Hello all.. It is with great sadness that I have to post here.

Thank you in advance for reading as this is a LONG one.

Back ground info.

Married 8 years together 9 years
We have a blended family; His first marriage my 2nd marriage- He has 3 boys ages 14,13,13 I have 1 son 15 and we have 1 son 5yo together and I am due with our first daughter Sept 12,10. In our home is the 14yob, and 13yob (his kids) 15yob(my son) 5yob (ours) and baby on the way.

How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? Im 31 almost 32 he is 35

Do you have any children? How old are they? see above

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you? see above

How did your WS meet their AP? They are co-workers

How long did the A last? I am sure that the affair has been going on for at least 1.5 years at this point.

How did you find out about the A? I confronted him.

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it? Yes and it has been read and I am re-reading it.



Our marriage has been in trouble for the past 3 years or so. We have been drifting apart and fighting a lot but have kept it together for our kids. He works full time in law enforcement and I am a full time student and SAHM who has worked part time for most of our marriage. Currently I am a graduate student in my last year of school.

About a year ago my husband found out about an affair I had and ended long before he found out. When he found out about the affair it had been over and there had been no contact for over 6 months perhaps more. I thought we were on the road to recovery but as time progressed things continued to get worse.

I found out I was pregnant in Dec 09 and it came as a COMPLETE shock. Before that I was pg in Oct and had a miscarriage and I did not tell my husband about the pg nor the miscarriage until they had both happened. Then I was preg in Dec again and to be honest I was devastated. Our marriage was in the tank and I was planning to move out in Feb. I immediately told my hubby of the preg and we moved on. But over the next couple of months my husband began odd behaviors; taking money out of our account $200, 300, 400 at a time and not able nor willing to account for it. He was "working" long hours and not coming home until 8,9,10,11 at night. Then he purchased new clothes and began going out for "me time" and not being able to tell me where he was going or when he would be back.

By Feb 10 I was fed up and I wrote him an email telling him that I suspected he was having an affair, that I had enough and I was not going to tolerate his behavior. He came home that night late and then left again for 3+ hours. While gone he texted me to say he was tired and he thought that he should move out the marriage was over. He told me there was no affair going on, I asked him would he go to counseling. Over the next month we saw a counselor 2 times. By the 3rd visit he admitted to the affair this was March. He told me it was just going on for a little while and that it was not serious.

We went to the 3rd visit with the counselor and he never made an appointment to go to another. April was his 35th birthday and I planned a surprise trip out of town. We left May 31st. The night before we left I went through his phone and found texts message through his Blackberry network from the other woman and him. He had told me that he would not speak with her and have no contact with her, I thought for that past month that he had not. I text the person back and told her to call the phone because she was not listed under a name. When she called back I found out the person he had been having an affair with was a co-worker; his administrative assistant for his office. She is also a student in seminary school (practicing to be a minister), married and has 2 children 17 yo.

I came home and confronted him with the information and demanded the truth. It was at that point that he told me that yes it was her and that they had never stopped talking and that he had been having an affair with her for a year or so. I was DEVASTATED to say the least. I know this woman and she knows me and my family and my children. Her husband works as a volunteer with my husband. We were set to leave on our trip in less then 24 hours, we went and spent the next 4 days talking and reconnecting. My husband stated he loved me and wanted to work through our issues. Our trip had been planned so that he could come back in time to attend a party that his co-workers had planned for him.

The night we came home he left and did not return until the next morning and when confronted he stated that he had been with her for the night, they had spent the night together and had sex. He went on to tell me that he had "feelings" for her and that he was confused and lost. Our marriage had been broken for years and he was planning to move out and h did not know how to come back to our marriage and life because it had been broken for so long.

I asked him to leave or I would he begged for neither of us to leave stated he would work on the relationship and not see her any more.

He orders the book His needs Her needs. I have been reading The 5 Love languages, and I have been trying to fill his love bank. I began to fulfill his needs as I know that I had not been doing so. We are talking and we are working together.

May '10- I have a feeling it is not over. The stress is having a toll on us. We have not gone back to counseling he is depressed and I know it is not over. He tells me in Late April that he has a business trip I ask him who is going. He leaves for his trip and I can not shake the feeling she is with him. I call the office she is not answering her phone by the end of the week I send an email to her office and it states she is out of the office. I text him and ask if she is there and he says yes.

He returns home and states that he did not have sex with her but they have been talking and connecting all week. He has STRONG feelings for her and she states how much she wants to be with him and have a life with him. I am angry and hurt and I explain to him that we can not heal as a couple if he continues in this manner.

I know at this point it is time to finish reading the book. I Draft a letter of Radical honesty and give him access to all my email accounts, and passwords to my phone and computer. He doesn't respond. I begin checking our phone bill and discover that he is still in constant contact with her. He is texting and calling her daily.

May 27th 10-I go into pre-term labor and I am hospitalized for 4 days. They are able to stop the labor but I am placed on strict bed rest and medication for the remainder of my preg. A few days before the pre-term labor I wrote my husband an email and explained that my efforts were not working and that I would be willing to do a separation.

He doesn't respond. I confront him with the past months billing and explain that I can not live like this. He explains to me that he is NOT working on the marriage, he sees the marriage as being broken beyond repair and that he is depressed and overwhelmed and confused. He sees no way to fix our marriage and is not doing anything to help. He is NO longer trying at all. He states he is not seeing Her any longer but he does not know if he wants to be with me.

A few days ago I told him that I was applying to apartments and I am planning to leave the house. He stated that there was no reason for me to leave no and he did not want to leave. Per our phone bill he is not texting our calling her often but they still work together and are speaking as it is almost impossible for them not to as they work together.

I am at a loss trying to work on this has been going on for 4 months, and it seems to not be working. I am not sure where to go from here and I am not sure what else to do. I have tried to find information on her spouse and I have not been able to find anything. His family and mine know about the affair.

Thank you for reading and any suggestions and advice you offer

This affair has to be exposed. Tell OWH, WH parents and his siblings. Also expose at work. WH and OW will never stop this affair because they see each other at work evry day.

Do not warn WH that you will expose if he does not stop the affair. Exposure does not work as a threat.

I am so sorry you are here..

First advise!

DO NOT MOVE OUT!

EXPOSE this A to EVERYONE!! Including, friends, family, co-workers, and the other woman's husband. Affairs thrive on secrecy and once it is out I am sure it will kill it.

Go straight into plan A, no love busters, meet his needs, care for him, love him, but still SNOOP SNOOP SNOOP gathering all the evidence you can from this A.

Buy a VAR for his car, so you can record all of his conversations.

If you really want to salvage this Marriage do not move out!

Again sorry you are here, keep posting, and stay on this forum there is a lot of people with GREAT advise!

I am not sure if expose at work is an option. He could lose his job and that is our only income. As for her spouse I can not find info on him and per the info I have he is abusive towards her. I have tried a few sites to find his info to no use. I do have her phone number but not his.

I did find out her school information and I sent an email to them today. I am not sure how to deal with this any other way. His family, mother , father and only sister are aware of the affair and it has not made this any better. Although per the phone bill they are not talking as much they are still talking, He is more withdrawn from me then ever. I have begun to withdraw from him as well. I am confused and I am not sure how to deal with this. I love my husband but I am not sure how to keep putting myself out there and HURTING when he states that he is NOT vested and NOT working on the marriage with me. What do I do when he says he is NOT working on this marriage with me?

Call the Harleys.
Make an appointment for yourself.
Do not tell your WH about this forum, yet.
Read Scotland's thread for newbies.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Above .... Link to newbie thread.

Dr. Harley recommends that Plan A last 3-4 WEEKS for women, up to 6 months for MEN.

Does this mean that if the woman is having an affair plan A should be 3-4 weeks and if the Man is having an affair 6 months?

My H is the WS.

Thank you I am reading and reading

As for outing I have sent an email today to her School to out her there.

It is not about the WS it is about the gender of the BS(betrayed spouse) that is YOU. Since you are the BS, than you should do a SOLID Plan A for about 3-4 weeks.

You need to expose on both sides of the equation. You need to expose to your WH's friends, family and workplace. The same to OW. This should be done in one fail swoop. It's what is referred to around here as a "Nuclear Exposure."

Do you have a list of people who you will expose to? Do you need help with a letter for exposure? Do you know how you car going to attempt to meet your WH's ENs? What LBs have you committed in the past and how will you avoid them from now on?

If she is in seminary school the school would be a great place to expose at too.

Im so sorry you are here but I will pray for you tonite.

Well I am way past 3-4 weeks. I began doing a SOLID Plan A until about 3 weeks ago. I began Plan A End of March as we left for our trip and ended it 3 weeks ago when he came back from his week long business trip with her.

Dont get too caught up in the timelines. If you have more PA in you then do it. I am trying (and failing prety much) to run a good consistant PA.
I think a good PA is key to and effective PB. You want him to miss you and the new habits when he gets booted out.

What LBs have you committed in the past and how will you avoid them from now on?

Some of our biggest issues are/were
*I was unforgiving
*Harsh
*Argumentative
*lack of Sexual fulfillment
*Agressive
*I gained weight
*My health
*My physical appearance
*lack of house / home maintenance (cleaner house)
*child regulation

We were able to discuss these issues and I began to work in ernest regarding those issues.

He was able to discuss these issues with me as we began plan B. I have been working on my clothing, hair and appearance in general. Weight and health wise as I am preg has been worked in within the parameters of the preg.
I have worked diligently to keep our house more organized and keep our children more "controlled" so that he could come home to peace. He even commented on how great the changes felt.... Then he went on the trip with her and we seem to be back at square 1.

He is depressed, sad, confused, he is NOT trying and sees no way for our marriage to survive. He sees no way for us to heal and get past this because its been broken for so long.

I am not sure if I should go straight to a plan B or if I should go back to plan A?
Because of my health(preterm labor) I can not work and have been placed on disability until this baby is born.

Should I press for him to remove himself from the home at this point?

since you had an a originally, do you think he is doing this out of spite? i'm just a newbie, but it makes sense.

prd

@Yeg thank you for the offer of prayers I need them.

@ Prd, that has crossed my mind ALTHOUGH I believe he has had other affair but I never looked EITHER way I know that discovering my affair was VERY hurtful for him and I do believe that it helped push him to what has happened and has contributed to his VERY angry behaviors toward me.

Okay, I don't understand. You are talking to your WH and living with him right? Then you are NOT in Plan B. Plan B is something that is done after Plan A meets it's end.

Now, as far as why your WH is having his affair, there is only ONE REAL REASON. "WEAK BOUNDARIES." That is why you had your affair and that is why he is having his.

Read the material and work the Plans. Ask questions about anything that you don't understand.

maybe he was just buying some time til he found op. its possible he planned on having an a and leaving you to 'settle the score'. he probably feels entitled since you broke the vows 'first'. idk

prd

It is very possible he feels entitled. It is also very wrong.

I would read every article on this site, as well as the carrot and stick of plan A thread started by Pepperband.

Pale, ALL WS's feel entitled. They all find "reasons" to have an affair. This site explains it so clearly and easily. WSs are 100% responsible for the affair.

so if she determines that is his main reason, then she can use that information to her advantage in the war on the a. she could self-expose to everyone she goes nuclear with and tell them they both had a, his is still active, and she needs his to end to re-commit to the m.

prd

@ Scotland I am not in any plan at this time. I WAS in plan A until he went on his business trip with OW for a week, when I found out about the trip I stopped plan A. At this point I am wondering if I should go back to plan A or move forward to plan B? Does that make sense?

We do live together.

Pale, she should be telling the people that she is exposing to the truth. Her husband is having an affair and she would like their help to try to save her marriage. She can tell people that she has done things in the past that she is now aware of and willing to fix to create a marvelous marriage. None of this is a lie. She is not exposing to hurt her WH she would be exposing to kill the affair.

Quamie, you would not go into Plan B without doing a SOLID and SPECTACULAR Plan A for about 3-4 weeks. Do you have that in you?

Also, you would need to be completely DARK. No contact except through your IM. Your WH would have to leave or you would move out with your children.

So, are you up to this? Can you do both the carrot and stick part of Plan A and then move into a dark as night Plan B?

I can do a Plan A again.

Plan B will be possible as my children are out of school next week making this all so much easier. We can leave and stay with my mother for a while but I would much prefer for him to leave and then I could work no finding my own apartment. I have a strong desire to have some control again over my life and I really want to do that BEFORE this baby is born.

When I transitioned into Plan B, I packed all of my WH's things and had them on the porch. He came home from work and I told him that he needed to go. After about 30 minutes of discussion, he finally said, "So. I guess this is it?" and he left. This coming Friday, it will be 6 months since he left. There have been 2 times in that timeframe when I have seen my WH. Other than that, any communication is done through our IM.

6 months huh?

How much longer for you?

I have an end date in mind but I have stated that I will not tell anyone. I reserve the right to change my mind. It's not like I am planning on dating ever again so if I go longer than the 2 year mark, it will be up to me. I know that DrH suggests 2 years. After that, the chance of marital recovery goes WAY down.

t/j over

Do you feel your financial situation will remain the same if he leaves you for the OW and still keeps his job? Because that's your alternative.

Your H may be setting himself up for a sexual harrassment lawsuit - what is their work relationship? Is she a subordinate of his? Are their job positions equal?

Hi Quamie,
I'm very sorry you are here. However, this is the best place to get advice.

We actually have quite a bit in common. My FWH and I are both in our early 30's. Both of us had an A. Mine was first. And like your H, my FWH thought that the M was too broken to fix. And to be honest, we had spent years and years really making a mess of our relationship.

I will say that I truly believe that you can save your M. However, it will be a long and hard road. And you have to decide whether you have it in you to go down that road. Especially since you have both had an A and probably like us, have done little to set up a protective and wonderful M.

I agree with everyone that you really need to kill your H's A first. I know you said that the OWH is abusive, but let me tell you that my OW said the exact same thing! And the fact of that matter is that even if he is abusive, you did not make this choice. I know that sounds cold hearted, but she made the choice to betray her H, not you. Someone on here has one of Jenny Sanford's quotes that goes something like, "you can choose the sin, but not the consequence". I really believe that. She chose to cheat on her H and her consequence is not your responsibility. Some people may argue with me on this, but my OW said the same thing in hopes that I wouldn't rat her out. Understand that most OW or OM will say anything to not be told on. Mine tried to guilt me with not only an abusive H, but also a child with special needs. Fact of the matter is that if she cared so much, she wouldn't have cheated.

If you have a strong Plan A in you, then I fully encourage you to do that. If for no other reason, than to not let that OW get what she wants. Even if you decide in the end not to be with him, don't let her come in and mess up your family. Plan A will be hard, but think of what you want in the long term. Whenever plan A got hard for me, I would think about what I really wanted and made myself work toward that goal.

I hope this helps a little. I wish you all the best.

Txnatheart

[quote=txnatheart]Hi Quamie,
I'm very sorry you are here. However, this is the best place to get advice.

We actually have quite a bit in common. My FWH and I are both in our early 30's. Both of us had an A. Mine was first. And like your H, my FWH thought that the M was too broken to fix. And to be honest, we had spent years and years really making a mess of our relationship.

I will say that I truly believe that you can save your M. However, it will be a long and hard road. And you have to decide whether you have it in you to go down that road. Especially since you have both had an A and probably like us, have done little to set up a protective and wonderful M.

I agree with everyone that you really need to kill your H's A first. I know you said that the OWH is abusive, but let me tell you that my OW said the exact same thing! And the fact of that matter is that even if he is abusive, you did not make this choice. I know that sounds cold hearted, but she made the choice to betray her H, n

He is above her in status at work. I have worried about a harassment suite at this point it feels like anything is possible. As for finances I am not overly worried about them he has provided and I feel he will continue to do so. He is not that type of man to leave his children high and dry. I think that is one of the main reasons he has not left at our hardest times even before the affair.

@Txnatheart

After visiting this site I have a renewed sense of being able to do a plan A. I began again last night. I feel a sense of hope again.

I have not found contact info on OWH but I am still looking. I do not care about the fall out as this is not my issue

If they are still working together...the chances are that the A is still going on, sorry their feelings for each other will ignite every time they see each other, and they will constantly deposit $$ in each other's LB.

If you have all the evidence of the A, then you should worry about a harassment suite, or if you are worried I would go talk to a lawyer and see what you can do.

Otherwise if they are still working together, and you haven't exposed this to EVERYONE, then the A will still go on, or he will find ANOTHER A. That is exactly what I did, after my first EA wheels didn't expose, two months later, I found another EA#2.

Your choice

Sorry you are here

So are you saying that PA is not an option?

Quamie, Please listen to these MB veterans here.

expose, expose, expose.

You said that you had an A. When it was exposed and your H found out and others -- how did you feel?? Bet it broke up your A quick.

That is what you want to do. If the OWH volunteered with your H you must have an idea of where they live? Go to their house when OW is not home if you have to. The OWH will be your advocate in this.

My XWH had an A with his direct report and since I waited so long to expose, he only got demoted and both work together and are planning an Affairage in Oct. I worked at the same place on top of this.

I know you are fearful of your H losing his job. I would rather have my XH working at a grocery store and have saved my M.

Right now your H is providing for you. That is what my XH did at the beginning, but when these OW influence their every thought -- all of that will change and you will no longer recognize your H.

Please listen to this board. Blessings.

Not to make excuses at all but my affair had long ended by the time my spouse found out. Although I felt awful due to the exposure I had long ended the affair I just had never confessed.

I got to her FB and copied all her friends and I found the letter on this site for FB friends exposure.. I AM TERRIFIED is this really the right thing to do!! HELP please because once I do this there is NO going back... I am 7 months preg and we have 5 kids between us... OMgoodness I am panicking

You are 7 months pregnant - YES! It is the RIGHT thing to do!!! I wish I would have (and would have had the affair been physical). Preserve your family. Who CARES how the OW feels! She should be kicked out of her seminary school!!

do it now. The a will be over by sundown most likely.

prd

Wait. You WILL EXPOSE, you just need this to NOT be a trickle exposure. You need this to be done all at once. There needs to be a TSUNAMI.

You said your family knows and your friends know. Do your children know? When you exposed to everyone else, did you ask for their help too? You need to try to do it calmly, and make it CLEAR that you are NOT doing this to be hurtful. You are doing what is best for your marriage. You could even say that a marriage counseling professional told you to do this as the first step in saving your marriage. It is NOT a LIE. You have read DrH's material and the first thing he tells you to do is expose the affair. DO NOT tell anyone about this site that may tell your WH. He should NOT know about this site.

So are you ready to start exposing? Do you have your list ready? Is OWH's on that list? He needs to be at the top along with her family(parents, siblings, etc).

This is exactly why you should expose... A seminary student? This A needs to be exposed to the light and show the OW true colors. Maybe you should post the letter you are going to use before sending it out. Just think about how people will perceive the OW with you at home pregnant and 5 kids between you. She will not garner much sympathy.

Do not panic, breathe...you are trying to save your M.

As long as your H is working with OW they will continue their A. Can your H change departments and locations? He or she needs to get out of there.

The most important is exposing to OWH. That is your main target.

Quamie,

I am going back to your first post if you don't mind. I see in it the seeds for a path to recover as well as, some big misconceptions on your part.

You said the No contact is when the affair ended and it has NOT BEEN A LONG TIME since it was over. You need to realize that since you and he did nothing to recover from your affair he was/is ripe for having an affair and he is.

You also said This makes plan B very difficult. You cannot leave with his kids, so are you just taking yours or all of them?

You also said

It is clear that your affair isn't the only thing you have not been honest about with your H. I read all of this and wonder why he would NOT be having an affair. You set him up perfectly. You have an affair and finally go to NC 6 months or so after he finds out. You are working part time, going to grad. school, and taking care of the kids AND having an affair, that doesn't leave much time for your H in your life does it?

And you also had a pregnancy and a miscarriage he knew nothing about right? Oh! and you get pregnant again, but were planning to leave him in Feb. but stayed because you were pregnant, not because you loved him.

Now you find out he is having an affair...surprise. Anyone surprised at this???? I'm not.

Please, please read Harley's articles on meeting needs, please read about love busters, and please read about the policies of radical honesty and policy of joint agreement, POJA.

His affair is not right, and should be ended of that there is no doubt. But, you need to ask yourself, as you read what I have posted from your opening post much less what has been said later, why would he want to come back to me???

You have not been in his life for a long time, and therefore it is no wonder that this marriage was and is in big trouble. But, the mistakes have been so egregious that actually there is a good chance to repair this marriage.

I would say that pointing fingers at him is not going to be a productive approach as he is very likely less invested in this marriage than you and it would appear you only want him because you are pregnant. Not a compelling reason for him to feel loved, wanted, or even needed. And interestingly, the needed part is probably bigger for him than you realize.

Please think about this. Please read the articles, and please realize that plan A and plan B are very powerful but only if you have a goal and plan in mind. They just address the affair, they do not address recovery and if he sees no hope of things being better, then there is less hope of a good marriage. It is very possible, but you need to lead him home, not drag him home.

God Bless,

JL

Ok I am doing it.. please pray for me and my family. When the [censored] hits the fan please tell me what I am to say to him and his anger!? I am angry and I dont want to say the wrong thing

First of all for exposing



"I am fighting for my marriage. I am fighting for my family"

Repeat it like your a broken record. You don't need to say anything else.
for you and your family

I should clarify. I had ended the affair 6months BEFORE he found out and had NO contact with the OM at all. It was over well before he found out which was over a year ago. Which to clarify means I have not had contact with the OM in any way shape or form for almost 2 years at this point.

I DO understand my horrible position/part in this mess and I have stated as such in my other posts and will never deny my part. I am as much at fault as my husband is. I did NOT want to be preg at this time due to the fact that our marriage was in the tank and had been for a LONG time. I KNEW that.

WE have neglected each other for years. WE as a couple have allowed each of us to fall into affairs. My husband has had issues with internet issues and persons and questionable behaviors well before my affair. THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE it is just a fact. NEITHER of us are angles we have over and over agin contributed to the place we are in. I have always loved my husband and still do. I have stayed in this marriage BEFORE I had an affair for many years even though we were in trouble.

I did not have the maturity nor the tools in the past to help heal my marriage. Once I got preg HIS affair was at its hight and I had no idea. It had been going on for 6months or more at that time. I had LONG given up and I really did not care. For years I have been in counseling and he refused to go, I have been on medications, I have been to my church and begged my husband to be a part of recovery. He never tried. We have been together for 9years married for 8.

I have neglected my duties as a wife because to be honest I had checked out a LONG time ago as I felt there was no hope, we both have. That doesn't mean I don't and did not love my husband but after a while I got tired of giving only to be taken advantage of.

As for my first preg I did not tell him because I didn't want him to feel trapped into stay and neither did I want to feel trapped into staying.

I was planning on leaving I felt there was NOTHING left he refused counseling and he refused church and any other help. I prayed to GOD to please give me an answer and guide me. I stated that if I was to stay in this marriage that GOD give me an answer that I could not misunderstand as I felt like I was at my breaking.

I found myself preg and I threw myself into reading and trying to be a better wife, mother, and friend. But he was deep into his affair and I felt a HUGE amount of guilt. SO for the last 4+ months I have taken the blame and been the bad guy. I have given and worked very hard on MY faults and my short comings. I have worked to show my husband my love and affection and tried diligently to fill his LB and provide for his needs. I read the book and I have been working plan A until 3 weeks ago when he went on a business trip for a week with the OW and lied to me about it.

As I have stated I DO agree that my behaviors have been egregious and I do not in any way deny that. There has been no healing from my affair as he WOULD NOT participate in that healing. I am not sure if what you are saying is there is NO hope or there is.

Should I sill proceed with exposure or not at this point?

I dont have the information on OWH I have looked and payed to get a search NOTHING. At this point I only have her FB friends to expose to.

As for job he is in a position that he is contracted to for at least another year. Should would have to leave as she is a admin but of course she has no motivation to leave as she has the best of it all, MY husband and a great paying job

ok, lets put aside all your screw ups(and they are numerous), lets expose and kill his current a, then we can all talk about the past and what went wrong so you two can rebuild.

expose everyone now!

prd

There is a HUGE problem with exposing right this very second and that is that it is supposed to be NUCLEAR and one KEY person is still missing, OWH. Also, I believe that Quamie is not willing to expose to the workplace at this time. That would be a HUGE mistake. This can't be trickle exposure. If it is done where only OW's FB friends are told, it is going to have a reverse effect in that it will look like Quamie is only trying to hurt OW. Then OW and WH are going to gain strength in their US vs BW fight. All I am suggesting is to take 12 hours and figure this ALL out and get some real help with how to expose properly and to whom and then DO IT.

Pale, again, why don't you start your own thread and let us know who YOU are?

Here is my letter is this good enough? Should I add anything take anything out?


Dear friend of ***,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that *** is having an affair with my husband, ***. They have been having this affair for well over a year according to the evidence, but I have just become away of ** being the person he was having the affair with on March 31, 2010. My husband has confessed to the affair and * is aware that I know about the affair. Despite her being aware of my knowledge of the affair she has continued to participate in an emotional, sexual, and physical affair with my husband. We have been married for 8 years and have 5 children, aged 5, 13, 13,14, 15 and I am currently in my 7th month of pregnancy.

I would be happy to provide the evidence of their affair through our cell phone records and text messages to anyone who asks.

I am asking that you use your influence with *** to persuade her to discontinue this affair as I have done what I can and despite my efforts the affair has continued. It is with great regret that I send this information to you all but I am fighting for my marriage and I am fighting for my family.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her husband and ask him to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, **

Quamie, this is the key here. Get the OWH's information and get prepared. Is she on facebook? Is her husband on there?

I would also plan on exposing at work. If you expose it at work, it is likely that one of them will quit. And you have NO HOPE if they still work at the same company. None.

Get the OWH's information FIRST and then expose all in one fell swoop.

Perfect letter! Be sure and copy of her facebook contacts into a word doc before she deletes her account. And when you do the exposure on facebook, don't too many in a row becuase they will shut oyu down.

Scotland I understand what you are saying, I can send an email to his HR I guess I am not sure to whom else to send the info. I am not sure HOW to find her spouses contact info. I have a mailing address but I do not know if it is current. He is not on fb and I dont have a phn number to reach him either.

I can wait because I do not have that info. I can contact his job I am in a panick but I want this to end! and at this time neither of them have a reason to as they feel safe.

I have copied them all today.

It is VITAL that you get in contact with OWH. He NEEDS to know what his WW and your WH are doing to his marriage.

Also, I would send a HARD copy letter to the workplace and make sure that you send it to more than just HR. It should be CC'd so the people know that others know.

Also, do your children know?

BTW, I don't know if you have read all of the info yet, but he will be ANGRY. SPITTING NAILS, exorcist spinning head ANGRY. When he gets angry, you will say, "I will do anything to save our marriage."

you can bet owh will find out in a millisecond after the nuclear fb exposure rest assured.

prd

There is NO guarantees on that Pale

Quamie, when you expose, you should make sure that if anyone says, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone." You say, "No, please tell everyone. You should even talk to WH about how what he is doing is very wrong."

my friend, the odds of all her friends on fb having no loyalty towards her bh is so close to zero it is incalcuable.

prd

I found their WH and OW Supervisors info email, phone and fax. Should I call or email him instead of HR? If I send a hard copy should I wait a few days for it to arrive before I hit FB. I am still at a loss for OWH...

@Scotland I did read that I should expect him to be furious and I should tell people to not hide the issue.

The problem with hanging hopes on her OWH finding out this way is that the TRUTH won't get out there. There is going to be such a spin and many of the people are going to be OW's friends. There are BOAT LOADS of enabling friends and people who think that "you should do whatever makes you happy." The only way to KNOW that the OWH is told, is to do it herself.

You should write a hard copy to HR, the supervisor, the president, the Vice-president and the legal department. Make sure that you CC the letters so they all know that the others received the letter as well.

You have her friends, but what about your friends? his friends? family? Pastor at your church?

You need to let EVERYONE KNOW! I wouldn't wait either, if you know where he works, write the letter and send it to him PERSONALLY!

Are you prepared for your plan A after this exposure? That is your next focus!

SR, I only suggested that Quamie wait until she has ALL of the contact info for EVERYONE. Sometimes that takes a few hours. There is no harm in waiting 12 hours to get this done. Lists written, letters typed, etc. You need to be prepared when you go into war and this is the first volley in this war. Prepare for the fight and you won't be caught off guard. The ONLY regrets I have about my exposure was that it wasn't done as NUCLEAR as it should have been and that it wasn't wide enough.

I agree with Scotland. I am waiting and I am going to keep digging for the OWH info... I need prayers and a stroke of luck

they'll attempt spin regardless. i would go nuclear right away!

prd

prd,
Nuclear = everybody at the same time..including OWH...

How to you suggest a nuclear exposure with KEY players missing?

You never know where that stroke of luck will come from. POSOW in my case is single so I was looking for her family. She had such high privacy settings on her FB that I couldn't even find her profile. Then some time in early December, FB changed their privacy settings. POSOW didn't change hers and her FB profile was OPEN for me for a couple of hours. I got all of the messages out to her family. I didn't copy her friends list though and when she shut her FB page again, I did all that I could. I still am not SURE if her parents know. That KILLS me, 6 months later. I don't want this for Quamie.

Quamie, you NEED to expose, just do it correctly. It will have a GREATER effect if done properly.

sorry, i'm a newbie. what is posow? i dont get it.

Piece of Sh*^ Other woman.

piece of excrement other woman

edit

Can we discuss matters about Quamie on her thread please? I have my own thread titled "ummmmmm I installed a keylogger....." if you have any questions about me and my sitch.

Quamie,

Some suggestions to track down OWH...

go to the whitepages and do a "reverse lookup" looking up the address. it usually lists everyone that lives in the house and their age.

If you find out the OWH is at that address, go there and either knock at the door or hand him the letter.

Get a friend to follow her and see where her address is.

Hopefully one of her "friends" will give you that information.

Try this site. www.pipl.com. You put in a name and it will tell you all the social websites this person goes to and it is a free service.

Blessings

Quamie,

Some suggestions to track down OWH...

go to the whitepages and do a "reverse lookup" looking up the address. it usually lists everyone that lives in the house and their age.

If you find out the OWH is at that address, go there and either knock at the door or hand him the letter.

Get a friend to follow her and see where her address is.

Hopefully one of her "friends" will give you that information.

Try this site. www.pipl.com. You put in a name and it will tell you all the social websites this person goes to and it is a free service.

Blessings

you trying to get your post count up Hope??

Q, does OW have children? I found out the STBXH's name by finding out what the kids surname was.

They have children yes I know their names as well as the OWH name. I have an address I am not sure if it is current as she stated she had moved in Feb when we last spoke before I knew she was the OW. I will take a look at the revers look up thing as well. I can have a friend drive by. I have thought of sending a letter addressed to him but then it would have to be forwarded to the new address if they have moved. But that is my only thought at this point to send a letter and hope that he receives it.

I would send a letter certified so he HAS to sign it. Insist on ID. Then ask the OWH to contact you ASAP. Don't give all of the info in the letter so he WILL call you. That's all I have on this part. Thoughts vets?

go all out nuclear right now. her bh comes second to ending the a and saving her m. she cant worry about owh primarily. he is a secondary consideration.

prd

And what is going to make OW not want to contact her WH anymore? Is the point of exposure not to put pressure on the affair? Where would the greatest pressure come from? OW's family(including HUSBAND), workplace and OW's friends are the BIGGEST targets on OW's side.

I was advising her on ways to ensure that OWH got the letter. I am trying to help her get what she wants. OWH should be one of the first people on the list. He could become a real ally in this fight against the affair.

JMHO

Quamie, update any word on exposure...bump

Update is that at this point I have not exposed as I am still trying to work on the OWH angel! I have everyone else but him... I am in a tight spot as he is not on any social networking, I dont want to send a letter I want to get it done, I have no phone number.

did you try the online background pay for use services? A PI would be able to get the info fairly easy for you too.

I forgot, do you have the OW name?

I hired a PI, all I had was the OP first & last name and city. The PI gave me about 15 pages of info filled with current address, phone number, driver license and car info, known family and associates and phone and address info for them. My PI charged me $60.00 and had it for me the next day.

Call a PI and ask for all the public info of the OW, and you need it yesterday.

precious time is going by. you made a noble effort to notify owh first, but i would go nuclear now with what you have.

prd

Quamie,
I am confused about why you can't contact OWH. You all know each other and you state he volunteer's with your husband. Where do they volunteer?

I would talk to some Marriage Builders vets and make a plan for when and how to expose. Aim before you fire.

Quamie has already stated that she wants to find OWH FIRST and then EXPOSE. This is her PLAN. Coming up with ideas on how to expose to OWH.

Quamie, again did you try the the link I gave you to find info on the OWH.

Shoot give us his name and hers offline and I bet one of us can "get the scoop" on him for you.

Time is ticking by and you are pregnant. You don't need the stress of this additional wait. We can be a resource too.

I have tried the sights and it gives me HER email as his and I already have that. OWH did volunteer with my WH but the season is over now and WH keeps his phone close and has changed the password so I cant get it that way.

I am currently on strict bed-rest due to preterm labor so my options are really limited on how much activity I can do which means I am in bed or on a couch MOST of my days.

As for PI I can not do that right now due to my "money" is tied up due to my lack of working as I am on bed rest... I dont want WH to see the charges and ask what they are for before I can act.

That sucks, Q. I was on bedrest with my son when my H was having an EA and it was a very, very stressful, hopeless time in my life. I am very sorry you are going through this during a time of your life that is supposed to be filled with joy and togetherness. If you ever want to talk...

Its very hard and the stress on me has landed me on bed rest. This is my 3rd child and the hardest preg yet. I am scared out of my mind of exposure but I dont know what else to do. For now he is not talking to her much that I can see on the phone bill but they work together and I know that in time it will just bloom again. I just want this limbo to STOP.

My H worked with the OW, too. Being on bedrest (due to the stress of what he was doing in the first place) obviously made it really hard to meet his needs, and it really sucked that he was allowing someone else to meet those needs (I am thankful I was able to find out and stop before she had a chance to meet the SF need) when there was not a whole lot I could do about it. It takes a pretty selfish man to do that to a pregnant wife. You have a long road ahead of you, and I wish you all the best once this gets out in the open, so you can recover.

Gdar did you ever expose?

If it had been a PA, hell yes, I would have.

My friends/family know (his mom could care less, she would probably have been thrilled and hoped I would leave him), the OW knows I know. She left her H, so exposure there, I have no idea if he left because of it, because I believe she left him in the first place.

As far as a full MB exposure? No.

I called WH OW HR and supervisor anonymous and stated that my spouse was having an affair with a co-worker what was my course of action. The HR told me to call immediate supervisor which I did.

when I called him Supervisor and gave basic info not my name or WH name he gave me another number to call. No one answered I will call back.

Its started! I called job! Off to Fb Im am SOOO scared!

You can do this, Q. Stay strong. But please, if this is causing you too much physical stress for you and the baby, take a break. Regroup. Relax. Drink some tea. Have one of the teens take care of the 5 yr old so you can get rest.

The good thing is the 5yo is with my mom this week. I have been on bed rest for almost 2 weeks so that was taken care of then, thank you for the concern.

Hi Quamie, what about OWH? Any luck with that.

I wish you a great exposure that will implode this.

YES!! make this exposure NUCLEAR!

Good luck

No info on OWH but I felt that this was the time this was it. I am so scared of the fall out so please send me info on what to say or do.

Wh sent me a text he said "I cant fu** believe you... Its happened... What do I do?What do I say?

stay calm! no AO, no LB, just keep saying "I love you and I'm trying to save my M"

Nothing else, just smile, and wait till it is ALL out of his system.

Good luck

WH stated he doesn't respond well to threats, I am vindictive, and how could I do this to his career. It wasn't the offices business and no one knew. He is done with me and us. The affair is NOT over and this only made it worse. Why would I bring other people into our business, why would I do this. He is taking no blame for this as this was my choice and I should not have done what I did.... All those things and then he hung up on me... Omgoodness... I am so scared.

you just rocked his fantasy world. dont worry. he can gripe all he wants. dont you feel strong now? like you are taking control of this cyclone?

prd

Exposure is very effective in pushing the affair into the light. Making others see it.

It will HELP! You just won't see it for now. Do not respond to his venom, you are pregnant, and don't need the stress.

This is "our" business, is it?

This is something he started. He brought a POSOW into your marriage. While you were pregnant.

This is his vile behavior. If you ever feel bad for exposing, just remember. This was HIS fault.

He is doing what the threads and books say. Threading to leave, stating I hurt and betrayed him, ruined his career. Made the situation worse, pushed him into her arms just when it was getting better.

He is just mad. This is just venom. This is normal. Stay the course, and you will be fine.

He is threatening to quit his job due to my exposure. This is all my fault and how could I betray him... This is soooo hard

Can I change my user name?

YOU hurt and betrayed HIM!??!?!??

<------your WH

Yes you can, I'm not sure how though.

no worries. he'll be crying and begging for your forgiveness.

prd

Email any of the mods and make a request.

Scroll down the page, there is a list of mods at the bottom.
Click any name to get the info.

I clikced on the notify for my post is that good enough?

You need to become a broken record. You will say, "I will do whatever it takes to save OUR marriage, would you like a cookie?" DO NOT ENGAGE. DO NOT LB. You have a DIRECT HIT. That is GREAT NEWS FOR YOU. If your husband starts to yell or become verbally abusive, you will tell him that you will talk to him when he is able to talk to you about this more calmly.

Don't forget to still look for OWH. Did you give any thought into sending a registered letter that needs a signature and ID? You can MAKE SURE that OWH gets it. What he does with the info, isn't your concern. You just need to BLOW THIS AFFAIR OUT OF THE WATER.

Remember, breath, relax, don't LB, don't engage and say, "I will do what I have to to save OUR marriage, would you like a chip?"

WH was texting me and I was responding as has been stated. With phrases I am not trying to hurt you or anyone else. I am trying to save our marriage and family, I am not trying to sabotage your job or career , I am not trying to push you away, I didn't do anything but tell the truth in an effort to save our marriage and family. And on and on until he stopped talking to me.

He has stated that he will be moving in with his mother and quitting his job. he cant live with a person who would do something like this to him.

I just ignored that last part and responded with something in the above paragraph.

As for the letter to OWH I am getting responses from the other notes I sent out, But nothing in regards to him directly.

Things are going well.

Quitting his job and moving in with his MOM?

I apologize. That was....strangely amusing.

he already has been told. predicted here.

prd

And you know this because you ARE OWH? You CAN'T know this for sure. Even if he HAS been told, he can be a useful ALLY to Quamie.

Quamie, you should still find OWH to ENSURE that he KNOWS. He could become a useful ally in your fight against this affair.


Maybe this one should be put in the craziest things....thread. This one is a GEM.

Quamie, you have done so WELL. Let him spew and spit. Think of him like a 2 year old throwing the biggest tantrum in the UNIVERSE.

Thank you SOOO much I don't know what I would do in this situation without y'alls support. Because I feel so confused and scared. Wondering if I did the right thing. But one thing is for sure no matter where the chips fall I know I did what I could.

Wh just text stating he is not coming home and will be getting a room. IDK what to say.

he will be crying in your lap within days.

prd

Q, please try and stay calm for your little bean, ok?

He did this to YOU, not the other way around. The AFFAIR jeapordizes his job, NOT YOU. His actions caused ALL OF THIS, NOT YOU. Keep repeating this to yourself over and over and over.

I went through similar b.s. with my H when the only thing he seemed to give a sh*t about saving was his career and his own a$$.

Hi there,
You have done the right thing and he is responding just like you want him to, he is now embarrassed by his own actions.....He doesn't want people to actually think he is the kind of guy who would have an affair while his wife was pregnant.....no one thinks that kind of man is worth anything....When he wakes up from all his anger in a couple of days he will realize he is the one that started this mess and that you are only trying to save your marriage and family......
Tell him when he is ready to give up the OW and truly commit to working on your marriage that you will be more than willing....
Tell him you love him and still think he is worth saving, tell him you understand that you are both to blame for the marriage breakdown but you are not in any way responsible for the affair, that is a choice he has made all on his own....
Don't contact him, let him come to you and he will when he has time to process all that has happened. Use the next few days to look after yourself and stay close to family and friends for support...
good luck and keep us posted.

Don't engage. Don't reply to that - it is a threat.

Bingo! Worried more about a reputation HE HAS CREATED for himself and not his pregnant wife. He can kiss his own behind - YOU did the right thing!

I just said ok he responded with I am so hurt right now.

but having an affair while your wife is pregnant (or any other time) is not hurtful? Gah. I want to beat him up!

don't worry about what he feels at this point, you want him to feel the brunt of his actions.....This wakes WS from the affair fog and makes that fantasy a not so great reality........Don't respond or contact him for now......

I could not find this going back through the thread - so they are BOTH exposed at their place of work, correct?

Your response:
And I'm prego with your baby on bed rest! What do you want for breakfast when you get home in the morning?

I don't know if this is the right way to respond...woe is him!!!

Quamie,

I don't post much, but I wanted to say "BRAVO!" on your exposure! Not only will it kill the affair, but it will do wonders for healing your marriage. I did not expose, and even though we are recovered, it haunts my husband to this day. If I had exposed, he wouldn't have to wonder if those around him truly love him for him.

The truth really does set us free! Way to go!

Yes they have both been exposed

Thank you Anointed because it feels so hard even after reading and looking through the boards. I KNEW this could happen but it is SO hurtful when it does.

NO concern for me as his preg wife as his wife for 8 years! Its all about HIM, his feelings, how I hurt him, how I have damaged his job, how he cant live with a person who would do this to him. It feels like a horrible NIGHTMARE! He feels like the alien you all speak of and has for MONTHS and more.

So just say nothing anymore? Ok I will ignore his texts.. That is not a LB. I am so confused and weary. This is STRESSFUL.. Thank you ALL for letting me vent and run here for support and advice.

I checked his email he is looking for apartments/ housing and has enlisted his sister and family.

you did the right thing. its still early in the process.

prd

He called the OW I cant see the text but he called her at 5pm.. This is just awful

everything is ok. you have just blown their life up. they are probably in a big fight right now, blaming each other for the a. her bh probably knows now or will shortly.

prd

OMG...

this is so like reading my thread its just crazy eerie...

GOOD JOB ON EXPOSURE!

I was where you are right now, exactly 2 weeks and 4 days ago.

Exposure is the RIGHT THING!!

You did NOTHING WRONG! You just told people what was happening. If they were so worried about what other people thought about what they were doing, they shouldnt have been doing it.

It took my WW weeks, sessions with Jennifer, and lots of UA time just to tell me that she was stupid for having an A, and that it was wrong. She still is mad about exposure.

It takes time to come out of the fog.

Exposure destroys the fantasy world. If your WH goes to OW right now, its not that neat for you, but remember, this whole time is going to be lots of LBs between them.

These guys are right on this board... make SURE that OWH knows and start talking to him. Coordinate efforts.

Start getting your Plan B ready right now, hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Start looking into taking over the bank stuff, phone, internet and other bills, talk to a lawyer, write a Plan B letter and post it on here so the smart people can screen it for you.

Get everything in place so you can Plan B at the drop of a dime.

This helps a LOT for being able to maintain Plan A. Knowing you have the power to end the abuse and protect yourself with Plan B at any time makes you feel safe and secure, and Plan A doesnt seem so hard with that security in place.

Lots of good info around here on your Plan A and things to say in response to his verbal abuse.

"I love our family, it is here for you when you are ready to commit to it again." - worked wonders for me. Broken record... over and over.

Pulling for you, hang in there. I know it probably seems impossible... but

try to eat something. I lost about 13 pounds the first week and a half after D-day. It is not a good way to do it. Try real hard to eat something. Take care of yourself.

hi there,
hope you got some sleep last night I remember the first few days myself, don't worry about what he doing or who he is talking to.
if he says anything just keep saying that you love him and you are trying to save your marriage....
protect yourself as much as possible, take care of the financial stuff, the day I went to the bank after 26 years of marriage was tough, but I opened my own accounts, set up a line of credit for myself and opened a new credit card of my own.....
i told my husband that I didn't choose any of this but had to take care of myself since he seemed to be looking after someone else.....
i think he actually was scared when he saw me move into action.......
i just kept telling him I loved him and I wanted him to be happy......all of a sudden he didn't think his new life with his new friend living away from me and his family seemed like such a great idea.....
Plan A my [censored] off for 2 months and gave him a date to be out of the house since this is what he had decided this is what he wanted for his life......
You must focus on the big picture like I did, I thought my husband was going to be gone for good as well, he told me he loved her and not me, guess what it wasn't really true.........don't worry about the now for the time being......let it run it's course a little, stay with the plan and don't love bust in anyway, just keep telling him you love him and that you will stand behind the man you love....
let him live through all the emotions he is going to feel.......he will realize what a mess he has made of his life and re-think why all this is happening....

Yes Quamie -- This will pass..too

After probably a restless night you probably have woke up doubting your actions. DO NOT.

You are a warrior in the battle for your marriage. This is not easy stuff. Your H is not capable right now. You need to think of him as an alcoholic. He wakes up with all good intentions then comes in the path of the OW and boom, like an alcoholic picks up that glass of toxic poison.

You were an enabler in his A by being complacent and now that you have pulled the spokes out of the wheel he is in for a bumpy ride and not liking it.

He very well might take his toys and run away to "prove" you were so mean to him. You have exposed his sleaziness to the light and he is not liking it and for the OW in seminary school -- I can only imagine.

Maybe this will put her on the right path to God instead of play acting it. How will it look to her Christian friends that she is having an A with a man who has 5 kids and one on the way.

For your H he is exposed to his own actions. He is not liking it that you have rocked HIS world.

Just try and stay calm. Breathe. Do not argue, cry or plead. Just calming keep saying I love you and our family. No explanation.

Prayers to you and your little family.

Thank you all. You hit it right on the head. I did not rest instead I am back in the hospital in labor again hoping they can stop it.

I am questioning my decision,, If I could have done this a better way,, should I have done this... Did I make the right choice.

But its DONE and there is no turning back.. I will continue to move forward and know that GOD has a plan.

What you did was the ONLY way!

and

YES you did make the RIGHT CHOICE!

God says all lies and deceiptful acts are always exposed! always!

prd

UGH! I want to give you a huge hug right now!! Going back and forth to the hospital like this is so stressful on you and the baby - I know, I spent 2 of 4 pregnancies like that. How are you feeling today?

Prayers to you and the health of your baby.

Where is H in all of this? Did he go to the hospital?

I know it must be intolerable in your situation but just take this time for YOU. He is a wayward and everything that will spew from his mouth will be toxic.

Please know as you are resting they are running around like chickens without their heads, they are trying to do damange control and there is nowhere to hide.

Is anyone with you at the hospital? Any MBers in her area???

No one should be alone at a time like this. Do you have family around?

Blessings.

bump for group prayer for quamie and her child. please Lord, protect quamie and her child. please put a hedge of protection around them.

prd

I am worried about her. She was able to post while at the hospital, but that was a while ago... I hope that baby is still baking!!!

how far along is she? her husband is a total jacka and will be lucky if he doesnt take his own life over this.

prd

Hey all. I am with laptop so I am able to post! THANK YOU so much for prayers and words of encouragement.

I am surround by wonderful and supportive family and friends. This is HARD but this is NOT impossible. My friend just left from visiting.

He did not come home last night but told me he would be at a hotel. Then he text good night I did not respond.

I went to hospital and sent text to all family WH included that I had arrived and would update as changes happened.

WH text at 530am
I gave update
He has checked in several times
He is very upset and depressed of course, I have continued my FB messages to OW friends list today.

I have gotten some responses, some ugly some supportive it was expected.

I am and will continue to be in the hospital until our daughter is born. We hope to make it 2 weeks we are praying for 4 weeks.

WE will make it but thank you for ALL the support because without this I dont know where I would be!

stay strong!

prd

Quamie, I admire your strength.

Here you are in bed rest, pillows propped with laptop on growing belly sending out FB messages to continue implosion and exposure.

Your new baby will have a great role model from her Mama.

Once exposure is done sit (lay) back and just remain silent. Don't be quick about picking up his text or emails. Maybe have him call one of your friends or family for updates. Don't give him guilt. You don't have too he is already in that place.

This is your time to have grace and put your priority on your family.

Glad your family is surrounding you.

Prayers and blessings

Oh dang, you are stuck there for 2-4 weeks? How is your 5 year old holding up? I bet she misses her mommy!

So, he did not come SEE YOU?

I will never forget when I had JUST got discharged from the hospital for preterm labor and H leaving 15 minutes later for an overnight work retreat with the OW (did not know she was going or who she was until our son was born). That still haunts me - how excited and happy he looked to leave me alone to care for 3 kids while he went overnight with the OW.

Good job keeping up on everything - you are incredibly strong!!

Just chiming in to send you healthy wishes for you and the new baby. I am glad you have help and support.

You are doing the right thing with the exposure - perfect!

Are his mother and sister supportive of you and of him ending the A?

No neither of them nor his father are supportive of my exposure. His sister is helping him look for places to move at his request. Mother is silent to me but has offfered support for kids in the past "no matter what happens"

They are on his side and have no real desire to persuade him in any direction sad but it has been their pattern in his life.

helping their son-brother destroy his life! wow. God will get "em. you just worry about the baby.

prd

Quamie, I am glad that you are holding up. I KNOW that kiddo is going to come when he/she is supposed to but my hope is that it will be healthy too.

You have done so well with the exposure and you have taken the first most important step in trying to recover your marriage. Keep your head held HIGH. You are amazing.

you might want to familiarize yourself with two acronyms.

posow
poswh

I am sorry they are not supporting you. It would be great if families circled the wagons when a member was misbehaving, and stood firm that the misbehavor had to stop!

If I live to be 100, my adult children will hear from me if they are doing something life-destroying!

Glad you have a lot of support, though, from elsewhere. I hope this is a joyous time and your heart is full once you can snuggle your new little one!

Of course, your kids will probably never do something life-destroying because you've taught them better. That's how things like this tend to go.

Update^^

Its nice to have clarity. I think that there is a blessing and lesson to learn in all things. I am going to be in the hospital for a while at least we are hoping for 4 weeks to give baby time to develop.

A little back ground.. my prayer had been for removal from my marriage if it was the will of GOD. Not a divorce but a separation that would bring clarity and give my husband time to see what he was missing and to see the life he had with clarity and no delusions.

At first I wanted to move out but several events happened that assured me that was NOT the right move

Then I exposed and S**T hit the fan and he went into panic mode and his sister stated he was looking for a place and that a separation was what we needed.

Less then 24 hours after exposure I am hospitalized and will remain in care until the birth of our child leaving my WH as soul provider physically, mentally, and financially for our home and children for the next month or possible more.

He will have to do all the duties I have done and would need to be done were he the "single" parent he states he can be.

I will remain in this hospital and continue to work on my end to better myself and my marriage but as of yesterday he is IT.

Our eldest son had a break down and is scared due to all the changes, our youngest son is in need of child care arraignments. His work duties have changed. This is just a taste of the life HE ASKED FOR!

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

My prayers are that my WH sees that life is about US as a team and how WE make our world possible. That the fog will be lifted and he will climb down from his tower of anger and feelings of betrayal and find that all of this can be just a BLIP in the totality of our LIFE.

TWP..thank you for the update.

No matter who we try and control a situation there is Someone who knows what is best for us and has His plan.

Your job right now is to remain calm and full of grace. Keep that baby growing and healthy.

Ignore all tantrums, pity parties, and anger issues of your H.

Continue to remain calm and as Pepperband says "do you want a cookie".

He is getting his taste of reality. He will see that he cannot depend on the OW who must be dealing with her own reality. I pray her H has heard of her adultery.

Keep us posted. If you need help in trying to find out OWH, these MBers are pretty crafty and maybe they can help you as you rest with your feet up!

Blessings.

Update^^

Oh how effective a storm is to clear the room

OW must have been contacted by someone regarding the letters I have sent out because my Wh contacted me today demanding that I STOP. I continued to send out letters as of 7am today due to the limit they have on how many you can send.

Someone told OWH it seems or is going to tell per my WH.

As stated here and in the book ANGRER every where, accusations, threats to leave and divorce me. Disbelief at my actions, my recklessness, my vengefulness, my hatred.

I didn't do to well on the no LB I must admit I didn't stay as calm as I should have nor did I NOT not respond. OPPPSSSS


We had several heated discussions over the phn and text messages regarding my actions and why I have chosen to go this route. I have explained time and agin I WANT YOU TO STOP. He told me he will stop talking to me and he is leaving me and he wants a divorce. I am pushing him further and further away from him. He doesn't know me and why I am doing this to him and his career and "ruining" lives.

As best as I could I explained that his LIES his choices and THEIR actions brought this ON NOT ME.

I DO NOT want a divorce I do NOT want him to leave and I expressed that again and again but I WILL NOT continue allowing THEIR behavior to effect me and my family, this has stopped his previous actions and forced him to make decisions.

At this time he is adamant that his choice is to leave. Strangely enough I am not afraid. Strangely enough I am not worried nor am I angry or hurt. I am OK with any decision he makes I would RATHER he chose his family or marriage our children I WOULD RATHER he stopped doing the things that have lead to this... But I dont always get what I want in the manner or time frame I desire

I will continue to BELIVE that my husband loves his family, his children, his WIFE and unborn child and in time he will see that enough to help US heal and return from this mess. My husband is not alone in this situation this is an UGLY place for us all to be. But I can NO longer allow it to languish on this course.

WH FB is off and so is the OW fb. They are very upset. It looks like OWH will be notified if not already has been and OW is very affraid of some form of physical retaliation. As I stated to my WH and this is NOT MY FAULT! Her husband has the RIGHT to know what is going on in HIS LIFE! Her marriage her issues NOT MINE.

I am working on MY marriage I pray that she do the same or LEAVE but she can not have my husband while he is MINE. If he choses otherwise that is NOT my concern but while he IS my husband hands OFF.

It looks like so far the reactions are as others stated they would be and every day I learn more and more what it is to find strength just when you thought you could take NO MORE.

Again and always thanks ya'll!!

I have a bit of a problem with you going on FAITH from 2 waywards that OWH will be notified. I think OW has already said, "Oh DH, my friend, WH has this CRAZY jealous wife and she is spreading all of these lies about me. She is really PSYCHO and you should NOT believe her if she calls you." I think that you still need to find out OWH's info and tell him. When he talks to you and you are able to show him all of the evidence you have, he will most likely see that you are NOT what his WW has portrayed.

Take good care of yourself and your baby. THAT is MORE important right now. Do you have someone that you can pass on the hunt for OWH to? I saw Hope offer to do it for you if you gave her OW's contact info. Think about it, 'kay?

TWP,

Was your affair exposed? I would guess your H feels a great injustice if that were not the case and does your OMW know?

Was your affair a physical affair too or just emotional?

God Bless
Gamma

The OM in my affair was single and unmarried or other wise attached. Lived alone no kids in the home so there was no ones spouse to expose to and it was a sporadic physical affair meaning we met once or twice a month then would not speak or see each other for a few months then meet again once or twice and again not see each other for a long time. It was still WRONG and I make no excuses to say other wise.

He chose not to expose although I HAVE told EVERYONE that I know of my affair regarding what is going on with his affair. I have NEVER implied that he has not been hurt and my actions could have motivated and flamed his actions to him or anyone else.

He did mention that he felt it was an injustice that he did not get to expose me and I explained to him if he felt the need to do so I would take the consequences of my actions. The issue is that I had no contact with the OM for well over 6months when my husband found out about the affair. I have no phone number and no way of contacting him. If he wanted we could look through the bills and try to figure it out that way and I have offered and would do that with him.

I have suggested and attended counseling and I brought up my affair as one of our issues.

My issue was and still is. I understand the pain I cause to HIM. I understand healing has not been done. I EXPECT to be lashed back at. What I will not accept is his lies and staying in my home while he does it after he has said he would stop. Remember I have only confronted him about the affair 4 months ago.... I knew before then it was going on, not with HER but I knew he was in an affair as I stated to him when I confronted him in Feb.

HE chose to deny and continue his affair even after he said he would stop, I NEVER demanded he stop only that he choose. I can not let this continue to go on despite my feelings of guilt it is causing PHYSICAL harm to me and my unborn child. I am not even asking him to discontinue the affair now I have repeatedly give 3 options

Stay with our family which means discontinue the affair

Leave our family and continue the affair without ME as his spouse and we would continue to be amicable and raise our children.

Leave and be on his own and we would still be amicable and raise our children.

I am not unreasonable in not wantin to continue to be lied to and hurt when the options are available for him to choose. I WILL NOT allow him to have me, OUR family, and his affair any longer no matter WHAT I did.

You need to remove the fact that you will remain amicable. Really? You COULD remain amicable? I don't think ANYONE could remain amicable.

Just picture it, your new baby is born and you look around and WH is there with OW holding his hand, smiling at him and saying, "Oh, look at how cute your baby is." Really? You wouldn't JUMP off of that bed and knock her lights out? What about birthday parties? Are you going to have a big family party and all "hang out?"

This is a FANTASY of WAYWARDS to think that people can be "amicable" and be "friends." Who can be friends with the person who torn apart their family?

I am sorry, I know that you want to do what is best for your family. I was like you too. My WH was going to babysit my kiddos while I was at work IN MY HOME. I thought that was okay. WTH was I thinking? I got my head straightened out and now I KNOW that THAT was a fantasy.

TWP,

Did you ask your husband how he feels about what you did and answer whatever questions he had.

I ask that because in my case I never asked questions 20+ years ago, and now my wife feels she doesn't need to talk about it, as it was so long ago. But for me the pain was just suppressed and never left.

Men bury feelings and women don't want to ask men about their feelings when they feel at fault.

So I am going to have a talk with OM and hope he provides the info. I need.

When you say the affair had been over for 6 months when he found out that is hardly anything.

Was he cheated on in prior relationships?

God Bless
Gamma

I did ask how he felt he is not a talker and SWEARS it is ok and no need to talk about it yet I know that is not the truth. If I bring it up he shuts me down. Says no need to dwell in the past says he forgave me but I KNOW that is not true. I know he still hurts over it almost 3 years later.

He was the cheater in all his past relationships come to find out and he says that OUR relationship was his first that he did NOT cheat and that is why he was so upset. For once he did the right thing and look what it got him... I don't believe he never cheated I just never pressed the issue or went looking when his behaviors or actions told me there were things going on. But that is neither here nor there.

I did not cheat because he cheated as he states he is not cheating because I cheated. We lack good communication can you tell...

At times.... this seems so bleak and I wonder what I am really fighting for.

Scotland we will have to agree to disagree. I can be amicable because I control my actions. I will NOT make this harder then it is.

Making boundaries is my job and I can only control my life. Who he has in HIS home, IN his car, at his family functions is not within my control no matter HOW much I don't like it. BUT I choose how I will react to any situation.

What I feel cant always dictate my actions because believe me if they did I WOULD be in jail by now.

I would PREFER he not bring my kids around the OW but if that is what he does IN HIS home or in his presence or in PUBLIC then I have no control. NONE over that. I can ask that he not bring her to MY home and I can change our location of pick up so I do not have to interact with him at ALL if he is unwilling to do so. But I can always remain amicable if I CHOOSE to be. I have no desire to further cause my self pain over another person actions that I have no control over.

Is that really unreasonable? Perhaps I am naive and filled with fairy tales...

Good luck to you TWP

You are rolling over for this affair, twp. Do not give your WH ANY sense that you are going to be a good egg about this. That is just more fuel for his fantasy.

Tell your WH that if he leaves your M he is going to be living in a Brave New World, a world where people don't divorce and remain friends. Sure - let him know you won't assault his AP. But you will NOT be friends.

In other words, you are willing to settle for nothing and crumbs?

If you cannot stand up for you, for your children and unwilling to go to the depths for them, then you will lose at least 50 percent of their childhood.

Think through what "peace" and "amicable" mean. They are GUARANTEED to lose 1/2 of the time with each parent! GUARANTEED!

If you stand up and say this won't be amicable - I won't share you with OW, you still run the risk of this same result, but it's no longer guaranteed. You have a chance of saving your marriage if you stand up to him and let him know you are worth exclusivity and commitment.

Perhaps I am not clear WH has stated he is leaving and wants a divorce. I have told him I do not want either. I will not beg him to stay. I have explained what he is leaving and he has stated he understands that. I have made it VERY clear by my actions and words that I will not participate in a 3 way relationship and that I WILL not allow him to have a wife and home and the OW. He choose at this time to NOT be with me, as he put it, he is leaving me NOT his children. I said OK if you think so then so be it. I understand that my children will suffer I understand that their lives are being ripped apart. I understand also that I am powerless to move him..

I have to protect myself and my unborn child as well as the children we have. Perhaps I do have blinders on. I do not understand how I can do anything else to help WH reconnect with US as he is refusing to disconnect from OW.

He has state that my exposure has caused him to make a choice and that choice is NOT me. Perhaps this is just his anger and fear speaking? IDK

I am still working to do a PA as best I can from bed rest. I am trying to remind him that his thought process is off track. I have heard the lines of
"We have not been happy for years, I have been unhappy for years" You all have heard it all.

I can not reason with a person who is unreasonable. I just keep making sure he knows I do not want him to leave that I love him, that I am willing to forgive him and work on our marriage if he is wiling. He has told me that he sees no value in our marriage and has no reason to work on fixing something that he sees if broken beyond repair

I could go on and on with his babble but I am sure it has if not all then mostly been said. lol

Maybe I am stunned or shell shocked by his reaction despite reading that this would happen its another thing to experience it.

I am taking life a heart beat at a time sometimes it feels like it.

What I was saying was that you didn't want to give him the idea that a divorce from you would be EASY. Of course, you aren't going to let him have both OF YOU, WHERE DID YOU SEE THAT SUGGESTED? What I was saying was that you had to show him that divorcing him would be BAD VERY VERY BAD. If it is better for him to be married to you, then that IS better for you and for your marriagte. KWIM?

You are in Plan A for your marriage, but I would say that right now your MAIN concern should be that baby and your health. If you still want to work on this afterwards, we will still be here. You can do Pllan A in the hospital on bed rest? You will be a HERO on these boards if you can pull off a successful one that way.

I am NOT giving up on you as I se you are not giving up on your marriage. The point is that ALL WS say they are DONE. My WH went so far as to say that he hadn't been happy for 3 years(at the time he had only known OW for 2.5 years, so it wasn't HER fault ), then 2 weeks later, he didn't know why we even got married because he hadn't been happy for 13 years. My response was, "I guess in another couple of weeks, you will erase the other 5 years we were together and not know why we started dating." This was pre-MB, I believe(the time lines get fuzzy now).

So, you have a plan and you won't worry about what your WH is or isn't doing. The BEAUTY of MB is that IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR WH WANTS RIGHT NOW. Yes, to get into recovery, you will need your WH on borad, but to do Plan A and Plan B, you MOST DEFINITELY WILL NOT. Any questions? HEHEHEHEHE

Scotland I got it :0)

I am doing a Plan A as best I can. LOL I am giving words of love and future. Meaning I am talking about plans we had before the fall out as if he has not spoken of leaving or divorce. I have not asked about his intentions of moving or divorce proceedings.

Tonight I made his favorite (easy) dinner and we ate together.

I am doing a plan A modified as best I can because WE are worth it.

I was discharged from the hospital today YEAH! and he picked me up and he offered that we stop and have yogurt, which we did. He even took a taste of yogurt that I offered. We are both uncomfortable and unsure what to say to each other

I know at this point that I am not suppose to be discussing recovery with him but instead showing him with love and support. Which I do modified lol.

I have hope that he will get out of this fog its just my hope is fluctuating constantly lol.

THIS is why you have to have NO EXPECTATIONS in Plan A. That way you are not affected by the actions of a wayturd. Just focus on making YOU the best spouse you ARE. SHOW your WH that you are GREAT.

Got it I am GREAT! I will keep that mantra going...

Hi there TWP,
You are right on track with exposure and how you have handled this.....
I was in the same place as you 6 months ago,
When I exposed my husband was mad and telling me he was in love with OW and he was leaving me, He wasn't ever happy and he wasn't in Love with me anymore.....
He felt very justified for having an affair because I just wasn't the wife he wanted......
She was also married. I found out from her husband, he exposed their side I exposed my side.....
My husband was devastated when my adult boys found out from me(22 and 20) Their relationship has changed for life now, they barely spoke to him and were in regular contact with me and supported me.........I think he was shocked that they just didn't understand why he had to have an affair......
I told my husband that I never stopped loving him and that divorce was never I something I wanted.....but if his choice was the OW and a new life was what he wanted he was free to leave the family life he had known for 25 years......
I went to the bank, opened my own accounts, got my own credit card and I drew up a separation agreement and we signed it, things were set to go, he just needed to move out.......
I just acted the best I could and just kept telling him I understood his choices and that as long as he had the OW in his life we had nothing to discuss and that he should move out and get on with his choices......
I continued to take care of him and home became a calm and safe place for him to be......we discussed the facts to death and we both understood each other for the first time in years...he never went out at night or the weekends, spent all his time with me....but I told him that didn't change things because he was still with her......his choice, nothing to do with me.......
He was still deep in his fog and fantasy life with her......
Over the next few months, the fog lifted and he asked me to reconsider giving the marriage another chance, he gave me access to all passwords and No Contact has been put in place.....
He now claims he was still in love with me and regrets the whole thing......He has said he is sorry a million times.....and that what he did was purely a selfish act....
The OW's marriage broke up on D-Day and her children have disowned her.....
There was a big price to pay for this selfish act and it has changed 2 families forever......
The point to the story is that even when you think there isn't any hope that there is, he needs time to feel the brunt of what he has chosen to do and to really see the OW for what she is and the real life that they will have.......The fog needs to lift and the vets say it takes about 6 months or so........Hang in there, be the soft place for him to land, tell him you still believe in the man he can be and that you understand the guy you see right now is not the husband you love......
Focus on your kids and yourself for right now.........
He will come around but it takes time.......

Thank you JT. It really helps when I hear the advices and suggestions from you all. I mean other wise I would be in total darkness.

A small update. I made diner last night for fathers day and we are speaking a little bit. I even got a kiss last night and today before he left for work.

I saw his suite case out this AM and asked him if he had spoken to the kids about his leaving and he told me he was not leaving.. He took the luggage out of the closet to reach something...

I told him I did not want him to leave our home and marriage and that I loved him.

Please dont get your hopes up. Im not trying to be a downer but you gotta kill your expectations. I didnt and it killed me.

EXPECT to go to PB. PA RARELY kills the A. He hasnt commited to NC. You say you cant control him so he WILL contact her. He is merely cake eating. It sucks but its true.

Expect your husband to leave you like the [censored] he is. Prepare for it by doing the best PA you can. The ACTIONS you take now will be the last thing he remembers of you when he leaves and YOU go dark.

I KNOW its hard but it really gets easier when you kinda give up a bit. It did for me. It sucks because YES he is draining the love you have for him. Overall its not that bad though since he was draining it at a far greater pace by cake eatting and getting your hopes up every time.

Im so sorry for your situation. I wish I could help you more.

I have not asked for a NC I need to re-read the book and threads.

Hi Quamie (still like the original name!),

Relieved you are out of the hospital but you need to remember that you have to take care that little bundle first.

As long as you are living together Plan B and NC is not viable. Set a date for Plan A to end and stick with it. Don't tell H your date it is for you.

I would also continue to look for contact information for OWH. Good chance he does not know and H just told you that to throw you off. Don't you think that the OWH would have contacted you if he truly knew? Right now the A is probably gone underground and they are keeping away from each other because of the pregnancy. They think they are doing the "noble" thing.

All of this is sleazy but normal. Stay on the right path.

take care of you and your baby. Blessings.

Dang it!! I had all this stuff written out and disappeared!!

Let me try again.

I am doing a plan A and I do have a end date in mind. I can not do another 2-3 months. This has been going on for the past 5 months and I have no desire to go on 2-3 more months.

I do not believe that either of them OW or WH are being nobel. This A has been going on sense before I was preg and the entire time I have been preg. I told the OW of my preg before I knew she was the OW, how ironic is that.

My WH stated that he was done with me and wanted a separation and divorce when I exposed. He and the OW had not been in contact in the last month and he states the A was over.

My issue is that he had not agreed to NC with OW, they still worked together, he was in withdrawal, he still stated that he was confused and did not what he wanted to do, but she and he had agreed that she would back off. Yeah right! I know that it was just a matter of time before they ran back to each other.

My exposure threw them into a panic. Over the past 4 days sense exposure they have spoken for 70 minutes through multiple phone calls. Once exposure was done they ran to each other.

I need some peace and recovery regardless if that means we do recovery together or apart. As I have stated to my WH I want our marriage to work and for him to stay but I WILL NOT continue to participate in this A.

I guess I need to address or readdress my expectations. Perhaps tonight is that night for that.

If you are still in Plan A - NO R TALK. No expectation at all.

Plan A is to show the wayward what they will be missing. Plan A is to remind them of the great life they could have with you. It is not a time of demands.

Did your evening go ok?

We spoke last night. I asked him what his plans where. Long story short, WH stated he was planning to move out still in Aug, he needs some alone time, he is not going to file for a separation nor does he want a divorce.

He stated that he is very hurt by my actions and cant understand why I would go to such lengths.

We talked about sitting the kids down and explaining that he would be moving soon. We talked about finances, and the house we have.

Wh has always and continues to support me, our children and home and has stated that he will continue to do so when he leaves.

After a while when I kept pressing about dates, money for moving, issues with new baby needs, childrens living arrangements and needs he broke down and said he did not know, it was too much he was tired and had not thought that far ahead.

I told him I would stop then and we could re-address the subject at a later time. I am still Plan A and offered diner and we talked about his day and plans for the week for the kids.

I am doing plan A as best I can...I think lol

The insanity of this just keeps getting better. My WH is demanding I retract my exposure to all that I have told. I have ruined her life, she is his friend whom he cares for, I have hurt her future at her school. All I wanted was revenge and he can never forgive me.

This is insane and I think I might need a plan B now not later. I think I really want to leave. I think I really need to run and hide and protect myself from this craziness...

This just gets crazier every day.

These statements are standard

Give him a cookie. These waywards are crazy.

The response is totally to be expected and on script. We all have heard nearly word for word variations to exposure from our wayward spouses.

You don't apologize for exposing, retract, etc. You simply ride it out. It means you hit a homerun with exposure. A good thing. You breathe deep. You do not go to B from the response (scary as it is to see our once team mate in marriage pissed). It is a tantrum at being caught and the fantasy being shook up. That is all.

Plan A.

Breathe deep.

Plan A.

Let the hostility thrown at you roll of your back.

Keep with the plan.

Way to go.

Thank you for your responses. I also re-found the carrot/stick of plan a revisited thread which really helped.

I was panicked thanks for bringing me back from the brink.

Does a separation really make things better in a marriage?

separation? I dont know....but plan B? Maybe...

I know when my husband told me he didn't want any contact with me it hurt, and the fog started to lift some more....the fog started to lift after he exposed my EA on facebook, but once we started plan B....that was the turning point for me to come home and fix our marriage.

Depends on what kind of a separation. A separation on the basis that he needs his "space" or needs to "find himself" is bad. A separation instigated by you through a deep, dark Plan B is not only good but necessary.

ITA with PM.

There ARE risks to separation, thing is, you don't want to live in limboland forever either. Eventually, YOU would get sick of the life you are living and you wouldn't take your WH back at all. Take the best route and for me, I believe that is the route DrH has sent out on this site and in his books. He is a true gift from God.

He needs time and space separation. Exposure is now 2 weeks past and we are at the point of asking me to retract my exposure. He is in need of space... I dont think this is good but again I dont knw how to stop this.

I am doing the best plan A that I can... But it doesnt feel like its working.

Plan A's effects are more important with how YOU feel. Most waywards DON'T come out of the fog with Plan A alone. You need Plan B and you need to make this about YOU and YOUR actions. Don't focus on your WH.

Have you got a plan B ready to give him, if you need to go into a plan B?

If not, then I suggest you do so just to be prepared!

GOOD LUCK!

I have an end date and I am going to begin to work on my plan B letter this week. As expected things have been up and down. But there is still no forward movement in my opinion there is not a NC letter, there has been no concret talk of staying or going. We are in limbo and I feel very uncomfortable here.

I need to figure out how to have the "talk" about NC and requesting a letter to be sent. If he refuses then a plan B will have to go into effect.

Plan A is going well and he has commented several times about how he sees positive changes in our home and marriage and personal relationship despite the drama that is going on.

Thanks again all.

Have you read the reverse babble thread? The drama that is going on is PURELY because of HIS affair.

It's GREAT that you have been doing so well in Plan A, you need to get that letter on here so people can help you edit it. Make sure you take out real names and places before you post it.

Are you ready with your IM? You can give him/her my email addy and I will help with filtering your emails if you wish. Also, make sure that you are going to be strong enough to have NO CONTACT with him.

What about visitation of the kids? How is that going to take place? YOU CAN NOT see him EVER. The next time you have contact with him directly would be when he has ended his affair and decides to come back to the marriage. ARE YOU READY?

Scotland I need a link to plan B letter and I will get started on it today as I feel very strongly I am moving in that direction.

My kidlets are older 15,14,13 and 5 so I don't have to see him for him to make arrangements to pick up and drop off the kids.

The IM I am not sure who to use.... Because I do not want to choose either of our parents or family. Although his mother might be the best bet as she lives close and our conversations are basic respect no chit chat. Although I have no desire to put her in the middle of this mess I don't know who else to use.

Your IM needs to be someone who YOU trust to keep it "professional." They have to know what to pass on to you and what not to say. Anything passed on can be a little hole in your Plan B curtain and will affect you.

I would be glad to help out the IM you choose. Just pass on the email addy I have in my siggy.

I used the Plan B letter from SAA. Lemme go find the letters link for you.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1642447#Post1642447

This is a link to an archived thread started by Pepperband. The sample letter from Jon to Sue(in SAA) is in this thread about 3 posts in. There is a lot to do to get into Plan B. And the work will still continue once you are there. You MUST be READY to go NC with your WH and have a very STRICT Plan B.

Thanks Scotland..

Below is my Plan B letter. First draft cut away... add..


I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I neglected your needs, and I failed over and over to give you what you needed. Over the past 5 months or so I have been able recognize my past errors in judgment and have learned from them. I have and will continue to take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I know my actions helped create a huge void in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen.

I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I will do whatever I can to help build a better marriage, together. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. But I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my husband.

I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship and marriage, or how to meet your needs. I can not sit here today and say that I know all that I need to know about relationships or marriages but I can however honestly say that I have learned a lot about honoring, cherishing, respecting and responding to your needs. I want to learn more about how to be a supportive and loving wife to only you. The type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife; the same pride I feel so many times when I call you my husband. I am willing to do what ever it takes for us to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and our children.


The past few years have been a difficult passage of time for us, we seemed to recover, only to slip and fail again and again. But since February, I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better wife to you. To give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to continue to build our family together, but the past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear.

Despite the hardships of our past I continue to hold on to the memories of the love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to agree to spend my life with you, and the thought of us being together, someday happy again. I want to be your best friend again, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend again.


But the past 7 months have been the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect and I want nothing more then to regain and rebuild our foundation to something stronger and better. I want us to be a team, and to build a better marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly things have gotten, I know we can get past it.

Over the past 7 months I have endured the hurt and pain, but I can not do so any more. The path that I must take now is one of choice as well as of self-preservation. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply can not continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with <OW>. It has become too painful.

For reconciliation to happen I would need the following from you before making a commitment to reconcile:

I need you to commit to at least 9 months of therapy/marriage counseling with the option to renew if it is recommended by the practitioner.

I need us to have access to each others cell phones, email accounts, and passwords to all accounts. I need us to re-build a trusting relationship which allows for no hiding places and secrets.

I know that we can only fully rebuild our marriage together, when you completely end your relationship with <OW>. By ending that means no contact by phone, in person, at work, via text messages, Black Berry messenger, email personal or work, or any other physical or non-physical contact. I would like you to write a no contact letter which will be sent to me first and then sent to <OW> by me.

Until these things can be agreed upon, I will have no communication with you, except regarding our children, and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at recovery. If we continue as we are now, I fear there would be nothing left.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate from you. Please feel free to call the kids at any time to set up visits. If you need to contact me, please do so through my email or text messages. To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay, while I stay in our home and continue be the primary care provider for our children. I do not wish for your bond with our children to suffer any further, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative of your choice. If you have any emergency matters, you can always call me or email me at any time


I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you. You must know how painful it has been dealing with your affair with <OW> during this pregnancy. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and she are still in contact.

This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery!

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from <OW> and are willing to construct a plan to ensure a total separation. Until that time I will continue to maintain a separation.


My desire is to still grow old with you. I love you more than life itself, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family our marriage, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future. My hope is to see our family reunited and back together stronger then ever very soon. The process of getting us to that point is up to you at this point. If your hopes are the same as mine it will show in your future actions.

Gotta go to bed, but I would say, "WAY TOO LONG."

A few paragraphs MAX. I haven't had a chance to read it through yet. I will.

Yes I agree...way too long, keep it short I stopped at paragraph 3 so that tells you he wont even get that far.

Here's my first edit... I cut waaayy down on the length and the redunancy-- also close the door to any contact other than through an IM. Anybody else?

Thanks PM

Revised Plan B- I left the part on my terms because I believe that they are VERY important.


I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I neglected your needs, and I failed over and over to give you what you needed. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly things have gotten, I know we can get past it.

Over the past 7 months I have endured the hurt and pain, but I can not do so any more. The path that I must take now is one of choice as well as of self-preservation. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply can not continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with <OW>.

For reconciliation to happen I would need the following from you before making a commitment to reconcile:

I need you to commit to at least 9 months of therapy/marriage counseling with the option to renew if it is recommended by the practitioner.

I need us to have access to each others cell phones, email accounts, and passwords to all accounts. I need us to re-build a trusting relationship which allows for no hiding places and secrets.

I know that we can only fully rebuild our marriage together, when you completely end your relationship with <OW>. By ending that means no contact by phone, in person, at work, via text messages, Black Berry messenger, email personal or work, or any other physical or non-physical contact. I would like you to write a no contact letter which will be sent to me first and then sent to <OW> by me.

Until you are willing to end contact with OW forever, I can no longer have any communication with you, except regarding our children. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at recovery. I will not I continue as we are now.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate from you. Please feel free to call the kids at any time to set up visits. If you need to contact me, please do so through my email or text messages Name Person Here, who will act as an intermediary only for emergencies. You can contact her/him via ______ at ______ .

To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay, while I stay in our home and continue be the primary care provider for our children. I do not wish for your bond with our children to suffer any further, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times.


My desire is to still grow old with you. I love you more than life itself, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family our marriage, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future. My hope is to see our family reunited and back together stronger then ever very soon. The process of getting us to that point is up to you at this point. If your hopes are the same as mine it will show in your future actions.

Here is an example of the addendums I had for my Plan B letter. Maybe this will give you some ideas. You are trying to fit everything in to this letter and this is supposed to be the last love letter you may possibly write to your WH.


This is the conditions to break Plan B that my WH hasn't seen yet(unless he opened the frame that contained a copy of our family photo).

That's about it.

Overall a very good Plan B letter.

Thank you! I found an IM and will be going into plan B Monday. Wish me luck and prayers are always welcomed

You have it all figured out right? This is going to be a really hard time for you. Have you read my thread? You have to make sure that after you give him the letter that you DO NOT talk to him or respond. You may have to block his email address, etc and you may have to block his calls. He will NOT be happy. He will try very hard to break you. Don't let him.

I am still reading Scotty but yes I do understand how hard this will be. To make matters worse I am preg and expecting. The challenge of the impending birth is yet another reason why I am doing this now. I need peace and I need closure regarding this matter. I can not get either of those in the current situation I find or marriage in.

So plan B it is.

Thank you again for all of your support, suggestions and advice.

Remember, you can get your IM to send me any questions or emails at my email addy scotty.mb@hotmail.com It is just for MB folks, so I don't check it that often. If I know that your IM WILL send me things, I will check it more often.

Also, there is a link for IMs that MelodyLane started. Here is that link for you. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2264548#Post2264548

These are a few more links that I ave in my list for Plan Bers.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1642447#Post1642447

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...wflat&Main=147963&Number=2002600

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2173377#Post2173377

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...t&Number=2259792&nt=2&page=1

There are a lot more threads and this is going to be a very trying time.

Have you thought about what it would take for you to even try to recover with your WH? You should have a list of requirements ready. You don't know how long this Plan B will last. Please, don't break the No Contact or he will think you are a push over and you are not serious. All of the work you did in Plan A will be lost. Take care. Read on here when you are feeling down. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Turn off the phone and have someone else read your emails. Let yourself cry. You WILL cry. This is really hard to do. Don't be hard on yourself. This last little push to get into Plan B is, I think, the HARDEST that I had.

My Plan B started on Page 42(well, actually that was the morning before). Here is the link to that.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2343751&page=42

Take care and you are doing the right thing.

Ok update.. Here goes I did not give the letter on Monday I gave it today. My IM is very understanding of the situation and has read the books and the website and has been dealing with her own recovery in her marriage. So she is strong and stable.


As for my marriage... Today was "the day"

BEFORE letter.

My husband and I had been talking about his leaving as he has stated he was leaving. I have requested quite a few times what was his plans and he stuck with he is moving out.

Today he states he wanted to stay. I asked what that meant and he stated that he did not want to leave me preg, he was not wanting to hurt any one any more, we were not arguing and fighting things were not good but not bad. He felt we could just go on as we had been going.

I stated does that mean we are going to work on things he said things are fine as they are.

I stated NO. I told him that I was unable to continue to stay in our marriage in the situation it was currently in. I was emotional in my words crying and a bit upset but NO LB no angry words, no blaming, no mention of the OW. I just stated that I would not continue as we were. If he did not want to work on the marriage and he would rather leave I did NOT want him to leave I wanted him to stay and work on our marriage but I would not accept things as they were.

He tried to tell me that he was doing the best he could and that he was trying to stay with our family and that he was unhappy but he was wiling to just grit and bear.

I declined and explained that no I could not and would not continue. He took the letter as he was leaving and as of this evening I have not heard anything from him nor has he returned to our home.

Our children are all out of the house thank goodness.

I am in Plan B and hoping that despite it all things will be as they will be. Our marriage in in HIS hands.

Make sure that you don't break. THis is going to be a really hard few weeks, even without any contact from him. You need to keep yourself dark. That is going to be the best for you and it will also be the best for your WH. You can do this. Just let your IM take care of all of the communications. DON'T BREAK.

Hang on tight, this is going to be a roller coaster ride like no other. You can do this.

GOOD JOB!!

Now start focusing on you!

GO very DARK!

If he trys to call, DO NOT ANSWER no matter how bad you miss him.

If he texts DO NOT TEXT BACK!

Call you IM, and let her know to remind your husband that he can no longer contact you, that you nee space to heal. Do not give him a time limit.

I was ready to be back home with in 6 hours, but my husband couldn't handle it, and it took him 10 day's to finally say ok.

But remember take ALL THE TIME you need

Do something for YOU today, go get a manicure, a new summer dress, shoes, etc...

YOU DESERVE IT GIRL!

So far so good. I have kept my self busy and out of the house. We have not spoken and I have finished packing ALL of his things. I need to figure out how he will get them I am thinking of dropping them off at his parents home.


A part of me is ok and not upset about the situation in fact I feel relieved.

Another part of me is seething and disappointed in the person he is or has become. This person whom I am married to who has walked out on his family and expecting wife. I wonder if I can rebuild a life with him.

This is one of the most important events in our lives and yet he has selfishly chosen to walk away.

But this is life and each day is a new day.

I think the way you implemented your Plan B was beautiful. Really nicely done. Emotional but not love busting.

Should he try to contact you without the IM, refer him to the letter and that he respect your wishes to separate this way.

Try to ride out the waves of emotion as you withdraw from your spouses presence in your life. The emotional gamut is normal. It will eventually even out with no contact to him.

I took his personal things to his mothers home this AM as he has not moved them out. That of course got him "talking". I did not respond to his text messages AT ALL. I did not refer him to the letter I just did not respond at all.

When he went the rout of angry out burst of not answering him regarding the children I had the kids call him on the home phone. When he asked to speak to me I told my little one speak to his father and say goodbye then I ended the call.

He texted again asking for a email of a family member I did not respond.

He text again asking no demanding that I not ignore him and he would be getting out of my hair like I want and how much easier it would be if I had not spent half of his move out money. He went on to say he would not be cut off from his children and demanded I answer him.

I again had the kids call him from the home phn and when he asked to speak to me I again instructed my little one to finish talking and say goodbye then I hung the phn up without speaking to him.

To clarify on the money issue we had set aside 2k for him to move out then he said he was not leaving and I needed a car seat for the new baby and some other things which I purchased. He then took $300 of the remaining money and has used that this weekend on his "me" time. LOL

I did not respond NOR did I remind him of any of those things. I am DARK. Its harder then I thought but then not so hard. A part of me wants to lash out at him and remind him THIS is his choice to leave and not mine. BUT I don't. A part of me wants to tell him to come home but I know that will not fix these issues.

But the bigger part of me is relieved that my life is moving in a direction not stagnate and filled with uncertainty and pain.

I can do this, I am doing this.
Thanks for the support

GOOD JOB!!

You are doing great in plan B!

I would start separating your finances though, so he is not spending family money on his affair. Do not discuss with him about this, or the IM, just start pulling out money for the kids, and all your money out. Put it in a separate account. Take your name off that account.

Keep focusing on you, and don't think about your WH, or what he does.

There is no "my" finances as he is the only person working. If I take my name off the account I have no access to any funds. I am a full time student and my financial aid / loans dont come in until school begins / end of Aug. We live pay check to pay check and the 2k that we put aside was for summer school but I could not go due to my pre-term labor and then things got worse and I thought it would be a good idea to use the money to let him move.

I have to trust that he will do right by his children as he has always done when it comes to money and finances as I have also done. Over all I feel like we have remained very civil regarding money and care of our children. I choose to believe things continue that way and if not I have family...

But thanks you for the advise as I do not take any of it lightly.

I still have a joint account with my WH. He put all of his pay cheques in there until about a month ago. I was worried about getting my name on bills, etc. You don't need that to stay dark. You need to know your rights and be prepared to enforce those rights, legally if need be.

Now, it is GREAT that you haven't DIRECTLY responded to any of his texts/messages. The thing is, you still have indirectly done it. I have been called the "Queen" of a dark Plan B. There are a few holes, but they are peep holes and when I get made aware of them I try my best to plug them up. I always try to do the best. When I know better, I do better. THIS is where I am coming from right now when I give you this advice.

When your WH tries to contact you directly, you need to NOT respond in ANY way. THis means, NO telling your children to call him. He then knows that you got his message. Also, your WH isn't stupid, he KNOWS what he is and isn't supposed to do, he just doesn't WANT to do it. Don't be surprised if your WH is reluctant to use your IMs. He is used to this being "his show" and he is going to fight to gain control again. Don't give in. You CAN do this.

Keep it up my dear, you are about to experience a few more weeks of this withdrawal. It SUCKS. But you will come out on the other side, feeling much better. It IS worth it.

Ok so no more indirect responses Ok got it. I appreciate the advise and I do understand where you are coming from. I can only do better if I know better agreed.

You are right he has the letter and has told me he has read it. I have stated in the letter to call the house or or eldest sons phn to speak to the kids. I will no longer ask the kids to call him. He can call the house. He tired to say he will only contact me directly about the kids but I have again stated not to contact me unless there is an emergency but to otherwise use the IM. GO IT! Power play. You are HECKA smart lol. Thanks for the clarity.

And now we get darker.

It does suck! But I can and AM doing this. It will get easier I am sure for all of us.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE TOLD YOU HE READ THE LETTER? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU TOLD HIM TO CALL THE IMS?

Oh hun, you need to NOT do this. NO CONTACT.

When he tries to contact you, YOU IGNORE IT. It didn't happen. Have you read my thread? I wasn't too clear on that either. I was give the advise then, that's how I know what to do now. NO CONTACT NO CONTACT.

I even go so far as to NOT say a word when the kiddos are talking to WH.

Did you explain all of this to your children? How old are they? You need to explain that you are doing this because it hurts too much for you to talk to WH and that when someone does something to hurt us, we don't let them. You explain that you would LOVE for your WH to come back home to the family BUT he has to end his affair FIRST. You will NOT talk to him directly and if he has any messages to send you, he is to do so through your IM. He is NOT to use your children as messengers. YOU are NOT to use your children as messengers. BE DARK AS NIGHT. You can do this. You have been doing this.

I have not spoken to him he has been sending texts.
I meant in the letter i explained what to do and what would happen. I have NOT spoken to him or responded to him at all via text message or spoken.

When I gave him the letter originally we spoke and he told me he understood and when he said he was leaving I explained that if he made that decision that EVERYthing I said in the letter would happen... I guess he did not believe me...

His children are not here. My little one is 5 and my 15 year old is not here.

I have not explained anything to the baby yet.

Okay. I just wanted to make SURE that you were staying DARK.

Good job.

Well oh well there goes my first misstep! It was bound to happen.

The kids came home he showed up we talked to them.

Long story short we got into a verbal argument. He told me he didn't want to leave and that I thew him out He wanted to be here in our home with or family I was not letting him.

He then told me that he is not going to give in to my "tantrum" and give up his friend and a person he cares about and that I had hurt with my ugly outburst / exposure and until I realized how I had done wrong our relationship was over.

Needless to say I LOSt it! There was no cursing but I did remind him that I am his wife and we have been married 9 year and how insane his response sounded.. In some very stern words and tones. OK I was yelling.... I wanted to physically lash out i was SO angry but I did not. I am so ashamed I even spoke back.. But he is pushing my buttons. I know better now.

I demanded the garage opener back and took it he took the other one out of my car. Ugg this is HARD and I am back in the Dark.. but this is my saga and I am going to document it in all honesty.

Oh God please continue to give me strength.

Okay, you slipped. I know that you know how important it is to stay dark. You NEED to stay dark. PLEASE for yourself and those children of yours, stay DARK.

The sadness is settling in... i knew it would come. On to another day

Ok update and I need help.

He is not leaving the house. He has refused. Well let me say that he moved out for about 2 weeks could not afford to move into his own place and has "moved" back in.

What that means is his affair is in full swing. He leaving early and coming back late. He is not coming back some nights, he texted to say he was not coming home tonight. He is not willing to listen to anything I have to say.

I am at whits end. I dont know what to do.

Edited to add we talked on the phone: He came home...

pack up his things

Leave it on the door step

Change the locks

and give him your plan B letter.

You need to be FIRM in this, you can not tolerate this any longer, HE HAS TO LEAVE!!

GO DARK VERY DARK

I completely agree with this spirit - however LEGALLY she may not be able to do this. I would talk to a lawyer/ police officer and see what legally you are able to do.

He is in law enforcement. I knw I cant put him out. I can not change the locks. He has my plan B letter. I moved out today. I can NOT take it any more. We had a talk last night and in the end he is busy with being angry at me. He is not going to do anything to change his behaviors and he is not going to stop seeing her. I should stop hurting myself I think his words were. He is in a deep fog and I can NOT tolerate it.


I packed today and went to my moms house, myself and my 2. I took our belongings and I am dark. I can not do this I wont be treated like this. It hurts to much. We are in such a bad place I cry all the time. I cant sleep. This is not good he wont leave but hates to be around me. I was doing everything. I could not continue to do it with him being so disrespectful...

Well, my suggestion was going to be that if you couldn't get him out that you should go. Guess you already got that covered. Now just stay DARK. Understand that this is not over for him. He still wants to have you BOTH. THAT is why he came back. Affairland didn't look so great alone. He started seeing some reality cracks and he didn't like it much. Show him what it will be like to divorce you. You aren't going to play nice. You aren't going to roll over. You are going to do what is best for YOU and your children. If he wants to join you, he will need to do A LOT to join you on your path.

Now, I know this is going to sound NUTTY. You need to make a list of requirements for him to come home(or for you to return home). You need to have this list BEFORE WH contacts you about recovery so you don't cave too easily. You won't want a false recovery. Get a list of things together that your WH would have to agree to before you will even consider reconciliation.

Take time to breath. Understand that you will go through withdrawal of your own. Understand that this SUCKS right now but it WILL get better(wow, I HATED when people said that to me). This is going to take time and you have to live through it. You can't skip any steps.

STAY DARK.

I am going to take it one day at at time I want it to get better but I can not deal with things the way they are. He does wants it all and I am not willing to be degraded like this. I am on the list because your right I will cave. This hurts to much. I just want the pain to end and I know it will.

Just remember that he is in YOUR home, and everything inside that house will remind him of you!

LOL SR you are right and now its pretty bear as I have removed my personal things, all of the new unborn baby things, and all the things for our youngest and eldest sons. He watched me pack for 30 minutes and asked me to keep the truck. I declined the car as I dont want contact with him regarding it as it is our only car (besides his wrk car).

I knowwe all wish we did not have to live through these experiences, but Im so glad this site is here in my darkest moments.

I have sent an appointment request for a coaching session. I am so lost. My youngest child is suffering so much. He has wet the bed last night. He is crying and acting out. He wants to go home and he wants to know why we can not go home. I am heart broken and I am not sure how to proceed...

I do not know how to move forward.

I submitted my question via email to the radio show and I was chosen and given a response by Dr. Harley. I am going to move forward and file for a divorce or separation but I am leaning towards a divorce as a separation is not advantages to me. No one really wants a divorce so my saying so has no real bearing but with years of knowledge I am going to trust that Dr. Harley's answer to my question was a good one as are his books.

Wish me luck I begin making phone calls tomorrow.

MELODY!!!! Can you please look at my thread and give some feedback!?

After much thought and prayer I do not want a divorce nor a legal separation. Can you all please look over my thread and offer any other advice? Or am I just emotionally unstable due to all of this drama and my pregnancy and unable to see the blaring truth of my situation?

What did the harley's say you should do?

Have you been in a dark plan B since you moved out?

The Harley via the radio show / via email stated that I am doing a plan C which will not work. And it is true, I am in a plan c so to speak.

We see each other 5 days a week due to our child's involvement in football and school as well. I KNOW I am suppose to be dark but I don't know how to be totally dark with our children involved, he has 3 of the boys I have the youngest 5 yo and I am preg. We are speaking minimally but we do speak and see each other.

Update:
My baby was born on 9/06/10 she was a healthy 7lbs 8.1 oz and 19.5 inches long.

As for my marriage well I am still living with my mother, I am looking or a place to move. I have returned to school, 2 days after the baby's birth and I am doing well. She is a great baby and I have a lot of help.

I have also been doing a LOT of reading on this site and I am not sure how to proceed.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2429671&page=1

I recently read and found Marks Rants for Newbies and I realize a few things

1st I did not do a good plan A for long enough.
2nd I am not doing a good plan B (which I already knew)but I have improved upon. I no longer see him every day. We see each other once a week during pick up and drop off of our son (5) This is the time he also spends time with his daughter. She is less then 3 weeks old and is excessively breastfeed so she can not leave me.


I leave the room while he visits the baby and I have minimal conversations with him during his visits.

We have spoken on the phone a few times regarding pressing issues regarding our children and we text as needed regarding our children on pressing issues.

I have spoken to 3 lawyers regarding my options of support/separation/divorce.

I do not want a divorce and after reading the thread by Mark I am no longer going to peruse that avenue as it is not something that I want to do at this time. Instead I have filed for child support so that I can have a paper trail for income verification. Although I am not sure if I will go through with that either. Our joint accounts are still open and all of the money is still going into the account and I have access to them.

I realize that I am not sure how to proceed and I would really like some input because it really feels like I did something and am being ignored....

If you have read this far thank you for any and all input.

I just read up on another thread I am really need to do a Plan B!!! Ok today is the day. Wish me LUCK and pray for me..

Wait. Plan B takes time to plan. Do you have everything ready? How are you going to handle the visitations with your children? It isn't impossible, it just takes some planning.

I moved out over a month ago and tried to plan B but obviously I did not plan well so plan B is failing miserable.

We have no set dates and times for pick ups or visitations I have asked he has avoided and ignored. Baby is 19 days old and im not sure how to work her out as a breastfeed baby
Suggestions??

How are visits supposed to be handled legally where you live when you have a newborn? I know that in some places, the visitations need o be done in the infant's home. Is that the case where you are?

I tried to look over your thread quickly, so forgive me if I missed some of these things. Did you write a Plan B letter and give it to your WH? Do you have an intermediary? We can help guide you to where you want to go, but you have to do some work behind the screen and implement what we suggest. Have you read SAA? If not, why not?

I do have an IM and Plan B letter was written and given, but I have not done the attachments on children or recovery.

Due to her age and feeding vistation needs to be here yes.

I have read SAA yes and HNHN

My suggestion is for you to write out a visitation schedule and that someone else be there when your WH comes over.

Where else is your Plan B lacking?

Thanks Scotty. this is really appreciated.


He texts about the kids and calls about them. I give the phn to the 5 yo and I have asked him to call house phn not my cell but if we are out or he just calls or text me to have son call him or to ask how the baby is.

I will move forward with a schedule today and forward it on through my IM.

When he doesn't follow what you have set out, ie calling the house phone ONLY, then you ignore it. You don't get your son to call him back and you don't even mention it. You treat it like a wrong number. Would you let your 5 year old call back a stranger. I would even suggest that you change your number and don't give it to him. That way, if he wants to contact your son, he will HAVE to do it through the IMs. If there is an emergency, your IMs will have the number. Do your IMs know what they need to do to protect you?

Yes my IM is very aware of what is expected and does a great job. WH is just not doing it. Our phn numbers are connected meaning he pays so a phn number change is not really an option as he can just get it. But I can and will ignore the texts and calls. Thanks again I sent the email to my IM for the visitation and holidays.

It's not too late to fill up those holes and do a better Plan B. It just takes some planning. Are you going to file for LS? Do you get CS?

No I am not going to file for LS if I chose to go the route of any legal moves it will be a divorce, I have decided that. In my state a LS is nothing more then a Divorce without being divorced. Financially I can not afford to file for either a retainer is 3500 high and 1800 low and the low doesn't cover the court ordered mediation.

CS I filed for yesterday but still have access to all bank accounts and money. He has never blocked me from those. Although I just filled out the starting paper work and filed online I am not sure if I will go through with it as I am not sure it is needed.

My baby girl is 4 weeks old today and I locked her in the car by accident at the grocery store when trying to get her out. I called WH for help, it sucks when you fall on bad habits. I was so frantic and in tears. I was not even thinking I just went on instincts. I feel out of plan B again. THIS SUCKS. Back into the cave I go.

Today was a bad day for Plan b. My youngest son told me that my WH has taken him around the OW. I was not calm I called WH and had a few choice words.

In short he informed me again that he is trying to move on with his life... I wanted to reach through the phone and beat him and then do the same to her. I am not surprised but I am hurt and stunned.

I am contemplating Plan D more and more every day. I can not see how this can get any worse for my poor kidlets. This is just so damn sad...

UPDATE!!!
Well life is funny.. I found OWH on FB I guess he joined recently. During my exposure I was not able to find oWH and I will be the first to admit that I did not do a good exposure. Well this is what happened

Below is a copy of our conversation.

ME- Hello Mr. OWH I need to speak with you regarding a very important matter would you please contact me my phn #. Thank you.


OWH- i don't care about them it is what it is

ME-I thought you had a right to know the extent of the situation you are or were involved in. I wish you nothing but success and happiness in your future. Thank you for your time.

OWH-Same to you I know I am a good person so I have nothing to worry about but it do hert after 19years

ME-I understand i just gave birth 4 weeks ago to our first daughter. I have been fighting this affair for the past year. I understand the hurt. Neither of us deserved this. Neither do our kids.

OWH-Just got to live and Let Learn


HELLO all I need some help please. Should I do a deeper exposure? I will be the first to admit that my initial exposure was lacking and did not reach OWH nor her family and once my WH asked no begged me to stop sending out the letter I did. Now I can not say how much I regret my moment of weakness. At this point I am unsure if I should re-expose or more like expose on a deeper level my WH is now taking my kids out with the OW. uggg such stupid w-turd action.

BUMP please read and help with some advice

Should I ask the OWH to help me re-expose by backing up my accusations as they have been toted as a lie?

Should I send this to OWH??


Would you be willing to help me tell the truth? If you want nothing more to do with this I understand that as well, but I am asking for your help.

I am not sure if you know this but I sent out an email through Facebook, as well to your wife's school, and her church, letting them know that my husband and your wife were having an affair.

I also contacted their job to notify them of their Affair as well as my family and my husbands family.

What happened is that they both told everyone that I was lying and in fact have continued to do so.

I think it is wrong the lies that they are telling about the situation as well as about US as their spouses. I am not sure what your situation is with your wife but my husband and I are still married but seperated, I moved out in Aug. I want my marriage to work We have 6 children between us from almost 16 to our 4 week old daughter. They need and deserve a home with their mother and father. I DO NOT want them to think that they can live happily ever after on lies and hurting the ones they were committed to.

First my good news!! I opened my own bank account and filed for child support!
The bad news..Today I found out..

My husband has moved the OW into our home. She has been there 4-5 days out of the week for the past 2 weeks per my eldest son.

Additionally my husband wanted to keep our baby when I go back to my internship but after thought I have told him no I will stick with my prior arraignments to take my child with my family so that I will not have to deal with my daughter being exposed to the OW. My 5yo son is beyond confused with the situation and has asked me about the OW and his fathers relationship. I was honest and told my son 5yo in age appropriate language that his daddy and the OW were doing wrong and bad things and that his father and I are still husband and wife yes and still married yes and no the OW was not a good person for what she was doing and the OW and his daddy's relationship is why we cant go back home. As he has been asking me for weeks why we cant go back home and when could we go back.

My WH was of course upset and called me I told him what I told my son was the truth and his moving on with his life did not include our children and to move on he needed to divorce me to which he said he had not thought about his options, had not filed for a divorce and was not sure about what he was doing with his life.

Oh my goodness I am so sick of the FOG Babble!! I am thinking more and more about divorce. I am praying a lot.

Question..

Should i remove my eldest son from living with his dad now that OW is spending the night/ moved in?

What is your custody arrangement? Do you have anything legal? Would you need to get something legally done to keep OW away from your son?

I have the 2 youngest 5yo son and 6 week old daughter, he has my eldest and my step kidlets (3 total boys ages 15,14,13) . My eldest will be 16 and has wanted to stay with WH due to school. Now I am not so sure. In addition my WH has stated that he wants the 5yo to live with him full time as well because he misses his son and his son misses him.. I declined. We have NO custody order as we are neither divorced nor legally separated.

Oh we live in a no fault state so legally there is nothing that I can do when the kids are with him regarding who they see per the 3 lawyers I contacted.

Even in a no fault state, you could have a clause in your separation agreement that no one of the opposite sex on overnights while your children are there.

So, I am to understand that YOUR eldest son, who is not biologically your WH's lives WITH WH? WHY?

Do what is best for your children and what is legally within your rights. I assume you know what those rights are. As long as you are within your rights, you never have to worry about your WH taking your children

This brings me back to WHY you eldest son lives with WH and OW. What could possible happen if WH decided to take you to court to get full custody and used the fact that your eldest son lives with him too?

My eldest son is in high school and wished to remain in that school when we first separated. The OW I just found out about Today and is a new development. I am thinking of pulling him this week and moving him with me now that this is happening. Honestly I am feeling stunned and blindsided

I went today packed my sons things and brought him home with me. The school issue will have to be worked out later. I hate that I had to go back to my house, WH was gone but the OW pants where on my bed. I really hate this... I have not spoken to WH I am sure he will be calling.