining my relationship with OM. Since OM would not commit to me I decided to ask my husband to try again.

I don't think any of this is my fault, it's my husbands, OM's and his wifes fault. Thats all you really had to say.
I had a bad marriage, I was unhappy so I started talking to a man on FaceBook, then my marriage got really bad. At the same time my Husband started doing the same. I decided to divorce so I could be with OM and husband could find OW. OM, who I thought was my long lost "SoulMait" was actually still married and attached to his wife. I blame OM's "Drunk" wife for taking ruining my relationship with OM. Since OM would not commit to me I decided to ask my husband to try again.

I don't think any of this is my fault, it's my husbands, OM's and his wifes fault.

Brutally honest and true...I appreciate it. But I want to get through this mess and make a happy marriage and family out of it now.

Thanks for the input...keep it coming. I'm listening and ready to get out of this rut.

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In response to princess muggy:

I have spent my ENTIRE life trying to protect my children from my marriage. I was faithful for 14 years with hardly any support from my husband. I love them with every ounce of my being. I had NO role models growing up as to what a healthy marriage or family should look like. My father was a workaholic and left my mother for an OW when I was in 5th grade. My mother was sick my entire childhood and never had the strength or energy to give me emotional support, nurturing and guidance I needed. She just "took it" with emotional abuse from my father...I was passed around from family member to family member when my mother was in and out of the hospital and was first raped by neighborhood boys at the age of 5, then my grandfather sexually abused me from the time I was 6 until the age of 10. When I finally got the courage to tell someone, it was dealt with as a "conference" with my grandfather and then swept under the rug. Not only did I deal with my grandfather molesting me, I watched him verbally and emotionally abuse my grandmother as well.

My mother was in a nursing home by the time I graduated high school and died at the end of my freshman year of college. By that time my father had divorced his second wife and engaged to his third.

I have lived my life trying NOT to repeat cycles with NO TOOLS. I think that besides the things that have happened in the past year, I have done a darn good job raising my children and find it a little offensive that you would suggest that authorities be called for me abusing my kids. My kids are NOT abused, and are probably one of the few things I have done RIGHT in my life. They know they are loved and cared for. I spend a great deal of quality time with my kids and have always tried to protect them from harm both emotionally and physically.

And I love the Lord...I may not have acted like it over this past year, but I do and I have gotten on my knees and repented more than once since this has all happened and am working on getting my relationship both with Him and my husband back on track, deal with my sexual abuse issues, and other things that have happened during the past. My father is a changed man as well and has since repented, got his life on track, and is being very supportive of our attempts to repair/create a great marriage and is FULLY aware of both A's

While I appreciate honesty...I feel you are being downright judgemental and not helpful at all.

I'm working at it day by day...It's a long difficult road, but I have gotten this far and am determined to not turn back and come out on the other side a better person.

So please don't be so harsh...


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Princessmuggy - LOL!

I'm sorry that you're offended and I'm sorry you had a crappy childhood. Most of us have stories to tell. However, simply put, adultery is never the answer to a bad marriage and it certainly shouldn't be used as a justification.

So you think your behavior was loving towards your children? That you and their dad were out boinking other people showed them love? Really? That the 13 years before should make up for everything? It's going to take a VERY long time for your family to heal from all of this.

That's what I mean by abusive. Kids aren't dumb, if they don't know directly what's going on, they can sense it. You knew when you were a child didn't you?

My point wasn't to insult, it was to wake you up to just how traumatic your actions were to your family. I apologize if you were offended. If you know me at all, that's not my way.

That's GREAT that you're working on your relationship with God and your husband. Your children can learn about true forgiveness and restoration if you guys follow through with this. There will still be a price to pay because you really can't get away from the consequences of sin, but only pray for mercy.

BTW, my husband is now a minister and he was once a wayward himself. He did horrible damage to our family while he was "gone". You wouldn't know it now.

I guess my point is that now that the craziness has stopped, it's time to begin the healing, not JUST for you and your husband, but also for your children. Start by calling the coaching center. Seriously, it'll put you on the fast-track to recovery.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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Originally Posted by princessmeggy
BTW, if I was the parent to either you OR your husband, I would seriously consider reporting you to the authorities for child abuse. Those children need protecting.
Could you elaberate more on this abuse?


Me 34
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PG:

PM Stated this to you:
Quote
You are NOT good parents no matter how much you lie to yourselves.


And you claim that you were a model parent.

Sorry. You may have done well early in your M, but recently you have NOT been a good parent.

While I was in the throes of my affair, I thought I was being a GREAT dad. It was only when I finally realized the error of my ways, and learned SO MUCH MORE, that I realized how horrible of a parent I had been.

So lets address the real issue.

Solving the problem of blaming everyone else for your problems.

I'm sorry that you were raped as a child. And had a tough childhood. Maybe you can see HOW that childhood created the environment of your marriage NOW? Abused children end up with abusers later in life. Becasue they do not KNOW what a healthly relationship looks like. That is a powerful thing to learn.

You state that your MC/IC is a go with the flow kinda guy. Then I recommend you spend your counseling dollars with the Harleys. They will get you two moving faster down the road to recovery, becasue they don't stay stuck in the past, or "waiting to resolve prior issues" before we move forward.

I'm glad your here. YOu will learn much. You may get 2x4'ed. If your learn from them, you will become a better wife.

And thay will make you a better parent.

LG



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Piano,
I'm sorry for your past. I'm sure you have had a difficult life.

The tools you will learn on this site will allow you to R your M. So have you started reading here, particularly about the love bank scenario? It's actually a logical way of looking at love and how people fall in and out of love. People you know have an account with you. They make deposits when they meet your ENs. They make withdrawals when their behavior is not pleasant to you(love buster). If they make enough deposits romantic love can develop. The OM in your sitch was making plenty of deposits. Because of that you felt in love with him. He could have been anybody. But he was the one that did it and you allowed to. He probably never behaved poorly in your eyes because you felt the chemical surge from getting your ENs met. He was getting his fix too and he didn't want to upset that. He was on his best behavior. So what if your WH was meeting those same ENs? And what if he eliminated all the things that you have complained about for years? Don't you think love could return? Well it can because that is exactly how it all works.
The same goes for you. You start meeting his ENs, eliminate the LBs(love busters) and he will also start feeling love towards you.

Your lack of interest in intimacy(SF-sexual fulfillment) stems from his not meeting your ENs and I'm sure quite alot of resentment due to his lack of contributing to the home. Again that is an EN (domestic support). It is probably high on your list because it is so lacking now. In a way you have helped him get complacent about meeting your ENs because you did everything. So it's time to step back and allow him to meet these needs. Fill out the quest. Be accurate in explaining HOW you want those ENs met. That's critical. He does likewise. Then you two spend 15+ hours of undivided attention meeting eachothers top ENs. That's a start.

Hopefully, you have started to see, and I think you have, that ANY contact with OM whether direct or indirect keeps you in the fantasy world of the A. That's gotta end now. All of it. You cannot pine for another man, if you do you basically close the bank for your WH's deposits. Only your spouse should meet your top ENs. That's where your boundaries come in. You do not ALLOW anyone other than WH to meet those top ENs. Got it?

When someone has an A, there are special precautions, or extraordinary precautions(EPs) that must be put into place so that that person doesn't remain in a situation condusive to another A. This will protect your M and your WH as well. Such things like...don't go anywhere alone with another man, don't tell private information to a person of the opp sex(M troubles, etc). And there are many others. These EPs are put into place and they are maintained. They're non negotiable so the S feels safe knowing they will remain in place. Both of you need to wirte your EP list and give it to the other. Again that's a start.

All of this stuff you can read about on this site. And it is described in much detail better than I have here.

Is your WH on board with trying to make this work? Because all the tools are here, but they have to be implemented now and for always. Otherwise old habits creep up and the same result happens.

So keep READING!!!!!



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Pianogirl,

Sorry you find yourself here. Both BS and WS get 2x4s here. You should see my backside sometimes.

We are our own worst enemies someimes.

As tough as PM words were to you and probably cut you like a knife, she is trying to peel away all of the fog babble you are spewing.

When there are issues in a M the children feel it. You may think you disguise it by acting "civil" but kids are smart. They may pretend but don't be surprised if they start to act out soon if your M further goes down the toilet.

My DD16 was an innocent, well protected child before her father destroyed everything with his A and then D. Yes, my DD is doing better now but at what cost to her down the road. I see what the fog will do to the wayward and I am sure that your kids got put on the side while you played on fantasy island.

Take the time and read princess meg's story. It was one of the first I read here. She is not being righteous, they came back from hell and lived to tell the tale.

Listen to these vets that have recovered M, they know what they are talking about.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

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May i ask you why you still have feeling for OM?
Do you think it is possible for you to be aware of who OM really is without using your fantasy filter. You gave us a very good account of what he did and how he behaves. He seems to be full of problems and untrustworthy to say the least. WHy would you want him instead of your family? Reality, just look at what is right in front of your eyes, and see OM for what he really is. He is not Clark Gable!
Really...
blessing


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Princess Meggy - sorry for the typo...LOL! I'll get it right this time...

I see what you are saying. I know that I was NOT a model parent, but I did attempt to protect them as much as possible when I was the WW. I know that it will take lots of time to repair the damage done and I am prepared for it. I just was taken aback by the "calling the authorities" abuse comment. I agree that my parenting skills suffered and therefore my children suffered as well. While I was in contact with the OM daily through phone and internet, MOST of the contact was after the children were in bed. Not trying to down-play my actions, just wanting to clarify...You make it sound like I was out boinking OM all the time, which was NOT the case. OM lived 6 hours away...I saw him on 2 weekends ONLY. Once in August, once in September, so the amount of physical contact was very limited, although still resulting in turning the EA to a PA. Again, not trying to downplay...Just wanting to at least clarify that I was not out running around all of the time. I know though that the kids still suffered because they "knew" something was up and it affected them...and that my actions were way out of line morally and that too impacted my effectiveness as a parent/role model to my children.

I think the ONE thing that has really hit me hard is the number of people on here that said I was NOT a good parent. I never thought of it that way. And it has hit me like a punch in the gut... Because I honestly tried to be a good parent through it all, but sadly you all are right. I couldn't be a good parent because of what I was doing contradicted what good people and good parents do. This has really been a reality check and a HUGE motivator for once and for all stopping all indirect contact with the OM. It has made me more determined to get through this mess and put my family back together again. I don't want my kids to go through this. I want to stop this cycle.

And for the record, I am not blaming others for my problems. I own them. I gave background information that was trying to inform people of where I came from. I used to blame my past, but not anymore. I am still trying to overcome my past, but I don't blame it for what I did. I choose every day who I am...I choose to let my past define me or to use it as a catapult to better myself...Most days, I choose the latter, but there are still days I want to feel sorry for myself. It's a constant battle for me.

We have been working on our M in counseling since October. We had a session today...It was rough and didn't end well before our time was up. Our two biggest "gorillas in the cage" are sexual intimacy and finances. There is still a huge communication problem in many areas. I feel like my husband is trying harder in helping with kids and around the house, but he is not trying harder on the financial end. He still refuses to write things down in the checkbook. This is so important to me because I need to be able to know how much money is in the bank so we can start knocking out debt incurred during our waywardness and separation...This is important to me because it prevents me from fully trusting that this change is REAL and PERMANENT. We have discussed this in depth for 2 months with very little progress.

My husband came to counseling a few weeks ago and informed me and our counselor that he had been researching adult ADHD and that it might be the reason he doesn't write things down. While I am not arguing that he might have ADHD, I feel like he is trying to make excuses for his behavior. I have a formal diagnosis of adult ADHD and have been without meds for YEARS. I struggle, but I know my weaknesses and work on them. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist in July, but in the meantime does that give him the freedom to "not try" in this area because he might have ADHD? What if the psychiatrist says he DOESN'T have ADHD, then what does that mean? I feel that it may be a reason for him to not get things written down, now that the possibility has been addressed, he should at least TRY to do a better job writing things down.

The history behind this obsession with finances for me stems from our filing for chapter 7 bankruptcy after 3 years of marriage. He blamed me for it, but refused to take care of the finances himself. So I took them over by the horns learned how to manage our money despite his refusal to help at all. I am not a nag about money...I don't tell him what he can/can't spend (unless it is a big purchase, then we discuss it first)...All I ask is that when he spends money on gas, cigarettes, golfing, groceries or other little needs/wants, that he have the courtesy to write it down. We sat down last night and came up with a budget and plan, but it will do NOTHING if he will not help me track his spending. As I said before, this has resulted in him actually stealing petty cash from his job to keep from having to write things down...Earlier this month, I found out that he had deposited a 500 dollar check that I intended to use to pay extra on bills into his separate account to avoid having to write things down. I was FURIOUS and it triggered huge flashbacks of things going back to the way things were.

H's big need is sex. I honestly can't give that to him right now. 1) I am fearful of being hurt in the long run 2) Pretty much all my former intimacy to my H in the past was out of "duty." I always felt used because he never seemed to care about my needs and the pornography addiction made me feel so unworthy and not good enough. Top that off with the 2 years of no-intimacy for no good reason on his part (not even a kiss) after our daughter was born, and I really felt inadequate. Then I found out that he was spending time with his assistant band director after hours during that time...He says it was never a PA...and has never even admitted an EA on his part during that time, but REGARDLESS of what it was it was INAPPROPRIATE. I have also felt sex as dirty and uncomfortable, and I couldn't communicate my own sexual desires, likes/dislikes, and needs because of my past sexual abuse history.

When my EA became PA, I didn't have to discuss it or talk about it with OM. My ENs were being met and it was pleasurable and fulfilling...sick as it was. I am so ashamed of that...but I can't communicate these details to to my H. It would send him REELING. He seems to think his most recent EA and PA (yes, there were 2 women...one was an EA through text messages, internet, and phone conversations--the other was PA...and the two emails he sent on Craigslist he claims, he never followed through with) are smaller and of less consequence than mine because mine was E and P...while his was only P. And because I slept with OM before we had actually moved out (we had already filed for divorce and were in the process of finding places of our own and moving out) that makes mine soooo much worse...He claims to have not slept with OW until after we had moved out of the house. An A is an A, isn't it? Mine is no worse than his...they are both equally horrible. Please correct me if I am wrong...

I don't want to go into intimacy with all this baggage and hard feelings and inability to communicate. I can't do it. I can't keep having sex out of "duty." I need to WANT it and ENJOY it with my H. When I am finally intimate with him, I want it to be RIGHT...for the first time in our marriage...RIGHT on ALL levels.

He's getting impatient...and it's understandable. He thinks that all we talk about is MY needs because we have been on finances in therapy for 2 months. He has been asked on NUMBEROUS occasions by our MC how he thinks things are going and he doesn't mention anything. I told him today that he would stop hearing about the same things if he would TRY to change...and it doesn't mean "write a few things down...and if I don't get to have sex, then stop doing them.." I feel used and manipulated like he's only doing things to get in my pants. Get my drift????

It seems as if his effort meeting my ENs are completely tied into sex. Like he tries to do something ONCE or TWICE and if the end result is not sex, then he just simply gives up. Before you say this, I know what you are thinking...that I am not meeting his ENs by witholding sex. I want to get to a place where I can do that, but I am not there yet. I AM TRYING!!!! I just have a great deal of baggage to work through before I am comfortable. And I need to get over the OM feelings too. I am serious about staying off his FB and ceasing any other indirect contact. I also want to be COMFORTABLE and FREE to communicate about sex without reservations of any sort, which I am not at that point yet.

Thoughts...Suggestions...Input?????????

So I bought the books "Surviving an Affair," and "His Needs, Her Needs...How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage," today. Any thoughts or recommendations as to which book would be best to read first?

I am already starting to feel better...talking to people who have lived this is very comforting and helpful.

Thanks so much and God bless...

PG01




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My thoughts are:


Give him the checkbook and let him do the balancing.

OR,

do that together, once a week, pick a special day. Don't do it alone anymore. Make your H a part of it. People support what they are a part of - and he may be resentful of what he perceives as you "controlling" him. I fully and completely understand what you are going through...my H did the very same thing. I sat him down when I balanced the checkbook, and he entered the information on the computer, I read it off to him....and lo and behold, there was over $500 he spent that he never gave me receipts for, no records, nothing.

What a change of thought he had!

He could easily see that it had nothing to do with "control" issues - it was banking, plain and simple.

Since then, he tapes his little receipts inside my computer cabinet, so I can easily find them and do the banking. No complaints, no problems. And

he thanks me

every time I pay the bills and balance the account!


Big change there.


No more resentment of me "controlling" the money.


Cuz

I don't.


I just do the banking. And now he understands why.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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Schoolbus--thanks for your input. I don't think giving him the checkbook is a good idea...He just won't balance it or keep up with spending...His method when we were separated is "check the balance daily on the computer" and if there's money there, then it's good...and his argument in therapy yesterday was that "it worked for me." We were only separated for a few months and he used a credit card to make up for what he couldn't pay.

I started reading "Surviving an Affair" last night. I handed my husband "His Needs...Her Needs..." I am over halfway through the book. We will swap books when we finish these.

I am going to hold off any further questions until I get through SAA. H and I read HNHN and the 5 Love Languages several years ago together at my request when I saw our marriage was going downhill...He thought the whole concept was kind of silly and "tried" for a couple of months, but soon it was all an afterthought and things returned back to the way they were. He didn't have time for any of it. I'm praying that he will take things more seriously this time. He never wanted or had time for MC or IC before all this mess happened...that's changed now, so hopefully his attitude about this will change too. I believe in these concepts, but it takes both spouses to be on board for this to really work...

And I want to work at this and make a good marriage full of love, honesty, and respect for us and our children. My love bank is in the negative and I'm sure my H's is as well...I want to fall in love again.

I am hoping we can both finish the both books and have a chance to talk about them a little before our next counseling session next Wednesday.

Thanks again.

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I didn't want to cloud the other thread with my response to you.

What I saw you post on Tom's thread about apologies (was there one?) was a very foggy and entitled response. I agree that a WS deserves to be helped. Problem is, when a WS comes here and says that, "affairs STEM from the BS not meeting ENs" that enrages a BS. I know that you tried to quantify this thinking after that by saying that it is NO EXCUSE and does not justify the affair. Then you go on to say that it is important to meet needs. Then you said that there was a "holier than thou" feeling you get from the BSs here. I will ask you, do you think that my WH was meeting my ENs prior to HIS affair? Do you believe that MY LB was FULL prior to my WH's AFFAIR?

I am a BS and I was NOT happy in my marriage. I tried to "fix" it. Problem was, I didn't know what to do. I chugged along for a few years and thought that "this is marriage." I had stronger BOUNDARIES than my WH and that is the ONLY reason I didn't fall into the trap of an affair. My WH had strong boundaries for certain things, but obviously not enough.

Have you read through this thread? I know it is for BS, but there is a lot of info for the WS as well.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Ask any questions you may have.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
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Originally Posted by pianogal01
Feel free to attack away...I'm ready and want insight and help and I need brutal honesty to get there...

And so much for the short post...I apologize and thanks for "listening."

PG01

Any way you can cut that back to about 3 - 5 paragraphs? That is so long that it is doubtful that very many have the time to read it. I sure don't.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by pianogal01
SchoolbusAnd I want to work at this and make a good marriage full of love, honesty, and respect for us and our children. My love bank is in the negative and I'm sure my H's is as well...I want to fall in love again.

pianogal, what steps have you taken to earn his forgiveness and justly compensate him for your adultery? Have you ended all contact with your adultery partner? Is he married and if so, does his wife know what you have done to her?

One of the most important factors in recovering a marriage is EARNING your H's forgiveness by affair proofing your marriage and changing the conditions that led to your affair.

Originally Posted by Dr Willard Harley in Can't We just Forgive and Forget?
First let's try to understand what forgiveness is. One illustration is telling a person who owes you $10,000 that he won't have to pay you back. You "forgive" the debt. In other words, forgiveness is eliminating a obligation of some sort.

But we generally don't think of money when we think of the need of forgiveness. Instead, we are concerned about inconsiderate behavior that has caused us great pain and suffering -- the pain that an affair causes, for example. Forgiveness in these situations means thinking about the person as if the offense never took place. That is extremely difficult to do. The offended spouse usually thinks, what can he or she do to make it up to me. How can I be compensated for the pain I've suffered.

To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a $10,000 debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another $10,000.

I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

In most cases, an offended spouse would be unwise to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money.
entire article here

Originally Posted by Dr Willard Harley in Requirements for Recovery
An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
continued here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melodylane...

Short verson...sorry I am long-winded.

My marriage had been in serious trouble for a long, long time. I had tried for many years to get my husband to help me change the dynamics of our marriage through MC, self-help books, etc. He would not do it. I ended up having a long distance EA on facebook and phone with a man I met 20 years ago. He was married, but had been separated for 2 years because she was in a relationship with another man herself. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with him and think he was my "soul-mate." I told my H shortly after it started and told him I was seriously considering a divorce.

I continued with the EA for a couple of weeks, but decided to cut off contact with the OM to sort things out. My H said he wanted to change things in our M and work on it. Meantime, H had started talking to a former friend with whom he had a physical relationship with in college who was going through a divorce for comfort, sympathy, and emotional support. I found out about H's EA through snooping on his FB account. I called him out on it and he did not completely cut off contact with his OW. I will admit, I did not make effort in my M after I ended the A. My H's EA only fueled my feelings for OM. I also found email responses to personal ads on Craigslist from my H attempting to hook up with other women in another town. Which "justified" my feelings for OM and the A even more and made me finally tell H I wanted a D.

I started talking to OM's best friend on FB and it wasn't long until OM called and we started talking again. I filed for D and decided to finally see the OM in person for a weekend before the D was final and we had not moved into separate homes at this point. The EA then became PA. H continued with his EA with OW. We moved out of the house because we thought it was sold. I saw the OM one other weekend before the A fizzled out and OM went back to his WW for a one-night-stand.

Meanwhile, my H had a PA with another woman (former high school girlfriend) after we moved out, but D was not final.

After we moved out, and my affair ended, the fog lifted and I saw what we had done to our family. I decided to try to work things out with my H.

Started NC in October 2009 and have not had direct contact with OM since that date. I cut off contact with OM's best friend in January 2010. I moved back home (house sale fell through) in December 2009. H moved home in February. I have been guilty of indirect contact through reading OM's email account and FB since then, but have stopped this as well. I did not know this at the time, but NC not only means stop all communication with OP but indirect contact as well, which has lengthened my withdrawl time. But I am clean and plan on staying clean.

Not proud of what I have done...but the fog has lifted and we are ready to save our marriage (the D was never finalized)...Have been in MC since October and IC as well.

So we are both WS's. But in reading so far, recovery process should be the same, just DOUBLE the effort on both sides. We have to forgive each other.

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