Wait. You WILL EXPOSE, you just need this to NOT be a trickle exposure. You need this to be done all at once. There needs to be a TSUNAMI.

You said your family knows and your friends know. Do your children know? When you exposed to everyone else, did you ask for their help too? You need to try to do it calmly, and make it CLEAR that you are NOT doing this to be hurtful. You are doing what is best for your marriage. You could even say that a marriage counseling professional told you to do this as the first step in saving your marriage. It is NOT a LIE. You have read DrH's material and the first thing he tells you to do is expose the affair. DO NOT tell anyone about this site that may tell your WH. He should NOT know about this site.

So are you ready to start exposing? Do you have your list ready? Is OWH's on that list? He needs to be at the top along with her family(parents, siblings, etc).

This is exactly why you should expose... A seminary student? This A needs to be exposed to the light and show the OW true colors. Maybe you should post the letter you are going to use before sending it out. Just think about how people will perceive the OW with you at home pregnant and 5 kids between you. She will not garner much sympathy.

Do not panic, breathe...you are trying to save your M.

As long as your H is working with OW they will continue their A. Can your H change departments and locations? He or she needs to get out of there.

The most important is exposing to OWH. That is your main target.

Quamie,

I am going back to your first post if you don't mind. I see in it the seeds for a path to recover as well as, some big misconceptions on your part.

You said the No contact is when the affair ended and it has NOT BEEN A LONG TIME since it was over. You need to realize that since you and he did nothing to recover from your affair he was/is ripe for having an affair and he is.

You also said This makes plan B very difficult. You cannot leave with his kids, so are you just taking yours or all of them?

You also said

It is clear that your affair isn't the only thing you have not been honest about with your H. I read all of this and wonder why he would NOT be having an affair. You set him up perfectly. You have an affair and finally go to NC 6 months or so after he finds out. You are working part time, going to grad. school, and taking care of the kids AND having an affair, that doesn't leave much time for your H in your life does it?

And you also had a pregnancy and a miscarriage he knew nothing about right? Oh! and you get pregnant again, but were planning to leave him in Feb. but stayed because you were pregnant, not because you loved him.

Now you find out he is having an affair...surprise. Anyone surprised at this???? I'm not.

Please, please read Harley's articles on meeting needs, please read about love busters, and please read about the policies of radical honesty and policy of joint agreement, POJA.

His affair is not right, and should be ended of that there is no doubt. But, you need to ask yourself, as you read what I have posted from your opening post much less what has been said later, why would he want to come back to me???

You have not been in his life for a long time, and therefore it is no wonder that this marriage was and is in big trouble. But, the mistakes have been so egregious that actually there is a good chance to repair this marriage.

I would say that pointing fingers at him is not going to be a productive approach as he is very likely less invested in this marriage than you and it would appear you only want him because you are pregnant. Not a compelling reason for him to feel loved, wanted, or even needed. And interestingly, the needed part is probably bigger for him than you realize.

Please think about this. Please read the articles, and please realize that plan A and plan B are very powerful but only if you have a goal and plan in mind. They just address the affair, they do not address recovery and if he sees no hope of things being better, then there is less hope of a good marriage. It is very possible, but you need to lead him home, not drag him home.

God Bless,

JL

Ok I am doing it.. please pray for me and my family. When the [censored] hits the fan please tell me what I am to say to him and his anger!? I am angry and I dont want to say the wrong thing

First of all for exposing



"I am fighting for my marriage. I am fighting for my family"

Repeat it like your a broken record. You don't need to say anything else.
for you and your family

I should clarify. I had ended the affair 6months BEFORE he found out and had NO contact with the OM at all. It was over well before he found out which was over a year ago. Which to clarify means I have not had contact with the OM in any way shape or form for almost 2 years at this point.

I DO understand my horrible position/part in this mess and I have stated as such in my other posts and will never deny my part. I am as much at fault as my husband is. I did NOT want to be preg at this time due to the fact that our marriage was in the tank and had been for a LONG time. I KNEW that.

WE have neglected each other for years. WE as a couple have allowed each of us to fall into affairs. My husband has had issues with internet issues and persons and questionable behaviors well before my affair. THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE it is just a fact. NEITHER of us are angles we have over and over agin contributed to the place we are in. I have always loved my husband and still do. I have stayed in this marriage BEFORE I had an affair for many years even though we were in trouble.

I did not have the maturity nor the tools in the past to help heal my marriage. Once I got preg HIS affair was at its hight and I had no idea. It had been going on for 6months or more at that time. I had LONG given up and I really did not care. For years I have been in counseling and he refused to go, I have been on medications, I have been to my church and begged my husband to be a part of recovery. He never tried. We have been together for 9years married for 8.

I have neglected my duties as a wife because to be honest I had checked out a LONG time ago as I felt there was no hope, we both have. That doesn't mean I don't and did not love my husband but after a while I got tired of giving only to be taken advantage of.

As for my first preg I did not tell him because I didn't want him to feel trapped into stay and neither did I want to feel trapped into staying.

I was planning on leaving I felt there was NOTHING left he refused counseling and he refused church and any other help. I prayed to GOD to please give me an answer and guide me. I stated that if I was to stay in this marriage that GOD give me an answer that I could not misunderstand as I felt like I was at my breaking.

I found myself preg and I threw myself into reading and trying to be a better wife, mother, and friend. But he was deep into his affair and I felt a HUGE amount of guilt. SO for the last 4+ months I have taken the blame and been the bad guy. I have given and worked very hard on MY faults and my short comings. I have worked to show my husband my love and affection and tried diligently to fill his LB and provide for his needs. I read the book and I have been working plan A until 3 weeks ago when he went on a business trip for a week with the OW and lied to me about it.

As I have stated I DO agree that my behaviors have been egregious and I do not in any way deny that. There has been no healing from my affair as he WOULD NOT participate in that healing. I am not sure if what you are saying is there is NO hope or there is.

Should I sill proceed with exposure or not at this point?

I dont have the information on OWH I have looked and payed to get a search NOTHING. At this point I only have her FB friends to expose to.

As for job he is in a position that he is contracted to for at least another year. Should would have to leave as she is a admin but of course she has no motivation to leave as she has the best of it all, MY husband and a great paying job

ok, lets put aside all your screw ups(and they are numerous), lets expose and kill his current a, then we can all talk about the past and what went wrong so you two can rebuild.

expose everyone now!

prd

There is a HUGE problem with exposing right this very second and that is that it is supposed to be NUCLEAR and one KEY person is still missing, OWH. Also, I believe that Quamie is not willing to expose to the workplace at this time. That would be a HUGE mistake. This can't be trickle exposure. If it is done where only OW's FB friends are told, it is going to have a reverse effect in that it will look like Quamie is only trying to hurt OW. Then OW and WH are going to gain strength in their US vs BW fight. All I am suggesting is to take 12 hours and figure this ALL out and get some real help with how to expose properly and to whom and then DO IT.

Pale, again, why don't you start your own thread and let us know who YOU are?

Here is my letter is this good enough? Should I add anything take anything out?


Dear friend of ***,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that *** is having an affair with my husband, ***. They have been having this affair for well over a year according to the evidence, but I have just become away of ** being the person he was having the affair with on March 31, 2010. My husband has confessed to the affair and * is aware that I know about the affair. Despite her being aware of my knowledge of the affair she has continued to participate in an emotional, sexual, and physical affair with my husband. We have been married for 8 years and have 5 children, aged 5, 13, 13,14, 15 and I am currently in my 7th month of pregnancy.

I would be happy to provide the evidence of their affair through our cell phone records and text messages to anyone who asks.

I am asking that you use your influence with *** to persuade her to discontinue this affair as I have done what I can and despite my efforts the affair has continued. It is with great regret that I send this information to you all but I am fighting for my marriage and I am fighting for my family.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her husband and ask him to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, **

Quamie, this is the key here. Get the OWH's information and get prepared. Is she on facebook? Is her husband on there?

I would also plan on exposing at work. If you expose it at work, it is likely that one of them will quit. And you have NO HOPE if they still work at the same company. None.

Get the OWH's information FIRST and then expose all in one fell swoop.

Perfect letter! Be sure and copy of her facebook contacts into a word doc before she deletes her account. And when you do the exposure on facebook, don't too many in a row becuase they will shut oyu down.

Scotland I understand what you are saying, I can send an email to his HR I guess I am not sure to whom else to send the info. I am not sure HOW to find her spouses contact info. I have a mailing address but I do not know if it is current. He is not on fb and I dont have a phn number to reach him either.

I can wait because I do not have that info. I can contact his job I am in a panick but I want this to end! and at this time neither of them have a reason to as they feel safe.

I have copied them all today.

It is VITAL that you get in contact with OWH. He NEEDS to know what his WW and your WH are doing to his marriage.

Also, I would send a HARD copy letter to the workplace and make sure that you send it to more than just HR. It should be CC'd so the people know that others know.

Also, do your children know?

BTW, I don't know if you have read all of the info yet, but he will be ANGRY. SPITTING NAILS, exorcist spinning head ANGRY. When he gets angry, you will say, "I will do anything to save our marriage."

you can bet owh will find out in a millisecond after the nuclear fb exposure rest assured.

prd

There is NO guarantees on that Pale

Quamie, when you expose, you should make sure that if anyone says, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone." You say, "No, please tell everyone. You should even talk to WH about how what he is doing is very wrong."