BH

What were her consequences when she broke a boundry?


Acronyms

Nesre

Burrhead,

This is what you need to do. Do you have to move on? No. However, you have to take back control of the situation. Your WW is allowed to do whatever she wants without consequence. Now it is time to let her feel some consequences. You make a list of all the things you want in your "new" marriage. I would include complete transparency and honesty, accounting for time, no myspace/facebook except a JOINT facebook account, MC, following MB principles, complete NC w/ OM, no opposite sex friends, no going out alone, etc. Then when she rejects this (she will), you start making her feel the consequences of that choice. This is when you need to file legal separation/divorce and get primary custody of your son. I would also expose her behavior to all her friends and family in a mass email stating your desire to save your marriage, but your WW's affairs an wanting to live a single lifestyle are untenable to you, and you are asking for their prayers and support as you try to salvage your marriage. This will make your WW furious, but eventually, she'll know that you mean business and start agreeing to your conditions. If she doesn't, then this isn't a marriage that you could have lived with anyway, but I bet she eventually (6 months) comes crawling back after you subject her to the consequences. You see, she doesn't want a divorce, she wants to stay married and fool around like a single person. You need to take that option away from her and make her choose a side.

BH-
I am also new to this. I have been on this site for a few days.
People have given me all sorts of advice. I believe they know what they are talking about.

I unfortunately can't seem to commit to everything they tell me to do. I want to, but am unable to at this time.

The only advice i can give is that if you are 100% into saving your marriage, then follow the guidelines these people are giving you.

As much sense as I think their advice makes, I believe I am stuck with my indecision of whether to stick it out or send her away.

I hope yours plays out in your favor
good luck

Good Luck to you mckl, also

I have read this is the ABSOLUTE worst pain possible; so true. Sometimes I feel like I am on a roller coaster or on the ice getting the crap kicked out of me.

She says what hurts her the most is that it didn't bother her to do it, as if it is ok no remorse at the time. I don't know if she is remorseful at all. She still does everything outside the home as she did before. We both come from christian families where we have all of our biologial parents and GP on up. No divorce, no seperation. We thought we had that going for us.

I will read and study all that I can. Anything that you guys provide and survived is greatly appreciated. I know I am not in this alone. Thanks for the insight so far. Sometime i feel like a broken record, replaying it over and over again; with a BIG WHAT IF?

Why have you not exposed this A? That would be my NEXT step, emails to everyone I know, and her friends and family, My husband exposed my A on Facebook where both mine and the OM's friends were, it killed it!

Your wife has been taken over by the alien. What she says to you is most likely a lie. She forces herself to not feel remorse by convincing herself you are a bad person. She is doing everything she can to justify her affair. Sure, the marriage was in trouble before the affair, but you did not force her to have an affair and it is in no case your fault.

Hang in there, Decide for yourself what you want to do. I received all types of advice from "run as fast as you can" to "do your best to stay married." Right now you have to decide what you want, and stick with it.

This is a tough program because for the longest time you will be the only one working on it. For it to work entirely you have to interfere with the affair and end it. This is done through exposure, plan A and Plan B. Read up on all these and decide what you think is best for you, trying this program as outlined, or Plan Divorce.

Sapphire-
I found out about the PA through her sister. My WW went to her after the first time it happen crying. She kept it a secret thinking i was to blame for WW misery and we would work it out. After talking to me, my SIL realized that it wasn't me, but my wife. Both our families know, my bosses know for counseling time off. My friends know about it, but she has this group of friends that I don't know. She has probably lied to them about the whol thing, as if i am a bad person. Sure i could have cheated on her many time and my friends couldn't understand why I didn't. SIMPLY put "I vowed my life and love to her and family".

What does NC stand for? I have been asked that and I see it in your sig.

I don't do facebook for this reason and others...we grow up and move away for a reason.

NC = No Contact

????????????
What consequeences has she suffered because of HER BEHAVIOR??

Acronyms link also included.

Nesre

I told her that she need to tell me where she is at all time...she would tell me the first place but not the others...i would get excused "i forgot or phone died"...my response was that her friends had phones.he never like to adhere to any thing that i would say...stating she is grown and I wasn't her parent/master.

Not much you can do to a person like that. I am not her parent/master...i thought i was above that being her husband and she should show that respect.

Obviously the lack of self discipline/selfishness, on her part, brought this about. She would tell our counselor and family that I did not do anything wrong this was her and her emotions. I would always tell her where I was and if I was spending money...basic communication.

To answer your question nerse...NONE...

burrhead,

Ok, you are making this more complicated than it needs to be. YOu say you have read the info on this site, right? Then what is YOUR plan?

You need a plan hence the threads the folks here have been pointing out to you.

Here are a few steps you need to take now. I realize that some of them you have taken.

1. Expose to family, friends, church, work. Seek their help in restoring the marriage. Seeking help is the purpose of exposure. Wayward Wife, WW, will not like it.

2. Remove her from access to your financial situation.
a. Cancel credit cards and get new ones in your name.
b. Cancel joint bank accounts and get ones in your name.
c. Any lines of credit that have both of your names on it need to be changed, canceled, or protected in some way, remove the full limit so that there is nothing left for her to borrow, and then use the money to pay for the account interest.

3. You may need to go to No Contact, NC, after you have done a plan A. Read here about this.

4. You need to stop angry outbursts, AO's and love busters, LB's even if you are soooo hot you could fry an egg on your forehead.

5. Until she gives you access to her emails, her phones, her FB accounts, and who she sees you must assume she is lying, and cheating, so don't expect anything else.

6. Do not make demands. Tell her what you expect and if she fails to do this let the consequences follow.

7. Figure out what your boundaries are and protect them.

8. Seek counseling from a very promarriage counselor, I do recommend the Harleys. They "coach" much more than they counsel which is what you need.

Ok the list could go on, but look at this make a plan with details, check points, times for reevealuation and begin.

God Bless,

JL

Sounds like you're trying to place boundaries on your WW, which can come across as controlling, rather than boundaries on the type of behaviour that YOU are willing to accept. See the difference?

BH

Bumping this in hopes you'll come back. This whole board is a learning process and support.

I've been where your at. I tried to place bounderies upon my W instead of the rightful place. I did not protect what was important to me in the right way.

By reading here and posting I have learned new ways.

One of the ways was from this post by Mark 1952. About three quarters of the way down the first page Mark talks about bounderies. Might be worth a read. The whole thread is excellant.

Musings From Mark

Look at your last previous posters. Over 50,000 posts and 30 years combined experience on this board. I would definately want them in my corner any day of the week here on this board.

Nesre

Haven't left...just working long hours and trying to recover from this roller coaster of emotions. I have all posts and digesting.

Back again...my WW says she she wants to come around, but when she does I feel repulsed by her and I am short/slightly rude to her. Obviously this drives her away. I am sure this is normal, but not the way she wants me to treat her, and I don't want to treat her that way. Yes she did a horrible, selfish thing or i wouldn't be here.

I am still up in the air about divorcing her, but I know I can't live this way for the rest of my life.

We have so many years together...if I am to take her back there has to be drastic changes in her behavior, both domestically and emotionally.

Needing some guidance...

BH

I suggest you start back at your original post and look at all the advise that was given.

Then come back and tell us what part of it you implemented in the past 10 days or so.

It would also be of great help to the posters to know what your decision is concenring the M. That way they can respond accordingly.

Nesre

Thanks nerse...i will do that. Just so confusing.

I agree, you need to get a plan together if you want to save your marriage, you need to let go of your anger and focus on the plan...
There is lots of vets here that can walk you through every step......
Marriage are worth saving and here is your chance to build the best marriage you have ever had.....
It's hard work.....yes........
13 years is a long time to just throw in the towel without at least seeing if there is any hope....
time is the key here, don't make any decisions until you are emotionally capable of doing so......
good luck

I recently found on the home computer the guys name, address, and phone number. What is your advice about confronting this guy? Should I stop snooping?

This jack hole (mid 30's) still lives at home with his mom. Wonder what his mommy would think? Knowing my wife, he probably didn't she was married, since she lies about her age anyway.