Thank you. I feel this way, though try to be mature about it, although it is really hard.

Attractive wife... check
Wife that likes sex... check
Wife that tells you how sexy/cool/funny you are... check
Wife that tends to all of the domestic stuff...check
Wife who takes out the trash, even to the curb... check
Wife who takes great care of the kids...check
Wife who is eager to please you...check
Wife who likes what you like...check
Wife who is encouraging and supportive...check
Wife who is thoughtful and likes to give you gifts...check


I could go on. But then I am just tooting my own horn...

my H was stressing out about not having the "perfect" thing to wear to the graduation, so I gave him two of his father's day gifts early. A really nice tie and a nice new belt. My friends were telling me not to get him anything because of how Mothers Day went, but that is just stupid to me. Why would I treat him like that, when I do not want to be treated like that!

Anyway, I was super excited and happy and acting silly and said that I has the perfect solution - I could give him some of his gifts early and he would have something nice to wear! Wow, that good feeling did not last but 5 seconds when he announced that the belt I got him was not the right size (it was) before he even really LOOKED at it. I KNOW this man's body better than he does, and I GOT the RIGHT size. I explained that it really was the right size and asked him to try it on. He did, and it fit. Imagine that! At least he liked the tie. He did not thank me until several hours later, when we were getting into bed. I am glad he thanked me, but for 4 hours my feelings were hurt that he was so unappreciative.

He has commented the past 2 days about how his car was out of gas. He LOATHES getting gas. So, he got pissy with me tonight when I ran to get dog food (he showed up at home to get dressed and go right back to work, but never communicated with in any way when I was to expect him home for this), in my OWN car, that had a full tank (that I filled) because he wanted to take MY car because it had gas and his did not. He literally complained for TWO days about being out of gas, but never went to a station (this is weird to me). I told him I was on my way home - and when I drove up the drive, he was STANDING in the driveway, ready to just hop in my car and leave.

Later on, I left and filled his tank up with gas. He called me to tell me his speech went well and asked what I was up to. I told him I was driving his car back home after filling it up with gas, so he did not have to worry about it tomorrow (last day of school). He then COMPLAINED about where I took it to fill up, because he wanted me to use a rewards card at a station CLEAR ACROSS TOWN. Seriously. Then said "well, thanks for doing it, I guess". Ouch.

Of course the parents are going to say that...that is what is socially expected. But behind his back, the parents (I promise you) are saying "I wish his speech would have been shorter". Not sure if it's worth passing on but having been to high school graduations for 5 years now and college graduations twice, the graduates, staff, and teachers are pleading for shorter speeches. The parents are more concerned with seeing their kid walk across the stage than hearing "now is the future, so much is available, you have the whole world at your grasp...blah blah blah"

Actually, with this "priveleged" school he took over, parents tell you HOW it is, regardless... I run an at home business, and I was at a mom's house last night and several other "school moms" were there going ON AND ON AND ON about how amazing my H is (he is young and very attractive, not what you imagine a school principal to be) and I KNOW he feeds off of this. How can you not? Hot, rich moms telling you how amazing you are?

He WAS at the high school level (at the highest placing and rigorous school in the state) and now is at the middle school level, and I agree - he could have balanced family life with this last week of school, but he only wants perfection professionally.

I gotcha. I'm at a school that is ranked within the top 20 in the nation. It's a gifted and talented magnet school. The school has more students receiving more money in scholarships than all the other high schools in the state combined. The school is a 6th-12th grade IB/VPA school. The parents are very very picky and very honest and demand a lot. And while they will tell you how amazing the principal is, they would still tell her how amazing her speech was and then when you're walking through the post-graduation gathering, hear a lot of parents talking about how long the speech took.

Anyway...even at a school like this, the principal still takes time with her family. There's no reason why your husband couldn't also

My fears? Much like having a "weekend" husband, is having a husband for 3 weeks and then back to his daily grind. 9 months of HELL for me, but 9 months of admiration, attention, affirmation, conversation for him. No A, A, A or C for me 3/4 of the YEAR. I.May.Go.Insane.

The Asst. Super to our district was the Principal when my H was an Asst. Principal at the time, and flat out told him that if he wanted a family to put first, he was in the wrong profession (yet this woman has FIVE children)!!

I cannot compete with several woman every SINGLE day heaping praise upon my H, when I cannot even persuade him to not make a huge mess when he walks in the door.

I live in a state ranked #1 in public education in the USA. Our school district is consistently in the top 10.

Having been to my son's HS graduation, both sons' middle school "graduations" (still not on board that a big deal is even made of "graduating" middle school, but whatever), I can tell you...

The kids' speeches are WAY better than the adults. Why? Here's my theory.

The kids are writing and speaking from the heart. The adults (teachers, administrators, etc.) are speaking for the admiration and props.

Gdar - just catching up on your thread.

(((Gdar))) I know this must be really tough. I know the Harleys recommended you make your home a haven for your husband. I don't know I could do that with all he puts you through. I agree with the others to snoop as best you can, especially with these new Facebook developments. Since the home laptop is no taken to work, is it possible to keylog it?

In regards to making home more pleasant for your husband... back when I stayed home all day and DH worked and got home around 5, I found that the first 5-10 minutes he was home REALLY set the mood for the rest of the evening. When I'd make it a point to greet him with a hug and a smile, be pleasant and upbeat, etc. the rest of the evening would just sail by. If I was grumpy then we'd be sniping at each other the whole evening.

I know it's hard because you expect him home at a certain time and he consistently disrespects you by coming home whenever he feels like - maybe if you take a few seconds when you hear him arriving to take a deep breath and mentally shelve that frustration.... or maybe put it in a lockbox in a mental safe and do your best to greet him with a smile and a hug. Try to be glad to see him, if only because it is another chance to be loving to him for the sake of your marriage.

Then, in the evening when you have a bit of time to yourself, take that frustration out of its lockbox and write out how you feel in a journal. Telling your frustrations to your husband right now will have NO affect. He knows how you feel, but he doesn't care, YET.

Regarding making time for the two of you: This 3 weeks off is coming up. I know he's already planned to go out with jerknugget friend. I don't think there is much you can do about that. Instead, are there things you can do together at home, after the kids are asleep, that you enjoy? Maybe if every night you have a plan for something fun to do when the kids are out he wont have time to think about going anywhere else. Boardgames, movies, sitting on the porch, cooking an exotic desert. Be excited and enthusiastic about these things, tell how much you want to spend time with him.

Admiration seems to be a big need of his. You need to do everything you can to fill it. If you have to, sit down and make a list of all that you admire about him. It may be hard, but shoot for a set number. Think of things you can appreciate, even if it is just picking up his plate after dinner, or taking out the trash.

I admire what you are trying to do - I don't know that I have it in me to do, but I think you can do this!

Snooping and Radical Honesty have always seemed at odds for me. I understand the need to have the information and the source of information, so you don't want to tip your hand. But on the other hand (hahaha) you want to be upfront and honest in your relationship with your H.

The way I've played it is, when I've found some information I wait for an opportunity where I can talk calmly and simply say..."I found....and I want you to stop..." No discussion, no questions, no raised voice. I can explain how I feel about it, and leave it at that. Anything else that comes out of his mouth other than, "OK" or "I'm Sorry" will be Bchit and you can call it thus... Then walk away.

I got to the point where I stopped snooping and just assumed there was still sneaky behavior. I told him I was tired of working OT to try to catch him, and he was working hard to keep me from the info. I would just save myself the trouble and assume the worst.

Things got better when he was truly remorseful and openly allowed me access to everything he had hidden before. He doesn't change his password. He is on FB, but I can look at his wall and see everything he is doing... And when I have a concern, I tell him, and he fixes it...no excuses, no gaslighting. I hear "You are right..."

It's taken us years to get here, and many a fire. It is possible.

Yeah, my H used to do and say these things. I had to teach him how I wanted to be treated. I would say to him, "I'd like to hear from you right now,'This is great honey, just what I wanted.'" And if he didn't say that, and mean it, I would take the gift back and walk out of the room. No need to subject myself to the abuse...

Sounds like "the Principle" has two completely different groups of admirers, the rich cute moms who gush over him at work and the uneducated wife who he can have sex with but who he does not respect at home.

In his mind, you SHOULD be admiring him in fact worshiping at his feet because he stooped so low to take you on. (NOT!!!!!) You are the slave/housekeeper who picks up after him, takes care of the puppy, helps with his stress at work, and is always there for him to raise his kids.

How can you get some respect from this man who would never DARE treat anyone at work the way he treats you. I will be thinking about how you can do this.

Sheesh Bubbles, that was harsh! Amazing that you presume to know what's going through her husband's mind. I do agree about the admiration but I think you've got it wrong about how he feels about Gdar.

I am HOPING, praying, wishing....that I have it WRONG!!!!!!!! Right now I like her and dislike him intensely. Maybe it is coloring my words, my intense dislike of him.

Holy cow, Gdar, I can't believe all that you are going through. **hugs**

I guess what I have been wanting to say is I WISH you had told Dr H that 1) you did an long-term Plan A while your H still worked with OW (I remember that about your story back when you got here **shudder**) 2) your H still has work contact with OW.

These are things that take a toll on your mental health, undermine your self-confidence and affect your ability to meet needs and avoid lovebusters ~ so I can't help but to wonder if his advice might have been different if he knew all of this.

I wonder if you should call him back to let him know about this FB stuff. I know everyone is saying not to say anything but this is NOT something I would be able to tolerate at all.

Hang in there.

I also intensly dislike Gdar's WH, Bubbles. However, she has a family to consider, her children. What would be BEST for them is for Gdar and her husband to have an amazing, happy, healthy marriage. I believe Gdar wants to TRY to create that, for herself and for her children. I encourage her to give it her best. I don't know that I would have it in me.

Dr. H did say that Gdar's husband was pretty much an affair waiting to happen. It's happened once before and there has really been no recovery for either of them.

I am putting my thinking cap on trying to think up ways she can handle it. Might take me a few days. "Recovery" and all that involves would be one important thing she/he could do.

GDAR, maybe you could review the rules for RECOVERY here on this site and then find a way to communicate these (rules and requirements to recovery) to your husband when he has some time off...soon.

If you speak about the rules for recovery and tell him you are not recovered, and he says he does not have time for this, then ask him if he has a little time to spend on a divorce and child custody and arranging support payments. ? Just an idea.

THANK YOU, VIB! I needed to read this. I NEED the constant (what, am I a baby, or something ) encouragement!!

This is how I approach this behavior with my kids - and even my MIL. Each time we get her a gift, she complains, so I immediately say "no worries, I will take it back or keep it myself" and I physically remove it from her hand, put it with my belongings and change the subject.

Stella, you know me well. Princess, this was not harsh because I OFTEN feel this way. OFTEN. He would NEVER dare treat anyone this way - it is reserved for just me.