My husband wants what he considers just compensation. I say I don't want to be married to someone who wants what he wants as just compensation. Extrememly deviant sex (use Wikipedia for ATM, you'll see what I mean), SF at all hours, constant threats of divorce or getting back at me, not with a revenge A, but just "payback is going to be bad for you" if I don't do what he wants. The house is never good enough, I don't do enough, I'm too fat, don't do this, dont' do that....

He has kept all the emails from my EA, says I did "those things" for someone else

Of course I've explained that he's killing my love for him. He does not care.

I can't stand this.

Have you considered counselling?

He WILL NOT do counseling- not with the Harleys, not church...
Was mad before when I posted here, so this post would be a LB and probably a threat to divorce if he finds it...

constant threats of divorce or getting back at me,I really can't take it.

Was mad before when I posted here, so this post would be a LB and probably a threat to divorce if he finds it...

I tried to go to counselling myself several years ago. When BH found out he threatened divorce.

As a BS, I often think of taking out "Payback/Revenge" on my WW.
But I don't....

I think it may be time to call his bluff (Or let him divorce you)
Next time he threatens you with this tell him you love him, but cant live with the constant threats. Tell him if divorcing you is what he has to do to be happy, then you will not stand in his way.

Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse

I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.

By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.

What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.

I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."

My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.

Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment

What about the kids and what a divorce would do to them?

Frankly I'm not just going to give him everything- he'd have to move out and we'd lose the house....

Gamma- I actually exposed myself after it all came out- to my parents (his have passed), my children, friends....and BH is FURIOUS about it, especially that the kids know. He didn't want anyone to know. "Great, now everyone knows you're a whore." Yah. That and the c**t word get thrown at me at least weekly. Still.

SS, DD as they say...

Nothing is better. My husband wants what he considers just compensation. I say I don't want to be married to someone who wants what he wants as just compensation. Extrememly deviant sex (use Wikipedia for ATM, you'll see what I mean), SF at all hours, constant threats of divorce or getting back at me, not with a revenge A, but just "payback is going to be bad for you" if I don't do what he wants. The house is never good enough, I don't do enough, I'm too fat, don't do this, dont' do that....

I really can't take it.