This is kind of a roll call.... I was just wondering how many of us have confronted the OW/OM? What prompted the confrontation? What was the outcome? <P>I'll go first.....<BR>Yes, I did confront the brainless twinky and my H (at the same time). What prompted me to do it? Well, seeing them together, in a place I go a lot, that H wouldn't go with me, when I was waiting on him to meet me to continue working on us. I just couldn't take any more.<BR>The outcome? Well, since it's been less than a week, I still don't know. He has been calling, leaving messages & paging me, but I'm hurting too bad right now to be receptive to anything he says. We will just have to wait and see what comes out of this.<P>(for more info, read my posts about being "stupid, stupid, stupid" and "confrontation with brainless twinky & H, blow by blow".<P>Thanks,<BR>B<P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

I confronted OM Thursday night when my W caled him in front of me to find out if he had been talking to me since I knew so much. <P>I got on the other line and we started talking, I told him the whole situation, the way my W is (lieing habit) and told him that I thought he was scum and I had no repect for him as a man for taking a mother away from three boys that needed her and from a family that needed her. He actually said he understood and that he didn't mean for this to happen. I told that's even more of a reason he's not a man.<P>Needless to say, I asked her to move back out and have an appt with an attorney.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

Butterfly... You know a little of my story...<P>The prompt came from a first meeting of OM... unfortunately at my daughter's dance recital... (I wasn't going to do anything)... but then W and OM wanted to take all 3 kids afterwards for ice cream and I put my foot down... TOTAL DISASTER! I yelled at her.. him..., they yelled back... my mom who was there was in tears... it was a surealistic scene from hell.<P>I beleive the outcome is that I pushed my W more to her OM! She felt "protected" by him...yuck!!! And, set myself back a few months(at least) by this huge display of Love Busting. I should have done something else... but my emotions at the time (after getting home on a flight 4 AM that morning) weren't controlled by rational thought. Whose are?<P>But I trod on... Plan A....<P>Jim

The only confrontation I've been able to have is to go to her grave and spit on it. No, I didn't do the doggie poop thing that I threatened to do; it would only hurt her mother and brother.<P>As for the Cafe Woman, I think that is coming up--as soon as I decide how to approach her. It's gotta be done right, since I basically am thinking of tricking the truth out of her.

well, she's confronted me, AND vice versa. At first discovery, last year, she came to my house, and she mostly got mad at H when i said we were in fact still having sex. a year later, when i found out for sure she was working with him (he hired her at his new job!!!), he was living at her house, and he told me he'd been in love with her all along, but that it was now over (after SHE cheated on H!!!), i stareted sending her little nasty emails, to let her know i was still in the picture, and she called me and demanded i take a paternity test (H told her it was not his, and used that as a springboard to get with her on a business conference), we called him on the phone 3-way, and he actually told her he loved her, and made up some story about how we had actually been divorced for months, i had signed the papers without knowing it (oh puhlease!). <BR>i e-chatted with her after that, and she was just sooooo flaky, told me she just lives in the moment, and that i should "move on" with my life, and how lovely my son is (i cringe to think when H must have taken him to meet her, and what lie was i buying that day?).<BR>she's a drunken sl*t, in my opinion, and i think they deserve each other...but then again, i am in a REALLY bad mood today. sorry to vent.

I did it too....a couple of times. We are REALLY into recovery now, so this does not hurt as it once did, but I can still look back on it and smile.<P>H had affair with "someone he works with" a year ago, well....he WOULD NOT tell me who, so I made it my business to figure out who this girl was. He was home from work and I marched right into the place of employment and asked who was working that past Saturday. Keep in mind I knew NOTHING about her, except she was younger than I....Aren't they all ? So I asked around, found out that two people were working. One was a guy...thank GOD that was not who I was looking for, and low-and-behold I found the needle in the haystack.<P>I told her who I was, and why I was there. She told me that she ahd no intentions of being with him (liar, liar, pants on fire) anymore. <P>So their affair lasted a few more months, until Jan 2, 1999 when I confronted them AGAIN....at the gym where THEY were working out TOGETHER....HOW COZY!!! Smacked her on the head, and ripped him apart. Got arrested, YEP I sure did...I DO NOT recommend that folks!<P>BUT...the good part is that I scared her. Oh sure, he tried to protect her, but they soon realized that I am a nut and that they did not want to be together anymore.... <P>Six weeks to the day, he moved back home and never looked back. We are in SERIOUS recovery and have NEVER been happier. A whole new world. Steve Harley helped me a lot, and I have ZERO regrets.<P>As a side note, or a P.S.<BR>I called her at work two weeks ago, mind you we have been back together for a good 7 months now with not so much as a peep out of her....I called to tell her I have forgiven her. She and I talked for a bout 40 minutes, and I am so happy I did it. I had been wanting to call her FOREVER or write her, but decided that was the time. She had been wanting the same also. She wants to be "friends"...well, in the words of Oprah, "I have forgiven her, but that does not mean I want her to come over for Sunday tea."<P>So there is my story....not a pretty one, but it is a happy ending.....And they lived happily ever after..... <P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>

I have talked to OW, but it was a "love thy enemy" approach, and just told her I was waiting for H to finish things with her so that H could come back home, and tryed to let her know she was the biggest problem at this time regaurding our reconciliation..<P>Maybe I should be more agressive, but God has really put the squeeze on me, that these two have to see how a Christian goes through trials.... Its the most sacrificial thing Ive ever had to deal with, I even crocheted OC a blanket that H gave to him.... <P>I don't know whats right half of the time, I have written tons of e-mail to her, and chatted on irc to her.... the e-mails that I felt were mean or hurtful still sit in my draft section of my messager....<P>cozy...

Just by email...I told her leave H alone, taking the high road of course, and she apologized and we haven't heard from her since. Enough for me!<P>------------------<BR>Joan <P>"Turn your wounds into wisdom..." That really cool black gal who was on Oprah all summer.<BR>

Butterfly<BR>You know the only confrontation I got was in April after the floor caved in and I found that last phone bill. I phoned the OW and offered my H to her on a silver platter. And she was stupid enough that she spent the night expecting him. He didn't show so she started phoning his cell to see what was taking him so long.<BR>It wasn't enough. I need more. I need closure. I need.........<BR>

Maybe you all remember, I did call the OW at work and told her off. It was the worst mistake I could have made. H left that day and hasn't returned. (she (Mia) has apparently called things off a while ago, and I refused to believe them...)

I am interested in hearing all your "confrontation" stories. My H had an affair with a coworker - it has supposedly been over for about 7 or 8 months. They still work together and I harbor great resentment and rage that she is still there. H owns business and can't just fire her. H also has said he doesn't want her to leave; she is good for the business. When I told him several months ago of my need to "speak" with her he freaked and begged me not to do it as it would be bad for his career; I didn't know how she would react; she may sue us etc. I sometimes wonder if there are other "real" reasons he doesn't want me to confront her. I feel I need to confront ow as part of MY healing process - to tell her how much she has hurt our family; to find out if she has any plans to leave; to ask her to atone by leaving etc. I have been going over and over what I will say to her. My therapist really thinks I have to go through with this; that I should not tell my H I am going to do it or that I did it. But not telling him seems so sneaky, secretive and dishonest and a betrayal of him. I really don't know what to do. I must say that reading what happened to Tired Lady really gives me cold feet. But what is the alternative - continue to feel like a powerless victim while the ow struts around the office like a f-ing princess. The only difference between me and Tired Lady is that I do believe it is over with H and ow - but her continuing presence makes it impossible for me to heal and triggers fears they will get back together if circumstances at home are not peachy perfect always. I'd appreciate any advice you veterans of confrontation may have to offer. <BR> Simone

Some of you already know my story but here it is again: I confronted her only 2 days after <BR>discovery, at that point I felt completely devasted, my whole world had fallen apart. did not plan this confrontation but happened by accident... or not...I say that God put her in front of my eyes that day...to help me<BR>deal with this devilish thing...as I was walking out of CVS she was walking in...she gives me this "Hi, how are you" thing and I motioned for her to come closer to me. I said "stop f---ing around with my husband", "I know all about it" ---- she "we are not", "I repeat to you, stop f---ing around with my husband", "I will have you know that I love my husband and I will not stand for this, if you continue f----ing around with him I will have you know that I will be doing the same on my end, I will not give him up to you", "and, furthermore you are an hyppocrite, here you were just last year, complaining to me that your ex-husband had a GF and she used to follow you aroung and you thought your husband was a liar, you know what, you are the liar", then she says, pretty embarrassed<BR>because all this is happening in front of the store with people walking in and out "I don't have to take this" and walks away from me. At this point I run to my car crying histerically because I am so upset about this confrontation, I take my car phone and call my H and I tell him exactly what transpired...he was not too happy to hear what happened and that I just ruined his day...I reminded him that he and his GF had just ruined their day...not me...and that I am innocent in all this...and I reminded that <BR>that I loved him...and how could he possibly do this to me. I shook her up, she went back and told him everything I said to her and she thought I was vulgar because I used the "F"<BR>word...I told H that she was lucky I did not punch her in her disgusting little face. Then, another day I went to the place of employment and wanted to talk to her again, to tell her to leave us alone but my husband<BR>stopped me before I could get to her and he asked me not to make a scene. I complied, but after this they both got the message that I will take no more sh--, that I meant business, that I knew everything that was going on and then we finally agreed on a date for her to leave the place (this sat. 10/30)

My confrontation isn't the same as confronting an OW cuz my H had a long-time EA with his ex-girlfriend. They had everything going on except sex. <P>An EA is probably harder to break up because they say "we're just friends!!" & "you need some serious counselling cuz you're a jealous wreck." etc. etc. <P>But having a man give his heart, soul and money to another woman is terribly threatening to the stability of a marriage.<P>After countless arguments over his ex-g/f my H & I had a huge blowout. He said he was going to give me $1000 to get out of the house the next day and leave. <P>Man, was I crushed. He chose her over me and I was kicked to the curb. <P>So I called her from my friend's house. *GRACE-CLASS-AND DIGNITY* was the key - no acting like a trucker on crank and spewing - just a calm heart-to-heart chick-talk explaining my reasons for wanting them to move on and what my H was saying and doing that she might not have been aware of. <P>I behaved so gently and "ladylike" that there was no reason for her to dislike me or report horrible things to my H. Gotta have style when it comes to these matters! <P>Long story short: she was up the entire night crying and then sought counselling for herself. <P>My H has seen the light realizing that sometimes you gotta put the past and former lovers in the past where they belong, especially if it's ruining his chances for a happy future with me. <P>I confronted another friend of my H who was overstepping her boundaries. Long story, but I called her - she wasn't home so I talked to her H, told him it concerned me to have his W in tears at my H's studio, upset over her unhappy marriage and needing a shoulder to cry on. <P>I told him I trusted my H but can't trust another woman who was basically a stranger to me. <P>He called his W, she showed up at my doorstep and we had a heart-to-heart chick-talk that lasted about an hour. <P>She understands me, honors the "Chick Code of Honor" and respects our boundaries. I consider her a friend of mine as well. <P>I told her that one of the reasons I was concerned was that my H told me he got a "vibe" from her indicating that she was sexually attracted to him and would do him. She laughed! <P>Oh the ego of my H - and what's his deal with enjoying making me jealous and then blaming me for being jealous? <P>It's a sick game but in some way it proves my love for him because he's never had a woman fight for him and he loves it. If I ignore it he pushes it further.<P>So he gets to think women are after him, and I step in and "claim my property" and we are happily ever after. <P>At least he doesn't need me to cook and clean like Betty Crocker everyday to prove my love for him! <P><p>[This message has been edited by KarmaGrrl (edited October 25, 1999).]

The first time I confronted her was the night I caught them. Then I found out that he had been calling her and I called and threatened her and told her to stay the he!! away from him. Well that worked for about 2 weeks. H said he was having no problems with not contacting her. Then one day she calls to talk to me when I wasn't home. She called the next night (she knew I was going to be gone) and talked to H. That started things up again. I was wondering how he could go from I love you and will do anything to make this work to I don't think I want to be married anymore in a week. So I called her again and I said you could have the respect to wait until he gets divorced. He said he needed time to think on his own and I told her he wasn't getting that with her calling all the time. She said that she would give him time to make a decision. Well she called and told him, then proceeded to call him again! Well, I talked to H and said somethings that I thought was causing his feelings (besides her) and he decided to try and make it work. He called her and told her it was over and he had chosen me. She called and said if that was what he really wanted he should tell her to his face. I said bulls@^$. THEN she called me. Said she was glad he choose me and then she had to tell me all the things he had told her. I didn't let it get to me. I believe that his feelings were for the fantasy of her and not reality. I told her I was glad he picked me too. She did say dome hurtful things. I felt like the whole thing was a game to her. She didn't care about him she just cared about what she wanted. <BR>I hope that this time she really will stop calling, but if she doesn't I hope that H can be honest enough to tell me if she calls. The only place she can reach him is at work so there is nothing I can do. Just hope he trusts me and has enough love for me to tell me...<BR>Sorry to be so long!<BR>Jaded Heart

I confronted OW the night I found out about the affair. It took me most of the night to convice H to give me her name and number. He wanted me to wait to call her until the next night (to get a chance to warn her!!). I didn't wait and she was very surprised and upset. I asked if she had told her H and when she said no I told her she had better do it because I would be calling him. I have called her a few times after that...like times when she called me and said it was over and then continued leaving e-mail or voice mail messages. I had to let her know I was a person and she was not going to walk all over me. She had a fight on her hands and she would not just walk away with my H. It also gave her a chance to show her true colors...It is hard to act a certain way when you are caught off guard.<p>[This message has been edited by Cracker (edited October 25, 1999).]

Called some, wrote to some, met one.<BR>I never did turn out like I wanted it too! So I stopped trying the direct approach, and why I advise others not to bother. Not a very satisfying thing to do and sure did nothing to help the healing.<BR>There are some I never got to, but okay wiht me now. They know what they did was wrong...and they have to live with the guilt,not me!

Hi,<P>I have to agree w/ cl. I phoned OW and wrote her 2 we-mails. She contined to tell me that there was nothing going on with her and my h. Just FREINDS. She and my h keep denying their relationship.<BR>It really didn't make me feel any better-probably worse. Contacting her only made me realize how very confused and unfocused the two of them are-still are.<P>Cheryl

I confronted OM on Labor Day. While my W was away, found the final "pieces of the puzzle" which convinced me that something was going on. E-mails, phone calls, too much stuff all too fishy. <P>I had talked with my W for nearly two years, trying at first to be casual and friendly, later became more confrontational. Didn't like the fact that I felt I was competing for my W's time and attention. Also didn't like the fact that she was drinking too much. OM seemed to also enpower to drink more -- even my kids observed it! Major LB's here!<P>This relationship with OM was even more complicated since OM is the husband of her "best friend". Their kids are friends and former classmates with my kids. Ugly!<P>Anyway, the final pieces just put me over the top. I was having a hard time holding back up to that point; these put me over the top.<P>I went off to OM's house. His W answred door, and I said that I wanted to talk to her husband alone. So pissed, I must have been trembling. He came to door, and I said --<BR>1. I never wanted to find out that he was at my house or in contact with my family again, and 2. If I found out he was having an affair with my W, I'd kill him! That was it, PISSED AS SH*T, but trying to hold it together. I didn't shout, just stated it in the most direct, concise way (unlike this post). I also didn't want his kids to overhear since I didn't think it was for them to hear.<P>Anyway, his reaction? He looked back in shock and said "OKAY" to each point. On one hand, in disbelief, on the otherhand, cause he didn't know what to say. <P>As I turned to leave his house, OM called out to his W -- "Did you hear that? Did you hear that? I can't believe this?" Later, his W called a mutual friend of my W, concerned that I WOULD hurt her H and my W.<BR>Why would they have anything to worry about if they weren't involved????<P>Thirty seconds of total relief!! For about an hour, I felt as though a great weight was lifted off my shoulders! <P>POST SCRIPT: I'm still convinced of an emotional affair, but not certain it turned sexual. I'll always wonder if that disbeif OM showed was genuine, or if he was covering his tracks from being "found". My W resents the fact that, not only did I destroy her "friendship" with the OM, and her "best friend/his W", but that "best friend" opened up to a third party. <P>All of my W's "friends" believe I was out of line, an A**-H***, and anti-social... That I just don't understand other sex relationships. I beg to differ: I know now more about other sex "friendships" than I ever cared to know!<P>I probably should have gone to the OM's wife, but was 1. Too damn emotional and 2. affraid that the OM's wife would not take me seriously -- after all, she's my W's "best friend". <P>Confronting him hasn't solved the problem. My W still has contact with her "best friend" and (according to her) inadvertant contact with OM. My kids still ask when they can see/go over/play with their kids.<P>Now what? All I know now is THIS SUCKS!

Yes. I confronted them both early in their emotional affair (two years ago) and all the way through. At first I wanted to know, then I tried to talk them out of it, then I was angry, and hurt. Now I worry about their souls. This is a spiritual war and conventional weapons and methods don't work. I haven't talked to him in a while because I haven't had anything to say. I tried to witness to him twice. At least he says he appreciates my concern for his soul. My wife won't let me finish a sentence. Confronting is like being a stern parent - the kid just figures out a way around the parent. But I love my wife, and if I feel called to say something to the OM, then I will again. May sound strange to you, but prayer really works and is changing the dynamics of this slow dance. Let them confront God as they reach the boundaries...<P>------------------<BR>Eph 6:12

Forgot to mention that the Bible speaks to the issue of confronting sinners - see Matthew 18:15-20. I read so many books, it is funny how this one covers all the bases and I never picked it up until recently. <P>------------------<BR>Eph 6:12