you know im kidding with you.

prd

Of course...

Bea, maritalbliss, stillhere,gack, stillmakingit, paleriderThank you all for your great responses... very helpful info.
In my situation I think that the answer will either come out through working the MB program or I will just never know and will have to accept that. That will require a lot of work for me.. I'm a person who has to make sense of things... This just did not make sense. At least not on the surface... I have been married before and have been through many years of therapy for various life issues ( adopted, abused childhood, abusive marriages, etc ), so I work really hard at making those around me 'feel good', for lack of a better phrase. With my husband, I constantly asked him ( when I noticed some emotional distance ), if he felt loved and cared for... I had gone through the MB emotional needs list with him over a year ago. He never once said that he was unhappy or felt unloved, etc. Obviously, he lied... or maybe doesn't even know what 'needs' are or that he's allowed to express them.

I really need some support and validation right now and you've all done that... I agree that our counselor is missing an important step to this process of healing and was surprised at what he said considering he uses this site as I think it was on this site that I read that it was important to understand why it happened in order to prevent it from happening again..

Thanks again... I'll keep reading and posting....


teresa

you cant logic through irrational behavior. it will drive you crazy.

prd

Hello Hope,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. I encourage you to continue using this forum and learning MB principles. This site and the people here can be of tremendous help.

Knowing WHY it happened is very important. In fact, when counseling with S. Harley this was one of the first issues we tackled. However, the answer to WHY is very simple: an A happens because the WS has weak boundaries. That�s it.

Trying to look for other answers to the questions will only get you justifications typically related to the BS not meeting WS's EN. However, many people avoid falling into an A even when their ENs are not being met so that can't be the reason WHY. If the reason WHY it happened was that you weren�t meeting ENs then it�d have been your fault - which is not true.

The sooner you understand that the reason WHY it happened is as simple as your WH having weak boundaries then the sooner you�ll be ready to progress to other steps of R. Your WH�s weak boundaries didn�t protect him from the threat of becoming �just friends� with a person of the opposite sex. If WH could�ve protected his weakness then he wouldn�t have taken steps to cultivate that �friendship�. So the reason the A happened is that he didn�t have the boundaries in place to avoid putting your M in danger.

A major part of your R is for the both of you to understand your weaknesses and protect your M from the risk of an A. Keep in mind that Dr. Harley says that anybody (yes, including you and me) could fall in an A under the wrong set of circumstances. So MB is about understanding the concepts and putting rules in place that will prevent our pre-wired weaknesses to have an A.

In the beginning I was going crazy trying to make sense of WHY this happened to my M. The thing is that an A and the actions of a WS defies logic - there's absolutely no sense in their actions. They behave like a drug addict or a falling down drunk. So trying to explain WHY they behave in the way they do is completely pointless.

For me, getting to understand the fact that weak boundaries was the reason WHY my WW had an A saved me from further overanalyzing and excessive dwelling. So you don�t need to delve into deep explanations or even need to ask WH the reason WHY when you already know that the A was due to weak boundaries. At least that answer helped me to close the loop on the WHY. question.

Regards

--ElCamino72

BINGO! Requirements for Recovery

thanks prd, I just need to be reminded....

Maybe you should get different friends?

Thanks ElCamino and Melody....


Do you believe boundaries can be taught or is it something someone shoud instinctively know ?
I'm asking because I always thought or assumed it was instinctual however, according to my WH, he 'didn't know' it was wrong to 'just talk' to another woman in a bar during a business trip.. BTW- he is still traveling every week so I'm constantly triggered... When he took this job over a year and a half ago, I warned him about the dangers of eating alone at a bar and just having a 'few drinks'... I was accused of being paranoid and over sensitive...... He is now apologizing for those comments and says he didn't realize 'it' would happen to him.....


teresa

Yes, they can certainly be taught. But in my opinion people are extremely negligent for growing up not learning, somewhere along the line, how affairs start. People ought to know these things. Yet they do not. But they can learn!

Boundaries are often taught when we are young, and if your family has lax boundaries, you grow up thinking these things are OK...

They can be both but are mostly taught. How many people really, really ever had a discussion with their parents or peers about the dangers of speaking with the opposite sex, IB, etc. that can set the stage for an A? Most parents barely speak to their children about sex, drugs or other pitfalls that are out there....even if for no other reason than they think it will never happen to their child or the child should just "know better." I'd even go as far as saying that boys are at a bigger disadvantage than girls because society just expects a boy to "figure it out", "real men" don't cry or ask for directions. So now you have the blind leading the blind and a lot of damage is caused out of ignorance.

And you will be continually triggered and he will continue to have affairs as long as he travels. Traveling jobs are an invitation affairs. So if you want to recover from this, that is the first place I would start: get a job where there is no traveling and pledge to never spend the night apart again.

"Change the environment" that led to the affair. You know that this is the condition under which your H cheats, so the idea is to remove the condition.

The thinking goes like this: if I get hit by a car when I play chicken, then I should stop playing chicken.

Some think they should just become better chicken players but that is just an exercise in stupidity. Tempting fate is foolish.

From the book Lovebusters:

Careers that are notoriously hard on marriages are those that separate spouses overnight. And the longer the separation, the more likely it is that the career will cause the loss of love, and possibly a divorce. Military marriages, for example are notoriously bad because couples can be separated for months at a time.

But those who work on ships, pilots and flight attendants, over-the-road truckers, or train engineers also tend to have disappointing marriages because their jobs keep them away from their spouses for days or even weeks.

Couples should avoid being separated overnight.

This integrates you both into each other's careers and makes it possible to continue meeting each other's needs.

More advice: If your job does not allow your spouse to come along when you travel overnight, I strongly recommend that you change that condition of your job or change the job itself to keep your marriage from being at risk.

The basic rule is this: Your spouse and family should not serve your career; your career should serve them. And if you are in a career where its demands are so great that your spouse's interests simply cannot be considered, you're in the wrong career.

pg. 198 "Any career that takes you away from your spouse overnight is dangerous to the health of your marriage. The more often you're gone, the more dangerous it is. That's because most of the important emotional needs are usually met in the evening, and when you're apart they can't easily be met. If emotional needs are unmet, Love Bank balances fall, and if a couple eventually falls out of love, they no longer feel like meeting each other's needs EVEN WHEN THEY ARE TOGETHER."

I agree but in the education environment there are many scenarios, for example teachers take kids to field trips and go with collegues, of course they spend the night in hotels. I have never heard that this breeds As...but it is very possible, I can't exclude it
Also, I have a friend who is married and she is into running and she runs for competition. Her FB is all about her and you see her picture only no picture with H, plus she posts pics where she is with OM who are running collegues. Looking at her FB you would have no clue she is married till you see her profile that says she is....
yes, I can see she is definately in the waiting room for an A and her H should watch it...
blessing

Melody, having no boundaries is an attitude and a lifestyle. My WH and I were always together and he did it right under my nose with the downstairs neighbor with all the neighborhood and my son always around....if they want to cheat on you they will, no doubt.
blessing

In most cases there is a solution if the couple is creative enough. Dr Harley even attends women's retreats with Joyce.

We have so many teachers on this forum who had affairs while on field trips, seminars. It is a stupid risk to take with one's marriage. As we have seen on this forum.

Your H has no boundaries, Atena. He had numerous opposite sex friendships, spent time away from you; had no interest in boundaries whatsoever. He is a the poster child of what happens when you have NO boundaries.

I know Dr H. says that everybody could have an A, yet
--i see many BS on this forum who would have a million "excuses" to have an A given how thier WH treats them, but they do not
--having an A never crossed my mind.
--I went on many trips with male collegues never crossed my mind to sleep with any.

I think waywardness in a trait that results in poor boundaries. You might not be born with it or you may, your upbringing plays a role. But you do not become waywards from morning to evening.

blessing

Now, if your husband wanted to recover, the first place he should start is NOT having female friends. He would open up his cell phone and become completely transparent. If he were serious about not cheating, but he is not, those are some of the things he would do.