What I was saying was that you didn't want to give him the idea that a divorce from you would be EASY. Of course, you aren't going to let him have both OF YOU, WHERE DID YOU SEE THAT SUGGESTED? What I was saying was that you had to show him that divorcing him would be BAD VERY VERY BAD. If it is better for him to be married to you, then that IS better for you and for your marriagte. KWIM?

You are in Plan A for your marriage, but I would say that right now your MAIN concern should be that baby and your health. If you still want to work on this afterwards, we will still be here. You can do Pllan A in the hospital on bed rest? You will be a HERO on these boards if you can pull off a successful one that way.

I am NOT giving up on you as I se you are not giving up on your marriage. The point is that ALL WS say they are DONE. My WH went so far as to say that he hadn't been happy for 3 years(at the time he had only known OW for 2.5 years, so it wasn't HER fault ), then 2 weeks later, he didn't know why we even got married because he hadn't been happy for 13 years. My response was, "I guess in another couple of weeks, you will erase the other 5 years we were together and not know why we started dating." This was pre-MB, I believe(the time lines get fuzzy now).

So, you have a plan and you won't worry about what your WH is or isn't doing. The BEAUTY of MB is that IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR WH WANTS RIGHT NOW. Yes, to get into recovery, you will need your WH on borad, but to do Plan A and Plan B, you MOST DEFINITELY WILL NOT. Any questions? HEHEHEHEHE

Scotland I got it :0)

I am doing a Plan A as best I can. LOL I am giving words of love and future. Meaning I am talking about plans we had before the fall out as if he has not spoken of leaving or divorce. I have not asked about his intentions of moving or divorce proceedings.

Tonight I made his favorite (easy) dinner and we ate together.

I am doing a plan A modified as best I can because WE are worth it.

I was discharged from the hospital today YEAH! and he picked me up and he offered that we stop and have yogurt, which we did. He even took a taste of yogurt that I offered. We are both uncomfortable and unsure what to say to each other

I know at this point that I am not suppose to be discussing recovery with him but instead showing him with love and support. Which I do modified lol.

I have hope that he will get out of this fog its just my hope is fluctuating constantly lol.

THIS is why you have to have NO EXPECTATIONS in Plan A. That way you are not affected by the actions of a wayturd. Just focus on making YOU the best spouse you ARE. SHOW your WH that you are GREAT.

Got it I am GREAT! I will keep that mantra going...

Hi there TWP,
You are right on track with exposure and how you have handled this.....
I was in the same place as you 6 months ago,
When I exposed my husband was mad and telling me he was in love with OW and he was leaving me, He wasn't ever happy and he wasn't in Love with me anymore.....
He felt very justified for having an affair because I just wasn't the wife he wanted......
She was also married. I found out from her husband, he exposed their side I exposed my side.....
My husband was devastated when my adult boys found out from me(22 and 20) Their relationship has changed for life now, they barely spoke to him and were in regular contact with me and supported me.........I think he was shocked that they just didn't understand why he had to have an affair......
I told my husband that I never stopped loving him and that divorce was never I something I wanted.....but if his choice was the OW and a new life was what he wanted he was free to leave the family life he had known for 25 years......
I went to the bank, opened my own accounts, got my own credit card and I drew up a separation agreement and we signed it, things were set to go, he just needed to move out.......
I just acted the best I could and just kept telling him I understood his choices and that as long as he had the OW in his life we had nothing to discuss and that he should move out and get on with his choices......
I continued to take care of him and home became a calm and safe place for him to be......we discussed the facts to death and we both understood each other for the first time in years...he never went out at night or the weekends, spent all his time with me....but I told him that didn't change things because he was still with her......his choice, nothing to do with me.......
He was still deep in his fog and fantasy life with her......
Over the next few months, the fog lifted and he asked me to reconsider giving the marriage another chance, he gave me access to all passwords and No Contact has been put in place.....
He now claims he was still in love with me and regrets the whole thing......He has said he is sorry a million times.....and that what he did was purely a selfish act....
The OW's marriage broke up on D-Day and her children have disowned her.....
There was a big price to pay for this selfish act and it has changed 2 families forever......
The point to the story is that even when you think there isn't any hope that there is, he needs time to feel the brunt of what he has chosen to do and to really see the OW for what she is and the real life that they will have.......The fog needs to lift and the vets say it takes about 6 months or so........Hang in there, be the soft place for him to land, tell him you still believe in the man he can be and that you understand the guy you see right now is not the husband you love......
Focus on your kids and yourself for right now.........
He will come around but it takes time.......

Thank you JT. It really helps when I hear the advices and suggestions from you all. I mean other wise I would be in total darkness.

A small update. I made diner last night for fathers day and we are speaking a little bit. I even got a kiss last night and today before he left for work.

I saw his suite case out this AM and asked him if he had spoken to the kids about his leaving and he told me he was not leaving.. He took the luggage out of the closet to reach something...

I told him I did not want him to leave our home and marriage and that I loved him.

Please dont get your hopes up. Im not trying to be a downer but you gotta kill your expectations. I didnt and it killed me.

EXPECT to go to PB. PA RARELY kills the A. He hasnt commited to NC. You say you cant control him so he WILL contact her. He is merely cake eating. It sucks but its true.

Expect your husband to leave you like the [censored] he is. Prepare for it by doing the best PA you can. The ACTIONS you take now will be the last thing he remembers of you when he leaves and YOU go dark.

I KNOW its hard but it really gets easier when you kinda give up a bit. It did for me. It sucks because YES he is draining the love you have for him. Overall its not that bad though since he was draining it at a far greater pace by cake eatting and getting your hopes up every time.

Im so sorry for your situation. I wish I could help you more.

I have not asked for a NC I need to re-read the book and threads.

Hi Quamie (still like the original name!),

Relieved you are out of the hospital but you need to remember that you have to take care that little bundle first.

As long as you are living together Plan B and NC is not viable. Set a date for Plan A to end and stick with it. Don't tell H your date it is for you.

I would also continue to look for contact information for OWH. Good chance he does not know and H just told you that to throw you off. Don't you think that the OWH would have contacted you if he truly knew? Right now the A is probably gone underground and they are keeping away from each other because of the pregnancy. They think they are doing the "noble" thing.

All of this is sleazy but normal. Stay on the right path.

take care of you and your baby. Blessings.

Dang it!! I had all this stuff written out and disappeared!!

Let me try again.

I am doing a plan A and I do have a end date in mind. I can not do another 2-3 months. This has been going on for the past 5 months and I have no desire to go on 2-3 more months.

I do not believe that either of them OW or WH are being nobel. This A has been going on sense before I was preg and the entire time I have been preg. I told the OW of my preg before I knew she was the OW, how ironic is that.

My WH stated that he was done with me and wanted a separation and divorce when I exposed. He and the OW had not been in contact in the last month and he states the A was over.

My issue is that he had not agreed to NC with OW, they still worked together, he was in withdrawal, he still stated that he was confused and did not what he wanted to do, but she and he had agreed that she would back off. Yeah right! I know that it was just a matter of time before they ran back to each other.

My exposure threw them into a panic. Over the past 4 days sense exposure they have spoken for 70 minutes through multiple phone calls. Once exposure was done they ran to each other.

I need some peace and recovery regardless if that means we do recovery together or apart. As I have stated to my WH I want our marriage to work and for him to stay but I WILL NOT continue to participate in this A.

I guess I need to address or readdress my expectations. Perhaps tonight is that night for that.

If you are still in Plan A - NO R TALK. No expectation at all.

Plan A is to show the wayward what they will be missing. Plan A is to remind them of the great life they could have with you. It is not a time of demands.

Did your evening go ok?

We spoke last night. I asked him what his plans where. Long story short, WH stated he was planning to move out still in Aug, he needs some alone time, he is not going to file for a separation nor does he want a divorce.

He stated that he is very hurt by my actions and cant understand why I would go to such lengths.

We talked about sitting the kids down and explaining that he would be moving soon. We talked about finances, and the house we have.

Wh has always and continues to support me, our children and home and has stated that he will continue to do so when he leaves.

After a while when I kept pressing about dates, money for moving, issues with new baby needs, childrens living arrangements and needs he broke down and said he did not know, it was too much he was tired and had not thought that far ahead.

I told him I would stop then and we could re-address the subject at a later time. I am still Plan A and offered diner and we talked about his day and plans for the week for the kids.

I am doing plan A as best I can...I think lol

The insanity of this just keeps getting better. My WH is demanding I retract my exposure to all that I have told. I have ruined her life, she is his friend whom he cares for, I have hurt her future at her school. All I wanted was revenge and he can never forgive me.

This is insane and I think I might need a plan B now not later. I think I really want to leave. I think I really need to run and hide and protect myself from this craziness...

This just gets crazier every day.

These statements are standard

Give him a cookie. These waywards are crazy.

The response is totally to be expected and on script. We all have heard nearly word for word variations to exposure from our wayward spouses.

You don't apologize for exposing, retract, etc. You simply ride it out. It means you hit a homerun with exposure. A good thing. You breathe deep. You do not go to B from the response (scary as it is to see our once team mate in marriage pissed). It is a tantrum at being caught and the fantasy being shook up. That is all.

Plan A.

Breathe deep.

Plan A.

Let the hostility thrown at you roll of your back.

Keep with the plan.

Way to go.

Thank you for your responses. I also re-found the carrot/stick of plan a revisited thread which really helped.

I was panicked thanks for bringing me back from the brink.

Does a separation really make things better in a marriage?

separation? I dont know....but plan B? Maybe...

I know when my husband told me he didn't want any contact with me it hurt, and the fog started to lift some more....the fog started to lift after he exposed my EA on facebook, but once we started plan B....that was the turning point for me to come home and fix our marriage.

Depends on what kind of a separation. A separation on the basis that he needs his "space" or needs to "find himself" is bad. A separation instigated by you through a deep, dark Plan B is not only good but necessary.

ITA with PM.

There ARE risks to separation, thing is, you don't want to live in limboland forever either. Eventually, YOU would get sick of the life you are living and you wouldn't take your WH back at all. Take the best route and for me, I believe that is the route DrH has sent out on this site and in his books. He is a true gift from God.