Hi,

I'm new to the discussion forum but have been somewhat familiar with the site for about a year, reading here and there.
I'll share more details of my 'story' in another post but wanted to get feedback on the importance of knowing why an affair happened to begin with. Is it important or does it really matter in the big picture ?
My husband and I have been together for fifteen years, married for twelve. We had what we ( and our friends ) considered to be a 'good' marriage. It hasn't been without it's trials but overall we considered it to be good.
I recently discovered that my husband was in the beginning stages ( two months ) of an affair and had another woman who was 'just a friend'.. the kind he never told me about. I discovered their friendship through a private email account at the same time I uncovered the affair, also through the private email account... Anyhow, we have begun counseling through a Christian based therapist who actually uses this site as sort of a directive along with his counseling. One of the things that has been the most important issues for me at this stage is knowing how and why this could have happened... in order for me to feel safe and be able to trust that it won't happen again. I'm not naive to think that just knowing is enough to ward off a future affair but I do feel it's important to get to the root of what brought my husband to make that decision.. My husband is not a communicator ( another issue/ another post) and is something we are going to work on in therapy, but when we both expressed wanting to get to the root of this to the therapist, he said that 'why' it happened wasn't important and that we needed to move on... Well, I understand about moving on but how can you move on if you don't know what direction you need to go ? Am I missing something here ?

thanks,


teresa

he may not know himself? bored with his life. the excitement and forbiddeness of an a makes it awfully tempting.

prd

I do think it is important for him to figure out the WHY.... when you work the MB program I think you kind of figure out the WHY anyway...when you figure the needs that were or were not being met and/or the boundaries that need to be established for your WH to meet. You will figure out each others most important needs so that way you can both work at those....

Teresa,

My FWH and I have been through counseling with Steve Harley and SH and I discussed this very issue. One of our assignments was for FWH to tell me about every instance of infidelity and to provide as many details as I wanted. The only question I was not allowed to ask was "why." As I recall, SH's reasoning was that H wouldn't truly be able to answer that question and in the end, the real reason was because he failed to protect himself and our M from his actions.

For instance, my H would probably have said that he engaged in the behaviors he did for several reasons: mid-life crisis, his need for admiration not being met, his need for SF not being met, etc. In the end, however, none of these things could ever excuse his behavior. We both had needs that were going unmet in the M (along with tons of LB's), but I protected myself and H didn't, which was WHY he was unfaithful and I wasn't.

Bea

This is easy to answer.

Why = Emotional needs not being met and a feeling of entitlement to have those needs met.

How = Poor boundaries.



How to prevent it from happening.

Identify each others emotional needs and start meeting them.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

Start using Extraordinary precautions (Boundaries with the opposite sex)


It's just that simple.

Hi hope98,
Welcome to MB - sorry you're here under these circumstances, but you've come to the best place for help.

Let's look at a couple of things:
First of all, what's important is that your WH give you any info you need regarding the A. Some BSs don't want to hear all the details and have just a few questions regarding their spouse's A. Others (like me) needed to hear every gory, nasty detail. How much he discloses is up to YOU.

Next, you say your counsellor uses this site as a tool for his counselling, but if he's telling you that 'why' it happened isn't important and that you need to 'move on' he's missing some critical steps that are part of this program. You will not be able to move on. You 'move on' when you leave one job to go to another. You 'work through and heal' from an A. That sounds like semantics, but there is a difference. The A is now a part of your marital history. It will never leave your history, but you can work through the damage that was done and use it to help you rebuild a better marriage. You'll get those tools here.

Have you read the articles on this site? I would suggest that you order the book "Surviving an Affair" - it'll be very helpful for you and your WH.

Consider counselling with the Harleys as opposed to, or in addition to, your current counsellor.

Print off the Emotional Needs Questionnaire for both you and your WH. This will help you both identify your most important emotional needs.

Keep reading here and keep posting.

Why is just inviting excuses. When I first found out I asked "Why?" and was given some very hurtful excuses..."Because you won't have SF with me?" (not true) or "I didn't think there was anything wrong..."

Many years later we talk about these excuses and he is ashamed he said these things. Those were not the real reasons, just excuses to throw me off...

You CAN ask Why, but don't expect a real answer...

My suggestion, don't ask...

beautifully written. the greatest irony is when the wayward says the betrayed wasnt meeting their needs so thats why they strayed. As if they could possibly meet all their bs needs while engulfed in an a.

prd

Like the other say, it is important to know why:

1) What Emotional Needs weren't you meeting
2) What circumstances led to you not meeting those needs
3) What circumstances led to him not protecting his boundaries

For example, if you were not meeting RC because he was not home because of work travel and he had to travel with a woman collegue and they had drinks after work...

and about ninety percent of all men cheat! thats the number one reason. you could be a perfect wife and your husband still cheat! hopefully with proper boundaries, mb philosophies, and a lot of luck, he wont repeat.

prd

Do you have a source for that statistic?

HOGWASH!!!

If that's true then 90% of all women cheat as well!!!

what is your estimate? i base this on all the adult males i've known or know. i'd guess about thirty percent of women cheat.

prd

I think it is important to know WHY....asking a fogged up wayward or foggy former wayward is not going to give you the real reason WHY...its gonna give you their fogged up reason...once you go through emotional needs and boandaries and the wayward defogs you find out the REAL reasons WHY.

67% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

The men you know cheat With the same 3 women?

Isnt that a big part of MB.....you could be meeting all the emotional needs except for the most important one to him and that is the one he is getting from someone else....Thats not an excuse but it is a reason. Then he needs to learn that he had no boundaries and instead of telling his wife, he got that need met by someone else. It takes teamwork in a marriage...and I think the MB program helps to show couples how to do that teamwork best to ensure your best chance at not repeating an A.

My needs were not being met, I didnt tell my H they werent, but I had boundaries in place for myself not to cheat...WH did not.

how did you know that? is this one them? suzie? right age.

prd

50/50

In my personal life I have known Waaayyyyy more women who have committed adultery than men. But that's just my personal experience tainting my perception. The real number is about half of both.


But telling someone "He cheated because 90% of all men cheat" is Sexist, untrue, counterproductive, irresponsible and to a Betrayed Husband like myself.....a little insulting!